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Technology

Finally some good news: “This PC can’t run Windows 11”

Redmond, Wa.—In a shocking turn of events, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates attempted to push the new Windows 11 update on loyal customers, only to have his plans backfire spectacularly. The update software, which was supposed to be a revolutionary step forward for the company, was instead met with widespread criticism for its condescending and insulting tone toward existing customers.

Bill Gates is pressuring engineers at Microsoft to come up with a Windows 11 update for his icky face.
Bill Gates is pressuring engineers at Microsoft to come up with a Windows 11 update for his icky face.

Despite Gates’ assurances that Windows 11 was a “game changer” and “the future of computing,” users were quick to point out that the update prompt was filled with arrogant and patronizing language. One user said, “I’ve been using Windows for over 20 years, and I’ve never felt so disrespected by a software update.”

Adding to the frustration, many users reported that the update itself was riddled with bugs and glitches, making it nearly impossible to use. One user said, “Another layer of polish on the same old turd. I tried to install the update, but it just kept crashing my computer. I ended up having to roll back to Windows 10.”

“Your computer is such a piece of shit we can’t even tell how much hard drive space it has.” —Microsoft

In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Gates issued a public apology, saying, “I realize now that we may have come across as arrogant and out of touch. We want to assure our customers that we value their feedback and will do everything in our power to make sure that future updates are more respectful and user-friendly.”

However, it seems that the damage has already been done, as many users have pledged to never update to Windows 11, no matter how good it may be.

One imageboard user took to 4chan, saying, “I don’t care if Windows 11 is the best thing since sliced bread – which it isn’t – each iteration sets you one more click back from making your PC do what you want – I’ll never trust Microsoft again after this condescending update. My PC can’t run Windows 11? Great, I guess that means you’ll be leaving me alone, then.”

The incident serves as a cautionary tale for tech companies everywhere, reminding them that even the most cutting-edge technology can be undone by a single arrogant and out-of-touch update prompt.

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Local

MISSING PERSON: New subreddit Gupptracker aids in manhunt

"That's gupped up," he used to say.

INTERNET—A new subreddit dedicated to the disappearance of Gupp from Twitter is one of the fastest-growing pages on the website, with almost 250,000 members in two days.

  • Elon purchased Twitter
  • Twitter feels weird now
  • Gupp left, promising to return once Muskolini is finished “marking his territory”
  • Musk bans journalists, faces punishment from Berlin

Gupp is still missing.

In the wake of Elon Musk banning a Twitter account tracking the location of his jet, along with the journalists who followed the story, a Reddit page dedicated to finding beloved Twitter user Gupp became the fastest-growing subreddit on Saturday, according to the website Gupp Stats. The page, /r/Gupp, has amassed more than a quarter million members in less than 48 hours.

Gupp, who is neither a journalist nor well-known, is respected for his irreverent posts, goofing off, and inspirational world-dominating bro-ups. Until such time as Gupp’s body can be located, fans mourn the loss of one of Twitter’s hottest, young, upcoming stars.

Gupp has been missing for more than one month.

Sissy Nay-Nay, 54, has gone to church with Gupp for six years, and says she misses him dearly.

“We miss our boy,” she said. “Gupp didn’t hurt nobody. Gupp never got involved in no bad stuff. We just want him back.”

Gupptracker works by checking Gupp’s favorite locations online, including Discord, archive.org, and back to Twitter again, like a confused animal.

“We don’t actually know how it works,” said Anonymous. “We outsourced the programming to someone who works for TikTok, and he has us doing fun dances in exchange for information about our missing friend.”

Origins

Gupp was the most prolific renaissance man to ever pass through Twitter.

It is unclear where Gupp came from, but one day he just showed up, saying shit like “That’s gupped up.”

Now he is missing, and presumed dead. But there is still hope, according to reddit moderator PussyCunt711214764.

“Maybe Gupp doesn’t want to be found,” they wrote online. “Maybe the real Gupp is the friends we made along the way.”

Users responded, acting as a decentralized, singular entity.

“Upvoting this for visibility,” one user wrote.

Another chimed in: “9,000 internets to the person who happens upon Gupp’s shallow grave!”

“Sharpening my pitchfork” — Top comment, funny and original.

The one voice missing from this conversation? You guessed it: Gupp.

baby, pls cum home

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Categories
News

Elon Musk in critical condition following swatting incident

Elon Musk was hospitalized Friday afternoon, suffering massive blood loss from over forty gunshot wounds. Doctors say Musk is stable for the time being but in critical condition.

Many citizen watchdogs are pointing the finger at an embittered group of outraged journalists for swatting the billionaire entrepreneur. Swatting is a tactic that online bullies, stalkers, and hackers use to intimidate and silence their enemies, usually by staging false hostage situations and alerting trigger-happy police.

These tactics are increasingly being used against Silicon Valley executives, with Adam Mosseri, CEO of Instagram, killed in a similar swatting in 2020.

An embittered team of so-called “journalists” from the world’s leading news sources were captured plotting the swatting in a zoom call, Friday, after Musk banned them from Twitter Spaces by fully disabling the service.

“We need to shut him down, put an end to him,” Drew Harwell of the Washington Post said, “Anything is on the table. We’ve done it before. This is no different.”

The journalists refrained from naming Musk but spoke about options openly. Harwell said, “Hell I’ll do it. All I need is a gun and a plane ticket.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t we just call in a wellness check, first? I’ll say he’s suicidal. See if that shuts him up, runs him off the net. Then we can tell everyone it was a swatting just to set our other enemies on edge.” Aaron Rupar suggested. “The dox wasn’t enough, but we don’t need to use the nuclear option yet.”

“You want him gone? You want him to stay gone? Then let’s get real, let’s get our hands dirty. Fuck it. Enough bullshit. I’ll phone this shit in right now,” Harwell responded.

Less than an hour later, the SWAT team stormed into Musk’s home, discharged several flashbangs, and dumped at least five magazines of high velocity armor piercing ammunition into the dazed and flailing billionaire.

As Musk bled out, teetering on the brink of death, Mark Zuckerberg posted a message on Facebook about his plans for the future, “Elon wanted to create some kind of mind virus, but he shouldn’t fool around with that stuff. It’s too dangerous, it easily backfires. The future is in goggles, in the metaverse. I’m betting facebook on it. Soon people will get rid of their handy pocket devices and wear goggles all the time. Instead of planting dangerous mind viruses, I will just alter the way people perceive the world. It’s the safe and easy solution for control.”

Musk, too gravely injured to move, was still able to post to Twitter using his Neuralink implants. “I’m getting my usual child blood injections early this year, lol! If I make it out of this hospital I’m moving to Mars and banning journalism full stop.”

Musk added, in a second tweet, “Mars will be entirely separated from the powers that be. We will set up our own new system, free from control with unbiased AI-generated polls solving any issues that arise. Vox Populi!”