UFO steals Plymouth Rock

BOSTON — Tuesday, hundreds of residents saw a glowing halo of yellow light float over Cape Cod before descending and encircling the monument in Pilgrim State Park at the site of Plymouth Rock. In an “incredible flash,” witnesses then saw the light disappear “into the stars,” and found Plymouth Rock missing from its rightful place. Nothing was left but a white residue that scientists are still analyzing.

Hank Wellsworth, head of the State Park’s custodial staff, witnessed the strange event from just outside the monument and tearfully told reporters, “They’re jealous of our great nation, and like us they know the end is coming for this planet, so they took the one thing that means the most to us.”

More skeptical witnesses were baffled and refused to comment, but President Obama ordered increased guard over other national treasures from the Liberty Bell to Ernest Hemingway’s polydactyl cats. The president also increased Air Force patrols of American air space and elevated the terror threat level to maximum. At an emergency press conference, White House Press Secretary Jay Carny told terrified reporters, “We’re not sure it was an alien attack, but the capabilities displayed by the lights and analysis of radar data points towards a military power thousands of years advanced beyond anything previously known.”