INTERNET — The Internet’s 13 most talented and Christlike figures, as selected from billions of Twitter users through an algorithm cribbed straight out of the bible, will appear Friday on NBC’s Jesus Christ Megastar to compete for status as the icon and messiah of the world’s first algorithmically-derived branch of Christianity, Christ’s Children’s Church (CCC). By hoovering up social media data, digital sociologists at CCC have engineered what they believe will be the most robust marketing campaign of all time. Thousands of used supercomputers from the 90’s have been trained to optimize a belief structure so appealing they hope it will gain converts at a record breaking rate. Interestingly, the interpretation of the bible the algorithm has developed requires their church to be the fulfillment of the second coming of Christ.
Many Christians have derided CCC for its heretical doctrine, and Pope Francis told reporters, “It’s a sleek marketing campaign and a gimmick, not any form of Christianity recognized by any other branch of Christianity as remotely Christian in its teachings. I know it to be the Anti-Christ, the development of all the world’s evil into a single power, a great deceiver.”
At the end of each episode of Jesus Christ Megastar, the contestants will kneel before a tremendous stack of outdated supercomputers and the Judas-like figure that hosts and narrates the show will “betray” one of the disciples. Disciples who show unconscious malice in their behavior on screen will be eliminated one by one until the most benevolent Christ is chosen.