Category: News

TOKYO — Japanese whalers have long targeted blue whale calves simply because the adult of the species is too large, but now a new technology allows a disguised submersible to harvest the milk that the culled infant whales cannot. When the blue whale calf is brought onto the deck of the whalers’ ship, a manned submersible which “swims” much like a baby whale is immediately dispatched to join the mother. Most of the time, the mothers cannot tell the difference and allow the submariners to pump many hundreds of gallons of milk from its breasts, a rare and prized commodity worth millions of dollars on the Japanese market.

“Japanese people have always enjoyed milk from aquatic mammals when it’s been harvested from a captured female, but free range milk, especially from the blue whale, is of a quality and flavor never found before,” said Dr. Yoichi Daiichi, an expert in aquatic mammals. “This milk can be transformed into a variety of top shelf products like cheeses, yogurts, and ice creams. We are witnessing the birth of a new industry with the potential to outproduce other milks! With careful management, we may be able to increase the numbers of blue whales in the oceans and provide millions with inexpensive free range blue whale milk.”

ROME — Pope Francis, the popular new pope known for humility and outreach to the poor, was shot down by an assassin Tuesday morning as he drove his small, unarmored car to work without the protection of the celebrated Swiss Guard. People of faith around the globe mourn the senseless death of Pope Francis and search for answers. No one has taken credit for the killing, but The Vatican is working with Italian police to investigate the shooting.

Pope Francis opened new dialogue with the long estranged Eastern Orthodox Church and the Islamic faith before criticizing the financial sector for idolatry of money. However, Pope Francis remained firm on the position that members of The Freemasons were still not acceptable to the Catholic Church, in continuance with the policy of Pope Emeritus.

Just one day before the shooting, Pope Francis told reporters, “The banksters running the world’s economy do so without answering to a higher authority and are in a state of grave peril. Their constant manipulation of the news media to maintain a profitable state of never ending false crisis is diabolical. Such deception is the work of Satan.”

INTERNET — Humans are entirely irrational and guided by unconscious compulsions rather than evidence, according to a new document leaked after hackers infiltrated the US Secret Psyop Command nestled within the NSA’s secrecy zone. Journalst Glenn Greenwild reported, “Now that we have evidence of how the US is exploiting our irrational unconscious minds, we’ll finally be able to stop it once and for all.”

Famed blogger Randall Tartan called for Glenn Greenwild to release more evidence, “[Greenwild] has only shown us small fragments of the evidence, abusing the same irrationality that the Psyop Command does. What we need now is more evidence than ever so that the masses can rationally understand what it is that’s being done to them without their knowledge or consent.”

Internet Activists across the world were certain that this latest leak would be the “silver bullet” creating positive social change, if and only if it could garner enough attention among reality television viewers. Professor of Ascendant Philosophy Peter Judlow told reporters, “I think we can have the change we want if this story keeps popping up in the news every day until the end of time. The slow leak method of Greenwild is phenomenal because as long as people are conscious of their unconscious minds, then they can act more rationally than ever. Sadly, Randall Tartan is wrong to believe that mere evidence can produce this effect. What’s needed is constant manipulations and careful control of the evidence so it is framed in a way that is maximally frightening, triggering unconscious fears and irrational compulsions which will cause Reality TV viewers to continue reading Greenwild’s reports. I do believe this particular leak to be the final silver bullet for freedom.”