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Paula Deen retracts N-word apology

ATLANTA — Paula Deen gestured rudely at cameras and barked at officials for the entire duration of an in-your-face professional wrestling weigh in, Monday morning. Deen is facing sanction from the WWE after securing an illegal chokehold on black celebrity chef Sunny Anderson in a confrontation at the event.

A loud crack was heard as Paula Deen snapped a bullwhip in the air and smiled for cameras at the weigh-in.

Sunny Anderson crossed her arms and refused to comment on Deen’s insensitive display, silently judging.

“Oh are you offended honey? Why don’t you call me a cracker?” Paula Deen laughed like a hyena and smiled like a lizard, “I just saw the new Indiana Jones, and this whip has nothing to do with you and your race baiting gimmicks.”

Sunny Anderson only shook her head in vast disapproval, stepping up onto the scales.

“You know what, I’m not sorry for what I’ve done, the words that I like to say.” Paula Deen bobbed her head back and forth aggressively, getting up in Anderson’s face. “And you know what else? We’re coming back for ya.”

“As if we didn’t know already, you racist bitch,” Anderson erupted, raising a folding chair above her head and rushing Paula Deen.

WWE handlers tore the two Food Network stars apart while Bobby Flay officiated, breaking kayfabe with hamhanded analysis. “Wow, you heard it folks. This is going to be a barn burner of a show, with Paula Deen as the obvious heel. Her racially charged comments will surely come back to haunt her. And wow, isn’t Sunny Anderson righteously pissed off. Back to you Alton.”

Alton Brown pressed a camcorder into Paula Deen’s face, needling her like Fukui-san from Iron Chef Japan, “So Paula, have you hosted any plantation-style slave-themed events lately?”

Paula Deen struggled to loosen herself from officials, “I’ma put her in her place!”

Breaking free, Paula Deen moved with unbelievable speed behind Anderson, clenching a tight chokehold around her throat. Both chef’s eyes bulged as their muscles strained in contest.

Guy Fieri nailed Paula Deen with an empty trashcan, breaking the pair apart and stepping into the foreground, sweating and shouting into the Food Network microphone, “Tune in Friday Night at 9pm to see Paula Deen get her ass whooped, folks! Maybe she’ll even drop a hard R, a real N-Bomb, live on air! What a show folks, don’t miss it.”

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