Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — The Internet’s 13 most talented and Christlike figures, as selected from billions of Twitter users through an algorithm cribbed straight out of the bible, will appear Friday on NBC’s Jesus Christ Megastar to compete for status as the icon and messiah of the world’s first algorithmically-derived branch of Christianity, Christ’s Children’s Church (CCC). By hoovering up social media data, digital sociologists at CCC have engineered what they believe will be the most robust marketing campaign of all time. Thousands of used supercomputers from the 90’s have been trained to optimize a belief structure so appealing they hope it will gain converts at a record breaking rate. Interestingly, the interpretation of the bible the algorithm has developed requires their church to be the fulfillment of the second coming of Christ.

Many Christians have derided CCC for its heretical doctrine, and Pope Francis told reporters, “It’s a sleek marketing campaign and a gimmick, not any form of Christianity recognized by any other branch of Christianity as remotely Christian in its teachings. I know it to be the Anti-Christ, the development of all the world’s evil into a single power, a great deceiver.”

At the end of each episode of Jesus Christ Megastar, the contestants will kneel before a tremendous stack of outdated supercomputers and the Judas-like figure that hosts and narrates the show will “betray” one of the disciples. Disciples who show unconscious malice in their behavior on screen will be eliminated one by one until the most benevolent Christ is chosen.

VACCINATION — Pro-freedom activist and parenting expert Jenny McCarthy fell sick Friday from an acute infection of Measles and died suddenly in her Hollywood apartment at age 42, refusing all medical care. McCarthy told family members, “I’d rather die than be jabbed with that autism juice,” just hours before the Measles infection spread to her brain and caused fatal encephalitis.

McCarthy and other “Anti-vaxxers” blame the heavy metals used in vaccinations for autism, a disease which affects billions around the globe, including Vladimir Putin, who suffers from a mild form of autism known as Asperger’s that was brought on by a Measles vaccination. The few non-autistic families who choose to avoid vaccinations are some of the very last humans to maintain a natural relationship with their bodies and the earth, and see the disease as a rite of passage to a life of freedom and struggle towards glory. Hacker and actual neo-Nazi Andrew Aurnheimer, also known as weev, told reporters, “Almost nobody dies from measles, but when you survive you’re increasing your capability to survive and accelerating evolution. Vaccines and other unnatural meddling with freedom is part of the Jewish agenda to degenerate The West and undo evolution so that communist China will become supreme ruler of the world.”

By Mark Ames, Glenn Greenwald, Laura Poitras, and R. Crumb — Satire is dead. Practically no one will pay for it and no writer is even capable of delivering a satiric effect to American audiences. Trust me, I tried. It’s a losing investment every time.

There are always handholds in popular American satire, if you can call it satire, and the vicious confrontational stuff without handholds is only seen as pure malice and dickishness. Satire writers are forced into this corner by horizontal censorship, largely enforced by the internet hacking collective Anonymous.

I remember when The Hippie Movement and Punk Rock died like it was yesterday, but I never imagined satire was just another passing fad. It feels good to be that final generation of satire, the cynical nostalgia I’m feeling is quite pleasant. I’m proud of it. Like Hunter S. Thompson said, this is a generation of swine, and they won’t know a good satire when they see it. 9/11 scared the last drop of piss out of them.

The Internet Chronicle was originally revealed to be a satire by Paul Joseph Watson of Infowars, shocking hundreds of thousands of confused readers. But last summer Fox News announced, in conjunction with the FBI, that Sabu infiltrated and social engineered Infowars reporters and influenced them in subtle ways. They were mind-controlled into telling audiences that Chronicle.su is fake.

Newly hacked documents from HBGary reveal that the so-called “Metal Gear” propaganda superweapon spammed any posters of links to Chronicle.su with disruptive comments, condemning the satire as “fake” and not in correspondence with truth as established by Wikipedia and its de facto Objectivist Czar, Jimmy Wales.

We had a good run while it lasted.