INTERNET — Bewildered internet denizens shrugged as congress questioned a series of dubious “UFO whistleblowers” who have been promoted entirely by Tom DeLonge’s pro-UFO public relations firm, To The Stars Media.
Commentators worry that all this alien crap was a ploy to hype funding for American weapons manufacturing, or to intimidate foreign nations by suggesting the military has alien guns, such as the alien sniper rifle from N64’s hit shooter, Perfect Dark. However, there are no reports of soldiers, officers, or government officials being sniped through armored concrete bunkers with x-ray vision rail guns. Meanwhile, the Americans are the ones suffering from group-psychotic panic episodes known as “Havana Syndrome,” thanks to a rumor that ex-KGB agents have cobbled a superweapon together out of household appliances.
More reasonable minds, such as Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, noted, “Anyone who read this stuff would have instantly realized the so-called UFO disclosure was only clickbait, and the claims of the whistleblowers were taken whole cloth from a variety of Will Smith movies.”
But The Fresh Prince already slapped himself out of the game, and while Hollywood writers may be on the brink of getting a better deal, they will likely never see a cent out of this congressional hearing. 90’s pop punk icon Tom DeLonge, however, had T-Shirts printed up ahead of time:
“The UFO Hearings today made history,” Tom wrote. “I am so proud of the three witnesses today that blew the lid off the UFO secrecy that has been intact for decades. Graves, Fravor and Grusch are HEROES. I appreciated the shout-out during the hearing, but so many were involved with @tothestars.media to make this happen. Get your shirt now, and remember that we at To The Stars changed the world.”
Speaking to The Independent, the blink frontman also proudly enthused: “Everything that is happening right now is 100 per cent because of To The Stars. I mean, I’ve known this, and my guys know this… we really feel, in our company, we’ve really changed the course of the world.”
There is no military funding behind this. There are no feds, no spooks, no corporation with some ulterior motive. But on the surface, it resembles a psyop. When a psyop is carried out merely for the amusement of the perpetrator, and no one really has much more to gain from it, it’s called a gayop. There are also no aliens, at least in this story. There are only Tom DeLonge’s gayops.
Harvard alien-hunter Avi Loeb’s team of scientists and submersible experts searched the bottom of the ocean to find some titanium alloy dust originating from an item astronomers observed moving at an incredible speed towards earth and breaking up extremely low in the atmosphere. The natural conclusion that the militarization of space is well underway and that his specks of dust come from a satellite-destroying kinetic weapon might make headlines even starker than the bit about aliens, but Loeb is a man possessed with an alien obsession. Just like Tom Delonge, at the end of the road everything becomes an alien evangelizing about aliens.
Or maybe not! Watch the fuck out for that guy from Harvard. He’s far more likely to be running interference for the orbital railgun emplacements than Blink 182.