Category: News

LONDON — Fans mourn the loss of Julian Assange, who was found dead in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London after suffering a burst bladder.  Assange was known for “accidentally” publishing trillions of documents containing scandalous details of United States imperialist foreign policy without redaction. Authorities in London say he refused medical aid because he feared a “double-whammy execution extradition” to Sweden and then America, where he would face lethal injection for aiding and abetting terrorism.

Barack Obama held a press conference declaring victory over WikiLeaks and issued a stern warning to Ecuador. “Countries which harbor terrorists like Julian Assange are fair game for American drone strikes. Haven’t you read WikiLeaks lately?”

The last ragged remnants of Anonymous have banded together using the freedom software tool “Low Orbit Ion Cannon” to knock off the NSA supercomputer by overwhelming it with traffic. The NSA system feeds into a nuke-proof trillion terabyte hard drive underneath a mountain in the desert which will be able to store the entire traffic of the internet for the next hundred years.

[pullquote]”The children’s life expectancy could be a thousand years, if everything works out as planned.”[/pullquote]It has long been well known that the world’s richest businessmen and most influential political leaders meet at the annual Bilderberg conference in an attempt to combat Russian and Chinese political and economic power through secret cooperation and market manipulation. However, there was a new bullet-point on the agenda this year, at least according to one anonymous mole. Bilderberg members gathered for a conversation with genetic engineers and bio-chip manufacturers who made big promises about multi-million dollar “enhancements” that may become available — in strict confidence — to family members of the Bilderberg’s constituents.

The source also went on to say that each of these babies, dubbed Homo Promethei, cost roughly one billion dollars, and that the scientists were ready to expand the program to include as many new children or clones as the Bilderberg members desired. According to our source, Bill Clinton quipped to George Bush Sr., “Finally, we have the weapon that will bring us a limitless global dominion.”

“We met with a few scientists who had been experimenting on altered human clones for the past three decades, in secret. They’d found that with a few tweaks they could produce children with different inflections of genius. One kid was a brilliant artist, another was doing calculus at the age of two, and another had talents that were hard to describe — she exercised a hypnotic kind of charisma over everyone she came in contact with. These genetically-altered geniuses also had their retinas implanted with organic LED screens, and the children coded software for these systems as if it were a part of their body. One of the scientists explained that implanting transparent organic LED screens into eyeballs doesn’t work unless you can throw a few switches in the genome and do the surgery immediately after birth. He also said they’d thrown a few other switches and that the children’s life expectancy could be a thousand years, if everything works out as planned.” ~ Anonymous

The Zune Reset Management Tool has been wiped from Microsoft Servers because hackers used it to subvert Digital Rights Management (DRM) built into its devices. DRM is known by libertarian software activists as “defective by design” because Zune software removes tracks without alerting the user.

This Reset Tool was the last recourse for struggling people who owned files which had not been purchased and certified by Microsoft and their menacing Copyright overlords paying them off to code this living hell.

Now forced up against a wall and facing a prison-house of incomplete audio lectures and novels, Zune owners gnash their teeth and beat their breasts as they are denied their own files with purposefully defective software lorded over the great media serfdoms. It didn’t used to be this way, kids. Back in my day, even Microsoft made media players and not media empires. Well, them days are long gone, but some folks out there still make media players that actually work, and if’n they cain’t get their tracks to play in order at least they’re all still there and not stolen from ye by hidden software hegemons acting like computer glitches to drive you into a rage which is the penalty for your non-compliance with their evil and insane wish for total power over your every scrap of media.

Lebal Drocer’s new Media player from Your Anonymous Industries features a small color OLED display and easily-locked buttons that don’t go off with the slightest feather-like touch — and if they do it features a NEW undo button! It’ll play any goddamn file because to hell with paying off the dicks who want royalties for file conventions. We’re an open source tool for educational use only!