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MEL GIBSON ABDUCTED BY ISIS

Mel Gibson was abducted by ISIS early Tuesday morning.

SAN DIEGO—Friends say Mel Gibson disappeared late Monday night after taking a drive through southern California. Tuesday evening, a video purportedly appeared on YouTube showing Mel Gibson, bound and kneeling in front of an ISIS banner and wearing an orange tunic. The video was quickly removed from YouTube as it purportedly showed ISIS heavily mutilating the Mad Max 2: Road Warrior actor’s face.

Police say they have electronic evidence that Gibson’s phone traveled into Mexico shortly after the abduction. Chief Jeff Gorlin of the San Diego police told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Thanks to the NSA, we have strong evidence that Mel Gibson was taken to the hideout of a previously unknown ISIS sleeper cell somewhere on the Baja peninsula. We believe ISIS hired the infamous Zetas drug cartel to carry out the abduction and defeat our border security, but that’s all I can say right now.”

In Australia and the US, fans of Mel Gibson flooded the streets to hold public vigils and prayers. Pastor Ann Haliday of the Church of Christ in Salem, Utah, told reporters as her congregation gathered outside the local movie theater, “The Passion of the Christ is the only good movie America’s had in a century of moviemaking. God is watching over Mel Gibson, and we are praying for him.”

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Miley Cyrus enjoys groping of fans in latest performance

Miley Cyrus let fans grope her vaginal and anal areas, Thursday night in a performance in Atlanta.

ATLANTA—On stage Thursday night in Atlanta, Miley Cyrus let fans stroke gently at her vagina with only a thin layer of tight, sequinned cloth between their grasping fingers and her smooth labia. Authorities fined her tour company for this obscene display, but concerned mothers’ groups are outraged as the fine only amounted to $1,200.

Jenny Ronaldo, spokesperson for Concerned Christian Mothers, a sexual prudence organization, told reporters, “Maybe that’s an acceptable fine for strip clubs, as it keeps their shows from degrading into outright public whoring, but it does nothing to stop someone like Miley. $1200 is just not enough to keep her from doing this disgusting and obscene type of exhibition again and again.”

Earlier this year, Miley’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards was met with controversy as she introduced suburbia to the urban dance known as twerking. Twerking is a dance where women present their anus and vagina, as if for penetration, while the fleshy parts of the legs are made to jiggle enticingly.

Millions of teenage girls brought twerking to their school dances, causing thousands of complaints and triggering concerns among parents all over the nation. Already, at least three school districts have issued warnings to students who, on Friday morning, emulated Miley’s on stage vaginal petting, causing massive disruptions in learning and at least one release of dangerous bodily fluids.

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Entertainment

Fish Plays Pokemon

In an effort to catch them all, Grayson the betta male has logged 150 hours on Pokémon.
In an effort to catch them all, Grayson the betta male has logged 150 hours on Pokémon.

In an unprecedented union of nature and technology, a Siamese fighting fish – or “betta” – has unknowingly dived into the world of handheld RPGs and devoted its life to the Red/Blue Game Boy version of Pokémon.

Grayson, a male betta, is doing better than expected.

OP was a pretty cool guy, and had this to say:

“Grayson has been playing for around 125 hours. Last time I checked, Grayson had acquired his first Pokemon, a charmander named AAAABBK and defeated his first opponent, the rival’s squirtle! (Grayson has been playing since the very start and selected his own name from one of the preset ones!)” – TheBloxer

In what game developers are calling “the ultimate betta test,” the onscreen controls are determined by Grayson’s position in his fishbowl. When he slept in his hammock Wednesday night, for example, he was lodged in the “up” directional button. The controls look solid, but are kinda finicky as indicated by a yellow dot that is supposed to track his exact position.

A controversial change was made to the control scheme Thursday, when the fish’s “owner” randomized the button mapping software, potentially interfering with the experiment by stripping even more control from the fish and placing Ash’s fate in the hands of a random number generator.

Perhaps the strangest element of watching a fish play Pokémon for 24 hours a day is the chat bar to the right of Grayson’s play area on twitch.tv: Viewers egg Grayson on during his sleep, with slogans like “Consult the hammock!” and ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ FISHY WAKE UP! ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ … and during his “gaming hours” a subculture of hero worship is burgeoning. ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ ALL HAIL THE MAGIKARP!

The feed is silent, of course, because yesterday twitch.tv shit the bed in fear of copyright lawyer-ghosts and muted any stream featuring music in any form (like Saudi Arabia!) – even their own.

Watch Grayson play Pokémon

Watch live video from FishPlaysPokemon on www.twitch.tv