Westboro Baptist Reverses Anti-Gay Stance

WESTBORO — Fred Phelps, pastor and founder of the Westboro Baptist Church known for anti-gay protests announced he’d be giving up homophobia Sunday evening. In a press conference held in Westboro’s sanctuary, Phelps, clad in his iconic cowboy hat, told reporters, “I was struck by a blinding light, and I cowered like a sinful, godless sodomite. But God struck me down in His might, and I covered my face in ashes.”

Pastor Phelps recounted a new vision for the church which was revealed in this instant by God, “America is no longer doomed. Westboro will storm every soldier’s funeral with rainbow signs of heaven’s love. His bright crown adorning, They shall shine in their beauty. Westboro hath saved each and every American despite their reckless sin, and Westboro will be waiting at Saint Peter’s gates for each and every soldier, cheering until the last man comes home.”

Lesbian Gay Transgender and Bisexual activists in the crowd wept openly in joy at this announcement. One remarked, “It’s as if I can feel good about being an American and a Christian again, as long as we don’t have another church like this one.”