Category: News

Shit happens.

Categories
News

Cloudflare CEO Matthew Prince Praises KiwiFarms for its “epic trolling”

Matthew Prince in the heyday of his trolling career, back when AOL brought more idiots to the internet than in all of history.

INTERNET — Wednesday, Internet Chronicle Editor-In-Chief Raleigh Theodore Sakers received a distressed phone call from Matthew Prince, CEO of CloudFlare, telling all about his lifelong passion for internet trolling.

[Disclosure: The Internet Chronicle is hosted on CloudFlare, and Internet Chronicle writer Jaime Cochran was also a paid troll and hacker for CloudFlare]

Matthew Prince, his distorted voice issuing out of a speakerphone, revealed to the stunned Internet Chronicle newsroom that he loves to troll people on the internet, “It’s shock humor, guys. You get me, right? Chaos! I’m always posting on KiwiFarms because that’s where the Internet’s elite trolls are always hanging out. It is real hotbed for new memes and the latest jokes, which later spread over to Reddit, and then Facebook. Shoutout to Catgod!”

Prince confessed that his connections with trolling culture run deep, “Yeah I love to troll, that’s why I hired Asshurt and got weev the  hookup for his Daily Stormer crap. It’s happening all over again.”

Prince rambled on for hours, telling tall tales about his time as the president of the GNAA, a famous trolling group. Once back to the topic of KiwiFarms, Prince sighed, “Josh is causing me a lot of trouble right now and I’m trying to get him to chill out and start pruning some of the more hateful threads. He doesn’t think he can draw the line anywhere, but he can. He can. This is just business, man. Big business, with real money involved. We’re talking millions, even billions.”

Prince nodded sagely, “Lolcows are the future of entertainment, people who are ‘milked’ by trolls. We might call them up, talk to them in a chat, wind them up, and post the recordings and screenshots, the ‘milk’, to my favorite web site, KiwiFarms! This is not harassment or stalking, it’s just information, man! I call these the three principles of free speech:  speech, information, and discussion. They talk, we record the information, and then we discuss it. That’s our freedom.”

Several KiwiFarms victims in the Internet Chronicle offices scoffed loudly at Prince’s proposal for a reformed forum. One of the thousands of transexuals whose “information” has been “documented” by the forums remarked, “What are they going to do, create another Oh Internet, but this time with dickgirls and femboys? These drama sites are cringe, man. Cringe af. We gotta do somethin’ about them. Maybe write a death hoax or somethin’.”

“Fuck yeah,” Dr. Troubador said, snapping his finger with a hot new idea. “That would be wild, man! Breaking: Josh Moon dead at 28. Fans and haters mourn the loss of a titan in the silicon valley industry, a man who reinvented the social network from the inside out and changed the world for the better, by spreading the freedom not just of speech, but even better, the freedom to legally silence others. Wow! You getting this, guys?”

Kilgoar and Hatesec immediately began typing this obituary out in their private, secure Lebal Drocer installation of etherpad, the free and open-source alternative to Google Docs. In the distance, Matthew Prince could be heard reminiscing on the speakerphone about his many incredible prank phone calls, in which he spent whole days berating “lolcows” until they slipped up and said something funny. “I talked to Chris Chan for over a month and posted everything to KiwiFarms. Meanwhile, Cloudflare was making me billions. That’s just my life. So hey, when you print this just make me cool, like McAfee. I’m thinking of running for president.”

Categories
Society Technology World

The world’s first arcology goes live: Akon City skyline amazes Senegal

Akon City: "Generate your true value."
Akon City: "Generate your true value."

DAKAR, Senegal——Millions of fans and refugees tore at each other in a stampede to gain entrance and instant citizenship in the newly opened “Akon City” arcology near Ponto, Senegal.

Upon entrance, new citizens were greeted with a digital identification card giving them access to a lifetime of free housing, food, and fiber-optic internet.

Sprawling avenues, beset with alleyway marketplaces, crowded with merchants trading their wares, the front gate scuffle opens into scenes from the highest science fiction fantasies.

Akon City offers breathtaking glimpses into a star-studded wonderland, where normies and their heroes can bond over a mutual love for planned society.

Couples walk hand-in-hand toward a tower at the center of town, joining thousands in an evening migration to the main stage, for a ritual around a nightly hologram. The group swells and crashes in human waves upon the round, masses frothing at the base of the larger-than-life, 12-feet-tall apparition of Akon himself.

Not only is operating an RTX 3080Ti PC graphics card at 99% power profitable, the cryptomining hardware itself is the load-bearing structure of the most power-intensive metro area ever conceived, according to lead developers at the architectural firm, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

“The buildings? Yeah, they’re made out of graphics cards,” said architect Myadi H. Triinh. “Even the floors. The walls. That’s free hot water.”

Akon City: Buildings and railways are built for "breathability" to dissipate excess heat from structural graphics cards.
Akon City: Buildings and railways are built for “breathability” to dissipate excess heat from structural graphics cards.

Squinting into the simulated sunset on his full-wall monitor system, influencer Babacar Mbaye exclaimed to his Akon.TV viewers, “I have full access to the computing power of four RTX 3080s and I can use them as I see fit.” With one gesture Mbaye’s sunset morphed into a cyberpunk terminal system full of switches, scrolling text, code, at which he began to furiously hack, Akoins flying across his virtual heads up display.

“Already I am making an Akoin a day just streaming this video feed of my apartment!” Mbaye winked, and you can make almost that much while fully mining, relaxing, and reading a book! Even if sometimes only in small ways, everything I do contributes to the creation of more Akoin.”

A bedgraggled mule trudged by in the direct sun, pots and pans clanging at her sides.

Seynabou Ndiaye was less than satisfied with Akon’s sprawling Arcology.

Ndiaye was once a prosperous journalist, moving easily about Chicago, putting stories together about chronic underfunding in American school systems. Now, he is lost, convinced that some answer to a question he’s not quite sure was his lies just around the next corner, and he keeps getting turned around in Akon City.

“I can’t find my way around this so-called vanity city,” Ndiaye said. “I tried to leave but there are no exits. I feel like an animal in here. They want to try to make me video game until I have no Akoins and then try to charge me more Akoin just to open my own doors, flush my dirty floor toilets, use their toilet paper. It is a filthy prison, but at least I do not have to work in the hot sun. Still, I can’t seem to shake some strange feeling, a nagging sensation, telling me, ‘This is not who I am.'”

Akon, 38, died in his Atlanta home November 20, 2011.
Akon died at his Atlanta home November 20, 2011. He was 38.

Ousmane Sene raged angrily in the moments before his popular stream, a show about Akoin investments, was quickly shut down:

“I can live like Akon when I put on VR goggles, but I begin to lose my Akoins. Soon I cannot open my door unless I perform another song by Akon. I do not like Akon. I am a fan of rock and roll and jazz but they do not give Akoins. It is like a new hell.”

Akoin, a cryptocurrency famously first minted by Akon, is the central currency of Akon City. Foreign dollars are surrendered to guards at checkpoints entering and leaving The Gambia.

“The rules start getting blurry,” a distorted, robotic voice said from the back, but Chronicle reporters could not hear him very well, and did not seek follow-up comment. A primer on Akon City’s decentralized contract-based law will suffice.

Visitors concerned with theft at the border are assured that their money is in safe hands, because APD officers are contractually forbidden to use foreign currency, a crime punishable by mutilation or death.

Akon City Attorney statement:

Our Customer Police Department is committed to the safety of Akon City. Coming in for a visit? We will stop at nothing to protect you from each other, using proven weapon strategies, as demonstrated by our team’s efforts in the Counterstrike: Global Offensive arena.

Surrender currency at the border to an Akon City representative, and receive Akoin in kind. Be not afraid. Your worthless fiat currency is safe with us.

Any labour performed at our camps is awarded at the premium rate determined by the strength of Akoin in global markets. Unfairly mistaken for “scrip,” Akoin is in fact a volatile cryptocurrency that is sure to keep your stay in our city very exciting.

Come on 7’s! Watch the markets.

Sincerely,
0000
Chief, Akon City Police
[name redacted for agent’s protection]

After getting high, or gambling, or getting your dicks yoinked at Akon’s $6 billion town (we’re not telling), a Qualified Paying Member with Full Membership Paperwork and Proof of Receipt, a guy like you is more than welcome to cash out anytime, and leave, taking only what you know with you, from Akon City.

What did you learn while you were here?

People wishing to sponsor a thing or do a whatever can register online at the Akon City website. Go ahead player, put your credit card in and see what this thing can do!

Top comment:

It's almost like the city itself was a character

Bal Rossley, Aug 31, 2022 at 6:29 a.m.

671k likes
Categories
News

Laughing at KiwiFarm’s last agonized gasp

The Hater is a noble profession, making a mockery of some aspect of society that is so collectively embarrassing and destructive for us all it must be revealed, sometimes even with deception, trickery, and subversion. The noble Hater is not to be confused with highly prolific, repetitive goblins who rely on their numbers to create a public nuisance. Of course, I could only be speaking of the sad, braindead mobs emanating from KiwiFarms, and their emotionally-handicapped spin doctor, Joshua Moon.

In the last cruel moments of his pale and ultimately pointless existence, site owner Josh Moon has opened a final thread for KiwiFarmers to post the kinds of important speech that he has sacrificed his life and freedom to protect. There is not a breath of record, knowledge, satire, subversion, opinion, or journalism in this last agonized gasp of so-called “freedom,” but only a list of slurs that will get users banned from most websites, classrooms, or dinner parties. There is no humor involved, no comedy bit like George Carlin’s seven dirty words.

Moon’s far reaching, heroic rhetoric in these final moments stress a politics advocating for absolutist free speech without mentioning why it is so important to him or his site. The classic arguments for protected speech underline the many goods that journalism, satire, academic research, and religious expression can do for a society that  does not censor minority opinions. For anyone who has paid attention to recent events, these classic examples of protected speech are deeply and openly hated by Moon and many KiwiFarmers, who are all too happy to orchestrate brutal campaigns intended to silence journalists, comedians, academics, and pundits like Keffals who represent certain minority opinions. Agree with them or not, it is blindingly obvious that a website like KiwiFarms, in facilitating this mob behavior, is actively destroying freedom of speech.

That is, of course, not to say that a sprawling, heavily trafficked forum like KiwiFarms is a monolithic abuse site with a singular agenda. However often KiwiFarmers want to point this out, it still does not change the obvious fact that the forum is easily the largest platform where mobs organize for silencing protected speech, because this activity is promoted and orchestrated by site administrators.

According to Moon, who seems to be on the verge of a schizophrenic break, there is a power mad conspiracy involving the ADL, the US government, various news outlets, and others who are  completely focused on destroying his humble, simple operation. He notes that the success of KiwiFarms could be replicated by any young person who wanted to fill his shoes. Never mind the bloody trail of rival wannabe KiwiFarms websites which have suspiciously disappeared after coming into competition with Moon, or the absolute expense and personal sacrifice Moon has put himself through in his lifelong quest to destroy protected speech. “They” are power mad tyrants, who will stop at nothing to destroy “freedom.”

Moon’s projecting, ridiculous ideas read much like the suicide note of a madman who is reaching for immortality through martyrdom. But like most of the vast reaches at humor on KiwiFarms, it is only a pretext, a poor attempt to convince himself of the rightness in something that is so obviously wrong. Josh Moon, the hero for free speech, is another absurd stretch that will soon be forgotten. If he is remembered, it will not be for this shallow, pseudo-intellectual drivel, but for the truth that he was a cruel piece of shit, obviously consumed by guilt and shame at the joy he took in silencing people, and too much of a moaning, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, pretend intellectual bitch to off himself, his one and only shot in life at doing something to protect freedom of expression.