Category: News

INTERNET — Joseph Thorenson, CEO of Lifelike Creations, LLC, the world’s leading manufacturer of robotic sex dolls, came forward with shocking revelations Wednesday after a business dispute and falling out with his biggest client, billionaire Elon Musk brought his company to the brink of bankruptcy.

“We gave Elon the rock star treatment. A totally bespoke doll modeled after his ex-wife, Grimes. For the first time ever we installed a ChatGPT interface, AI voice synthesis, robotic articulation, self-lubricating, self-cleaning, state of the art automatic vagina. At first glance, the doll might have even fooled me,” Thorenson said. “And initially, he was an incredibly happy customer.”

But the billionaire’s appetite for more and more features drew the company into a quagmire of innovations that stretched the cutting edge of technology beyond what was currently possible, Thorenson complained.

“Mr. Musk was unhappy with the context window of ChatGPT, and he didn’t feel that we had trained his ex-wife’s voice properly. But uh, the thing was, we were putting new vaginas into her as many as ten times per month.”

Each time Musk wore out the sex doll, he came up with a new complaint. “At first, he wanted her personality to be more feisty, so we turned up the temperature on the language model. Then he wanted more articulations in her fingers. Then he wanted more life-like breasts. It was never enough.”

In the depths of his sex doll frenzy, Musk reportedly damaged parts of the Grimes replica beyond repair. “We had to cast a whole new head after he caved it in, and then we replace all the joints. God only knows what kind of rage fucking he was doing to that doll, to be shearing half-inch stainless steel pins like that.”

After seeing the tremendous bill for the replacement head, the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter left Lifelike Creations hanging. “We sent him an invoice for the repairs, which totalled just over $10 million, but he left us hanging and won’t return our calls. Now we’re stuck with this super-sophisticated Grimes doll, and well, maybe someone out there will want to buy it. Could be good for a music video, or something.”

Following Musk’s sex doll rampage, Thorenson has had to look at all options, including bankruptcy. “It’s actually pretty dire situation right now, as we didn’t consider one of the world’s wealthiest men could turn out to be such a deadbeat. The whole company is in jeopardy.”

Internet Chronicle reporters reached Grimes, who commented, “The fuckdoll stuff, it’s not really a vibe. It’s part of why we divorced, along with the carbs. In spite of all this I think AI is still the best shortcut to full communism.”

INTERNET — President Biden, beaming at Washington DC policymakers through dark Ray-Ban aviators, announced Sunday at a special brunch that his administration has found decisive proof hundreds of thousands of fentanyl overdoses in the US can be traced to a single pharmaceutical operation in China.

“Their days are numbered,” Biden smiled, as he sipped on a mixture of lemonade and iced tea, better known as an Arnold Palmer. “Either China can cease all production of Fentanyl, or we’ll smoke ’em. We have new capabilities that can reach anyplace on earth, instantly.”

Biden pulled away from the brunch in his Porsche Panamera, squealing his tires and laughing.

Marjorie Taylor Greene was briefly seen shouldering a table full of croissants and pineapple slices, doing squats and screaming, “Impeach the Biden Crime syndicate now!” However, the media’s strange fascination with her freakish Neanderthal-like antics seemed momentarily broken by the revelation of actual news.

Speculation raged through social media, and with the viral analysis of Chat GPT 4.0, the mass consensus was that the US Space Force has fielded an orbital microwave beam that can instantly destroy any surface facility on earth, igniting metals and boiling human beings from the inside out.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador reacted to the sudden craze of conservatives microwaving Fentanyl in an attempt to disprove Biden’s resolve to destroy the facility with a strongly-worded warning: “Do not attempt to destroy Fentanyl using your microwave ovens. This may lead to the release of deadly Fentanyl fumes, which would only be giving China what they want: More dead Americans.”

Conservatives continued to microwave the Fentanyl, with Leeroy Flagstaff of Highland Park, Maryland telling reporters, “Science ain’t always right.”

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of kickboxing legend Andrew Tate, who was found dead in his mansion outside of Bucharest from an apparent overdose on DMT.

Authorities found excess quantities of the “spirit molecule” in Tate’s still-smoking cigar.

Tate was catapulted to fame when video surfaced of him whipping a young woman with his belt. The kickboxer was recently released from prison after facing charges for human trafficking in relation to his crying camgirl farm.

Proceeds from Tate’s Mutli-level Marketing campaign, the so-called “Hustler University” have been seized by the Romanian government, as litigation against the scheme is ongoing.

Many fans believe that Tate’s overdose on the “spiritual molecule” Dimethyltryptamine (DMT) has brought him into a higher realm. Hardcore fan, 14 year old Charlie Gilliam of Liverpool told reporters, “He’s wit machine elves now bruv,” teary eyed and ripping hard on a cigarette, “The fookin’ matrix, yo. Fook.”

[Editor’s note: Reporters seized the minor’s cigarettes and informed his parents, who didn’t seem to care.]