axisflip

NEW YORK—As people in the community become face-touch weary, and some even consciously desire coronavirus infection, disturbing new trends of risky behavior have pushed the rate of new infections in New York higher than any other state in the US, all to the mantra of “don’t test, don’t tell.”

Using darknet sites for promotion and connection, a community of maskless, gloveless “barebackers” (those who venture out into the city without personal protective equipment) is flourishing. This includes bug chasers who host conversion parties where participants actively seek the gift of COVID-19 novel coronavirus infection.

Greg Moreland was once an articulate, well-spoken young man who moved to New York from the Midwest in search of a welcoming, presumably healthy, community. He became a bug chaser and actively sought the gift of coronavirus. When Greg became infected with the virus, he felt a sense of belonging to a community of badass, battle-scarred, corona-infected motherfuckers. He is now dealing with the unexpected severity of his illness.

Greg now suffers from sore throat, runny nose, and a dry cough.

Tensions are running high in both directions, as people pass each other in the street. Some are running to the nearest airports, away from viral epicenters. They pass others going the opposite way, headed straight into the throbbing epicenter of full-blown coronavirus, a glowing orange pile of bodies, lit up by thousands of pulsating pos parties, where one secret guest per party is infected with the contagious virus.

“We just want to hurry up and get it already, and get it over with, so we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

–Noted psychoanalyst, community activist, and gift-giver Dr. Angstrom H. I.V. Ladour, MD, author of Pandemic Hellscapes and You: A Man’s Guide to Surviving Pangolin Flu.

To offer some indication of just how widespread the parties have become, Dr. Ladour said the wife of the Spanish Prime Minister has tested positive for Coronavirus, while the Prime Minister himself feels left out and ashamed, cucked by an exotic new virus.

“Corona is Latin for crown, HIS crown.”

If you are interested in hosting or locating a pos party in your area, please contact the Internet Chronicle resident orgyman, Christopher Nemelka at [email protected].

Thank you, and may God have mercy on our Mormon souls.

Published by hatesec

I am the hatest

Join the Conversation

9 Comments

  1. Me: I’ll take sum suck & fuck w/ a side of AID$, corona, & heroin.
    Prophet Onision Nemelka: You sure you’re under 18 ?!?

    1. ‘@Skype why haven’t you brought back proper group calling, adding new phone callers to existing phone calls? “New Skype” has been out nearly three years and it is still missing the main features I paid for’

      Reminds one of the time Edward ‘gots no balls’ Snowden was late for one of his interview on Googl Hangouts from the Motherland, Russia. And the fact you use skype and STILL call yourself an investigative, *cough* journalist. BRB DYING LAUGHING, FUCK COVID-19.

  2. THE FOX
    Brit Hume
    @brithume
    Key point from Dr. Birx in WH Coronavirus briefing: the number of new cases in hard-hit New York City has been level for the past thee days. This suggests that the efforts to “flatten the curve” are having an effect. Imperative to continue them, she says.
    VS
    THE HOUND
    Joe Scarborough
    @JoeNBC
    More Americans died today in New York City of the Coronavirus than died in Afghanistan over the past 5 years. The President needs to get serious about this pandemic now. It is only going to get worse.

    Trust me there are idiots everywhere who think this is either a hoax, or just don’t given any fucks about about flattening the curve, both in the cities or in the hollars. New York has had the biggest community spread so far, so staying there now is probably prudent until the Zombie Apocalypse starts. Now the death panel party has moved to Louisiana.

    All propaganda has an element of satire.

  3. Start spreadin’ the news, I’m leavin’ today
    I want to be a part of it
    New York, New York
    These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
    Right through the very heart of it
    New York, New York
    I wanna to wake up, in a city that doesn’t sleep
    And find I’m king of the hill
    Top of the heap
    These little town blues
    Are melting away
    I’ll make a brand new start of it
    In old New York
    If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere
    It’s up to you, New York, New York
    New York, New York
    I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps
    And find I’m a number one, top of the list
    King of the hill, a number one
    These little town blues, are melting away
    I’m gonna make a brand new start of it
    In old New York
    And
    If I can make it there
    I’m gonna make it anywhere
    It’s up to you, New York
    New York
    New York

    Mr. President, @nypost reports that New York hospital workers are being forced to wear garbage bags as protective gowns. And a nurse there died because of his exposure to a patient.
    Stop dithering!!!!!

  4. Isn’t trackingterrorism an uncle Neal phishing gig. I always miss the live shit.

Leave a comment

Leave a comment (or don't)