Category: News

Shit happens.

Categories
Local

people are freaking out

white-guy-scared-of-bitchstorm
Chad Lemieux fears the possibility of being unable to charge his phone.

people in the Area are freaking out. their hearts in the right place but their noggins idnt.

im scared

     –area ]pumpkin

this has been chronicle.su breaking news update. hunting people for sport is how we make money. internet chronicle windows 10

calm down, punkin

Categories
News Obituaries

“Liver King” Brian Johnson dead at 43

Johnson was found dead of cardiac failure in his Denver apartment Sunday evening.
DENVER — Fans mourn the loss of Brian Johnson, the social media fitness superstar better known as The Liver King. Johnson was found dead of cardiac failure in his Denver apartment Sunday evening. Best known for promoting a raw animal organ diet, Johnson secretly consumed thousands of dollars of testosterone and steroids each day.
He was 43.
Johnson’s assets have been seized by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

An Experiment Gone Haywire

 

CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers told reporters, “How we still lost money on this deal is a testament to the safety of our synthetic super steroids and testosterone. No creature has ever had such high levels of power in all of history.”
The power level was so high, Sakers said, that experts believed they were previously impossible, “From what our analysts could tell, the AI-derived shock patterns in our latest electrostimulation rigs were the only thing keeping him alive, at the end.”
Paramedic Hugh Cygnus was first to arrive at the apartment, “We found him layin’ there still wired up and twitchin,’ but he had no pulse. When I zapped him to kickstart his heart, I saw every fiber of muscle in his body resist, and a flash of light shot out of the tips of his toxic hair. That’s when his heart blew up, and his eyes turned red. I figured he’d went Super Saiyan but in the end he was dead.”
First responders said when they arrived, it was unclear what caused the sudden cardiac explosion. That is, until a second paramedic arriving on the scene discovered Johnson was still connected to live electricity, running from a standard wall outlet, directly into electrodes stuck all over the cadaver’s thin, papery skin. 
The former Liver King was described by Officer Jake Furley as a “grim, blood red human lightbulb, still twitching and clutching his phone. Arcs of electricity were coming off of him, discharging into the carpet along lichtenberg figures.” Furley added, “To be honest, I drew my sidearm because I felt he might suddenly stand up and tear down the whole damn building with his teeth.”
The surviving paramedic was in such a state of shock and disbelief at what he had seen, that he did not realize an electrical current passed through Johnson’s body and into his own, completing a powerful circuit that instantly dysregulated his breathing.
Startled, Officer Furley emptied his pistol into the already-dead Liver King, which he said he regrets, “I didn’t mean to desecrate his body but under the circumstances, I hope the Liver family can understand it was an honest mistake. But you should’ve seen it. My God. After a few minutes the muscles in his entire body flexed all at once, finally caving in his bones. Blood flying everywhere. But what a relief. All those wires going into him, the fucked up artificial intelligence twisting all his muscles around like that? It was a total bad trip, man. Kinda ruined my life to see it all.”
Cygnus said he applied an equally unconventional method to bring his electrocuted colleague’s breathing back into check.
“He nearly damn died,” Cygnus said. “But I gave him an emergency puff of colloidal silver, off the mobile colloidal silver generator and lung delivery system installed in every Preferred Ambulance Service unit.”
Not only is this a pioneering approach to silver ingestion, but it is also the fastest method of delivering the silver content directly into the lungs when targeting the respiratory environment.
Cygnus said when his colleague came to, he was again stricken by Johnson’s unusual appearance, who looked, in life, much older than 43.
“He said, ‘Why’s he red! Why’s he all red!’ I said, ‘Son, he was already that color, when he was alive.’ Boy said, ‘But he looks all burnt up. Hugh, I cooked him.’ He said, ‘I seared him like a steak.’ I said, ‘Son, that man burned bright when he was alive, so that all may see.’ Now look at me, and gaze no more upon him.”

Thin Blue Line — Cutting out the FAT

 

Lt. Barry Dingle said he was “very familiar“ with ancestral living, and the technique of self-administered muscular electrostimulation, because other Houston Police Department officers have since adopted the practice after witnessing Johnson’s success story on YouTube.
“My guys used to be soft, fat, ineffectual slobs who got winded just from gooning their micro,” Dingle said. “Under Johnson’s careful instruction — rest his soul — my boys set down their chicken tenders and Cokes, and picked up a diet of raw animal parts, testosterone replacement injections, and spray-on steroids. Gear. Mr. Cygnus will attest that since this so-called fad diet took off, the results in his emergency room speak for themselves: Due in part to roid-rage, and other parts raw muscle gains, police and deputy wives are now being hospitalized at a rate Houston has not seen since the Oilers competed for the championship in the American Football Leagues of 1960 to ’61.”
Although Johnson leaves behind a legacy of fitness awareness, he also leaves a mountain of debt which must be repaid by his surviving family, despite corporate sponsors seizing all contractual assets, including his home, gym, and workout equipment. Analysts say these assertions could play out in the courts for decades to come.
For now, the Savage Liver Boys – Rad, and Stryker – have lost a father, Barbara has lost her husband, and an entire Kingdom has lost its liver.
Categories
News

YouTuber Shad M. Brooks dead at 37

Fans mourn the loss of Shad M. Brooks, fantasy writer and host of the Shadiversity LARPing channel on YouTube.

Brooks died tragically, Saturday evening, during the filming of one of his many off-the-wall medieval weaponry videos. While testing a barbed steel spike mounted to the end of a bullwhip, the weapon struck Brooks’ chest, piercing a gap in his armor and creating a superficial, but terrifying wound. Doctors say the shock at the wound, as well as the inability to remove the barbed tip, caused Brooks to panic, triggering cardiac arrest. Paramedics had difficulty safely removing his armor to apply sufficient aid, and the YouTuber was pronounced dead on arrival to hospital.

“It’s just like Steve Irwin all over again, a tremendous loss striking right at the heart of Australia,” said Gerald Johnson, longtime fan and admin of The Shadiverse, Brooks’ official Discord. “Who else can tell the world what is realistic or not, simply by using reason, logic, and a keen sense of psychology? Only through the use of such fair debate can we arrive at the truth of medieval warfare. There was no one like him and I’m afraid only snobs like the woke Matt Easton will be left on YouTube, relying on flawed Archaeology and History to make their conclusions and cancel the enemies of their ideology.”

Matt Easton of the Scholagladiatoria YouTube channel refused comment on the death of Brooks but said, “It’s very true he judged evidence very much on the same basis as a medieval scholar, and in that sense he was quite true to the period. How intentional any of it all is, I can’t say.”

Brooks’ fortune has been disbursed equally to his twelve surviving male children according to medieval Salic law that forbids his wife or daughters from possessing land.

Shad’s bestseller, Shadow of the Conqueror, was panned by critics for celebrating a “Fantasy Hitler” protagonist with a penchant for raping thirteen year old girls. Fans, however, loved the book for its high levels of realism. Phillip Lichtenstein, moderator at the Shadiverse Discord server defended the book, saying, “That’s what a medieval king does, is it not? Would you rather have some Black king going around asking for consent from his [expletive] eunuchs like some [expletive] Disney movie?” Lichtenstein continued to berate our reporters who were promptly banned from the chat room for “Spreading the woke mind virus,” having expressed no opinions whatsoever.