INTERNET—More than 40 teens at Hidden Vale High in Roamoke Virginia were sent home Thursday for wearing offensive pro-ISIS t-shirts, which police traced through a local flea market back to ISIS. Principal George Glevins told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “These students were mostly wearing the t-shirts in irony and didn’t understand that they were supporting terrorists both figuratively and financially, and they were glad to be rid of the shirts once they knew what they were. I can chalk almost all of the mess up to natural youthful rebellion, but there might be something more here.”
Glevins stunned parents and reporters by adding that the Department of Homeland Security would embed agents in classrooms for the rest of the semester to investigate possible terror threats, saying, “I want everyone to be hypervigilant. If your kids are too private or spend too much time with friends, you should look into it. Asking questions isn’t enough — don’t assume you know your kids or what they do with their time. I’ve approved the ongoing investigation of all students involved in supporting ISIS, but we need your help if we’re going to be truly safe instead of sorry. As an extra measure of caution, I’ve asked the school board for weekly active-shooter drills and armed guards around the clock.”
One student spoke under the condition of anonymity, “Who cares if we sent a few bucks to ISIS? I’m actually glad. Our parents are paying thousands to kill them and whoever else they want to kill every year, and our parents are so stupid. I want my ISIS shirt back because it brought all the constant wars home for me.”