Category: News

Today legislators moved forward with articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump, citing obstruction of justice in his firing of James Comey. This makes Donald Trump the only president to be impeached after Bill Clinton.

Many supporters on Facebook have been posting photos of the skies, with some feeling swindled by the persistence of the weather modifying programs known as Chemtrails. Others are growing angry that Trump has not been able to destroy ISIS yet, or repeal Obamacare. Now a group of psychiatrists are warning the world that the daily media firestorms and the “suppressive-repressive style” of their reporting has caused severe psychotic breaks among tens of thousands of people watching Fox News. The frightening dissociation incidents are known by psychiatrists as Fox Syndrome, because most affected people are found drooling and twitching by loved ones with Fox News on in the corner of the room.

In an exclusive interview attained by chance on a three hour ferry to Prince Edward Island Resort and Casino, retired sexual harasser at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, met with Internet Chronicle Reporters to share world-shattering political revelations about what’s going on at Fox as well as Donald Trump’s removal from power, which he assured would come sooner rather than later.

O’Reilly spoke in a conversational voice only slightly less bombastic than his on-air persona, “Nixon did nothing wrong, and Donald Trump has done even less. They’ll get Trump one way or another. I’m retired so I can say this now. I think his goose is cooked. The media’s just too powerful. And the deep state, too. Trust me, I am glad to be out of things. So glad.”

O’Reilly sighed in long-deserved relief, but continued in agitation, “Fox has lost its God Damn mind. Fuck it feels great to swear! And Hannity. You know he hates it when I swear. Every day I’m watching him with a bit of a smirk because he’s torching his own career with almost every word. But a lot of people are. The truth is that these ‘fake news’ guys are winning because the Republicans can’t act decisively. Trump can’t do anything but betray everyone, and it was only a matter of time before they found out. We promised everyone ponies and now it’s one big death panel, one big firing panel like The Apprentice.”

“A lot of people have the idea that the Democrats are just mentally ill, stupid, and you wanna know what? That’s marketing. We’re making Republicans feel smart so we can swindle them. It’s a big racket, like a TV church. That’s the Trump presidency. He’ll be healing people with his touch before the rich boys in control of the government shell out another cent of healthcare. And we pushed it way too far, obviously. It’s making people sick, it’s making them stupid. What we did was wretched and you wouldn’t believe the scientific precision we put into manipulating people. Now they’re going to die.”

INTERNET — The recent toy craze sweeping the nation, Fidget Spinners, are making waves across the nation as children and adults happily spin away. However, there’s big trouble in Roanoke’s Fidget Spinner Scene. After a wave of fidget gang stabbing incidents, local schools banned fidget spinners altogether.

Scowling at the mere mention of a fidget spinner, Joseph S. Nemelka of Roanoke, Virginia, told reporters, “I hate ’em. Just so dumb,” as he flipped his butterfly knife out for the cameras, brandishing it threateningly at one reporter.

“Now here’s a real toy. Or how about a yoyo? I ain’t gonna cut someone with a yoyo. Takes a little bit of skill. But if I see one more fidget spinner –” Mr. Nemelka broke off his speech as he recoiled in abject disgust, accidentally slicing his hand as he clenched what turned out to be an illegal double edged bali-song.

Wielding his fidgey — as the youth have taken to calling their new toys — Gem L. Fetch of Roanoke smiled and winked for cameras. Rolling the toy around his hand in an incomprehensible sleight of hand that took no effort, Fetch conducted his interview like a perfect gentleman. When asked about the crazed butterfly knife gangs stabbing his friends, Fetch said he wasn’t afraid. “They’re always so worked up about nothin’ and cuttin’ themself up like that. They only get us on accident. If you ask me they’re just fidgey heads.”

Joseph S. Nemelka was arrested on the scene for disturbing the peace, possession of a restricted weapon, and attempted assault. Nemelka’s lawyer Hyrum L. Robertson was reached for comment and e-mailed reporters at the Internet Chronicle a single line, “The Fake News Media will pay for its lies, one day!”

Rosie’s rivets held together as Amelia Earhart jammed the controls forward, tipping her Electra into an evasive dive as the Japanese Zero ripped through a hole in spacetime, firing its 20mm cannon projectile which tumbled on the edge of the cockpit and evaporated Fred Noonan.

The wreckage of the Electra would be combed over by Japanese engineers who faithfully reproduced its light economy in designing the devestating Zero fighter. A little-known and barely published scientist, the late Dr. Yoshiko Irakawa, had at the turn of the century designed a powerful spacetime zipper through which future technologies would be repeatedly stolen over the course of seven centuries, enabling the global dominion of future Japanese people over the entire planet.

“That’s smart,” said Barron Trump Jr., Energy Czar of the Japanese Mineral Concern of North America. “Grab Amelia by the Pussy! …And to the Fake Vandals, painting images of Rosie the Riveter…” The music on the 1984 machine controlled your mind, “You’re Fired!”

All the women in North America, even Ivanka and Melania Junior, were then sent to a horrible concentration camp and forced to wear the full Islamic veil, just as the Liberals always wanted. Then they were repeatedly inseminated and forced to abort in an attempt to harvest the rape hormones for sale as a masturbation aid for the remaining men. Shower chemicals melted away everything but the sex organs, which were then marketed on Babymaker, an app hailed as the Uber of Men Goin’ Their Own Way, ushering in a world composed of a single gender — yet totally nohomo.

Barron Trump Junior fell in the ground in paroxysms, triggered, as hackers forced his computer to display Kathy Griffin holding the beheaded Trump I, patriarch and maker of the Dank New World. How did she murder Daddy? The Irakawa Zipped open and Kathy Griffin sliced off Barron Trump Jr.’s head and poured gasoline all over the oval office. Before the time zipper closed, Kathy Griffin kissed her bicep and winked for an audience that wasn’t there.