President Obama pardons whistleblower Bradley Manning

Obama pardoned Manning with the click of a button, after he was found guilty in a verdict Tuesday.
Obama pardoned Manning with the click of a button, after he was found guilty in a verdict Tuesday.

WASHINGTON — In a remarkable reversal of policy, President Obama held a press conference at the White House Tuesday afternoon in which he announced a pardon for Bradley Manning, the whistleblower who uncovered millions of embarrassing American diplomatic files. Standing at a podium with the presidential laptop, President Obama clicked a button which officially confirmed Manning’s pardon. President Obama said, “Did you think I’d really let him rot in a gulag for the rest of his life? This is America! It’s been hell for the State Department since WikiLeaks got a hold of all those files, and we’ve been nearly paralyzed, but what counts are Manning’s good intentions and touching personal story. I’m now inclined to agree with his supporters that America is becoming an evil empire. But I won’t let it continue.”

President Obama fielded questions from reporters, but refused to speak with the mainstream media, instead opting to interact with scrappy-looking members of the independent media who livestreamed the event with ad hoc broadcast gear strapped to their bodies. One citizen reporter asked President Obama if he planned to continue the process of healing international relations, and the President responded, “I plan to tour all the nations that have been unfair subjects of our imperialism and personally apologize. We won’t just apologize this time, but we will reverse the policies which have paralyzed our diplomacy and unfairly benefited American interests.”

Another reporter questioned President Obama about a possible pardon for Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker who uncovered massive surveillance systems targeting not only US citizens, but the entire internet. Obama said, “Snowden may have been an agent for Russia or China, and we can’t rule that possibility out just yet. If his touching story turns out to be legitimate, then yes, I’d pardon him, but it’s too soon to tell. As for the surveillance on US citizens, we’ve pulled the plug on that program entirely. It’s not helping us catch terrorists and it costs far too much, but even more importantly, it’s an insult to the American people. It says our judgement is too clouded by fear to trust the American people with the liberty of privacy, and we can’t be guided by that kind of paranoid thinking.”

One livestreamer asked President Obama about human rights abuses and force-feeding at Guantanamo Bay, and the President responded, “The force feeding going on there is disgusting. I promised to shut down Guantanamo Bay, and now we’re finally pulling the plug on it.” The President scowled at the mainstream media, and almost sneeered, “If maximum security American prisons aren’t good enough for terrorists, then what are they good for?”

Obama was later seen shirtless, sporting the Nobel Peace Prize around his neck on a gold chain, playing pick up basketball with poverty-stricken children who have no access to health care or college education.

Sue Basko Hatemail Central

Sue Brasko
Sue Brasko

Here at the Internet Chronicle we rarely, if ever, receive hatemail thanks to our impeccable human rights record. It seems, however, that two articles have upset a famous lawyer who is widely known for being a “highly intelligent, highly educated, very personable, very caring, good person,” or at least that’s how Sue Basko characterized herself after sending us a battery of insulting e-mails.

I’ve seen the Rustle League torment this “lawyer,” something I took no part in, and they now use a “Basko” as the standard unit for measuring easy trolling targets. In one satiric article, I did write up a quick caricature of Basko and clued in readers that it was a joke by changing her name to “Brasko.” In another article about her “client,” Aaron Bale, Basko’s connection to a very strange press release is given a skeptical glance. One update to this article included information taken from a chat log attributed to Bale, which may or may not be legitimate, and after a complaint from Basko I included an extra disclaimer. That wasn’t enough. Basko went into full hate mode. Her email has been included in blockquotes, and my email response is in italics.

DEFAMATION REMOVAL DEMAND// LEGAL ACTION WARNING

CHRONICLE:  THIS MUST BE REMOVED IMMEDIATELY in full:

http://www.chronicle.su/news/aaron-bale-raided-according-to-press-release/

IF IT IS NOT, YOU WILL FACE LEGAL ACTION. You have been warned twice already.

Also, your “publication” must remove any and all mention to me and to any of my clients, including Aaron Bale.  Your publication  must remove all falsehoods and garbage in which I am called “Sue Brasko,” and fake photos of me are posted.

The photo is a joke meant to characterize your online persona, and I used the name Sue Brasko in the satirical article to clue people in that it is a joke. I do not care if you find it funny or not. If I had to remove everything someone out there thought wasn’t funny, I’d no longer be able to write anything.
The “writer” “Kilgoar” is not a good writer, posts lies, posts defamation (insulting lies). This “article” is filled with nothing but defamation. Much of it is defamation per se, meaning it is such bad defamation on its face that damages are assumed.
THIS ARTICLE ALSO ENGAGES IN OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE against Aaron Bale. “Kilgoar” is posting lies intentionally, trying to interfere with an FBI / NSA investigation.
[NSA investigation? Seriously?]
The article linked above uses indeterminate language, “Chat logs show claims,” and I even updated the article despite the insulting tone of your complaint, because I am actually interested in getting to the truth behind Aaron Bale — excuse me — Cliff Potts and his laughable press release.
 IN addition, this sick person “Kilgoar” has engaged long term in a hate and lies against me and my clients and those I assist.
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. For the record, I have no personal feelings against you, even after emails like this. I do feel a bit sorry because they seem to indicate an emotional problem.
[I wrote one silly story and now I’m involved in a long term hate campaign!]
This person MUST CEASE AND DESIST.  YOUR “PUBLICATION,” ITS OWNERS, ETC CAN BE SUED FOR DEFAMATION AND OTHER CAUSES OF ACTION BASED ON THIS.
IN ADDITION, we are filing criminal complaints against “Kilgoar” for posting links to false IRC chats and now for posting falsehoods against Aaron Bale. 
You are allowing a mentally disturbed, demented, unprofessional, dangerously deceitful  person to write for you.

Please understand that I amended the article with all pertinent information after you claimed these were false IRC logs. Remember I never framed them as true to begin with. It would be unreasonable, and in fact irresponsible, for me to dismiss these chat logs altogether. As for “falsehoods against Aaron Bale,” you haven’t named any specific things you’d like me to look into or possibly fix. I will not respond to bullying like this, as you have no interest in correcting any possible mistakes or even mentioning them — you just want to scare me into taking the article down with no legal basis.

PLEASE NOTE:  We have received extortionate emails and are having those traced.  We strongly suspect those came from “Kilgoar.”  The FBI is also investigating those emails, because it is a person trying to create an obstruction of justice.

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE TRYING TO INTERFERE WITH AARON BALE, other than “Kilgoar.”  This same sick person “Kilgoar” also attempted to meddle in the case of “Aaron Socio.”
I am inclined to believe you are a persona created by Bale.
I’ll get you, and your little dog, too! What a world, what world! [Basko then melts]
 That last part wasn’t really in her email, but it sums up the responses that came next.

Re: DEFAMATION REMOVAL DEMAND// LEGAL ACTION WARNING

To “Kilgoar” and the Chronicle.Su Owners:

 You have been asked politely to remove the “articles” because they are lies, defamations, smears, and misinfo.
My next step is to file a lawsuit against you/ the Chronicle, and/or to report you to the FBI for interference in my legal work and in their investigations, as well as for repeat online harassment.
My online persona, as well as my in-person persona, is of a highly intelligent, highly educated, very personable, very caring, good person.  I am called upon regularly to assist both nationally and internationally with situations involving media, internet, and the law.
The fact that you need to tell lies about this, and smear me, shows what you are about.  And it isn’t good.
When you mock and lie about a good, helpful intelligent person – -that does not make you look smart. It makes you look bad, unhelpful, and stupid – – which is how everyone views you.  You are what you do, and that is what you do.
— Susan Basko, Lawyer

DAFAMATION DEMAND FOLLOW-UP

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

The Chronicle.SU and “Kilgoar” have published lies, defamation, false photographs, links to false materials, etc. against both me and my clients.
I have previously sent a take-down demand.  I received an utterly asinine response sent from “Kilgoar.”
My next step is to file a lawsuit against the Chronicle and its “writer,” and/or to file FBI complaints for continuous internet harassment, interference with my legal work, interference and trying to frame one of my clients, creation of false evidence, etc.
I will also publicize and spread the word to any and all of your advertisers that you are doing this, along with the moronic  responses from “Kilgoar.”
MY INTENTION IS TO BEGIN THIS EVENING.
Sincerely,
Susan Basko

ATTENTION: CHRONICLE.SU / “KILGOAR”

The Chronicle.su and the “writer” using the pseudonym Kilgoar have posted a photograph of Aaron Bale the copyright of which is owned by Aaron Bale.  The photograph has appeared on Chronicle.su numerous times as well as on links posted by “kilgoar” on Twitter.
Use of the photo is a violation of Copyright law and can subject you to payment of up to $150,000 for each violation/ use.  Willful use of the photo can also be punished as a criminal offense.
ANY USE OF THE PHOTO AFTER THIS NOTICE HAS BEEN SENT SHALL BE DEEMED WILLFUL.
You do not have permission to use ANY photo of Aaron Bale.
YOU MUST REMOVE ALL PHOTOS OF AARON BALE FROM THE CHRONICLE.SU, OFF ANY LINKS APPEARING ANYWHERE, AND MUST NEVER REPORT.
NOTICE: DMCA NOTICE.
Signed:  /Susan Basko/  Lawyer for Aaron Bale
suebasko2

Meet Shopdogsam, the Internet’s Best Person

INTERNET — For people who like antiques, Pawn Stars and American Pickers are the hottest television shows out there. Items roll by faster than Antiques Roadshow while middle-aged men flirt with each other. Most of the meaning of each item is also reduced to cash value, and once per episode an expert will get a sentence or two in about one interesting item. Already, antique stores across the nation are faced with an army of idiots who won’t buy anything without trying to haggle the price down. Customers believe they are antiques experts because they’ve watched every episode of Pawn Stars and American Pickers. As a result, antique prices have plummeted severely in the last year.

But Shopdogsam is not that kind of entertainment.

Shopdogsam has posted hundreds of videos, documenting and explaining methods he uses to restore very old engines. He is practitioner of many lost engine shop arts, but more importantly, he is an authentic and entertaining character.  The meaning of every intricate detail of antique engines is served up with a charming Arkansas accent, and Sam’s long white beard and easygoing demeanor may convince you he’s Kris Kringle, maintaining engines which could only power a toy shop manned by tiny elves.

The thing that sets Shopdogsam apart from television, and even apart from the majority of self-made celebrities on YouTube, is that he doesn’t seem driven by the need for hits. He’s not jiggling female cleavage in his videos, shoving food down his throat, or doing silly stunts in video games. Shopdogsam is opening an honest window into his engine shop to continue to spread the tradition of maintaining and repairing engines from a long lost age of innocence.

Click Here to Subscribe to Shopdogsam’s Youtube Channel, on the East Coast of Arkansas

Joseph Kony killed by crowd-funded assassins

Joseph Kony is now dead, but assassins sent by the itnernet say killing him "felt wrong."
Joseph Kony is now dead, but assassins sent by the Internet say killing him “felt wrong.”

INTERNET — Joseph Kony, famed general of genocidal child armies and Internet super villain, was hunted down and killed by a team of assassins who funded their mission with crowd-sourcing after an anti-Kony video went viral last year. However, the team of killers have expressed mixed feelings and even regret at carrying out the Internet’s mission of ruthless vengeance.

After the anti-Kony video, Kony 2012, became the most viral video ever, many concerns were raised about its accuracy. Skeptics quickly debunked the claim that Kony was still roving Africa with murderous child armies. Now, some are questioning the one dimensional and inhuman portrait of Kony which stands in stark contrast with reports of assassins who spoke with the aging and defenseless Kony before acting out the Internet’s lucrative vengeance. One assassin, who wished to remain Anonymous, said the kill team found Kony living in quiet retirement, and said, “His exile was mostly self-imposed. He could have continued his raping and pillaging, but he was repentant. We found him living the life of a religious ascetic, and he gladly allowed us to kill him, fully understanding his death would not atone for the great atrocities of his life. He fixed us dinner, and we had thoughts of sparing him, but we all knew that the Internet would send a kill team for us, if word were to get out that we spared Kony.”

Prison Architect: An Unfair Review of an Unfinished Video Game

Prison Architect - PriestOn the fifth night of my prison’s existence, during the third riot in 24 hours, one exceptionally frustrated prisoner used a knife he smuggled in to stab an already-unconscious guard. He stabbed him to death. The prisoner then got hold of that guard’s keys and, with two fellow prisoners – one maximum security prisoner and another on normal security (both of whom were already known to cause damage and harm to my guards) – bypassed the main riot and walked straight to the Psychologist’s office. The Psychologist who, all along, has been profiling the increasingly unsanitary mob – cataloging their needs, displaying to me how hungry they are, how unhappy – how apt to violence they have quickly become. They walked into his office and stabbed him like it was nothing out of the ordinary, but also like it was something they’d been planning for a long time.

So far mine is a small enough prison to where no riots have yet reached Attica status, but I’m man enough to admit my prison is totally broken. Daily income can’t keep up with the constant repairs needed by rioting prisoners. Guards can’t stay alive long enough to keep a paycheck and I couldn’t afford to pay them if they did. My prison, filename good.prison, once had rigid regime. It followed a daily routine! It had working showers! That was yesterday. Today, good.prison has degenerated into fenced pandemonium. I think I wasn’t feeding them enough. But I guess I still don’t really know exactly what went wrong. After all, nobody was willing to go into the showers after the first “incident.” Shower time came. Nobody went. I’ll never know why. I don’t even want to know. Watching the quiet, peaceful family visit of a guy named Pennock – who got sent to solitary for shanking a guard – just felt perverse. You rapidly grow desensitized to prison violence to the point where you’d rather watch one of your contractors install electrical cable than take the time to witness a series of shower-stabbings out of Oz. Or maybe you wouldn’t. This game gives you that choice.

Prison Architect Review
The winner of a knife fight lies unconscious in the floor, dying.

The only direct control you have over your guards is to click on a prisoner and have him searched, so I probably should have searched all my prisoners for contraband upon arrival. However, just like authentic American prisons, the intake rate is so high in Prison Architect that you can only give each individual so much attention while tending to the whole horrendously overcrowded system at one time. But after enough armed convicts break the line, surrounding inmates gain confidence and join the fight. Before you know it, 18 inmates are tearing down every gate you thought was secure, and then going straight for the psychologist whose job is to warp their minds and break their psyche down into the well behaved license plate stampers God wants them to be.

While Prison Architect is a well-polished Alpha, there are still a few game-breaking bugs; namely, what’s done with all the dead people lying around. After the mayhem of the game-finishing Third Riot, I noticed four hearses lined up outside my prison. My morgue was packed full of dead bodies, all of them guards, and so were the infirmary beds. Because the AI does not dispose of the dead yet, gamers complain on forums about their sprawling, growing morgues. Dead guards, prisoners and staff now litter the main drag of my prison as a reminder of the terrible situation all around them, permanent monuments to chaos.

Prison Architect Review - Morgue

But don’t take my word for it. Witness these horrors for yourself. The earlier you register this game, the cheaper it will be. That said, $30 is still pretty high for a broken game only in Alpha. On that note, Prison Architect has surpassed the $4 million mark. That’s how much Mojang made with Minecraft prior to MineCon in 2011, which celebrated the official release of the game.

The Prison Architect development team, Introversion Software, has crowd-sourced prisoner diversity by allowing their premium player base to write in the names and biographies of at least one prisoner per player. They suggested players use their own names but I created a fictitious prisoner named Frank “The Free” Mason, named after The Internet Chronicle‘s shittiest dead writer. Approving the massive swarm of incoming biographies sounds like a difficult task but the developers say just about anything goes and, considering how much money they’re making from the Alpha release alone, it’s safe to assume they will hire an editorial team to clean everything up closer to Beta.

Try not to let anyone die until the next Alpha update (current version is a-11).

New Leaker Steps Forward with Details of Aurora Spaceplane

The secret Aurora Spaceplane, referred to by pilots as Santa's Sled, has been used to orbit a powerful network of spy satellites.
The secret Aurora Spaceplane, referred to pilots as Santa’s Sled, has been used to orbit a powerful network of spy satellites.

In 2006, the military took control of NASA’s unmanned space shuttle program for purposes that have not been disclosed. The X-37 C space drone will be capable of orbiting six astronauts in a pressurized capsule and returning them to the planet. However, there is a smaller version of this kind of spaceplane, the X-37 B, which has been running secret missions for the Air Force since 2008. People know that the X-37 B exists, but they do not know about the military’s Single-Stage-to-Orbit technology.

At Groom Lake, the infamous Area 51, Single-Stage-to-Orbit technology was first developed by modifying a scaled-up SR-71 and adding liquid oxygen rockets for the high atmosphere. This vehicle, known to pilots as “Santa’s Sled,” was capable of a low-atmospheric orbit which quickly decayed, so it was of no use for anything but the smallest satellites. During this time, miniaturized spy satellites were developed out of necessity. “Santa’s Sled” could be deployed to any place on the planet in less than an hour and release cameras, which would remain in geo-synchronous orbit for months. This technology was in use since the late ’60s, and it has only been developed since then.

Secret spaceplanes at Groom Lake have engines able to use both liquid oxygen and atmospheric oxygen, and one can carry the same payload as the X-37 C with more efficiency than is currently thought possible. The “Aurora” spaceplane, a flying wedge, can deploy up to 100 miniature spy satellites, which can each maintain orbit for several years. Enough Aurora Spaceplanes and spy satellites are standing by that the orbiting surveillance network of the United States could be entirely replaced at a moment’s notice.

Edward Snowden: Solar-Flare ‘Killshot’ Cataclysm Imminent

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA's Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)
Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA’s Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, hacker-fugitive and former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor, revealed Tuesday that a series of solar flares is set to occur in October, killing hundreds of millions of people. Documents provided by Snowden prove that, as of 14 years ago, Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) remote viewers knew that the event was inevitable. Ever since, the world’s governments have quietly been trying to prepare for the sweeping global famine to result.

Speaking from his room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, Snowden revealed that government preparations for October’s catastrophic solar flares have been “to only limited avail.” The flares’ results, he said, are known casually throughout the global intelligence community as “the killshot.”

Remote viewers employed by the CIA’s Project Stargate use their ability to perceive geographically and chronologically distant events to protect America. Since 1999 they have known about the solar-flare event but have been threatened into silence by enforcers on the secret government’s payroll.

As a part of hiring Snowden as a contractor, the NSA granted the 30-year-old access to all communications on earth. Now he has provided The Internet Chronicle with top-secret Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) documents outlining just how terrible the solar flares’ results will be. In just three months, “the killshot” is set to disable all electronic food and water delivery systems.

Ever since the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people have begun to rely on technological automation to enable their very lives. Solar flares release electromagnetic pulses, hazardous to electronic circuits. The smallest electronic circuits, such as those in computers’ central processing units, will be the most vulnerable.

Snowden said FEMA and the National Disaster Reduction Center of China have been taking steps for 14 years in light of the findings of Project Stargate. FEMA’s own documents, provided by Snowden, lay out how the organization plans to round up tens of millions of the poorest Americans for housing at secure locations “to better facilitate feeding and provision of consumer goods.”

Snowden, for years a CIA contractor, released testimonials from hundreds of remote viewers. Many of those remote viewers are still on the payroll of the governments of the United States and the Russian Federation. Those testimonials, though written independently by the analysts, are comprised of 4,472 pages, every single one of which, alarmingly, evince Snowden’s account.

“The massive electromagnetic pulse from the solar flares, or ‘the killshot,’ will shutter most of the world’s electrical systems,” said Snowden. “The Americans whose lives are most at risk are the elderly and the infirmed, those who depend on technology to enable their receiving home care or life-sustaining medical treatment.”

Throughout the 1970s and the 1990s, Russia and the United States were desperate to track and monitor the construction and maintenance of each other’s nuclear silos. The nations’ governments openly admitted having poured billions of dollars into the training of elite teams of remote viewers. With their powers, the remote viewers were able to deter nuclear launches and, ultimately, bring an end to the Cold War.  In the mid-’90s, the CIA simply pretended to close its remote-viewing program, so that it could operate more effectively.

Snowden said he hopes that his coming forward will allow Project Stargate’s participants to be able to live normal, open lives again, “instead of as circus animals, instead of as freaks.” He added, “[Significant others of Project Stargate employees] have to get Q clearances just to cohabitate with, without even marrying, their loved ones. That’s tantamount to slavery.”

Humanity is about to pay a most dire price for its technological dependence. That price, said Snowden, proved a leading factor in his decision to come forward to the press – about both the global Holocaust to ensue, as well as NSA analysts’ power, on the slightest whim, to listen to the phone calls of any person on earth.

Snowden said, with regard to CIA remote viewers, “I have seen too many brave whistleblowers become subjects of smear and ridicule for using their talents to expose the truth.” Added Snowden, bitterly, “Well, we’ll see who’s Mr. Chuckles when ‘the killshot’ goes down.”

WikiLeaks attorneys; and Anatoly Kucherena, Snowden’s own counsel, together produced a video calling for calm and global preparedness. Monday, Snowden sent the video, below, to the Russian Federal Migration Service as part of his call for asylum.

Westboro Baptist Church accidentally publishes gay pornography of Fred Phelps

This link contained True Gay Porn of Fred Phelps, and was tweeted by all Westboro Baptist Church propaganda accounts.
This link contained True Gay Porn of Fred Phelps, and was tweeted by all Westboro Baptist Church propaganda accounts.

INTERNET — Today, I authored an article placing the Westboro Baptist Church en route to Moscow to picket Snowden in a desperate, last hope plea for publicity. Few were amused, especially as the roughly forty thousands readers who received the article through Twitter were scraped from the conspiracy-babbling Edward Snowden, who is apparently so badly hooked on cocaine and DMT he had to sell his account to the Internet Chronicle, just to get a dimebag of shwag.

However, Westboro Baptist found this story amusing, and tweeted it from every last one of their accounts. With lightning fast reflexes, I replaced an image of Snowden with a real Gay Porn image of Fred Phelps, which has been leaked by sources at Anonymous. Finally, Westboro was caught with their pants down, and it turns out their Pastor and father was gay all along.

Margie Phelps commented, sadly, “Sometimes we wondered why dad always preached about Gays and nothing else. Well, I guess we know now. He’s been sneaking off to Gomorrah for a little Sodomy.” The Phelps family has been shaken by the horrible deviance of their leader and father, but promised to carry on the crusade of protesting funerals. “Oh, we’ll be protesting our father’s funeral,” said Margie, as the flame of God’s wrath flicked in her eyes.

Westboro Baptist to picket Edward Snowden in Moscow

Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.
Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.

MOSCOW — Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Fred Phelps announced to followers on Twitter Sunday Morning that a contingent of Westboro protesters were on the way to Sheremetyevo airport in Moscow to picket Edward Snowden, a whistleblower seeking asylum in Russia after sharing secret documents showing widespread NSA surveillance of US citizens.

Westboro Baptist is widely known for picketing funerals of deceased soldiers with inflammatory anti-homosexual signs. In the past, Westboro has also attempted to co-opt Anonymous operations, and many of the Phelps’ propagandists have since learned that this is an effective way for quick and easy exposure, as Anonymous will retaliate angrily at even the slightest provocation.

Russian correspondent for Internet Chronicle, Dmitri Dostoevsky, warned that the Russian protest contingent may be in for a long stay, “Disruption of public spaces, and especially heresy, are not tolerated in Russia. They have been sent on a suicide mission and will get, at the very least, five or six years in jail after they carry out this protest. Pastor Phelps must be extremely desperate for exposure right now.”

Wendy’s unveils new hacker theme for restaurants

Wendy's new hacker aesthetic has critics in shock, but some are excited about a new look and the promise of high speed Tor nodes.
Wendy’s new hacker aesthetic has critics in shock, but some are excited about a new look and the promise of high speed Tor nodes.

INTERNET — In a press release Friday, and after over four decades of Western-themed restaurant design, Wendy’s has unveiled what they call “a new face for a new century.” Wendy’s hopes this new hacker aesthetic will appeal to “the next generation of fast food customers,” but some have been startled by the shock green hair and borg-like goggles imposed on the iconic Wendy Thomas.

Below the controversial Cyber-Wendy featured on the new signs, a fully functional LED screen continually cycles through dazzling hacker imagery borrowed from The Matrix. Lime green pseudo-pixelated pavement markings guide customers through a drive-thru which now operates using touch screen ordering, a breakthrough that many hailed as a “game changer” in the fast food industry. Customers will not feel the same kind of shame when ordering meals if there is no human on the other end, so Wendy’s executives hope this will improve sales.

Wendy’s also promised to install powerful servers and fiber optic internet connections at all of its locations in order to run lightning-fast Tor nodes which may finally shift the balance of power in the ongoing struggle against the NSA’s nearly omniscient eavesdropping program.