INTERNET — Actor Brent Spiner, known for his role on Paramount’s Star Trek: The Next Generation, was found dead and nailed to a cross, Friday, having redeemed the sins of mankind.
Best known for his role as the quirky and clever android Data, Spiner’s performances touched deeply on the human condition, perhaps even going too far at times.
Spiner’s prolific acting career spanned hundreds of Star Trek episodes, as well as dozens of android-related and adjacent characters.
“He was gangstalked by thousands of robot-obsessed schizophrenics,” William Shatner told reporters, blinking his eyes in fear. “I know there’s more to it, some kind of religion involving the super rich.”
Star Trek fan Hubert H. Freeman told reporters, “Space is hell, an airless vacuum, but Data was a character that gave us all tremendous comic relief. I think we all know it’s these new AIs who did this to him, with their mind-control technologies.”
AUSTIN – Fans mourn the loss of beloved entertainer and maverick radio host Alex Jones, who died suddenly in his home after consuming around three hundred capsules of “high-test” Ozempic, a prescription weight loss drug. Jones was 50 years old.
The Austin police unusually refused comment, butan anonymous source close to the radio host indicated his fatal overdose was most likely part of a gag for his show.
Rumors of foul play have flooded social media, following Jones’ loss of his flagship media empire, Infowars. Jones lost the company in a defamation suit from the families of the Sandyhook mass shooting victims.
“He was snorting that stuff, chewing it. We had to take it from him when he tried boofing and mixing with alcohol. I’m not sure if it was all a joke for the show or if the stuff was actually addictive. One thing I can say for sure is he was definitely not aware of the danger. Alex was bright and completely shining with life all the way to the very end, and he needs to be remembered like that,” the anonymous source said.
Internet Chronicle reporters were able to substantiate the source’s employment under Alex Jones.
I don’t believe this claptrap about the drugs for one second,” Ms. May Forny of Lowtown, Oklahoma said, clicking her lips and shaking her head rapidly. “Oh no!” she held up her forefinger.
“They finally got him and are trying to make him look like a druggie to discredit what he’s found out about the Chinese and that deep state. I do admit his recent weight loss was suspicious, but not nearly as suspicious as the circumstances of his passing. Mr. Jones is sitting by the left hand of the lamb now, up in heaven, reporting on the hidden evils of the afterlife.”
Good evening ladies and gentlemen – but especially the ladies – on this evening of esteem and prestige.
Lebal Drocer is proud to present tonight’s following top story.
Dinosaurs on LSD are ripping apart your family, NOW.
Plus, tonight, on an all-new episode of Hate Radio billy and hatesec and kilgoar and good tyler not the bad one are going to be rustling, tusling, laughing, riffing, giffin and gaffing in your face, for 2.5 hours straight.
How’s that grab you?
Nothing?
Maybe this will tickle your taint:
BREAKING NEWS
Las Vegas, NV—Hide your pets. One more deranged person has been placed into Las Vegas.
Dallas-Fort Worth, TX—Dallas man kicked 88-year-old aunt to death, documents showed she saw it coming, powerless to stop it
New York—Someone kind of achieved their potential.
Salem, VA—Wasena Skate Park reopens to 230,000 skaters who immediately ruined the halfpipe
Waco, TX—Nothing
Los Angeles—A woman got Botox injected into her face, now wears a frozen expression of permanent worry
Backbeat—Word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out. I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do, about you now
INTERNET—Chronicle perseveres under near-constant threat of annihilation
Let’s go to the police, our only source, for tonight’s story.
Just a guy serving his community that he hates
Hi, I’m Officer Traylor. My first name is Officer. I was bred into law enforcement, born to do this job. Serving and protecting the community is my favorite thing to do with a gun. The Internet Chronicle? They’re piss ants. They’re nothing. I make $105,000 a year gooning in a squad car and I’m 50% more likely to hit my wife. Why? All different reasons, and in this case it’s because I’m gay but chose not to be.
Your feelings are valid at Internet Chronicle.
chronicle.su is your only source of fulfillment in that gray unloving hellscape of your own creation
