LUTHERVILLE, MD — Faith leaders across America are reporting a sudden shortage in exorcists and other niche faith services due to hyperinflation, causing a catastrophic rise in demonic possessions and school shootings.
This report comes on the heels of the shooting in Uvalde, in which the shooter’s grandmother was targeted by a demon in possession of her grandson. The grandmother, originally from the Gustavo A. Madero in Mexico City, is a prolific exorcist utilizing traditional catholic methods transferred to her in a vision from the Lady of Guadalupe at her shrine in Tepeyac. Others in the faith community believe the demon feared the grandmother for her lifetime of exorcism. After sustaining injuries from the demon, she may never be able to exorcise again.
Reverend Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Demons are infiltrating society through porn, masturbation, video games, but worst of all, politics. Churches across America are becoming dangerously politicized, giving entrance to demons and turning Jesus off to the sermons.”
Troubador added, “Obviously the demons are targeting younger and younger children, trying to bring children of a sinful society to hell before they ever have a chance to repent. Even worse, the demons are grooming disaffected young men to do their bidding through mass marketed satanist ritual. It’s been reported that the Uvalde shooter’s browser history was littered with Miley Cyrus twerking performances.”
The shooter’s mother said, “He was a perfect angel until the demon took control. The demon came in at him through the internet, through social media, through Miley.”
The pall of death has been cast over Lutherville, Maryland, where local officials recently banned prayer from schools.
Mayor Gunther Setback feels the town’s new anti-faith measures will lead to perdition, “The idea that this could happen here is unthinkable. But I can tell you just how it will go down. Because not enough praying or thinking is happening, now God is planning a mass shooting at any targets that are not fortified by faith — another school most likely, where prayer is not allowed.”
Thursday classes are cancelled and families are considering keeping their kids home Friday, after the mayor’s statements frightened Christians and angered local Atheists. Many children have chosen to stay home and pray in defiance of their parents and the school board’s wishes, some even going so far as to organize open carry anti-demon walkouts.
“I’m doing my part. Dad bought me a gun and sissy a gun.” says Billy Mashoter, age nine. Mashoter festooned his gun with stickers, symbols of faith, and inspirational messages hand-written in white paint. “Guns are the only answer to the demon problem now that there’s no more priests left in our state. I put these symbols on my gun so it can only be used to slay demons.”
Young Mashoter rifles through his Huggy Wuggy backpack, showing reporters a collection of highly specialized ammunition while YouTube videos play through an algorithm of bizarre and disturbing content. Anthropomorphic guns are coming to life and singing cheery tunes about manifestos, promising life-for-a-life retribution at each abortion in America. A claymation Sodom and Gomorrah scene plays out, guns singing in staccato bursts,
“We root and we toot
we aim and we maim
You scream and scoot
and we shoot the lame
The devil himself holding the gun
while god pulls the trigger
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings.
Repent now! Set up recurring payments to the NRA and watch god really start smiling.
Pick up a gun!
Pick up a gun,
Put satan on the run.”
At the dilapidated police station which somehow accounts for nearly 80% of the county’s tax expenditure, Derek Shelton, Sheriff of Lutherville, insults Internet Chronicle journalists before a single question has been asked. “Suck my fucking pistol, motherfucker. Blue lives matter” his cadence rises and falls with the owl-like twisting of his demon-infested head. “You want to know my goddamn plan for the impending demonic assault on our elementary school? We’re going to let it happen. We’ll secure the hallway and wait for the real cops to show up, the immigration enforcers and until then, we’ll keep the citizens in order. Then when the kids are all lying on the floor bleeding, maybe we’ll mace the god damn paramedics, too.”
Shelton noticed a little green alien in his peripheral vision, interrupting his sermon.
“Who the hell is he?” Shelton asked. No one else saw the alien.
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