INTERNET — After reports Monday that Jay Leno suffered massive burns to his face when a Tesla vehicle detonated in his garage, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told investigators, “Jay Leno’s trademark chin will not be salvageable, and I personally suspect foul play.”
Leno Superfan Doug Jackson reacted with horror, saying, “That’s the end of his comedy career. Without that golden chin, he’s just a cut-rate Letterman. He should have stayed away from those dangerous electrical vehicles.” Millions of Leno fans echoed this sentiment, and lament that the former titan of comedy may never get another laugh.
Leno’s former friend and confidante Elon Musk, now firmly in control of the global narrative after his purchase of Twitter, said that the comedian was to blame for the explosion of the Tesla. “I always told Leno to slow down, but he would just make fun of me for wrecking my McLaren.” Musk blanked out for a moment and his eyes glazed over before he added, “I am considering having my own chin enhanced so that more people will find me hilarious. A large chin is also a sign of power.”
Rumors that Elon remotely detonated the Tesla as part of a plot to “steal Jay Leno’s chin and finally become funny,” circulated on the Reddit forum r/conspiracy, one of the few social media sites outside of Elon Musk’s control.
Internet Chronicle reporters, who are close personal friends of Leno through the tightly knit luxury car community, reached the comedian for comment. Leno told hatesec, “In spite of having my chin robbed right off my face, I still have faith in the electric car. They’re the future. They’re fast, quiet, good for the environment. But all the malware that comes installed in these Teslas? No thanks.”
“It’s betta than meta,” AI artists claim, showing a universe far more detailed, realistic, and enjoyable than metaverse.
Internet Chronicle was removed by Google years ago under the false pretense of “fake news.” The Internet Chronicle is Real Fake News, the funny kind. But indeed, Google delisted Lebal Drocer out of spite for our constant haymakers striking at the heart of their rotten operation. Now only Google’s bad AI translations of Internet Chronicle are available to the masses, an absolute theft of our creative efforts. EFF’s precious internet freedom is a blackholing scheme to squelch out not only speech, but internet culture itself, to replace all art everywhere with a shitty metaverse.
Twitter was purchased at an exorbitant “fuck off” price by Elon Musk, who aims to anti-politicize the poisoned republic and institute an American Empire wherein the presidency will be permanent and held for life by Kanye, Trump, or some other barely-billionaire celebrity just low enough on cash to bend the knee for the true financial elites. All other branches of government are further scapegoated and framed in crazy QAnon freakshows to further Imperialize whatever would-be celebrity puppet Neo-Caesar steps up the crudity.
[pullquote]Yes the story actually just now started, and the above was a mighty ornate backdrop for a short fake news story about what it means for the public commons to be in the hands of one dude who is gunnin’ to dispense the crudity and vulgarity that the goblins desire so badly. [/pullquote]
INTERNET — Elon Musk is currently presiding over a diverse council which will set twitter’s standards. He’s calling it his “Council of Frankfurt,*” in reference to Charlemagne’s ruling against iconoclasm.
Recall that youtube video of a jibbering englishman who suddenly became quiet and serious talking about Commodus, the emperor who shot a hundred lions down, one by one, just as a little thing for the people at the Colosseum?
The englishman in the video didn’t think it would be a fan favorite and declared it was all probably a public relations mistake. But I’m thinking shooting all those lions down in the pit is a lot of work, man, so it’s propaganda. It ain’t a mistake to shoot a hundred lions.
People don’t like propaganda, so they have to have it forced on them thanks to the shitty spineless values of people like the EFF, whose role in history is as the handmaidens to political, ethnic, sexual, ideological type scapegoating, genocide, and constant nonstop manipulation worldwide. They’re out there rounding up more Lions for next week and taking a fat check for it.
How many Roman Legionaries will it take to wipe out a Billion Lions? How many swords, spears, shields, sets of armor, can one Legionary wear down to nothing before finally being taken by one of the lions? These are questions for AI, by AI, created in a computer simulations and fed back into youtube videos. It’s just leading to the deepening gloom of perpetual Lion war, this time bought and paid for by the EFF.
[pullquote]”What the fuck do you think this is, the Internet Archive? Some goddamned spineless Wikitopia? People are making big power plays because the EFF spent a lot of money to wave their fingers around and tell noobs that sending bits around ain’t publishing by the magic of computer. Trust me bro, I’m a computer. Stop all the downloadin'” ~ Dr. Troubador, who added that we emphasize how pissed he was with the EFF.[/pullquote]
“Our spies in many countries report that there’s now a Nonfacebook splinter movement broken away from the facebooking EFF mainstream. The true story, confirmed, is that Steve Jobs put away a tremendous amount of money at his death for his fellow Jesuit agents to continue to further influence internet companies to more closely conform to Catholic traditions. That’s what’s happening with the nonfacebookers. The EFF is no longer totally in the sway of Facebook and Zuckerberg’s false robotic religion of algorithmic tripe. Kanye’s running interference, right now, by the way.” ~ A dubious discord screenshot that could have been written by anyone.
[pullquote]”I’m not facebook.” ~ Raleigh Theodore Sakers, 15 years before the EFF came up with it.[/pullquote]
“The Internet Is Not Facebook, as the experts at the EFF claim. Fact checkers have all agreed, the Internet is way more fucking powerful to the point it has its own shill organization to barrage the world with such magical nonsense,” Raleigh Theodore Sakers told the newsroom. “Nonfacebook only EFF elite members are putting together a council of various industry stooges in Silicon Valley to one-up each other with tight industry standards against the most objectionable content first, starting with those facebook genocides and later moving on to lesser sins like hacked revenge porn websites. Then falls 4chan, followed by the last bastion, The Internet Chronicle.”
“Maybe the Internet could start by banning genocides from the internet. You know how many people you need to hire to ban a genocide from the internet? It’s roughly the same as it takes to shill up an activist farm and convince everyone that not banning genocide is totally cool behavior. Because they’re Nonfacebook.” ~ Dr. Troubador
The future is bright for Nonfacebookers thanks to the EFF and George Orwell’s 1984, Clockwork Orange where they fuckin’ force you to watch that bullshit, and also shout out to Fury Road, just cause that movie rocked ass.
[pullquote]Just sit back and take it – the EFF[/pullquote]
Declare yourself different from facebook today for a low low price that’s changing every hour thanks to the roulette-like madness of crypto markets that underpin the entire future of economics, politics, and ultimately humankind itself. This bullshit we’re forcing on you is totally natural.
If you thought Twitter was a shithole before, now Elon Musk owns it.
San Francisco—In the immediate hours following the purchase, Musk fired top executives and pledged a goal of defeating spambots, which occasionally offer drugs to users discussing LSD, amphetamines, or ketamine.
Pursuant to the original agreement, Musk was legally forced to go through with the purchase after trying to back out of the deal.
Elon Musk tweets “the bird is freed.” These replies float to the top.
He has since invited Kanye West back to the platform, where Musk knows he will continue ruining his life as a form of entertainment.
Political Twitter is undulating in orgasmic ecstasy as the platform succumbs to the power of capital itself. The nerdiest, dirtiest, flirtiest, spaceship wreckinest, never-uses-a-condom, species-propagatenest, lib-triggering, regulation-hatin, rootin tootin Apartheid Clyde to ever smoke a joint with Joe Rogan, just exchanged 44 billion of his worthless American dollars for powercoin, a doge alternative, fired everybody, and now he, alone, controls Twitter. He was already their hero. Now, Musk is something more to them.
Sad, pathetic freaks are the charged particles in the air that gets breathed in, and huffed out of the machines of absurd, catastrophic tyranny. They’re blowing in the wind, breathed out as Musk.
Folks from Shitpost Twitter responded to the news with pledges never to change. Others use the event as posting fodder. Many carry on as usual, because politics is not their identity, and they’re not about to start bringing everybody down with their fucking opinions.
But some users are the Twitter equivalent to naked mole rats, worming their way through dense timelines of funny tweets, non sequitur, and inside jokes infinitely folding into themselves. Being so deep in the shit, perhaps they are the most sensitive users of all, to these seismic changes.
What extrudes from the machine is worth examining.
The shitposting mole rat looks up from his scratchings for just long enough to acknowledge, in his own way, the global news event as it pertains to himself. Then, he returns, as unceremoniously, to his main work.
While “free speech” is spreading, hateful rhetoric is being emboldened, and “gas this shit” begins to take on new meanings.
Meanwhile, people from shitpost Twitter are routinely banned for typing playful threats, ‘kys’ and, @Lyft your head up high and blow your brains out.
While they might be allowed to stick around from here on out, and grow their numbers, so too does a looming darkness.
