WESTBORO — Fred Phelps, pastor and founder of the Westboro Baptist Church known for anti-gay protests announced he’d be giving up homophobia Sunday evening. In a press conference held in Westboro’s sanctuary, Phelps, clad in his iconic cowboy hat, told reporters, “I was struck by a blinding light, and I cowered like a sinful, godless sodomite. But God struck me down in His might, and I covered my face in ashes.”
Pastor Phelps recounted a new vision for the church which was revealed in this instant by God, “America is no longer doomed. Westboro will storm every soldier’s funeral with rainbow signs of heaven’s love. His bright crown adorning, They shall shine in their beauty. Westboro hath saved each and every American despite their reckless sin, and Westboro will be waiting at Saint Peter’s gates for each and every soldier, cheering until the last man comes home.”
Lesbian Gay Transgender and Bisexual activists in the crowd wept openly in joy at this announcement. One remarked, “It’s as if I can feel good about being an American and a Christian again, as long as we don’t have another church like this one.”
Computer networking allows billions of long-dead authors and living professionals to collaborate in the world’s most perfect epic poem: The Panid
INTERNET — Today the Arch-Primate of the Camelot Online University announced the results of an intensive new study. Hundreds of thousands of competent and accredited colleagues in thousands of diverse fields participated in the study, combing through the entire corpus of written human dialogue at least three times over, looking for accidental descriptions of future events, gems of beauty, or other pieces of interest they felt like upvoting in the purpose-built PanidBook social media web site, a decentralized not-for-profit digital communal space and an often criticized “first-ocracy” investing unwarranted power in the hands of people who were the first in their field to join the website.
The results of the project have been described as astounding, beautiful, and profoundly disturbing. Critics of the study have rightly pointed out that the parameters of the social media itself were determinate to a large extent in the resulting poem and that by no means does this study “prove” that such a thing as foreknowledge exists, a belief which follows the demented exaggerations of the paranoid mainstream news media.
However, according to the Arch-Primate’s reading of the study’s poem and the associated esoteric texts, if knowledge were to be something which in fact existed, then it would only be provable as such through the prediction of future events. But this was not the aim of the project, and critics say it was a narrative selected by forces of a Reddit-style upvoting market driven by the tendencies of the study’s participants and not at all the “truth.” They also suggest that the Arch-Primate has insisted on a method for stitching a story together which matches his vision and the closely aligned vision of the many thousands of subforum moderators.
As is well documented, the study’s original aim was in fact to perform, in The Arch-Primate’s words, a “survey of narrative epistemology establishing a canon of pure truth within the system of epic poetry.” The seven volume Panid is set to hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble next December, as the Panid is an ongoing project which is self-refining and not yet ready, as the Arch-Primate explained, “It would not be responsible to release it yet for public consumption. Already our colleagues in fractal geography have been able to chart a pattern approximated in the Panid’s construction forming a nearly perfect correlation with known laws of physics, and with a few minor changes we may be able to complete the project and pass it into the hands of theoretical physicists. Using computer modeling, they will be able to write the narrative of the future and perhaps even prehistory, today. It may be the stuff legends are made of.”
