Categories
Entertainment Special Interest

Tupac’s Hologram set for world tour in 2013

The hologram of a hero

Miss out on Tupac’s Hologram at Coachella? You’re not alone. However, concert promoters have already begun planning a world tour, so Tupac’s hologram might be coming to a town near you as soon as the spring of 2013. Not only that, but multiple Tupac Holograms will be touring different regions of the world at the same time. At least four hologram machines have been purchased, and hip-hop computer scientists are working day and night to produce an updated show featuring the visage of Tupac.

Freed of the vacillating and costly demands of egotistical superstars, the economic benefits of a hologram show are very clear. Concert promoters stand to make many billions shipping around hologram machines which are actually much less expensive than the superstars themselves. This has even peaked the interest of living musicians, who find the grueling task of nightly public appearances wearisome and taxing on their creativity. Some conspiracist groupies have even suggested that Jack White of the White Stripes has in fact already used a hologram machine for his repetitive and machine-like shows.

Critics believe that most fans will be put off by the artificial and repetitive shows,  but experts point out that this is exactly what fans want. Like television, hologram shows will be comfortably predictable, featuring a string of reanimated heroes who have achieved a larger status in death. HoloEntertainment Executive Simon Ersatz said, “We’ve already purchased the rights to Elvis, Kurt Cobain, Biggie, Johnny Cash, Hendrix, and young Bob Dylan. Tupac is just the beginning.”

Categories
Obituaries Trolling

Internet Chronicle writer “Kilgoar” Trout dead at 27

Fans mourn the loss of Trout.

WASHINGTON – Monday, “Kilgoar” Trout, founder of the beloved Internet Chronicle, died from a simultaneous drug overdose and car wreck while on his way to a “business meeting.” Police forensics experts seemed befuddled reporting, “We’ve never had a case of death by the combination of overdose and car accident, but this is what appears to have happened.” Trout was not driving the vehicle at the time of the wreck, but the driver, who escaped unscathed, was tested by police at the scene and was reportedly extremely drunk. Obsessive teary-eyed fanboy Geo Hotz said, “This is just like Princess Diana. We will have no justice.”

Long-time friend of Trout, Niall Coffey, said, “Kilgoar fell prey to his own lavish lifestyle and instantaneous Internet success. We knew it was bad when he did a cameo on EpicMealTime, but we didn’t know it was this bad. He will be deeply missed.” Critics of The Internet Chronicle say the site descended from a darkly funny and intelligent source for satire into an endless stream of transparent death hoaxes, which were nonetheless highly successful in bringing in massive streams of advertising revenue.

Known for obsessively attacking the hacktivist collective Anonymous, perhaps Trout’s most famous and controversial work was the Anti-Leader’s Handbook, a longwinded 8,000-word self-centered exegesis full of  red-faced rants and recycled postmodern tropes on the paradoxical nature of Anarchist Collectives and archetypal anti-heroes. It also featured the now-famous “Stratfor hack is not Anonymous” hoax, which rightly accused Sabu of working with the FBI months before the public became aware. The self-styled “King of Trolls,” Trout viciously taunted every sect of humanity in the name of non-violence and tolerance.

The Internet Chronicle’s remaining assets have been transferred to Tyler Bass, who plans to sell the business to News Corporation for 11.2 million USD. Mr. Trout’s personal fortune, upwards of $5.6 billion, has been set aside to buy laptops for children in the third world. These laptops come with an operating system designed personally by Trout to block all viral content and only show information produced or curated by verified experts.

Categories
Entertainment Hate Special Interest

Rick Astley battles accusations of child molestation

Rick Astley
The pop singer of internet stardom has been accused of molesting children.

Astley to give it up?

INTERNET – Rick Astley battles fresh accusations of child molestation, which surfaced Monday on YouTube.

Accusers arrived in full force, leaving graphic remarks surrounding the wretched details of his case.

News broke around 2 a.m. EST after events came to light. Stay tuned, and refresh: we will update this story as details come to light.