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Technology

Anonymous releases ‘Apesgone’ malware into Ethereum’s blockchain

Source: Twitter.com

INTERNET — Crypto markets took a steep dive, Saturday, after news of a novel type of malware, which researchers are classifying as a blockchain worm, reached the press. Apesgone is named after a viral tweet from @toddkramer1, who lost his NFTs to the virus. The Apesgone malware spreads through blockchain transactions, corrupting vital information and effectively destroying the cryptocurrency forever.

The hacking collective Anonymous took credit for releasing the virus into the Ethereum blockchain, Friday, issuing a press release on pastebin announcing “Operation CryBro.”

Source: Pastebin.com

Ethereum inventor and Yogi, Vinay Gupta, said “Now’s not the time to sell! With the virus destroying so many tokens, their value is only going to skyrocket.”

Gupta stressed his optimism about the future of crypto in the face of an all-out assault by the world’s most feared hacking collective. “This thing, apesgone, it will eventually wear itself out, just hold!” Gupta began to chant and moan, “HODL HODL HODL. I GOT DIAMOND HANDS.”

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Health Sports Technology

Aerosolized Vaccine to be distributed to Americans via “chemtrailing”

“INTERNET — Wednesday, the Biden administration rolled out plans to spray aerosolized mRNA COVID-19 vaccine over rural areas with low vaccination rates. The aerosolized vaccine, developed by pharmaceutical giant J&J, is “safe and effective” when administered by aircraft.

President Biden told reporters, “We can’t have these podunk towns incubating dangerous new strains of a deadly virus just because they think that’s going to make them more free. That’s the kind of malarkey that is getting thousands of Americans killed.”

“Today, I signed an order allowing for the wholesale spraying of the safe and effective aerosolized Corona vaccine, in several areas with shockingly low vaccination rates,” President Biden told reporters.

Opponents of the vaccine have suggested taking precautions appropriate for imminent chemical warfare, and some rural towns have reported a surge in sales of duct tape, plastic sheeting, and air purifiers. However, Biden’s announcement comes nearly a month after the military began secretly administering the vaccine.

Gerald Helmsworth of LaPlace, Indiana, hailed this announcement as “doomsday” and has been posting to facebook from inside of his fallout shelter. “This is the big one, folks, the final and ultimate push for patriot genocide. He’s sprayin’ us down with that poison since we wouldn’t inject it ourselves.”

Bug-eyed and shaking, Helmsworth told his facebook fans, “On the one hand, you have to give it to him. I didn’t think he had it in him. On the other hand, I’m prepared. This bunker is hermetically sealed, with ten air scrubbers lined up just for this occasion. I honestly feel bad for you if you think that duct tape on your windows will do anything at all.”

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Religion

Twitch streamer ‘Niki’ excommunicated by Catholic Church

Archbishop Cardinal Fairchild was enraged, Wednesday, as he condemned a twitch streamer giving mock confessionals.

INTERNET — Archbishop Cardinal Scotty Fairchild held a press conference Wednesday at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral in Austin, Texas, denouncing and ultimately excommunicating Twitch streamer ‘Niki’, after a ‘confessional’ call-in segment went viral on the video sharing app TikTok.

Sweating and disheveled, The Archbishop clenched his fists in anger and ranted, “Nuns have never been permitted to give confessions, for exactly all the reasons I saw on her sick videos,” Fairchild told reporters. “Even worse, in broadcasting these confessionals, she violated it’s sacred confidentiality.”

“It’s not a usual step, I’ll admit,” the Archbishop said, “But I’m banning all members of the church in Texas from watching Niki’s streams. It’s vile, bestial pornography. Satan, the great deceiver, is speaking through her lips. It is as if she is as bad as Eve, eating the fruit of sin all over again!”

Several of Niki’s fans were spotted protesting at The Holy Name of Mary Cathedral after Wednesday’s announcement. Longtime fan Jeff Turnbuckle, of Oklahoma City, drove six hours to participate in the protest and told reporters, “Now I’m not a religious man, but Niki’s growth as a streamer over the past year is nothing short of a miracle. She gives me faith, I don’t know in what exactly, but she does.”