Author: Kilgoar

BREAKING — Tuesday night several members of the Honey Boo Boo family were brought to the hospital for treatment after ingesting excessive quantities of Ebola Oil, a product endorsed by Honey Boo Boo star ‘Chickadee’ which advertises itself as a cure-all effective against Ebola. Alana Thompson, known affectionately to fans as Honey Boo Boo, said, “Well, mama was convinced we all had Ebola and Papa Bear said we had the flu. Chickadee brought out the oil and mama and them drank every last drop. Now they’re sick, in the hospital.”

There is no word yet on the condition or identities of the hospitalized members of the Honey Boo Boo clan. Honey Boo Boo’s show was recently cancelled after Mama June broke up with Papa Bear to be with McDaniels, a registered molester who once molested her children, and Honey Boo Boo claims that Mama June spent all her money on McDaniels, all but $17.50. Last month, Uncle Poodle went on Dr. Phil, where he claimed to have witnessed McDaniels, Mama June, and Honey Boo Boo in bed together.

INTERNET — Shocking the world with hist first-ever fluent American English press conference, Kim Jong Un told reporters, smiling, that he was personally responsible for orchestrating the latest devastating and genius cyberattack on Sony. Smiling and winking with strained charm, Kim Jong Un related his long training in cyberwarfare and computerized psyops, “My father and grandfather were never as passionate about computers as I was, but we have all been equally passionate about Juche ideology! I studied under an American tutor for decades and learned how to hack everything. They always said I was wasting my time, but then the times changed. Then I was the only member of LulzSec to get away, a founding member of the Anonymous collective and directly waging war with America in cyberspace, a high ground that could even trump nuclear weapons. The Internet is the most powerful weapon ever. I’ve worked with Deric Lostutter, Commander X, Barrett Brown, and even Topiary. I never liked Sabu or the direction he was taking Anonymous. Sup Biella.”

After the death of Kim Jong-Il in December of 2011, it was not known who would succeed to the position of Supreme Leader of North Korea. However, Kim Jong Un’s incredible ability to download torrents won him incredible favor, not only with his father, but also with his inner circle of elite generals. Chuckling, Kim Jong Un bragged about a few of his big hacks, saying, “The first time my dad saw that my hacking was worth anything was when I doxxed Lisa Ling’s plans to visit North Korea. The lulz we had when Bill Clinton stepped off of that plane were incredible.” All of the sudden turning serious, Kim closed his fist slowly and growled, “Expect us.”

INTERNET — Rather than hitching a ride to war-torn Syria, many Americans have joined ISIS to carry out “peaceful” operations inside the United States. Thousands of members of ISIS converged on Ferguson, Missouri, to capitalize on the racial tensions and have set up a “Black Zone” of sovereignty based on Sharia law. Emir Malcom Muhammed fired an AK-47 into the sky without fear of police and said, “No white man can enter the Black Zone except as humiliated second-class citizens, just as our brothers and sisters could not step foot in the Green Zone in Babylon. Saddam did nothing wrong when he gassed the foul Kurds. Every day the hand of Allah beats back their army of whores! Allahu Akhbar!” Emir Malcom then engaged full auto and emptied his clip into the air.

The government has mustered incredible control over both the news media and social media so as to effectively suppress knowledge of the Islamic revolutionary activities taking place in ISIS-controlled Ferguson. However, the tendrils of ISIS propaganda have nonetheless reached into thousands of segregated black high schools across the nation, which now teach that Christopher Columbus and the Vikings could not have possibly reached America first because the Islamic Caliphate conquered huge swaths of America as early as 993 AD. Dr. Angstrom Troubador, Lead Historian of the American Tradition institute, declined to offer any solid narrative that would justify the American government’s military attacks on Ferguson, but said, “I am terrified. It is as if the education system, the government system, the police, the military, it is all a structure built of something that has been hollowed out for years by termites, and now it’s caving in and revealing an entirely new reality, a new Islamic American Emirate is appearing in black communities everywhere. In just a few short months, riots have turned into terrorism and then into a nascent nation state.”