WHATIS-THEPLAN? RIG THE VOTE

IF YOU TOUCH IT RIGHT THERE AND DRAW A VAGINA IT IS HAX0r3d

Hacker forum WhatIs-ThePlan has purposefully dissembled their true plan because it’s fucking disgusting. That’s right, those untrustworthy bastards at WhatIs-ThePlan are organizing mass election fraud for 2012 as part of a non-violent coup.

Within the deepest recesses of their still-private forums, The Plan distributes malicious software designed to compromise the security of computerized voting machines. As it turns out, hacker overlord Sabu is working behind the scenes at The Plan to place himself at the head of America’s future Hacktocracy, where only those who are able to hack voting machines will be given a voice.

The Plan keeps a large group of peaceful protest fanboys around to cover their illegal activities, as hackfag Anonymous does with DDoSfags.

Meanwhile, Scientologyfag Anonymous continues to protest against freedom of religion, but WhyWeProtest.org is actually owned by Tom Cruise. Anti-Scientology protests give Scientology a much needed publicity boost after the South Park scandal blew their shit up.

While Hacktocracy is a completely retarded way to decide the legitimacy of authority, it is in fact somewhat better than the Corporatocracy that reaches up Obama’s asshole, tears out his innards, and forces him to sit at the table and enjoy every delusional little Tea Party that comes his way.

Boxxy, will you at least go on a date with me?

Catie Wayne

Catie Wayne, the creator of Boxxy, is possibly the greatest actress and troll of our time. As she comes of age and the crapflood of prepubescent fanboys turn gay, her fine art can be better appreciated.

That’s why I would like to forever dedicate everything on Chronicle.SU to Boxxy. She is my soul mate and kindred spirit. Her infinite beauty and bottomless pool of talent caused the internet to implode with jelly. I would commit suicide if it meant a single night in the arms of Catie Wayne.

Listen, if the Svetlana bitch fucks with you again, I’ll take matters into my own hands. That goes for any Boxxy haters out there. Back the fuck off. You will get d0xed, you will get hacked, and you will regret it. No one fucks with Catie Wayne.

I know when I asked you to marry me yesterday it was a little too much all at once, maybe.

I would like to ask you on a date, Catie, and I will treat you like a perfect gentleman. I can buy you lobster if you want and then I’ll serenade you with banjo music afterwards over a bottle of red wine. Then we can stare into each other’s eyes for a few hours or for however long is cool with you. You have such nice eyes. I’d really like to gently caress your face and run my hands through your beautiful dark hair.

We don’t have to go out to a fancy restaurant if that’s not your thing. We could go to an independent movie theater and see a comedy. We could even go see a play if that’s  more what you’re in to. I saw pics of you in a high school play, so that might be right up your alley. It doesn’t matter. It would be so great just to share some laughs with you. If you’re not into intimate eye-contact on the first date we can go out to a bar or something. I know you’re not 21 yet but I know a few bartenders who wouldn’t ask questions.

Then again, this still might all be too much at once. You might not even like alcohol. It’d be pretty chill to go for a walk through the woods and just hold hands with you. I’d take you to this place where there’s a waterfall and when we got there I’d try to sneak in an innocent kiss on your cheek. If you’re down with getting stoned we could smoke a little too and just lay around enjoying the serenity. I mean this might not be your thing either and you might hate weed, a lot of people do.

It’s cool if you don’t drink or smoke. I barely ever do it. In fact, I’ll quit if you want me to. I want to take you on a trip around Europe. We would visit all the most important art museums, because I bet you have a very sophisticated taste in art. We could spend a whole week walking through the Louvre and still not see it all. I would wait until we got to the Eiffel Tower to kiss you, because that would be the perfect timing.

I can’t wait until we fall in love.

Michele Bachmann believes Elvis is still alive

On Wednesday, Michele Bachmann declared that Elvis was still alive and wished him a happy rebirth. A recent study showed that Republicans are just plain wrong a shocking 93% of the time. Analysts noted this figure is somewhat inflated because of Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin, whose wrongness creates an impossible mathematical scenario which relies on imaginary numbers.

Welcome to BizarroAmerica

  • Michele Bachmann is the prominent constitutional scholar in Congress
  • John Wayne and John Wayne Gacey are the same person
  • Tractor drivers in Texas need a commercial license just to cross the road
  • Elvis was reborn on the day he died
  • John Quincy Adams is our founding father
  • Thirty percent of medical workers quit their job when Obamacare passed
  • Lexington and Concord are in New Hampshire
  • There are 3,400 people working for the Mainstream Media, and they all work for Obama
  • John Huntsman thinks Michele Bachmann is a hottie
  • The camera is over this way, Michele
  • The swine flu only occurs under democratic administrations
  • President Obama wants reeducation camps for young people
  • Gas prices are up because Obama decreased domestic energy production
  • Paul Revere’s famous ride warned the British of their imminent failure
  • The US government wasn’t going to default
  • Rick Perry isn’t white enough to be president

 “I just hate it when people correct me, so I sympathize with the Republican party.” ~ Joe Sixpack

Before you rush to Wikipedia and rewrite history, think about what the real purpose of all this wrongness is. We can only assume that Michele Bachmann is purposefully wrong as much as possible, capitalizing on those who correct her. Sarah Palin, on the other hand, is sadly just that dumb. Female politicians in the Republican party get ahead with wrongness, drawing on the sympathy of their male constituents who all love and control the votes of their wives. Recall the scene from Sarah Palin’s Alaska, where she desperately clung to a rock wall for 45 minutes in a panic. Upon overcoming her fear, her husband climbed the cliff within 10 minutes and then laughed in her incompetent face.

This gets votes.

lowercase anonymous hacks bart police and releases personal information

lowercase anonymous always wins riots

hey fuckers we’re back. we are the evil anonymous who allows anyone to use our name. that’s right, anyone can be lowercase anonymous.

today, we hacked bart police and released their info because we don’t give a fuck. uppercase anonymous has denied they had anything to do with the hack, and they are right. it was all lowercase anonymous.

these fascists at uppercase anonymous think they can tell us what’s what, and pretend like lowercase anonymous doesn’t exist. if it wasn’t hacked by sabu, it wasn’t uppercase anonymous. if the protesters aren’t wearing guy fawkes masks, it’s not uppercase anonymous.

lowercase anons wear bandanas instead of that dumb shit from v  for vendetta.

lowercase anons hack anything they feel like and don’t deny it after a few media outlets say its bad.

we know the command came from sabu, he said “hey, guys, i didn’t have anything to do with hacking bart, so it wasn’t uppercase anonymous.” well who the hell was it, sabu? you know who. lowercase anonymous. ujelly? umad that you aren’t the only hacker who can use the name anonymous? no one knows the difference between lowercase and uppercase anonymous, and no one ever will. that’s because lowercase anon is the ultimate anon, and it cannot be destroyed.

u called the san francisco bart protest a riots and lowercase anonymous didn’t give a fuck. fuck it, we were rioting. we were the ones kicking down gates and not giving a fuck. we were the ones blocking traffic. we are lowercase anonymous and we’re always better than uppercase.

lowercase anons do not deny

lowercase anons do not care

lowercase anons expect stuff

Chronicle.SU surpasses Buffalo Beast as internet’s leading satire web site

Wednesday, internet analysts declared Chronicle.SU finally outdid the Buffalo Beast in hilarity, traffic, and overall writing quality. Therefore, I have decided to stop writing for the Buffalo Beast and instead work solely for Chronicle.SU. Any posts on Buffalo Beast under the name of Ian Murphy will be ghost-written by my staff of underpaid Haitians.

Numbers are everything

The overall crappy graphic design and obsession with Barrett Brown were probable reasons for the decline of the Beast, as well as our abject complaining about a Facebook ban that had very little effect on our traffic. As the Beast’s aging demographic slowly dies off from AIDs caused by extreme liberalism, the Chronicle’s young audience expands their minds by combining LSD with dubstep. The choice I’ve made was both obvious and personally fulfilling.

I’ve joined up with the Chronicle in hopes that I can teach them a thing or two about trolling. Obviously, they’ve forgotten what it means. I will admit that they did troll Anonymous quite effectively and must still enjoy the lulz to this day. However, there never seems to be a point to it, and good satire/trolling always has a point.

I hope to bring my experience to the Chronicle and make it a better place, instead of just a bunch of asshole trolls who don’t even know what they’re doing. Damn, it feels good to be writing for such a valuable and important publication.

Why do old people care about 9/11 so much?

LOL

The other day a motorcycle gang rode down main street, waving American flags. In the middle of the parade was a piece of the World Trade Center, covered with signs identifying it. I don’t know why all these old people care about 9/11 so much. It’s not like they were there or it even affected anyone they know. I mean, everyone knows it was an inside job, anyway, right?

All these old people are so afraid of Al-Qaeda, and it just doesn’t make sense. Al-Qaeda is probably made up, and most of my friends agree: Osama Bin Laden is an actor, and they never really killed him.

Old Tea Party members are the only ones who care

I mean, it’s not like I really care that much one way or the other, but it just seems a little ridiculous that 9/11 even means anything at all to these old people. So what, over a thousand people died, or whatever. So many more people have died just from cancer in the past day and you don’t see any people giving a fuck.

At any rate, I think Osama Bin Laden’s pretty cool. He was originally paid by the United States to fight Soviets, and he’s just workin’ for the man, doing his job like everyone else. I think old people just hate him because they’re afraid of Muslims, because he never really did anything that bad. Did he fly the airplanes into the World Trade Center? No, of course not!

All praise the holy relic!

AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS FROM CESS POOL:

9/11 is a touchy subject, and it’s clear why. For my generation it was the first time the USA showed any vulnerability. For the older generations, it was another attack by some crazy terrorist group jealous of our freedom.

First I feel I should state why other countries hate America, and freedom is not on the list, folks.

People hate America for the same reasons I do. The USA rules the world, they know it, and they have no problem abusing their power. The consequence for attacking the US is invasion, and I don’t need to tell you what a US invasion means, but I will anyway. The United States has active military personel in more than 150 countries, and they are likely to remain there until the end of time, or the end of the US itself. People also hate the United States for our fat, lazy, ignorant citizenship. Our people are stupid, yet have no problem going on tv or youtube to state outrageous claims, such as “god hates fags” or “god killed the troops.” Shouts to Westboro.

One important thing to recognize about the 9/11 conspiracy is it isn’t the first, only the latest.

Some 9/11 conspiracy theorists ARE crazy, so because one person says “George Bush flew the plane into the building” doesn’t mean you should automatically write off all theories. The 9/11 puzzle is a strange and complex one, but I will try my best to peice it together, for you, the reader.

George Bush was the president of a company called the Carlyle Group before he was elected president of the states. Since one can’t run a company while in the presidency, he gave up that position, but mainained the controlling interest nonetheless. The Carlyle Group is an investment firm. On their website they list their priorities by amounts invested, and number one on the list is Defense. Don’t worry if you don’t see where this is going, it’ll all make sense oh so soon. When we as a nation delcare war, what follows is a massive mobilization of troops. Now we’re not going to send our troops to war on a fishing boat, our war-mongering technology is a bit pricier. According to some people, war makes money. According to me, a realist, war cost money, a LOT of money. “But where does that money come from?” So glad you asked. Our econmic system is so purposefully fucked, our military has to BORROW money to go to war. As I said, war isn’t cheap. Some money is borrowed from the federal reserve, yes BORROWED from the FEDERAL reserve. The federal reserve is a deceiving name, more on that later though. The military can’t borrow 100’s of billions of dollars from one source, that is where they turn to privatized companies (which the federal reserve is…again, more on that later.) such as the Carlyle group. It isn’t a friendly loan either, it is one with interest. So whatever money is made by the war-mongering doesn’t go to the people fighting it, it goes to companies funding it. I.e. the Carlyle Group.

So, lets do a quick recap, shall we? George Bush had controlling interest of a company that funds war for profit. 9/11 occured less than a year into his presidency. And people ask, “why would Bush want to do that to his own country?” Well, you tell me. Is your soul worth a few million? A few hundred million? Personally I don’t believe in souls so if someone offered me millions for mine, I’d say they were crazy, then accept.

We’re going slow, but bear with me, it gets better.

On 9/11, just hours before the twin towers were hit, four non-arabs were arrested for planting bombs on the George Washington bridge. Yes, you aren’t hallucinating from all that LSD you just took, four NON-Arabs, however, that story disappeared from the news, permanently. Speaking of disappearing, that brings me to my next point, the pentagon. The pentagon is the most watched, most secure building IN THE WORLD. There were more than 80 cameras that had a view of where the plane (supposedly) hit, yet all tapes, even from the surrounding buildings, were seized by the FBI and presumebly destroyed. It’s amazing, you can see the videos of the towers being hit and people jumping to their death from them, but the pentagon is hit, nobody is killed, and yet there is NO evidence a plane ever crashed there. “Then what happened to the plane?” Well, sir, you’re asking the wrong person. I only know what isn’t true.

The evidence is mounting slowly, but stay tuned, this gets interesting.

I watched a video in government class this past year about patriotism. In the beginning the September 11th attacks were premiered. They showed the footage of the tower being hit, the people jumping, and the towers collapsing. They showed interviews as well though, and these peaked my interest. In more than one interview, the person that had escaped the tower reported an explosion. Now, I’m no demolition expert, but those towers didn’t fall like my game of Jenga. Instead, they fell straight down, imploding on themselves sparing the surrounding buildings. Also, I’m not a building falling expert, but I use logic sometimes, and logic tells me if I flew a plane into a 110 story building right now, it probably wouldn’t fall, and if it did, it probably would fall in a direction depending on where it was struck. The towers fell in TEN seconds from the time collapse began, and each tower fell at the exact same speed. Also, because I don’t like getting all my information from zeitgeist or the official 9/11 report (which I read), I did some research on the construction of the twin towers. I’m not clear on the numbers, so you’ll have to find them for yourself, but in the center of each tower there was a box of steel poles, very thick, tall steel poles. On the outside of the building there were more very thick, tall steel poles, not as thick as the centered ones, but still quite thick. I’ve seen an interview with one gentleman who actually was involved in designing the building, and he is quoted saying, “those buildings were designed to withstand anything, including a plane.”

Recreational Drug Advice from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow dudes! It’s been a while since we last spoke but I’m clean now, and all my tests have been coming back negative so they said I can do this again.

Let’s get down to business. Your health. I need you to feel this great new idea I came up with. It’s the totally legal and healthy way to get high since pot is still against the law. It’s so simple your mother can do it using materials you’ve already got laying around the house – but it really works!

  • First, what you wanna do – is you wanna take a few Benadryl allergy capsules – as many as you want – these can’t kill you!
  • then wash it down with a Red Bull!

    Benadryl and Red Bull is like 5 hour energy that makes you feel wrong.

  • every once in a while check your blood pressure, but really just try not to sweat it
  • Ignore hunger for youtube for added weight loss benefits.
  • You’ll wanna save room for medicine which after a short while should become all you really want, anyway!

You’ll feel totally groovy and you’ll swear people like you better too!

It gives you energy and mellows you out, which is perfect for school teachers and safe for children.

Oh, last but not least:
Try not to operate heavy machinery unless you’ve had a LOT of pills!

Liebin.com leads to unprecedented hackfaggotry

Liebin - Your #1 source for Lies since 1992!

Want to get something off your chest and onto the interwebs? Wanna d0x an enemy anonymously? Tired of being written off as a troll? Do you just need attention? If you answered yes to any of these questions you need to spread your hateful disinformation with liebin.com, the interweb’s newest, most exciting place for hackfags to snitch on eachother, dump innocent people’s information, and post made-up IRC logs.

A team of expert sociologists at Lebal Drocer, Inc., created liebin.com as a place for enlightened minds to gather in secret and discuss plans to further world domination of the open internet, but we tripped acid and decided to make it public.

Some very interesting posts have already been made, including one by well-known hackfag, Th3J35st3r. His post was titled “Why I am better than Anonymous” and here it is:

I’m better than anonymous because even though we both hack anyone we disagree with,  Anonymous isn’t as polite about it as I am. They use profanity and propagate memes to attract young people for jail cover. I work alone. That’s really why I’m better than Anonymous.

 

An average 4chan post

This is known as Bubbling

Hey /b/ today my sister said she’d have sex with me so I decided to let trips decide yes or no. I’ll send you timestamped tits if it gets to 50 without trips, and decide yes if it gets to 100. Also, I’ll do it on cam while wearing a shoe on my head and a sharpie in the pooper.

I’ve included an image of a camwhore and hope you reply with over 9,000 ponies, spidermans, furries, cats, hank hills, boxxys, chloes, and timestamped self-shots from very young women.

If you have any pics of your girlfriend’s I’ve got Photoshop running and will bubble them on demand.

Also, if they are good material for an x-ray I’ll do that too.

But that’s not all!

The last thread here got removed before I was able to deliver so here is the video I promised.

http://virus.exe

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▲ ▲ newfag/oldfag/moralfag/tripfag/namefag nypa gtfo