Category: News

INTERNET — In a show of solidarity with Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, Anonymous hackers targeted and infiltrated infamous FEMA camp servers. FEMA camps imprisoned millions of Japanese citizens in the last century, and some believe the camps are part of a contingency plan which will be used for population control in the possible event of famine or pandemic.

“They’re doing everything conspiracy theorists have feared. There are chemical incinerators that can liquefy thousands of bodies in hours and plastic coffins to contain the liquid remains. FEMA camps are hundreds of thousands times more efficient than the concentration camps of the Nazis.” said one Anonymous hacker.

Information acquired by Anonymous includes the names and email passwords of guilty FEMA employees and contractors, and Anonymous hackers will likely exploit these maximally to explore related computer systems, as they did after gaining access to HBGary. In the past, Anonymous has stolen money using similar tactics, targeting the especially villainous with endless pizza deliveries.

When he’s not out fighting the panoptic gaze of the government with Edward Snowden, Glenn Greenwald, the Internet’s best mirror-image of Rush Limbaugh, spends much of his time starting feuds with other journalists. He’s incredible at winning arguments partially due to his looming influence but is also excellent at a “death by a thousand cuts” tactic, in which he focuses his lawyer powers on minutia instead of a more general debate.

For better or for worse, organizations like WikiLeaks and guys like Glenn Greenwald are going to claim that they’re journalists and purposefully insert opinions, exaggerations, and fearmongerings. It’s the same magic formula used by Glenn Beck, Fox News, and Alex Jones. Leakers go to guys like Greenwald all the time. Everyone does it, so it’s really no big deal. It doesn’t make me mad anymore. I’m totally over it.

What’s bothering me now is that Glenn Greenwald has been half-assing it. Maybe he thinks he’s finally won Twitter and no longer has to try.

Glenn Greenwald’s top 3 terrible clichés

1: “America should be on its knees every day begging.”

I Wanna Be Your Dog, by Iggy and the Stooges, is written with much more color.

2. “Lying to our faces”

Our precious faces are on the line, now that the NSA’s lies have been confirmed by Greenwald’s gaydar. Hide your faces from the lies.

3. “That’s not a threat. Those are facts,” Greenwald typed angrily, with his face drawn in malice.

MOSCOW — According to documents provided by Edward Snowden, a fleet of undercover prototype cars equipped with long-range neuroimaging sensors have been deployed by the NSA for initial testing. Each night, these cars carve carefully planned routes through urban and suburban centers, collecting detailed brain scans of sleeping citizens.

Snowden, from the Sheremetyevo airport, spoke with Internet Chronicle reporters, warning, “The NSA can determine whether your dreams indicate a subversive mindset, but they’re not yet at the point where this technology can interpret specific images or words. It’s still being tested, and it promises to be the most powerful tool yet for spying on American citizens. In dreams, people cannot censor themselves like they can while awake, so the NSA hopes this will help unravel even the most carefully hidden terror attacks.”

The long-range neuroimaging device works by focusing an intense beam of X-rays on the human brain, which is located by a specially tuned radar system. Pets and other animals are filtered out by a sophisticated computer system, and Snowden believes that the people tasked with driving these undercover neuroimaging vehicles may have no idea what they’re a part of, as the process is completely automated.

Google recently came under fire for a similar program, which collected information from wifi networks while allegedly photographing data for Google maps.