Redlight King releases hit single "Old Man" again for the first time

Someone else’s song

“Old Man” reaches the top of fictitious chart

Neil Young wrote it.

Redneck King
Redneck King

Corporate Rock sensation Redlight King was granted permission by Neil Young to sample [butcher] one of his finest works for the song.

The video features a skateboarder at the beginning, to rope in fans of Tony Hawk V or whatever’s next. It is cool.

Then, some undefinable hipster – wigger hybrids get in a fight, signifying the dissonance between the last generation’s ways and the pressures of today. So basically a confrontation between two irrelevant groups of people takes place, and you’re supposed to feel something. If your parents are white trash, then you can probably relate to what you see on-screen, maintaining the status quo.

Following this, a distraught-looking Weezer fan enters a bike shop and is confused by tires on the ceiling. The wheels in the sky keep on turning, maybe, but his life is obviously at a standstill – as signified by the fact he is in a Redlight King video. He thinks the motorcycle will take him places, perhaps now through his own bastardization of Easy Rider, minus the weed, because not only is marijuana for old fogies, but Redlight King tests for that stuff now.

The camera then pans across our straight-edge hipster biker-wigger moping in his Detroit squat of an apartment, while the words Old Man, look at my life shamelessly echo off the walls, washing over this embarrassment of a manchild you instantly identified with before realizing what a pussy he is; but it’s too late now.

He reviews disconnect notices for his iPhone and FiOs internet over a bowl of cereal, surrounded by pictures of a disappointed step-father.

Seeking fulfillment and quick cash, the antagonist enters a motorcycle race. He takes off and now you’re finally allowed to see a musical instrument, implying that Neil Young samples were not the only thing used for this song – that someone did in fact pick up a guitar, probably under duress, and most likely enveloped in anguish at the notion of having to resort to use of a talent. The lights are dim and we’re only shown the brief vibration of strings before the manchild reappears in a field after [losing] his motorcycle race.

The video ends on a disturbing note. Viewers discover that not only has the antagonist reproduced, he managed to score with a beautiful woman, ultimately creating this abomination:

Redlight King promotes unsustainable childbirth and theft of intellectual property. Neil Young is neither referenced nor apologized to throughout the course of the video, and you are dumber for watching it.

Redlight King is the trailer park hero of the modern South.

Redlight King is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

Ryan Cleary, Anonymous infiltrator, now official leader of Anonymous amid post-Civil-War fugue

All of the sudden, the United States Government is faced with an information problem it didn’t anticipate. The anti-American threat of anonymously submitted documents from WikiLeaks has forced evil politicians to engage weaponized sockpuppets obtained from HBGary in order to create the dual-purpose Anonymous collective.

Anonymous serves both as a honeypot for enterprising young hackers and as a Psy-Op aimed at discrediting any anonymously submitted documents of the foreseeable future. When Anonymous sprung to defend WikiLeaks, the government engaged its sockpuppet army. HBGary was actually a red herring tossed out by the Government and jumped on by a rabid press. The untrustworthy Anonymous was waving a bunch of stolen e-mails that proved exactly the kind of social weaponry America was deploying. The mainstream media ignored this story and Anonymous was put out of mind.

At some point, a character known only as “Ryan Cleary” began to participate in the administration of AnonOps. He played the part of a young, resourceful hacker with the realistic fault of a hot temper. Most Anons believe Ryan infiltrated Anonymous either for a corporate entity, a criminal organization, or the Federal Government.

George Hotz, the famous iPhone and PS3 hacker, drew the sympathy of Anonymous. A relatively tiny group of around one hundred supported DDoSing Sony’s video game servers, so it was done. Bot-nets created and employed by AnonOps administrators shut down PSN for an entire day, with no real need for the LOIC except to implicate criminals. Somebody somewhere allegedly used the cover of this attack to steal the personal data of a hundred million people. The security was suspiciously relaxed, as if it was a trap, as if some power wanted Anonymous to make the wrong move. A calling card appearing to be from Anonymous was supposedly recovered by Sony, who may have hacked themselves just to profit off of endless downtime.

Anonymous has largely abandoned both AnonOps and AnonNews after “Ryan Cleary” went crusading with his bot-net. Official statements by Anonymous have called all hackers to join their movement. Of course, Anonymous has denied all knowledge of the personal data theft from PSN. Meanwhile, “Ryan Cleary” has accessed all the personal data stored on AnonOps, published it, and claimed to be more Anonymous than AnonOps is. The sockpuppet army has widely applauded “Ryan Cleary” and his success, making him the new leader of Anonymous. His unnatural abilities, shadowy motives, and god-like ability to act with complete impunity has helped him ride the wave of discontent to the helm of Anonymous. Who is “Ryan Cleary”? Is he from Sony? Is he a criminal from Eastern Europe? Is he an FBI agent? The sockpuppet army has gone insane with speculation.

This town sucks and everyone is lame except for me and my friends

You know, this would be a great place to live if it wasn’t for all the people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few good friends who make living in this shitty town okay. They are really exceptional at drinking, smoking, and playing video games. I don’t know what I’d do without them. It’s too bad that me and my small group of friends are the ONLY cool people around. It’s all that keeps me from committing suicide.

There’s literally nothing happening except for lame events with lame people. I need to get out of this town and forget that it ever existed. Sometimes it seems like everyone who lives here has a mental problem. There’s something in the water.  Not only that, but all the girls here are so fat! This must be the fattest town in the world. I could move anywhere in the world and the women, no matter how ugly, would invariably be more fit for intercourse. The handful of girls attractive enough for sex are all married. Fuck this town, it is the reason I can’t get laid!

I go on Facebook all the time to tell everyone how much this place sucks. I hope all my friends on Facebook will move with me somewhere exciting like Miami or Hollywood. That’s where it’s at. Something’s always happening there, I know it.

You know, I’m sure that my art career will take off as soon as I go somewhere else. This small town is stifling my creativity. It is as if a cloud of fear hovers above the valley, smothering all the life out of it. My band, also, is not doing that well because of this town. No one here appreciates music or art at all, and if they do, they’re not willing to throw money at me for being so great. If it wasn’t for this damn town, I’d already be rich and famous!

One day I’m going to pack up, leave this town, and forget it ever existed. I will be the most famous person to ever come from this shit-town. I’m so much better than this town, and it’s all the other people’s fault that my life sucks!



Ashton Kutcher collapses on set of Two and a Half Men, dies

Not enough Tiger Blood?

HOLLYWOOD – Earlier this morning Ashton Kutcher stepped onto the set of Two and a Half Men and into the shoes of Charlie Sheen, only to collapse and die within an hour. Two and a Half Men is the greatest television program of all time.

Kutcher arrived to his first day on set drunk and accompanied by a cadre of male porn stars. Before shooting a single scene, he reportedly tried to “bang 7 gram rocks” in an attempt to live up to the bombastic performance of Sheen. Kutcher’s face was entirely melted before medics arrived. They were unable to revive him.

“You’d think it’d be a half-ass job for any experienced actor to play a smarmy, cock-sure bachelor in a bowling shirt on television. That’s not the case,” commented Sheen, “that pathetic little troll has no Tiger Blood! I told you nobody could handle a dose of Charlie Sheen!”

Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen’s disintegrating acting career has devolved to the lowest level: YouTube and Twitter. Sheen’s Twitter account, the fastest growing in the history of mankind, avoids all the self-destructive fun and serves only to promote his new “jeered-off-stage” comedy tour.

Hollywood elites have approved a new Blu-Ray version of Apocalypse Now: Special Edition, in which Martin Sheen’s face is modified with CGI to look like his son, Charlie, the greatest actor of all time. Charlie Sheen refused to accept any payment for this role except in the form of the purest Colombian Cocaine from his favorite artisan Cocainery.

Ashton Kutcher will not be missed.

Barack's Dox!


You can also call or write to the President:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Please include your e-mail address WTF

Phone Numbers

Comments: 202-456-1111
Switchboard: 202-456-1414
FAX: 202-456-2461


Comments: 202-456-6213
Visitors Office: 202-456-2121


Ryan is the Apocalypse

Some say Ryan is the second coming of Jesus, a heroic character who freed AnonOps from the perils of evil dictatorial rule by scamming his way into a position of trust. There is little doubt that “Ryan” is controlled by a small cabal of namefags such as JoePie, Kilgore Trout, Billy Walshe, Barrett Brown, Owen, Pseudonymous, Ol’ Brutus, Ronny Nitro, and the shadowy James K Galloway, rumored secret CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc.  Sacrificial human offerings are made to the altar of Inglip, a terminal where Kilgore Trout deciphers the thousands of Captchas from AnonNews. Inglip speaks to Trout through this oracle.

Ryan is an 18 year old social engineering prodigy who has been pulled into the cult of Inglip. While Trout will not yet confirm that Ryan is in fact the living embodiment of Inglip, he has stated that Ryan is the most talented prophet since Ol’ Brutus. At only 18, Ryan has been able to scam the owners of AnonOps into finally scaring off their dwindling, concerned membership. Ryan stands as an icon for liberation from the shackles of tyranny.

Ryan continues to perform miracles of doxing and hacking so extraordinary that the Feds have totally ignored him out of awe. Aaron Barr has pledged himself to the service of Ryan, forever. Dare any entity attempt to hack back at Ryan, they will face utmost raepage.

Inglip has predicted that the true messiah should be crucified, on cam, aside George Hotz and Kilgore Trout by suited men in Guy Fawkes masks. From there, Ryan will use his direct video link to hijack the minds of billions of onlookers. Because of the unbalanced massing of consciousness, Ryan will begin to implode and re-trigger the big bang. A better universe will be born, full of trollfaces and rage comics.





People, people. Gather ’round for the time has come to succumb to the wicked ways of the Right. The Great Digital Civil War coalesces before your very eyes.




Get down on your knees and pray to Satan, your lord and eternal heavenly hellmaster. We named him Barrett “Ryan” Brown as a CIA plant for your circlejerking pleasure in the annals of IRC.


That’s right, we’re currently engaging the Grady Warren Anti-Muslim Teahad across the desert land of the doomed and all you people can do is sit there on your asses and gawk, in shock and awe as the Lebal Drocer bombs fall on the darkies. FUCKING BROWN PEOPLE GET OUT OF OUR COUNTRY, YOU ARE POISONING AND ABUSING THE GENEROUS LOVING NATURE OF WHITES and RYAN IS PISSED!!!!!1



“Get ready for some real journalism here, James, the truth’s about to hit you in the balls, I mean face, no balls was right originally. Kilgore Trout has assumed the handle “Ryan” under false pretenses. He is NOT the real Ryan. I repeat: Kilgore Trout is NOT Ryan.”


This just in: Ryan, who recently hijacked the IRC and is using it to DDoS, is in fact Billy Walshe. Dox are available at


This message brought to you by:

“KIDS. LITTLE KIDS: Welcome the Chronicle.sU home of the whopper value meal, get yours today!”

Billy Mays

Ain’t no poison in me.

Anonymous denies Anonymous exists

Today, Anonymous denied doing everything ever. AnonOps has split into factions that are hell-bent on publishing the largest body of lies and personal documents in the history of the world. Meanwhile, the FBI is closing in on everybody who ever used the name Anonymous. Anonymous has since denied that Anonymous even exists. Now that every single Anon has been doxed, there is no longer an Anonymous Anon. Therefore, Anonymous no longer exists, and perhaps never did. Also, all the dox are fake.

Anonymous still maintains that it is morally above data theft and would never condone the attack on Sony. While there is plenty of evidence that implicates Anonymous, this theory is not consistent with the upright reputation for civil disobedience that Anonymous is rightly known for.

There is an army of sockpuppets built to leaked HBGary specifications being used by both sides of the Great Anon Schism. The metalgear is continuously downboating all Chronicle.SU articles and posting lies just for the fun. Anonymous has denied that Chronicle.SU is teh lulz, a final denial that will implode Anonymous into a black hole of self-denying non-existence.

“We never let a bunch of criminals, scammers, and liars take over positions of power and organize Anonymous into some phony IRC where everyone rats eachother out!” – Barrett Brown



A lucid response to Barrett Brown

Barrett Brown, I think you’re a pretty decent guy. “A moral chap,” in the words of Ian Murphy. What Murphy doesn’t realize is that morality is one of the worst epithets within Anonymous.

You have long worked as a crusader for truth and justice, heroically sacrificing your journalism career for worldwide fame and recognition. I swear, if I see “A Flock of Dodos” plugged one more time, I might actually buy the $95.91 hardcover from our free-speech friends at Amazon so I can get it over with. Come on, Barrett, you don’t actually think I’m so insane as to think you’re getting kickbacks from pro bono lawyers, do you? I think everyone understands where that joke was aimed. Only someone with a complete misunderstanding of Anonymous would not recognize this joke as cultural satire of Anonymous.

You have a poor understanding of Anonymous and its culture. Until recently, I thought you were probably pretty close to the mark. Not anymore. Your comments on Sony are wholly disturbing to my sense of truth.

“This week, Sony Corporation claimed to Congress that its investigation of the breach by which millions of customers had their credit card numbers compromised had turned up a document left on the server in question entitled “Anonymous” and containing the phrase “We are Legion”, itself a fragment of our longtime slogan. Some have taken this as proof that Anonymous was responsible for the most significant online heists in memory.”

“Some” have taken this as proof? As a crusader for truth, I think it’s your duty to point out that this “some” includes some within Anonymous itself. Well, I can let that go. This is a relatively minor offense, and you’re allowed to frame things in a way that makes Anonymous look better. It’s what a spokesperson does. It’s not an outright lie, like this:

“Anonymous is accused of having committed a major crime entirely different from the campaigns of civil disobedience for which we are rightfully known. The evidence is a single document that helpfully names us as the perpetrators.”

This is your most offensive statement because it characterizes Anonymous in such a grossly false light. You slander CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE by describing Anonymous as a series of “campaigns of civil disobedience.” Yes, Anonymous is known for CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE, but let’s be intellectually honest. Anonymous is known for other things too. Anonymous is known for publishing the personal information of enemies. The theft of millions of credit card numbers, sadly, is perfectly aligned with the previous behavior of Anonymous. Considering the epic failure of OpSony, is it so absurd to imagine a vengeful Anon who took “doxing” to a genocidal scale? No! Of course not! Anonymous was never so full of pure hate as it was when the PSN data was stolen. Anyone who paid any attention would know the hate was directed at the FANS OF SONY as much as the corporation itself. You are creating an imaginary group called Anonymous that the public desperately wants to believe in. It is, no matter how believable and cuddly, purely imaginary.

Anonymous is a culture. When things like “doxing” become acceptable behavior, the actions of a single person jeopardize the whole. Like I’ve warned many times with the metaphor of violence, all it takes is one maniac with a gun and a Guy Fawkes mask, and the whole thing is set up to fail. The Guy Fawkes mask was a file that says “We are Legion.” The gun was the over-zealous product of a culture that finds “doxing” hilarious. There has never been an instance where Anonymous didn’t leave a calling card. Listen, I want to believe Anonymous was framed, but I’m not going to use a bunch of blatant lies to rationalize this belief! That is exactly what you have done, oh moral crusader for truth.

Logs or it didn’t happen? Please! Logs of all private messages between everyone on AnonOps, or STFU.

I respect you for attempting to present the best side of Anonymous. However, the way you have ignored the worst of Anonymous is a miserable failure for truth. Please, Barrett, the name of truth is more holy than the name of Anonymous. Anonymous has always been in denial of its dark side, and you are now the very worst part of this problem. Sony may be guilty of framing Anonymous. Eastern European criminals may be guilty of framing Anonymous. More likely, Anonymous is guilty of framing Anonymous. Anonymous is a magnet for people who want to see the world burn.

The way you have portrayed Anonymous as a group is perhaps the most dangerous lie yet. It’s dangerous for your own position as spokesperson and dangerous for everyone who has ever participated under the banner of Anonymous. This excerpt is from Yes, you should join Anonymous, a piece that singlehandedly leverages your celebrity to define Anonymous as AnonOps IRC. What’s happened to AnonOps IRC, since you wrote this, Barrett?

“If you’d like to support Anonymous in our work, you may easily do so via these instructions, which includes information on using IRC to connect to our main base of operations at Anonops. A list of tools that are of use to anyone conducting our style of “information warfare” against corrupt institutions or engaging in activism of any sort may be found here.”

Well Barrett, you’ve further defined Anonymous as a group and helped implicate every participant in a larger conspiracy that doesn’t exist. For all your talk about the mad legal research going on within AnonOps, you’ve outed exactly how many sockpuppets and gearheads? Congratulations on being such a great spokesperson, slinging the word faggot around like it doesn’t mean something hateful. Bradley Manning is the real hero of our age. In a country that has only recently allowed free speech for homosexuals in its military, why the fuck are you, a supposed figurehead for free speech activism, using the word ‘faggot?’ You got a problem with Bradley Manning’s homosexuality or something? We all know how much great work you’ve done, and that I do nothing but pointless bitching and moaning. HAH! You’re the one who’s always left bitching after we’re done with the jokes. Anonymous is not a group, it is a culture. We’re so sorry that we have a mean sense of humor.

With a spokesperson like you, who needs enemies?

‘Truther’ is an epithet in America. Do you want ‘Anonymous’ to be an epithet?



Someone's going to take over the world. Osama Lives!

Listen, right now the United States is engineering complete ownership of the entire world. Osama Bin Laden has always worked for our government. He was raised in a laboratory and bred for evil. Then, after we conditioned and trained him, he set to work False Flagging all over the world. Now we own all teh OiLZ! LULZ!!! World War 3 is about to break out and everyone’s going to run out of gas but teh USA. Hell, America controls Europe with NATO and uses the third world as slave-states. We’re slow-hitlering. Did you know that HAARP radio waves can wipe out whole flocks of birds?

The grays have a kind of multi-dimensional control of the universe that I can’t comprehend. As far as I know, they created life as a kind of computer simulation and pop in whenever they need to conduct an experiment. They have an obsession with cows. And anuses. And how much cow meat you have in your anus. They are trying to send you a message.

The Bilderberg group are extremely rich people who pull all the strings on Earth by giving out billions of dollars like pimp-daddyz.  Alex Jones stalks them, because like me, he knows how evil they are. I know they’re paying him off. If we don’t do something about them, they’ll just merge America and Europe into one huge corporation state. America would be exactly like China. These people paid Osama for 9/11 through the CIA, which they own.

There is a group of super-rich ancient druids who meet at Bohemian Grove and get wasted in front of a giant owl. They are also stalked by Alex Jones. He even broke in one time, and crashed their ritual. It was really gnarly, there’s this giant owl, fireworks, and evil rich people. The footage is now on sale.

Freemasons are a Teutonic cult that holds the power of eternal youth and the Holy Grail. They came to America before anyone, and wrote our history down before it ever happened. They have always been in control. They have never been in control. They leave symbols on our money and shit, just to remind us. They’re staring at us like the eye of Sauron, from every dollar bill.

There’s a bunch of maniacs at the Colorado Airport, ready to unleash the final disease on mankind, they’ve built the doomsday bio-weapon. They’re Nazis too! Once they’ve got enough disease built up, the motherfuckers will hold the world hostage or more likely just gas humanity like insects. This airport is where the chemtrails come from. One day they’ll prove this.

The other side of this technological doomsday battle is in production by the Scientists at CERN. The large Hadron Collider was designed to evaporate the world with the single push of a button. This would serve as a retaliatory threat to the creators of the Colorado airport bio-weapon/chemtrail factory.

But, there are yet more forces at work. The Reptilians have crawled out of their hiding-caves for the first time in millenia. They are an ancient race of evolved lizards which are indistinguishable from humans. Some say the lizards are already at the helm of all big business and government!

Meanwhile, my computer has been infected with a trojan that Anonymous is using to commit acts of cyber-terrorism. I hear that hard drive racing all night long, like it’s up to something. Updating Windows my ass. Fuck! The bastards are closing in on me! I am the poet-terrorist of their worst nightmare.

The UN is working with NASA on project bluebeam, a crazy light show that will start a new religion to take over the world. Two of my favorite artists are indicted in this conspiracy. Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick created 2001: A Space Odyssey just to condition us for the new religion. I agree that they are prophets!

Osama Lives! We are for the truth, but ‘truther’ is an epithet. There is no truth, only Hate and Lies! We choose lies that keep America expanding. Capitalism! Terrorism! Economic crisis! We are afraid of opposing views, it is our culture. You want to change the culture? Make fun of it. Poetic terrorism. Osama Lives!