ROANOKE, Va. — In a piece rejected by VICE, The Internet Chronicle staked out a nearby voter registration office and harangued new voters with invasive personal questions. In their unlikely, but convenient responses, these new voters expressed an uncommon sense of belief in the system, and some stood in awe of the broad, diverse spectrum of choices ranging from rich white man, to rich white woman – and everything in between!

Maria Pleskin, student

“Which celebrity criminal do I vote for?” said Maria Pleskin, who just turned 18 and is voting for her very first time. Pleskin, who for some reason has a very stupid name, is a community college student at Virginia Western Community College in Roanoke, Virginia. “I’ll tell you this: I’m telling you, I admire Trump’s speeches but I’m in love with Hillary’s corporatism.” Pleskin was noticeably off-the-cuff and casual about the presidential election, while maintaining an almost painful awareness of the stakes.

Gary Marvin, political science professor and first-time voter

“I am afraid Trump would celebrate war crimes with brash bravado, whereas Hillary would handle civilian murder with quiet class, a serious face, and stern dignity,” said Gary Marvin, a political science professor at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. “I never used to participate in this sham of an electoral system, but when it comes to extralegal murder of US citizens, hashtag-I’m-with-her!”

Steven Harris, barista

“No shit all the third party candidates are crazy,” Steven says. He plays Counterstrike with a Steam group of ironic Communists. “You have to be crazy to run for president, but at least they’re crazy and ostracized. I took an online personality test, and it said I most identify with crazy, alienated people, which is why I’m voting third party.”

Hunter Bellard, glassblower

I’ve always admired Larry David’s work. I loved Seinfeld, and Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of the funniest comedies ever written. So obviously, I am sticking to my guns, and voting Bernie Sanders.

“Sanders is cool,” Bellard said. “I saw him on Twitter one time and I said ‘what’s up.’ But he’s busy, so he didn’t respond.”

Samantha Moyer

I entertain no hope of ever owning land, people or property. I’m voting for Jill Stein.

Melissa Summers, 5th grade teacher

[pullquote]”I remember learning in Civics class about the differences between the two parties. It is a balanced and inclusive system.”

-Melissa Summers[/pullquote]

Melissa Summers, a 35-year-old school teacher from Arkansas, said she’s voting for Clinton out of a shared belief in the essential beauty of two-party oligarchies.

“Look, if the United States was an oligarch, power would rest only in the hands of a small group of wealthy military corporatists,” Summers said. “You know, our system might not be perfect, but it works. Progress takes time.”

Dirty Johnny

Finally, our story turns to Dirty Johnny, an eighth grader at Hidden Valley Middle School in Roanoke. Even though he is too young to vote, Johnny is taking advantage of lax Virginia voter ID laws and voting for Trump in November, because he says Trump will stop the voices in his head.

“Trump understands me,” Johnny explained. “He loves me. That is what he tells me every night, from the air vent underneath my bed.”

VOTE YOU FILTHY ANIMALS. VOTE LIKE YOU’RE TOLD TO

 

At the time of publication, Vice did not respond to inquiries relating to this story.