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The Poor are Satan's Army

Satan's Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven
Satan’s Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven

“I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but most of all I’ve seen short segments on television by fair and balanced news networks that have no vested political interests backing their reporting. I watch them every day, and because of it I know the free market is always the best solution.” ~ My first book, The Poor are Satan’s Army

Healthcare was great in America, and America is a place where those who need healthcare and can’t pay for it will be punished openly on the free market, through a sanction and stigma business which scores your credit rating. Through this system, prices on things like insurance, rent, and so on will skyrocket and you will be suppressed into a lower rank in the caste spectrum. You will earn less money for the same services and gets less money for more work. Potential landlords and employers will run a check on you because they know not to do business with you, as is correct and proper. But thanks to Obamacare, Barack Hussein Obama has personally mandated — in violation of the constitution — that you must submit to government controlled death panels, rather than the free market death panels I rightly prefer. Everyone knows the American government has been incapable of anything since winning the last World War, and now it would probably lose hands down to an invasion from North Korea.

Institutions that prey on those who seem to be unable to exist properly within the domain of capitalism are smitten down by the invisible hand of God. What the invisible hand does is necessarily justice itself. As a good Christian I believe the poor are in fact Satan’s army, otherwise God would not strike them. Separation of church and State dictates that it is right and proper that they may receive help only through the pity of God incarnated in voluntary Church fundraising, or through for-profit philanthropy. Those in the grips of Satan must struggle under the capitalist system, created in the image of God and incarnated through human rationality and statistical math.

I believe that Liberals, generally well-meaning people who are able to make a living, are only the enemy within. Those who can exist comfortably in the warm suburban embrace of God’s greatest capitalist empire are as angelic as any good conservative simply for maintaining a decent and responsible credit rating. God blesses them with halcyon streets free of drugs and vagrancy. Thanks to the stewardship of local police they dwell in a heavenly realm rather than in the hellish streets where existence itself has been correctly outlawed. But the Liberals do not understand God’s creation. They want to lift these demons from their sewers.

I believe we need to get back to what the founding fathers intended. When they said “All men are created equal,” they meant that businesses should be able to put a price on every man’s head within an equal market. And if some people can’t catch a break, it isn’t up to the government to make people equal again, it’s up to the Creator. He gave all people an equal capacity to thrive in the capitalist system, and if they find themselves in hell it is their own sins at fault. Christ only saves those who save themselves, he doesn’t go around writing blank checks absolving everyone for their sins. He only helps those who deserve it, destined from their high birth for a life of comfort and luxury.

But if the Liberals are right, and Jesus really meant that the poor are the only ones who can get into heaven (as is obviously false, if you look at the conditions the poor live in every day) then it would follow that they’d also be nicer people. But, as we all know, they’re mean and angry and more likely to do drugs and sin. They wear symbols of Satan, listen to angry metal or rap music, and brag about how they’re going to hell. Just look at anyone who is a deadbeat and can’t make their own way under the capitalist system. You don’t want to be like them.

Read More in my new book, coming out this Christmas: The Poor are Satan’s Army

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Snowden says "Don't drink Pepsi"

Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian's favorite drink
Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian’s favorite drink

INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden unveiled that Pepsi executives bribed NSA overseers for information from several discount shopping card programs and facebook emotional manipulation experiments in order to convert Coke drinkers to Pepsi products. Snowden said, “This is only the surface of emotional manipulation by Pepsi, and they may even employ drink additives in some markets to tinker with the emotions of drinkers. One thing is very important to know: Don’t drink Pepsi.”

Snowden was seen drinking a Coke over his live feed into HOPE X, a conference where utopian technofetishists converge to discuss the beautiful future that awaits us all. The whistleblower smiled and flashed the Coke logo on his can, winking to audiences before taking a satisfying swig of the healthy, mind-control additive-free beverage.

Some critics believe that Snowden may be under the thumb of the Russian government, as Russia is the largest foreign market for Pepsi, which is seen both as a powerful instrument of western imperialism and of cultural influence. Dr. Markov Leninovski, economic analyst from the University of Moscow, said, “Snowden has shown his hand by going after the place where the latest round of sanctions will hurt Russians the most. Russian people love Pepsi, but after the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17, sanctions will soon make the addiction hard to afford.”

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"Anti-rape Activist" accused of Rape

[pullquote]Cruisin by the River
N you know I’m straight clownin
On you fuckin bitches
And on you fuckin hoes
Step in the club
And you know I’m chose
[/pullquote]INTERNET — Deric Lostutter, also known as KYAnonymous (KY refers to Kentucky, Lostutter’s “Anonymous” home state), starred as hero of a “Strange Saga” featured in Rolling Stone, but the saga is sensational drivel, unanimously derided by Anons who claim Lostutter cannot even hack. Worse, the story has made an “Anti-Rape” hero out of a typical misogynist, and it’s been optioned for a movie by Brad Pitt’s production company.

The Rolling Stone article claims that Lostutter is facing more prison time than the rapists he clamed to expose, although no charges have been officially filed against him and he is still “awaiting indictment.” In the meantime, Lostutter raised over $50,000 dollars for his legal defense, bought a Harley, and waved around stacks of Benjamins on Facebook.

The latest “strange” development in Lostutter’s saga is a rape accusation from an ex-girlfriend. Not only does the accusation imply statutory rape, but also the less acknowledged kind of rape endemic to abusive relationships. Lostutter has responded to these accusations by threatening to sue his ex-girlfriend as well as deploying his one “hacking” skill: doxing. He linked his fans to her adult-themed webcam site and unveiled her name as well as her child’s name, the kind of heroic anti-rape activism that get one’s story told in Rolling Stone.