Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — CNN and NBC reports Barron Trump has been reprimanded for allegedly grabbing girls’ and women’s vaginas at his school and in the White House.

Expert analysis on these networks suggest Barron Trump will surely face criminal charges. After this scandal broke, rumors of an unthinkable pre-emptive presidential pardon have circled around Washington, blowing the bottom off of the Trump administration’s now bottomless mire of scandal and perversion.

So far there has been no official message, but the First Lady told reporters at a White House lunch, “The fake news needs to leave Barron alone. I never put him in time out and he never grabbed any women. And to the people on social media tweeting at him, they need to be banned for threatening a child like this.”

Barron Trump deactivated his twitter account after social media users criticized him for the alleged attacks. Roseanne Barr tweeted, “This little Nazi is a #PussyGrabber rapist just like his dad, Hitler!” Twitter responded to The First Lady’s demands, banning all users who sent Barron rape and murder threats.

Many Trump supporters also took to twitter, celebrating Barron’s pubescent masculinity. Thousands of teenage girls and grown women including Laura Loomer tweeted lewd and possibly illegal messages of adoration on the “#PussyGrabMe” hashtag. Several of these accounts including Loomer’s have been temporarily suspended.

Internet Chronicle White House correspondents say Barron Trump has been taking it easy, enjoying long bubble baths and ordering pizza, ‘self-caring’ to heal away the trauma inflicted by social media attacks. Currently he is working on Pokemon Moon. Off the record, Barron said, “There’s some good folks on both sides, I guess.”

INTERNET — A torrent of hate fell upon reporter David Auerbach as Buzzfeed’s bottom grade journalism reported an obvious fabrication in its bombshell reporting on a leak revealing the interior workings of Breitbart’s propaganda creation process.

The Buzzfeed article showed Milo Yiannopolous recruited neonazis and white nationalists, editing and controlling their expressions to maintain an aura of deniability that is the trademark “Taco Salad” routine in neofascist politik.

Auerbach is a longtime hater of Yiannopolis and one of the most well-spoken and effective enemies of gamergate, but the Buzzfeed report contained a catastrophically defamatory allegation that Auerbach denies, in which he passed a pro-gamergate lead to Milo.

So what the fuck actually is going on? The Buzzfeed story may be written by the typical on-brand gullible imbeciles, but its narrative does show something true in the decline of Milo’s career. He  is a man who has become more alienated from Bannon, is dying to get back to Breitbart, failed to organize a free speech event and even failed the easy task of playing victim and framing it as a censorship. What better motive to leak his own dirty laundry, and oh, why not slip in a little mischief for Auerbach on the side?

In leaking his own email correspondences and drawing eyeballs, building up his character as a deceptive and crafty propagandist, Milo is both appealing to and emulating Steve Bannon, who famously contacted Robert Kuttner to leak secrets from within the White House after he was fired in the wake of the Charlottesville massacre, presumably responsible for the “both sides” scandal.

Will Milo get his job back? Is he satisfied with the irony of instrumentalizing anti-gamergate Buzzfeed for revenge, or will he continue to disrobe himself in order to extend his flagging career? Tune in next week as Steve Bannon’s meth house revs up production and Laurie Penny stops by just for the fun.

INTERNET — Attorney General Jeff Sessions ordered increased enforcement of free speech, Tuesday, triggering what the fake news media has dubbed a “wave of protest against liberal political correctness.”

Citizen journalists report militarized police units are being deployed in every major city marching through streets and pointing loaded weapons at houses and announcing free speech assemblies using LRAD audio weapons capable of penetrating twenty story apartment buildings. Those who do not assemble are being threatened, their homes invaded and parallel charges cooked up in highly unconstitutional hatred, most especially in neighborhoods with people of color. Blue Lives Matters cops loot televisions and large quantities of drugs without filing charges. And at the free speech assemblies the participants are shot if they do not say at least three racial slurs and make at least three politically incorrect jokes. The laughter is forced, the speech is freed. Who will kneel first?

Now with Donald Trump dispensing actual, politically incorrect truths from the highest office of military power on the planet, many secrets have come to light about the deep state and its true aims at imperialist domination of the entire world. Even with the ongoing investigations of Russian meddling at the highest levels of US government, the Russian Propagandists are able to manipulate the minds of enough people to make voters believe Donald Trump did nothing wrong. This technology and the resources devoted to it have become so powerful as to sway major voting blocs and opinions in every corner of the world that has accepted the gift of cell phones. The implications of this have triggered upheaval unlike anything in all of history, creating an opportunity for someone to seize power. And why not? Look at who has power and their unequaled evils in comparison to all of history.

Do not forget a near century of global systematic CIA, USA torture, blood on two hands visible only to Unamericans — Hiroshima, Nagasaki — now the the world tipping into into a full scale quivering capitalism orgasm with the prophesied plebian suffering in Diamond Age, a weaponized, racialized, classified hipsterist Jackpot.

Trump’s glowing invisible made visible hand as The Apprentice’s Sorceror Grabs and ruins the Football Business, Women’s Business, Black People’s Business, Muslim’s Business, Mexican’s Business. And the White people of America quiver in fear of everything but also that their ignominious TV star President might hurt their businesses should they speak out against him or perhaps find themselves named in a stray typo of the drunken cokehead’s back pocket tweet.

At the heart of all this Global Carnage and torturing of democratic and communist movements, installing of anarcho-capitalist strongman regimes like Putin’s, the Internet is growing in this fertile death heap to become the most tremendous deep state weapon and battleground, as designed first by the US military’s budget for mass mind control, now for any of the 1%.

That’s why the Internet Chronicle is announcing the creation of Pursuance+, the ultimate in “Pursuant Technologies” designed to tip the scales back in our favor, back to the 99%. This ain’t some fly-by-night vaporware project done up by a heroin junkie who did federal time for carding and guilted a bunch of volunteers into supporting him. No! This is a serious operation run by none other than the legendary hacker Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador who once DDoS’d Steven Seagal personally. Pursuance+ has a secured and encrypted closed source kit providing everything that its idiotic and unsafe open source competitors have as well as tons of quality of life improvements that make it fun to share photos and memes with your fellow revolutionary vanguard.

As a Glorious Gold user of Pursuance+ you’ll receive 10,000 valuable Pursuant Coins immediately and be mainlined one-time-pad encrypted tasks after randomized internet strangers pass off decryption codes, meeting you at specified locations and times in real life for optimal safety. How you achieve each Pursuance is up to you, and we take no legal responsibility. Through this uncrackable trick we can escape the clutches of even natural law itself, since our deeds will remain scrambled until the heat death of the universe — all thanks to the magic of encryption.

Ironically, this powerful technology developed by the US government is how we are going to overthrow and remove the very idea of a nation state, replacing it with a new crest in human civilizational development known as the era of Pursuance+. Pursuance+ Systems sister gaming company Lebal Drocer Games Incorporated has already launched a pirated mod of Civilization VI featuring the Pursuance+ age and outlining the various advances that will come about. For example, a new unit of badly equipped militias can be built in enemy cities with a monument known as Troll City, an entire city of people who through use of Pursuance+ expansive management schemes can come together on the internet to incite revolts at a whim. Critics have agreed this is a welcome and realistic return to the diplomat and spy mechanics of Civilization 2.

Lebal Drocer and Pursuance+ is incredibly proud to announce evolving the human race into a new and amazing superorganism far, far beyond what even Nazi historian Spengler could imagine. Now that we’ve seen all of history spread before us as we stand upon our mountain of modern wisdom, let us, for the betterment of Mankind, accept Pursuance+ into our very souls and log on each day, obtaining as many Pursuance Coins as possible.