Internet ChronicleShit happens.
REVELATIONS — Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, died suddenly Sunday evening after suffering a heart attack in his home. He was 65 years old and will be deeply missed by prominent bankers and comedians. His entire estate of over twenty million dollars was disbursed to the Anti-Defamation League and will go towards building a holocaust theme park in the heart of Tel Aviv.
SLAVEYARD — Lebal Drocer, indicted for what one Judge called, “laying down with the dogs and getting the fleas,” fired back at Europol after they seized Lebal Drocer Publishing’s heavily-guarded mainframe installation in Belgium, or possibly Germany.
Lebal Drocer’s Chief Marketing Officer Barry B. Poundheaven told reporters, “This was an unadorned form of harassment directed at the people’s final source for truth, knocking the Internet Chronicle offline for mere moments but taking a profound strike at liberty over all of spacetime.”
Laughing, Poundheaven dismissed the seriousness of the situation, saying, “Yes, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time during the world’s biggest police operation, but it was no more serious than the usual constant attacks we receive from hateful, patriotic or anarchocapitalist hackers. Only a fool would be surprised that the Marxist Eurofeds would take this opportunity to hassle the world’s most glorious corporation.”
Chronicle.su officers were nowhere to be found during the site seizure, but hatesec approached kilgoar on several occasions asking him to setup PGP encryption so the underground editors could communicate freely.
“He emailed me twice,” kilgoar said, “but I was busy with a lot of stuff and with all the media requests we receive at chronicle.su, it can be hard to tell the difference between a real OP and a psy-OP.”
Kilgoar said it was at that time the Lebal Drocer, Inc. CEO wrote him, again, requesting the two communicate securely.
“He said he was Anonymous,” kilgoar explained. “He said he was legion.”
Hatesec, a known corporate apologist, told kilgoar that Lebal Drocer was not to blame for the Chronicle outage.
“He said Lebal Drocer is invincible,” kilgoar said. “He threatened to dox me if I said anything otherwise.”
The Internet Chronicle will never die.
MOSCOW — At the G20 meeting Friday evening, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin announced a huge leap in technology that will provide clean, low cost fusion energy without the use of any fossil fuels whatsoever. Putin addressed the world summit, saying, “The Russian state is fully backing the mass production of fusion reactors, having successfully tested several generations of prototypes. We will be shipping a production model to our allies in China starting in 2021 for a low, low price, although this peaceful technology is too dangerous to hand over to the aggressive NATO coalition.
Some who saw Putin’s fierce moves into Ukraine as irrational or hamhanded have had to reset their assumptions about what Russia’s military may soon be capable of in light of the announcement technology that seems to far surpass anything possessed by the United States or other advanced nations. Expert geotechnologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, told reporters, “The circle is complete. The United States will continue its inevitable fall to the status of second world and possibly even third world, while the glorious ascendant Soviet Eurasian Union moves forward with technology that will complete the colonization of the solar system. We always knew communism was the right choice, for the long run.”