Wash. D.C.—Not to be pushed into obscurity, Al Qaeda has teamed up again with #ISIS to deliver the deadliest biological weapon known to man: Living Ebola carriers who are not yet symptomatic will bring the virus from Africa to the United States by exploiting dangerous flaws in airport security.
Once thought to be a Western myth, ISIS was originally kicked out of the Al Qaeda terror-ring for being “too extreme.” But desperate times call for desperate crimes, according to the world’s biggest Muslim, President Barack Hussein Obama. And Al Qaeda’s back, and blacker than ever.
“Conventional warfare is no longer hip,” Obama said Wednesday. “If Al Qaeda’s going to keep up, they’re going to have to play by a whole new set of fucked up rules.”
The new wave of terror, dubbed by the President as “Terror 3.0,” is spearheaded by a Canadian sleeper cell bearing direct ties to #ISIS. Rumor has it they had plans to attack a Parliamentary building in Ottawa, however there is no evidence to suggest they carried out their idle, meaningless threats. Still, Obama has said, the new terrorists do not need sleep. They persist without food, air or water. They are white ghosts behind the black, ink-stained pages of pure, unwritten history.
“The terrorist is a grim-faced lunatic who wants nothing more than to destroy freedom by instilling fears into the hearts of good, white American people, and exterminate babies out of hatred for life itself,” Obama said. “They eat clean coal for breakfast and sweat concentrated, crude oil. Just one glance from one of these Jihadist maniacs can turn even our bravest soldiers into stone.”
The president, who has already spoken out against the terrorist organization’s heinous crimes against babies, sparked controversy again by mandating forcible, rape-like anal searches for every man, woman, and especially child, coming into the US via airplane.
“I want fingers in every hole,” the President dictated. “There will be the gnashing of teeth. There will be … tribulation.”
And with the last breath of his final, ominous warning, the President of the United States exploded into a cloud of bats, enveloping the front row of the White House Press Corps, and carried them to Mount Vesuvius where torture awaits lost souls.
The devil is coming, scripture reads. The Antichrist is borne of hatred and paranoid superstition. And he’s looking you right in the eyes, promising a better tomorrow in 2016.