Here’s the shit CNN won’t report

It’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s not Casey Anthony’s dead little baby. It’s not even Weiner’s dick. Nope. It’s another fucking WAR!

In April, the lying United States President Barack Obama said there are “no boots on the ground” in Libya but we reported there certainly are “shoes on the ground.” And boots. America continues its oil campaign through the desert as Obama prepares to declare war on Libya, who is currently already at war with itself.

Obama wants in on dat

Obama submitted a 34-page document to House Speaker John Boehner in support of all-out war on Libya. Lawsuits are being prepared against the administration which is currently engaged in illegal acts of war inside the oil-controlled nation of Libya, and Obama was required to justify his weird acts of war.

Many Americans will not even ask the question “Why not Syria?” where cold-blooded slayings of innocent, unarmed protesters take place as you read this – because Americans smart enough to ask that question are smart enough to know America’s role is not to spread Democracy, but to keep its own oil prices low.

The rest of the American public allow warmongering to continue because 98% of them are kept ignorant by corporate media and their own lazy, noninquisitive lifestyles; they probably just assume it’s all good in the ‘hood as long as their reality TV shows don’t exhibit signs of political polarization.

The U.S. State Department is considering lifting its ban on women in combat roles. This is likely less in the interest of women’s rights, and more because they don’t have enough meat in the field to sustain four simultaneous wars. Libya can expect a flood of women’s rights, where women will soon be found legally behind the gun pointed at your terrorist sand-nigger children.

Germany couldn’t warmonger on half the fronts we do but we’ll pull it off, because America’s number 1.

Chronicle.SU reporter Old Brutus called the CNN tipline to let them know Obama submitted to Congress what he said is a “legal basis for war” on Libya. Brutus assumed they had not yet learned of the development since they were broadcasting stories about Angelina Jolie and people having a hard time playing golf.

Old Brutus called the New York City CNN tip-line to make them aware of the news but could only speak to a machine. He left the following message:

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/message-from-old-brutus-to-cnn1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus’ message to CNN]

Then, dissatisfied and wishing to speak with a human being, Old Brutus called the Atlanta, Ga. headquarters where computers have not yet assumed oppressive control over the flow of information. In Ga. it recently became legal for women to work, so a girl answered the phone.

She said she was not aware of the President’s justification for war on Libya to Congress, and forwarded him to the same tip-line he called to reach her. While holding, Brutus quickly plugged his voice recorder back into his hyper-encrypted landline handset and recorded the following conversation:

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/tip-line1.mp3|titles=Old Brutus submits a news tip to CNN]

Elf Wax Media Ethics Analyst Billiam Falshe, who is glued constantly to CNN and supports their every move, was available for comment. Shortly before increasing the volume on his television, Falshe had this to say:

We like pretty dead babys with pretty mothers. We don’t like ugly sand-niggers blown to pieces by our political hate machine.

In the news today:

  • Someone injured during an angelina jolie visit to bumfuck nowhere
  • John Boehner plays golf “under pressure” [editor’s note: Boehner is scheduled to play golf with the President, who Boehner asked to submit a proposal for his thus-far-illegal war on Libya. *Gasp!* I wonder what they will they talk about?]
  • A new battlefront! [oh, between republicans and democrats]
  • For at least 30 minutes, Casey Anthony’s trial dominated BOTH CNN channels
  • Sarah Palin, for some reason

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Lulz Lizards Invade the InterT00bz

Today, LulzSec released a manifesto on PasteBin outlining a more sophisticated set of motives. Like all posts on PasteBin, to trust it would be idiotic. It was the thousandth tweet spectacular, and the Lulz forever died. Us Lulz Lizards at Chronicle.SU would like to weigh in on these lofty statements from our pirate friends at LulzSec.

There seems to be an underground sect of Lulz Lizards crawling through the grimiest internet t00bz, ready to do anything for a quick laugh. The lizards will log onto your Facebook, masturbate to your girlfriend, and then tell her you are into choking children. At the Chronicle, we completely understand this phenomenon and report on it daily. By reporting on it, we have ourselves become somewhat acclimated to crawling through the Lulz Lizard t00bz and have covered ourselves in /b/ period blood.

That said, LulzSec knows what we filthy lizards want. We want to see people rage, we want to see their relationships burn, we want their houses flooded with unwanted pizza and distress. We are Anonymous. We do not Forgive. We do not Forget. Expect us to fap when we’re done.

The manifesto made one startling statement that broke with LulzSec tradition. In the past, they would only hold back releases because of their love for Sega Dreamcast. That is no longer true. Today they did it to prove an important and meaningful point. Dear God, what has come of LulzSec?!?!

“We’re sitting on 200,000 Brink users right now that we never gave out. It might make you feel safe knowing we told you, so that Brink users may change their passwords. What if we hadn’t told you? No one would be aware of this theft, and we’d have a fresh 200,000 peons to abuse, completely unaware of a breach.”

Let me take a second to wash my hands of all this multi-colored period blood. You could have been doing this all along, but instead you’ve gleefully fed the Lulz Lizards. We don’t blame you for knowing what they want, because we want it too. We enjoyed seeing the pathetic lizards scramble around for your scraps.

Now that you’ve shown you’re capable of taking the boring moral high ground like post-Cablegate Anonymous, it’s all downhill from here. Maybe the Government Hate Lizards will take it a little easier on you, now that you’ve shown a kind of regretful cultural awareness and a shred of morality. The Lulz Lizards will not!

You are yesterday’s Lulz, bitches!

Internet "Not Anonymous Enough" for CHRONICLE Writer Old Brutus

Ol’ B

In a trend that appears to be sweeping the Chronicle.SU, resident columnist and editor Old Brutus has reportedly snubbed fame and left the Internet, saying true anonymity can not be achieved online. “Fuck that NSA Octopus,” he said.

Fuck that NSA Octopus!

-Old Brutus

But anonymity is not the mysterious writer’s only motivation for leaving the Web in exchange for newspapers.

Old Brutus, who recently discovered the Deepnet, or Dark Net, shut down his laptop Tuesday, saying, “That’s it. I’ve seen the entire Internet. I’m done.”

When asked what he plans to do in the absence of 4chan and its bottomless supply of jailbait, Old Brutus told the Chronicle this:

There ain’t shit out there for me that I ain’t already seen. Child porn? Hell, I was havin’ sex before I knew what sex was. My best friend had to tell me what me and his sister had just done together. Bomb-manufacturing? Shit, the Anarchist Handbook is just copied and pasted from the annals of Chronicle.SU! DRUGS AND BITCOINS? NIGGA, I HELPED APPERSON ‘N PICKARD MAKE THE WORLD’S SUPPLY OF LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYLAMIDE OUT OF AN ABANDONED MISSILE SOLO TILL TWINNY OT FO’!”

Indeed, Old Brutus is a man of many worlds whose “dick don’t never go down.” Sources indicate he has regressed to the use of a 1972 IBM Selectric typewriter and pleasures himself via phone sex while looking through a window into his neighbor’s yard.

Old Brutus can be found busking on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina, like a bum, for marijuana and dollar bills – or whatever you will give him. Toenail clippings and old receipts have uses, he said, but refused to go into detail about what those uses may be.

The Chronicle remains staffed largely by psy-operatives and cyber-intelligence officials who hate your freedom. Our CIA-enhanced pseudo-intellectual framework of satirical propagandist innuendo promises to continue subverting your ideology and feeding upon the very fears which we nurture inside each and every one of you. Now read. It’s okay. Read.

Loving endorsements from the omnipotent Lebal Drocer, Inc. ensure that the Chronicle will never die, but in fact absorb all weaker publications, such as pravda.ru, anonnews.org and Roanoke Revolution.

In related news, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce its acquisition of roanoke revolution dot com. We hope you will enjoy the bland mediocrity of a culture where depth is only a measurement of the polluted river upon which it was founded.

Mega-exclusive interview with Lulz Security

LulzSec sailed their LulzBoat into public waters today and Chronicle.SU reached them for comment. “Welcome to the bot-net!” exclaimed the limey young hackers. “You jelly of AnonNews, Chronicle?” After they revealed their British heritage, LulzSec mockingly adopted a French moniker, Pierre Dubois.

“Chronicle.SU Lies!” ~ LulzSec

The truth of the matter is that a mouthful of Farmhouse bread with Cucumbers is the secret to the hacking skills of LulzSec. A simple Google search led us to the village of Essendon in Hertfordshire, UK, which is surely the home of Lulz Security. One member of LulzSec claimed his father was NATO’s Rapporteur Lord Joplin, author of the general report on information and national security. Final proof that LulzSec is a government project.

Claiming that “reckless” is not a word in their vocabulary, LulzSec was hesitant to comment on their recent bitcoin profits. When accused of pilfering from bitcoin pools, LulzSec admitted that only pirates like themselves would do such a thing. LulzSec has been extorting online business owners, stealing coins from pools, or mining their own. They are most likely doing all three things at once, among others we cannot even imagine.

As promised! Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec, and LulzSec Delivers!

[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/LS1100671.mp3|titles=Tyler Bass interviews LulzSec and they make an amazing revelation about the j35t3r!]

Goodbye Internet

Hey folks. Media Mogul here.

I’ll be taking a long break from the Internet starting tomorrow morning and lasting until ????. I don’t give a shit about you and we won’t miss each other.

Enjoy your pornography, reddit and bitcoins.

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Buy a child today!

Editor’s note: Media Mogul won’t be seeing this, then!

A man's life in these parts often depends on a mere scrap of information.

Why Chronicle.SU is completely irrelevant

In the wake of cablegate, one pathetic excuse of a blog decided to go to war on Anonymous. This blog is known as Chronicle.SU, and its writer(s) are insanely delusional egomaniacs who think they make a difference. There is almost no comedic value to this “satire” blog, which is dedicated to spinning every event in cyber war as a victory for the enemies of Anonymous.

This all began when a writer for Chronicle.SU was banned from the AnonOps #AnonNews channel for complaining about the threatening public relations of Anonymous. In response to this ban, the writer attacked AnonNews with criticism of their advertisement sales. This was met with massive derision from Anonymous, and the author claimed it was an epic act of “trolling”. We all knew he was just butthurt, so we left hundreds of hateful comments and veiled threats on Chronicle.SU to prove it, as their traffic spiked into the tens of thousands. We decided not to follow through with our threats because it would have just given the troll more attention.

This butthurt failtroll then released “dox” of himself in a desperate plea for more attention, after the initial wave of Anon hatred wore off. These dox included a gay e-mail to a gay ex-girlfriend, replete with the deepest levels of faggotry ever seen on the internet. It was posted on AnonNews hundreds of times, but the shameless Chronicle.SU continued its campaign of spamming anti-anonymous propaganda. The quality and style of writing were barely above Anonspeak. Anonymous now had its very own Rush Limbaugh, combining entertainment and propaganda in a single mind-warping RSS feed full of paranoid conspiracy theories laced with impossibly vast quantities of narcissism.

As a final act of complete desperation, the writer(s) at Chronicle.SU began a fearmongering campaign to scare Anons away from both AnonNews and AnonOps. Citing the privacy gap of Google’s reCAPTCHA service – as implemented by AnonNews – Chronicle.SU successfully scared away many negative commenters who were critical of their “satire”. Chronicle.SU broke a story accusing Barrett Brown of leading activists into the “FBI infested” AnonOps chat rooms. Brown retaliated by calling the writer at Chronicle.SU a faggot and subsequently quit Anonymous to continue his own project elsewhere.

Despite the “dox,” it is still not clear exactly who is behind Chronicle.SU. Some have alleged that they are a collective of unknown individuals who write only when they feel Anonymous has overstepped its bounds. Others believe they are a psy-ops campaign run by the CIA or the KGB. However, the “subversive” Chronicle.SU is not important at all, and has had no effect on Anonymous whatsoever. The most likely scenario is that Chronicle.SU is one angry butthurt faggot who got banned from AnonOps and is a virgin because he has no girlfriend. Also, he has no idea how to hack. Hence, Chronicle.SU is completely irrelevant.