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INTERNET — President Trump was “too sick” for his usual 36 holes of golf at Mar-A-Lago this weekend, and after testing positive for Coronavirus Sunday evening, the president was quickly put into quarantine.

This follows boisterous statements by President Trump that Coronavirus was a “fake news hoax” created by the media to destroy his presidency. Now that he’s reportedly suffering from acute pneumonia, White House physician Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says they’re doing all they can to save the president’s life, “Mike Pence has already taken over the president’s daily duties, and we’re hoping for a quick and speedy recovery. I’ve sucked about a gallon of fluid out of his lungs already, using a special new technique I invented just for Coronavirus. It’s kind of like siphoning gasoline. He’ll be fine.”

Meanwhile, Trump supporters are panicking, seeking for any angle to spin the Coronavirus outbreak into a win for the Republican party.

“Trump ain’t sick. He’s just playing 5d chess,” said Hyrum Pleasant, of Hemp Patch Mountain, Virginia. “Maybe, just maybe this is a biochemical weapon sprayed on us by Chinese chemtrailists and if that’s the case Pence’ll nuke them back to the stone age.” Unsatisfied still with his own attempts at spin, Mr. Pleasant violently turned on the Internet Chronicle reporter, brandishing a pitted confederate sword ripped from its display on his mantle. “It’s you, you created this disease just so you could come out here and interview me, so you could kill off my president.”

Rumors that gay men are immune to Coronavirus are circulating on Facebook, but the CDC has warned that no one is safe. “The idea that COVID-19 targets only straight white males, or that Jewish people or LGBTQ people are immune has no basis in reality whatsoever.”

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4 Comments

  1. The End is Near fgts! Except for the fishfag, who can hide out in the hollars & the mountains & drink from the streams. Hatesec YA gonna die if you stay in the big bad city ‘cause of your bad lung. Run hatesec, run!!! Run before it’s too late. Before the bad orange man declares marshal law thru out the land, as this plague descends the lands and darkness and chaos prevail. Or like we run out of toilet paper & work and eventually the zombie apocalypse happens. So after that Ill be holdin out at the nearest Costco that has a fully stocked pharmacy, and lumber supplies. Bye Falicias
    ps- we need more hate radio for the end of the world, js

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