Internet Chronicle
REVELATIONS — Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, died suddenly Sunday evening after suffering a heart attack in his home. He was 65 years old and will be deeply missed by prominent bankers and comedians. His entire estate of over twenty million dollars was disbursed to the Anti-Defamation League and will go towards building a holocaust theme park in the heart of Tel Aviv.
MOSCOW — At the G20 meeting Friday evening, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin announced a huge leap in technology that will provide clean, low cost fusion energy without the use of any fossil fuels whatsoever. Putin addressed the world summit, saying, “The Russian state is fully backing the mass production of fusion reactors, having successfully tested several generations of prototypes. We will be shipping a production model to our allies in China starting in 2021 for a low, low price, although this peaceful technology is too dangerous to hand over to the aggressive NATO coalition.
Some who saw Putin’s fierce moves into Ukraine as irrational or hamhanded have had to reset their assumptions about what Russia’s military may soon be capable of in light of the announcement technology that seems to far surpass anything possessed by the United States or other advanced nations. Expert geotechnologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, told reporters, “The circle is complete. The United States will continue its inevitable fall to the status of second world and possibly even third world, while the glorious ascendant Soviet Eurasian Union moves forward with technology that will complete the colonization of the solar system. We always knew communism was the right choice, for the long run.”
MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, announced Wednesday afternoon that he is currently undergoing treatment for testicular cancer. Testicular cancer affects over 50,000 people every year, but the survival rate for those who receive proper medical treatment is well over 90 percent.
Putin has been receiving chemotherapy in Finland since the Winter Olympics in Moscow, sources say. Doctors plan to remove Putin’s affected testicle in a surgical procedure called an orchiectomy.
Russian Citizens were crestfallen, but hopeful. Dmitri Yanuzhoye, a new Crimean citizen of Russia, told reporters, “One of Putin’s testicles is worth five pairs of American president testicles.”
Putin came to represent masculinity for men across the world, especially after masterminding a carefully veiled invasion of Crimea and eastern Ukraine earlier this year. John Thiessen, expert in geopolitics, said, “The US and its presidents come and go, never taking any serious risks and inevitably screwing up their poor attempts at paternalistic control over helpless nations, ever since Vietnam. But Putin’s balls have been pumping so much testosterone they’ve grown a tumor. He’s facing down the EU and the US, enemies he can never hope to defeat, every single day.”