Category: News

NEW YORK — “He is an abomination to our country,” Melissa Jawfreys posted to Facebook, misgendering Lady Liberty as a sign of hate and disrespect towards all trans people everywhere.

Jawfreys, a devoted Christian, believes that the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor should be torn down.

“That despicable wokist statue is not only an unchristian pagan idol but also a transexual bathroom-invader menacing every child in America,” she raged. “That’s why we’re suing to have this statue of wokism and sin torn down.” Thousands of facebookers liked this post, with Jawfreys gaining over 200,000 new facebook friends in just the past twelve hours.

Jawfreys is the chair of Christianity for Christians, a legal group that describes itself on its website as “. . . the number one advocate for the religious freedom of Christian Americans.”  Internet Chronicle has confirmed that Christianity for Christians has indeed filed suit against the United States Federal Government, claiming that the “pagan” statue violates separation of church and state. Christians for Christianity reported one anonymous donor has already contributed over a billion dollars to the cause.

Many Libertarian men wrote support for Jawfrey’s viral post on Facebook, citing economic concerns, “Government has no place putting out statues all over the place,” Gerald Cockburn wrote. “Think of all the money we’re wasting all the time on bells and whistles like that when in reality we should be melting down what little we have left and making the best of it.”

Dan Leegan agreed, “If we were to make some actual copper pennies out of that statue, if people could feel that weight of real pure copper in their hands, I bet that would slow down this Bidenflation real quick.”

In spite of the overwhelming positive reception to the idea, some Conservative Christians still do not agree that the project of entirely tearing down the statue is worth the money.

Benny Marcoli of Alameda Texas wrote, “The copper isn’t that valuable, and tearing it down is going to cost more money than it’s ever worth. Maybe we should just replace the copper with a more suitable and traditional looking woman, or possibly Jesus, but this time make it out of fiberglass. It will cut down big time on costs.”

Jawfrey concluded the discussion victorious, “While both sides of the controversy have made very good points, there’s one thing we all agree on. The Statue of Wokist Liberty, as it stands, must go.”

INTERNET — “It’s not the AKs, it’s the mindset.” Trainwreck, the top podcaster fumed at his Rust clan. “We just take the most shortcut way to success and then fill boxes with so many AKs so quickly that what used to be fun about Rust is no longer fun anymore.”

Even though wipe day was just hours away, Trainwreck’s clan had fallen into complete burnout and disarray after they were wiped leaving oil.

The gamers began teamkilling and getting grubbed for M2s right outside base, displaying an unhinged and careless attitude, the typical signature of clan death. Some even turned on Trainwreck for bringing down the mood, accusing him of copying Hasan Piker’s act.

“You’re all addicts for the next rush of adrenaline, the next big risky play,” Trainwreck charged. “We had so many boxes of guns you couldn’t count them all and now we’re down to just a few AKs spread out all over the base.”

The agitated Trainwreck began asking for Blazed to join, both to regain the lost composure of the group as well as to share wisdom about the ongoing dilemma of clan life and death in Rust. Blazed is highly respected as the world’s top Rust guru, understanding every aspect of the game with a calm, Buddha-like insight. [Editor’s note: An Internet Chronicle writer was featured in Blazed’s most popular YouTube video, I went deep on a streamer]

Following Blazed’s suggestion, Trainwreck then meticulously analyzed the farming statistics for each team member, trying to weed out the leeches and PVP addicts who were too lazy to contribute  cloth to the base.

Blazed, calmly allowing Trainwreck to reach his own conclusions, only smiled as the team’s suggestions of reverting the recoil, increasing clan sizes to forty players, and purging casual content creators from the scene washed past him, temptations that could not begin to affect his meditative and enlightened state.

“We’re O for six on raids,” an exhausted Winnie laughed after the team powered through their sunken morale to fail on one last raid. The diminishing returns of fun dipped into the negative as a garage door enclosed the dead body containing all the boom.

As the heroic efforts of Blazed and Winnie to maintain control of the inner peekdowns were seared away in a hail of dragon’s breath shotgun blasts, the light in the clan scene of Rust itself seemed to flicker. The defenders of the raid spawned in naked and showed bad sportsmanship, sore winners, and thousands of viewers were left contemplating whether Rust was ever a reasonable choice of a game for esports to begin with.

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden slammed his fist into his laptop, Thursday, shouting with full force, “Death to Ukrainian Nazis!”

Putin tented his fingers and growled like a rabid dog. “They’ll never take back Crimea. Precious Crimea.”

Edward Snowden’s Ukrainian rant was building towards a crescendo. He’d cursed Zelensky, condemned chemical warcrimes, and now he tore into his laptop with his teeth, ripping at the display, broken liquid crystals mixing with the blood on his chin. “I SENT THE GODDAMNED BALLOONS. I SABOTAGED THE TRAIN IN OHIO. I AM THE CENTER, THE PIVOT, THE CULMINATION OF HUMANKIND!”

Putin tapped nervously at his red emergency button and rattled away Russian commands to his deputies over his desktop intercom, “Cut the video, have the bastard tranquilized. Try not to let him get too wound up.” Pacing in front of hundreds of television monitors, Putin snarled and recoiled as the screens began to fill with Snowden.

Leering at the pistol on his shoulder harness, caressing it as he menaced his assistant, Putin barked, “Forget it. Bring out a fresh clone, have this one cubed and dissolved. He’s done. I don’t care how long it takes, we’ll get this right. Maybe soon I will have to clone another assistant, too.”

Snowden clone A3 grimaced at the pain of the hacksaw tearing into his live flesh, but otherwise did not appear to notice the life draining from him. “I can feel my brain integrating with the world wide web. This is incredible. I have ascended to a higher level of consciousness from which I can see all of time engraved within this very room. It’s magnificent.”

Putin’s Igor-like assistant continued to cut away small cubes from Snowden’s shins, carefully feeding each piece into the acid bath.

“It isn’t a simulation. It’s an emulation of the past from an infinite computer that builds itself in defiance of entropy. The future is the present really, but also it’s just one past. A projection of one possible past, out of billions. Finally I can see them, all of them.” Snowden heaved his last sigh as the incredible beauty of eternity entirely dissolved his cloned soul once again.