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Dangerous chemicals discovered in organic food

All these chemicals in our food explain the diarrhea we've been experiencing.

Chronicle.SU hired an independent chemistry lab to test food products for dangerous chemicals. When the lab results came back, we were forced to completely reevaluate our individual diets.

The lab tests showed that nearly 80% of all food consumed by the modern human contains dangerous chemicals from the monosaccharide and polysaccharide families. Pectin, dextran, agar, and xanthan were present in dangerously high levels. We tested organic foods and the levels were even higher.

Even more shocking are the insanely dangerous levels of Oxidane in every single beverage analyzed. Oxidane is a powerful solvent used in nuclear power plants. The trendy health drink Kombucha was found to have such high levels of Oxidane that the lab technicians declared it completely unfit for consumption. [pullquote]”Do not drink Kombucha. It is completely tainted with Oxidane” ~ Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour[/pullquote]

The deadly chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide was also found in soft drinks, bottled water, and children’s fruit boxes. In excess quantities, Dihydrogen Monoxide will lead to spontaneous death by suffocation, blocking oxygen absorption in the lungs.

The meat industry has secretly kept the pervasive presence of Phenalalinine in their products a secret. Phenalalinine is extremely deadly and is used to make the sweet tasting rat poison Aspartame.

Perhaps the most shocking chemical that we discovered is ethanol. Alarmingly high percentages of ethanol are found in liquor and beer, and this chemical is a major component of VX nerve gas. VX gas is the most dangerous nerve agent ever discovered, and is recognized as a weapon of mass destruction by the United Nations. And it’s in all our alcoholic beverages!

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Send us bitcoins so we can get some drugs from the Silk Road

Our bitcoin address is 1PpkFjUeCUc2gJmCVuw79zGQTKjzEWG8yr

None of your donations will be used for web hosting costs or prudent investments. We promise to blow every last coin on the Silk Road. It will fuel our “unhinged” and insane rants, providing you with that much more entertainment. We need your bitcoins more than ever. Times are tough, and the shit’s weak.

Fuck you if you don’t send us magical internet drug money.

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Lulz Lizards Invade the InterT00bz

Today, LulzSec released a manifesto on PasteBin outlining a more sophisticated set of motives. Like all posts on PasteBin, to trust it would be idiotic. It was the thousandth tweet spectacular, and the Lulz forever died. Us Lulz Lizards at Chronicle.SU would like to weigh in on these lofty statements from our pirate friends at LulzSec.

There seems to be an underground sect of Lulz Lizards crawling through the grimiest internet t00bz, ready to do anything for a quick laugh. The lizards will log onto your Facebook, masturbate to your girlfriend, and then tell her you are into choking children. At the Chronicle, we completely understand this phenomenon and report on it daily. By reporting on it, we have ourselves become somewhat acclimated to crawling through the Lulz Lizard t00bz and have covered ourselves in /b/ period blood.

That said, LulzSec knows what we filthy lizards want. We want to see people rage, we want to see their relationships burn, we want their houses flooded with unwanted pizza and distress. We are Anonymous. We do not Forgive. We do not Forget. Expect us to fap when we’re done.

The manifesto made one startling statement that broke with LulzSec tradition. In the past, they would only hold back releases because of their love for Sega Dreamcast. That is no longer true. Today they did it to prove an important and meaningful point. Dear God, what has come of LulzSec?!?!

“We’re sitting on 200,000 Brink users right now that we never gave out. It might make you feel safe knowing we told you, so that Brink users may change their passwords. What if we hadn’t told you? No one would be aware of this theft, and we’d have a fresh 200,000 peons to abuse, completely unaware of a breach.”

Let me take a second to wash my hands of all this multi-colored period blood. You could have been doing this all along, but instead you’ve gleefully fed the Lulz Lizards. We don’t blame you for knowing what they want, because we want it too. We enjoyed seeing the pathetic lizards scramble around for your scraps.

Now that you’ve shown you’re capable of taking the boring moral high ground like post-Cablegate Anonymous, it’s all downhill from here. Maybe the Government Hate Lizards will take it a little easier on you, now that you’ve shown a kind of regretful cultural awareness and a shred of morality. The Lulz Lizards will not!

You are yesterday’s Lulz, bitches!