The price of freedom reached an all time high this week as cargo planes carrying food to the famine-stricken regions of Africa were attacked by rebels without a cause. Like the looters in London, these rebels acted out of greed, as African Rebels often do when gang-raping villagers. These freedom fighters then held a feast in celebration of all the food they liberated.

In the midst of famine, war, riots, and hatred, the internet is primarily worried about Facebook statuses and Twitter follows. Governments everywhere are violently thrusting invisible dildos into our sphincters, and the citizenry is powerless to defy their false genitalia.

But what can I do to help?
First, tighten your bums, it’s about to get interesting. Anonymous, as they like to be called, is in the process of “the plan,” a very ambiguous, elusive concept which will be a magical solution to all future dildo problems. But as it is Anonymous, nothing will be accomplished other than a few teenagers getting V&. There’s not even really a plan past that.

So Anonymous is the usual failure. What’s else can I do?
Anders Breivik had an idea, but let’s not go there. Too much writing and bomb-making. Yet we all know peaceful protest is a waste of time, and riots only help until the tanks roll through, crushing anyone in their way. We’ve thinned our options a bit. Perhaps the only solution, dare I say, the “final solution,” may be combining all forms of protest at once. Murder with peace, riot with blogging. A perfectly synchronized attack of peace and hate. This will obviously require Casio watches.

Maybe the “final solution” will be just as much of a fail as #opsony, who can say? A wise man once said, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” He also said, “if it’s broke, fix it.” That second quote is much less famous, but it shouldn’t be. It’s really quite good.

My point, dear reader, is that our ways of standing up and exercising our voice are rapidly being disallowed. We can’t kill people. We can’t even burn copper’s cars in the streets. So join me in the new protest, peaceful hate pain time. We will excecute PHPT sometime in November, the 5th actually, because we want to steal the small press Anonymous will get for the sure disgrace of #opfacebook.

Editor’s note: Chronicle.SU does not endorse Peaceful Hate Pain Time, violence, or any kind of fake internet activism.

Here’s a few things I’ve learned from making up jokes about the internet. Nick MacCombs, my good friend, is the spy amongst our midst. Once, he asked me to do a hit piece on his site. I did it, at his request! Those bastards pirates got TotallyFalse.info, but they forgot the famed quote by the great leader Topiary, “you cannot arrest an idea.”

All the while, Andrew Breitbart’s retweeting my dick off because he loves the hate. Shit, he even mentioned me. Ian Murphy is a bitch and so is th3j35t3r. At least th3j35t3r doesn’t feed trolls. Adrian Chen makes up his stories just like I do, and I’m a paranoid schizophrenic for thinking this is all funny. Barrett Brown runs the internet.

I’m so paranoid I quit my job! You know that’s all it took for me to to withdraw from society – a little bit of internet paranoia. Of course, I love to spend all day on the internet because I’ve crossed the line into another reality and there’s no coming back. I am a cyborg. A paranoid cyborg. I’m so paranoid from the internet and I use it non-stop.

You see, the paranoid schtick is something I don’t really apply to the internet. I’m just holding a mirror to the internet at large, you are the ones who are paranoid. I’m not paranoid! You’re paranoid!

No, I’ve never thought the internet’s been out to get me. The internet is my friend, and would never conspire against me. Sometimes I get on AnonOps IRC just to look at all the paranoia. The joke is always “u a fed?” “LOL YES.” But this is the joke of a paranoid. These people are paranoid. D0x are flying! Ryan Cleary’s snitchin’.

Paranoid, paranoid?

Yeh you paranoid?

This conspiracy goes to the highest level of Lebal Drocer.

Last week, Ian Murphy of the Buffalo Beast announced his publication has been banned from Facebook, so I decided to see how difficult it was to share a link to this important article with my friends on Facebook.

This moronic piece from Ian Murphy attempted to display all kinds of articulate and savvy points about rage comics, lolcats, and white supremacy memes, but instead illustrated how clueless Murphy really is. All it took for me to post a link to this “banned” article on Facebook was a simple URL shortener. Instead of an unfunny mixture of internet memes and pitiful moaning on the terrible social problem of Holocaust denial, Murphy could have just mentioned URL shorteners and made a supreme mockery of Facebook. Also, cocks.

If Murphy wanted to take it a step further, the Beast could have purchased another domain. Perhaps he could have used 4chan.com or elfwax.com. Censoring a web site run by a truly savvy team of engineers is completely impossible. However, the issue of censorship was employed only for the sake of an underhanded advertisement campaign. Murphy didn’t care about Facebook censorship. In fact, our sources within Anonymous have confirmed Murphy reported The Beast to Facebook for offensive content, as part of a larger conspiracy to drive his fans to Google+.

In May, The Beast sided with Google when unearthing a scheme by Facebook to pay off journalists. Google has a long history of raining gold all over Ian Murphy’s publication. Records obtained from hacked bitcoin nodes indicate Murphy received nearly 1,000 bitcoins on Monday afternoon, adding to the pile of evidence that he’s been payrolled by Google.

tl;dr: Buffalo Beast is a fail. Ian “Herp Derp” Murphy is a fail. Lolcats are dead, rage comics are dead. Old person is old and Buffalo Beast deserves b&.

UPDATE: Ian Murphy/Billy Walshe correspondence leaked to Pastebin!