Internet ChronicleShit happens.
INTERNET — News broke Friday that the government had wiretapped and extensively spied on the Associated Press for reporting on terrorist activities. This was quickly followed by a now-deleted tweet in support of the shadowy collective of hackers known as Anonymous.
A spokesperson for the AP refused to comment, leading some to speculate the tweet was the result of hackers from Anonymous. Others believe this was possibly a false flag attack from the CIA aimed at discrediting the AP.
INTERNET — Google insiders have leaked that the fundamental Algorithm, which guides all of their services, is going to be completely replaced with a new, hyper-efficient version called New Google. No longer will users be burdened with typing the first letter of their search terms, New Google will extrapolate searches based on past patterns.
New Google, as it has been dubbed, was so powerful some beta users suffered seizures after being instantly satiated and then flooded with a stream of information which was “far too rich and rapid,” according to New Google engineer Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “But we toned down the information depth, cut back the pace. It’s much safer now.”
One beta tester reportedly fell into a celebrity death-hoax loop which ended in New Google feeding the subject a stream of nothing but articles from the Internet Chronicle. He left the computer shaking uncontrollably, but these adverse psychological symptoms were treated successfully with valium. The algorithm has since been altered, but Dr. Troubador warned that New Google should only be used with great care. “The tools of the gods are now in the hands of mere apes, or perhaps more accurately the apes have found new gods which are more powerful than ever before.”
PHOENIX — Jodi Arias was found dead on Friday in her prison cell as she awaited sentencing, amid reports of a strict suicide watch. The murderess, who slit the throat of her boyfriend, shot him in the head, and then stabbed him repeatedly, was found guilty of first-degree murder Wednesday after testifying that the killing had been done in self-defense.
Despite the watch, investigators believe she quietly hung herself using hair-extensions smuggled into prison. Her death and subsequent escape from justice has triggered outrage among family members of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander. “We wanted her dead, but we’ve been robbed of the pleasure of watching a lethal injection on closed-circuit television,” said a relative of Alexander’s who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s an affront to justice, and now my family will never be satisfied.”