Category: News

President Obama announced Sunday that he will be participating in #OccupyWallStreet, a loosely-defined protest movement rallying against corporate greed. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to the press, “The president has become frustrated with his puppet masters in big business. He will be joining #OccupyWallStreet to display solidarity with others who are losing the struggle against corporate power.”

Mainstream corporate media has been slow in reporting this startling announcement from the White House, leading protest supporters to sling accusations of an orchestrated media blackout. Expert media analyst Angstrom H. Troubadour explained the situation in clearer terms, “There’s no media blackout. It’s just that no one really cares about Obama anymore. Hope has died and change is just a thing starving college graduates beg for on the streets, in hopes that they can make their next student loan payment.”

Protesters were less than optimistic about Obama’s announcement, expressing the sentiment that the president did not really intend to defy his overlords. Protester Anna Gomez explained, “It’s like, almost a thousand of us got arrested and now he wants to join? Couldn’t be more obvious he’s just doing it for the votes.”

Want to find the internet’s most engorged and cancerous tumor? Look no further than /b/, a virtual city of basement dwelling neckbeards who post images of my little ponies and child porn.

Constantly seeking out newfags, /b/ has all sorts of gay inside jokes. Posting a picture of milhouse from the Simpsons or messing up a shitty little piece of triforce ascii art is the height of humor on /b/. Any inside joke to ostracize newfags gives the oldfags raging boners.

When the oldfag circlejerks really get raging, the forum shifts into transexual mode – signalling a collective orgasm. Truly, the oldfags are the purest of closetfags, too emotionally suppressed to ejaculate to anything but images of male genitalia on female bodies.

Oh, another thread about how superman would beat Goku? Oh, I get it – superman supporters are trolling. Another thread about ponies, boxxy, or milhouse? Trolling. When you see it you will shit brix? LOL newfag, there’s nothing there and you just got trolled.

Except it’s not trolling. Everyone knows what’s going on and all the true newfags instantly figure out all the transparent inside jokes. The “newfags” who fall for these jokes are just getting off on trolling oldfags. /b/ can’t stop suckling on its own flaccid cock.

#Occupywallstreet, the ongoing outdoor pizza party in Zucotti Park, has finally received the attention of the world. Over the weekend, 80 protesters were arrested for crimes against capitalism. Many videos, shot in the “Blair Witch” style, are circulating the internet as proof of alleged police brutality. These shaky images and hysterical screams are interspersed with vitriolic political hate speech directed at the council of corporate banking greedsters who are pulling all the strings of world power from smoke filled rooms.

The group of young Marxists showed up to Wall Street just over a week ago, finding the entire street barricaded. Naturally, the protesters took a walk to the nearest park, set up camp, and began begging for pizza from the internet. Because the internet loves Marxism and handouts, the flow of free pizza has been continuous – at times overwhelming. Yet ever so over-priveleged, the activists have grown tired with just pizza, asking the internet for free cameras and extra batteries – even going so far as demanding vegan pizza. While the Marxists do not have a unified set of principles and demands, they do have an insatiable taste for free toys and pizza.

The internet’s supporting role has been extremely embarrassing for the activists. Repeated claims of media blackouts and other censorship are laughably false, but these are the kind of ideas that are repeated ad nauseum to assure everyone that the protesters are indeed being oppressed. Remarkably, Anonymous has not hacked into any police officer’s personal e-mail accounts yet. Zucotti Park is far from America’s Tahrir Square, but I really wish I was there for the free pizza and excitement.