Zuckerberg announces historic 2020 Presidential bid

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced he will run for the White House in 2020, replacing Sanders on the Democratic ticket. Already, Zuckerberg has been touring America – as quietly as he can – to learn all about what’s important by talking to simple, ignorant fucks like you.

Reality TV just became reality reality

Trump’s faithful following of Internet trolls and Proudbois have already taken to /pol/ registering their disdain for the presidential hopeful they’re calling “a Harvard-educated Silicon Valley fuccboi.” Zuckerberg is also the world’s first politician to rival Donald Trump’s social media presence.

Cuckerberg’s about to learn we do politics a liiiiittle bit differently here in America than maybe he’s used to with them hippies in California. RSVP to my Facebook event and we’ll show Cuckerberg what America’s really made of! – Internet Hate Person

Debbie Wasserman Schultz colluded with a Russian Facebook Troll Farm to hook up Zuckerberg with a nomination, along with this totally sickass new Trans Am.

“Establishment Republicans are conflicted over Trump, Megun Kelly said in a Friday interview. “On one hand, they really liked his Muslim ban, but on the other hand, they hate anyone who buries his face in cocaine and pussy. These are good old boys we’re talking about. Zuckerberg wears a dopey, clean face over some dirty enterprise.”

THE JIG IS UP

PRESIDENT ZUCKERBERG HAS OUR DATA: YOU AGREED TO THIS! NOW YOU CAN PAY FOR DONUTS AND COFFEE WITH CHIPS IN YOUR NIPPLES.

Internet Chronicle has long been compromised by the insidious, paranoiac, tentacle-eye of Zuckerberg’s specialized and pervasive Facebook cookies. It was only until now that we felt safe from him, out of reach, outside his sphere of influence. [PUBLISHER’S REMARK: Because we are the martyrs who put ourselves in the middle of this. We will one day puppet Zuckerberg OURSELVES — RTS].

Other sites tried to warn you, but only CHRONICLE.SU covered it up. While certain sites make you click OK to acknowledge the cookie, WE have been feeding you cookies by mixing them in with the TRUTH. [PUBLISHER’S NOTE: Why, at this very moment, we are TURNING INSIDE OUT and our veins and our MUSCLES are melting off our eviscerated bodies, and dripping into scorched earth. Our existence is stripped away in the third consecutive blast of the nuclear holocaust in progress as we write this – RTS].

Zuckerberg will use all our data to blackmail and revenge porn ANYONE who opposes him. The deal is: Vote for Zuckerberg, or enjoy having your search history published at the world’s most popular website, chronicle.su

It’s for your own GOOD, you miserable dogs!

You’ll understand when you’re older. In the meantime…

ALL HAIL ZUCKERBERG

[pullquote]”I have got to get me one of these!” – Dr. Armstrong, quoting Independence Day[/pullquote]Internet Chronicle Sports Medicine Expert, Doctor H.A. Armstrong, said Zuckerberg has an exciting new plan to purge nonsupporters with a proprietary algorithm that makes your EVERY secret known. With one swipe of a smartwatch sewn into his skin, Zuckerberg can identify and target political opponents at will, making him a shoe-in for the 2020 nomination.

NEOLIBERAL TWITTER TROLLS have co-opted the women’s solidarity hashtag #MeToo and twisted it into a grotesque gesture.

https://twitter.com/hatesec/status/922013219719348224

“It was in the terms of service you agreed to in 2004,” Armstrong said. “Marko’s coming up on the ripe old age of 35 and still he ain’t had a chance yet to waller in true power. This is what you wanted.”

Zuckerberg promised to end the healthcare debate once and for all, by prescribing mandatory Xanax to the Demoratic People’s Republic of New Facebook, America’s 51st state and the only state to exist entirely online.

Welcome to the states, Internet boys! Get ya bitcoins, because we are GOING ONLINE TONIGHT. I’m talking Silk Road 3.0 (The fastest Silk Road ever!)

This fine literature is provided to you graciously, and free of charge, by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Owners of all that which matters.

INTERNET — A torrent of hate fell upon reporter David Auerbach as Buzzfeed’s bottom grade journalism reported an obvious fabrication in its bombshell reporting on a leak revealing the interior workings of Breitbart’s propaganda creation process.

The Buzzfeed article showed Milo Yiannopolous recruited neonazis and white nationalists, editing and controlling their expressions to maintain an aura of deniability that is the trademark “Taco Salad” routine in neofascist politik.

Auerbach is a longtime hater of Yiannopolis and one of the most well-spoken and effective enemies of gamergate, but the Buzzfeed report contained a catastrophically defamatory allegation that Auerbach denies, in which he passed a pro-gamergate lead to Milo.

So what the fuck actually is going on? The Buzzfeed story may be written by the typical on-brand gullible imbeciles, but its narrative does show something true in the decline of Milo’s career. He  is a man who has become more alienated from Bannon, is dying to get back to Breitbart, failed to organize a free speech event and even failed the easy task of playing victim and framing it as a censorship. What better motive to leak his own dirty laundry, and oh, why not slip in a little mischief for Auerbach on the side?

In leaking his own email correspondences and drawing eyeballs, building up his character as a deceptive and crafty propagandist, Milo is both appealing to and emulating Steve Bannon, who famously contacted Robert Kuttner to leak secrets from within the White House after he was fired in the wake of the Charlottesville massacre, presumably responsible for the “both sides” scandal.

Will Milo get his job back? Is he satisfied with the irony of instrumentalizing anti-gamergate Buzzfeed for revenge, or will he continue to disrobe himself in order to extend his flagging career? Tune in next week as Steve Bannon’s meth house revs up production and Laurie Penny stops by just for the fun.