New Game Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 Makes Imperialism Fun Again

Hold onto your rights, because War just went global!

Respawn Entertainment, founded by top developers from Infinity Ward, maker of the bestselling Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series have announced plans to release a new game they say will allow players to enjoy the gut wrenching realism of indefinite military occupations.

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Co-creator and sadomasochist Frank West said all people deserve to witness, and even partake in, the atrocities of war.

“We thought, why should brown people be the only ones lucky to experience the horrors of modern warfare? With Modern Occupation 2, we want to bring the nightmarish reality of war into every American’s living room.”

Vincent Zampella, co-founder of Respawn Entertainment said, “We want to move gameplay away from the kill or be killed mindset. I am fucking sick of it, you’re sick of it and we all want the emails to stop. In Modern Occupation 2, every advancement presents a gray area in which gamers are forced to make split second decisions that may affect them for the rest of their lives – in some cases, more horrifically than war itself; for instance, your character may come down with PTSD if you shoot an unarmed child. Conversely, this is likely to occur even if the child is armed.”

In a live demo, very small children carrying toys and presents walked up to the player to give him gifts of baked goods – but as it happened, Sonjay’s teddy bear actuated a thermite bomb in the bread basket, killing everyone on screen. Leading up to random events such as these, the decision to shoot on sight is in the hands of the player.

An Afghani clears away rubble, but not fast enough.
The decision to execute this man may fall on your shoulders.

Civilian kills are penalized, but if the gamer can turn a murder into an accidental suicide, or frame the bodies to look like insurgents – either by planting guns around their homes or, during online play, calling on other players to support an alibi before his commanding officer – then he will no longer face court marshal and play continues.

However unlike previous iterations of the Call of Duty franchise, which pitted gamers against the Taliban in Afghanistan and challenged them to defend Northern Virginia from Russian invaders, Zampella said Modern Occupation 2 is variably paced.

“For example, in Realistic Mode, a player may find himself standing watch for ten, twelve hours at a time – changing only to adjust for his or her declining opinion of the military industrial complex.”

Additionally, as with any occupation, the political landscape plays an important role. Players may suddenly “disappear” or find that they’ve been targeted for political assassination if, during online play for example, gamers of the same faction invaded Pakistan’s airspace to the chagrin of a terrorist-sympathizing Presidential body, dozens of Seal Team Six may be deliberately targeted for assassination by groups allied forces never expect.

West said, “War games have become so realistic by now, that if children aren’t balled up in front of their televisions in the fetal position, in fresh puddles of their own urine, then we aren’t doing our jobs right.”

A press release posted Saturday on Respawn Entertainment’s website said the company hopes to get Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 out while images of ground-based occupations are still revolting to American audiences. Videogame industry insiders fear many gamers are becoming more rapidly desensitized with each new release, which market analysts believe could cut into profits.

American audiences were enamored by the non-stop carnage of Capcom’s mid-summer release of African Vengeance: Genocidal Rapestorm, in which gamers are challenged to saw a Somalian woman’s arms off while simultaneously gang-fucking her in a flaming blood-spattered hut, or be shot for insubordination.

“I loved circumcising young girls in the bush, but after a while it was just a button-masher,” said eleven year old Kevin Jones of Boston, Mass. When asked what changes Kevin thinks would improve upon his favorite war game, he said, “More mini games like where I get to shove hot phosphorous in my enemy’s eyes using the Wii mote. That was so fun!”

Facing stiff competition from all sides, West said they are comfortable pushing back the release of Modern Occupation 2 to give developers a chance to add features he hopes will keep bloodthirsty fans coming back for more. Some new features include torture chambers, mini-games in which the player herds civilians into cages, and various rage meters West said will gauge a character’s contempt for the people he is enlisted to protect, adding a whole new tier of depth through multipliers and hate crimes.

If pushed back, gamers can expect to unleash their xenophobia on the digital world just in time for the holiday season.

EGYPT IS HACKING MY GMAILZ, BARRETT BROWN U LOSE

My wildest dreams to be hacked by Anonymous have finally come true

Someone in Egypt with a limited understanding of the English language might read Chronicle.SU and see it as something threatening. However, this is only because of the language barrier. It’s okay. I’m not afraid of being [email protected] and have been preparing a bottle of the finest Pabst Blue Ribbon for this day. Yeah motherfucker, it’s time to get drunk. Poor Egyptians probably don’t even have Pabst. Let’s hope the Arab spring blows some your way. Most likely, this [email protected] lives in Gaza, and is just using Egyptian proxies. It would be pretty silly if that were his actual IP, wouldn’t it?

Meanwhile, Barrett Brown is losing the war against Echelon2, also known as Project Oddysey.

What else can I screencap, as proof of my superiority? After all, numbers and hacks ARE everything. I bet no one even cares to hack [email protected] Who would even try? Barrett Brown won’t write for us and Ian Murphy won’t either. I even gave Murphy an account. Well, feel free to pawn it off on your little troll Barrett, he might change his mind when he sees how much attention we get. AND TALK ABOUT CHICKENSHIT. HOLY CRIPES BARRETT BROWN WHY’D YOU HAVE TO POST THAT SHIT TO REDDIT? DO YOU LOVE BEING HATED?

It’s not slimy enough to covertly record a roommate dispute; no, you had to post it to Reddit for the whole world to see. See how I used a semicolon to prove that I understand good writingzorz? You took down the video, so I just have to imagine you standing there, rambling with a cigarette in your mouth about how you’ve written for all sorts of important publications. In these cocky speeches, do you usually mention your appearance on Fox News where your little virgin asshole got torn apart by vicious professional haterapers? Do you mention the part where lowercase anonymous kicked you out of anonymous? HELL NO.

IF YOU CANT STAND THE TROLLZ STAY OFF THE ITNERNETZ.

Adrian Chen knows about Boxxy

 

BREAKING: This just in: It was reported moments ago that Gawker writer Adrian Chin is aware of the existence and activities of internet celebrity boxxy [boxybabee]. Stay tuned for the latest updates.

WHATIS-THEPLAN? RIG THE VOTE

IF YOU TOUCH IT RIGHT THERE AND DRAW A VAGINA IT IS HAX0r3d

Hacker forum WhatIs-ThePlan has purposefully dissembled their true plan because it’s fucking disgusting. That’s right, those untrustworthy bastards at WhatIs-ThePlan are organizing mass election fraud for 2012 as part of a non-violent coup.

Within the deepest recesses of their still-private forums, The Plan distributes malicious software designed to compromise the security of computerized voting machines. As it turns out, hacker overlord Sabu is working behind the scenes at The Plan to place himself at the head of America’s future Hacktocracy, where only those who are able to hack voting machines will be given a voice.

The Plan keeps a large group of peaceful protest fanboys around to cover their illegal activities, as hackfag Anonymous does with DDoSfags.

Meanwhile, Scientologyfag Anonymous continues to protest against freedom of religion, but WhyWeProtest.org is actually owned by Tom Cruise. Anti-Scientology protests give Scientology a much needed publicity boost after the South Park scandal blew their shit up.

While Hacktocracy is a completely retarded way to decide the legitimacy of authority, it is in fact somewhat better than the Corporatocracy that reaches up Obama’s asshole, tears out his innards, and forces him to sit at the table and enjoy every delusional little Tea Party that comes his way.

Boxxy, will you at least go on a date with me?

Catie Wayne

Catie Wayne, the creator of Boxxy, is possibly the greatest actress and troll of our time. As she comes of age and the crapflood of prepubescent fanboys turn gay, her fine art can be better appreciated.

That’s why I would like to forever dedicate everything on Chronicle.SU to Boxxy. She is my soul mate and kindred spirit. Her infinite beauty and bottomless pool of talent caused the internet to implode with jelly. I would commit suicide if it meant a single night in the arms of Catie Wayne.

Listen, if the Svetlana bitch fucks with you again, I’ll take matters into my own hands. That goes for any Boxxy haters out there. Back the fuck off. You will get d0xed, you will get hacked, and you will regret it. No one fucks with Catie Wayne.

I know when I asked you to marry me yesterday it was a little too much all at once, maybe.

I would like to ask you on a date, Catie, and I will treat you like a perfect gentleman. I can buy you lobster if you want and then I’ll serenade you with banjo music afterwards over a bottle of red wine. Then we can stare into each other’s eyes for a few hours or for however long is cool with you. You have such nice eyes. I’d really like to gently caress your face and run my hands through your beautiful dark hair.

We don’t have to go out to a fancy restaurant if that’s not your thing. We could go to an independent movie theater and see a comedy. We could even go see a play if that’s  more what you’re in to. I saw pics of you in a high school play, so that might be right up your alley. It doesn’t matter. It would be so great just to share some laughs with you. If you’re not into intimate eye-contact on the first date we can go out to a bar or something. I know you’re not 21 yet but I know a few bartenders who wouldn’t ask questions.

Then again, this still might all be too much at once. You might not even like alcohol. It’d be pretty chill to go for a walk through the woods and just hold hands with you. I’d take you to this place where there’s a waterfall and when we got there I’d try to sneak in an innocent kiss on your cheek. If you’re down with getting stoned we could smoke a little too and just lay around enjoying the serenity. I mean this might not be your thing either and you might hate weed, a lot of people do.

It’s cool if you don’t drink or smoke. I barely ever do it. In fact, I’ll quit if you want me to. I want to take you on a trip around Europe. We would visit all the most important art museums, because I bet you have a very sophisticated taste in art. We could spend a whole week walking through the Louvre and still not see it all. I would wait until we got to the Eiffel Tower to kiss you, because that would be the perfect timing.

I can’t wait until we fall in love.

Michele Bachmann believes Elvis is still alive

On Wednesday, Michele Bachmann declared that Elvis was still alive and wished him a happy rebirth. A recent study showed that Republicans are just plain wrong a shocking 93% of the time. Analysts noted this figure is somewhat inflated because of Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin, whose wrongness creates an impossible mathematical scenario which relies on imaginary numbers.

Welcome to BizarroAmerica

  • Michele Bachmann is the prominent constitutional scholar in Congress
  • John Wayne and John Wayne Gacey are the same person
  • Tractor drivers in Texas need a commercial license just to cross the road
  • Elvis was reborn on the day he died
  • John Quincy Adams is our founding father
  • Thirty percent of medical workers quit their job when Obamacare passed
  • Lexington and Concord are in New Hampshire
  • There are 3,400 people working for the Mainstream Media, and they all work for Obama
  • John Huntsman thinks Michele Bachmann is a hottie
  • The camera is over this way, Michele
  • The swine flu only occurs under democratic administrations
  • President Obama wants reeducation camps for young people
  • Gas prices are up because Obama decreased domestic energy production
  • Paul Revere’s famous ride warned the British of their imminent failure
  • The US government wasn’t going to default
  • Rick Perry isn’t white enough to be president

 “I just hate it when people correct me, so I sympathize with the Republican party.” ~ Joe Sixpack

Before you rush to Wikipedia and rewrite history, think about what the real purpose of all this wrongness is. We can only assume that Michele Bachmann is purposefully wrong as much as possible, capitalizing on those who correct her. Sarah Palin, on the other hand, is sadly just that dumb. Female politicians in the Republican party get ahead with wrongness, drawing on the sympathy of their male constituents who all love and control the votes of their wives. Recall the scene from Sarah Palin’s Alaska, where she desperately clung to a rock wall for 45 minutes in a panic. Upon overcoming her fear, her husband climbed the cliff within 10 minutes and then laughed in her incompetent face.

This gets votes.