FOOTBALL — Sunday morning, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ruled that the New England Patriots would be forced to forfeit the Super Bowl after announcing that the intentional deflation of footballs nullified their AFC championship victory. Goodell told stunned reporters, “There will be no Super Bowl this year and no glory for the cheaters. This is a historic decision, but integrity and fairness in football is of the utmost importance. The Seahawks are NFL champions, and we will have a small ceremony and present the trophy to them this evening.”
The hundreds of millions of fans who gather for Super Bowl junk food parties instead gathered in the streets and overturned cars in Boston and in Phoenix, but were quickly suppressed by riot police. Riot officer Jeb Laramie said, “We’ve had a lot of practice suppressing riots lately, but these jocks are not your usual protesters. They’re big and mad and pushy, as well as violent. But, because they generally accept the rule of law and are just as mad as we are about all this, we didn’t fire rubber bullets or tear gas them. It just wasn’t necessary.” At least fifty cars were overturned and set on fire.