Woman seeks boyfriend on popular dating website

Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.
Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.

INTERNET — “I’m not looking for sex,” said Elena Gendsworth, 25. “And I’ve been cheated on before, so don’t message me unless you’re an honest person. Just so you know, I want to be friends first before anything else so please don’t expect anything too soon.”

Elena Gendsworth’s dating profile has attracted attention from hundreds, if not thousands, of local single men. According to her profile, Elena enjoys “the Twilight series, Dr. Who (David Tennant <3) and Mexican food.”

Gendsworth described herself in detail, saying, “I am a free spirit, and I believe life is for living. I am curvy and proud of it so if you don’t like that please don’t message me. I’m a total nerd too. I’m also a hopeless romantic and have had a lot of bad relationships with cheaters. My last three boyfriends cheated on me and I don’t want that to happen again. Every time I go out to a bar men try to hit on me, so that’s why I’ve joined this site.”

Gendsworth is looking for a specific kind of man who she describes as, “tall, handsome, and packing at least thirty five pounds of muscle.” Elena added, “Sorry guys, but that’s just how I am. Size does matter. I’m not racist, but I definitely prefer white men.”

Reporters attempted to contact Elena through the dating site, but she did not respond. An anonymous local man who claims to have dated Elena Gendsworth said, “Don’t be fooled by the way she’s angled her photos to make herself look better. They’re also a few years old, and she’s put on a ton since then.”

YourAnonNews announces YANcoin cryptocurrency

Fans who are still waiting for their YAN merchandise are excited to own a new crypto-currency dedicated to YAN mugs and t-shirts.
Fans who are still waiting for their YAN merchandise are excited to own a new crypto-currency dedicated to YAN mugs and t-shirts.

WASHINGTON — Thursday morning, in a move sure to stun masked Anonymous teens everywhere, YourAnonNews announced that its invisible controllers have created their very own cryptocurrency. On Feruary 1, 2014, Your Anon News will open trading of YANCoins (YANC) to the general public.

According to inside sources, tens of thousands of YANcoins have already been mined and disbursed in secret, but with the launch of YANSoft, these coins will be made available on a market strictly controlled by a small group of Anonymous financial experts. Investors will be able to exchange YANcoins for Bitcoins, but only YAN merchandise can be purchased after this exchange.

YANcoins are mined by an invasive browser add-on known as YANSoft, a controversial application emblazoned with the motto “Nothing For Something.” Critics complained YANSoft installs an “Anonymous toolbar” into the browser which cannot be removed without also uninstalling the proprietary blockchain backbone for YANcoin.

Security expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador warned potential users in strong terms, stating, “YANSoft is riddled with vulnerabilities, spyware, popups, and malware. Under no circumstances should anyone consider its built in ‘onion router’ secure. If anything, YANSoft’s so-called security features will make any browser many orders of magnitude less secure.”

Internet Chronicle reporters reached out to YAN’s anonymous spokesperson, who insulted fans openly, “Our last fundraiser, which promised goods in exchange for donations, was such a success that we decided a dedicated one-way crypto-currency could make us even more dosh. Just think about it! The sheep will give us Bitcoins in return for spyware and more empty promises of merchandise!” The YourAnonNews spokesperson also pledged that proceeds from YANcoins will go to The YANnabis Dispensary & BongMart™, which is set to open in Denver, Colorado, just as soon as OP delivers.

Joe Rogan Dead at 46

Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.
Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.

INTERNET — Joe Rogan, host of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, accomplished mixed martial artist and comedian, died tragically from a DMT overdose on Sunday.

Rogan was an outspoken advocate for the use of psychedelic drugs as entheogens, or substances which are used specifically to trigger mystic or transcendent experiences. However, Wikipedia and the news media incorrectly framed Rogan as promoting “recreational” use of drugs, leading some to draw a connection between this misrepresentation and the overdose which followed.

Rogan described himself as an “open-minded skeptic,” and investigated a wide variety of fringe or “conspiracy” subjects. Critic and conspiracy expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador once pointed out, “Rogan’s investigative purpose, to weigh in on whether a conspiracy theory is ‘real’ or ‘crazy’ relies on the outdated assumption that a human can access a universal truth. Joe has denied holding this belief when speaking of his experiences on DMT, but he doesn’t seem to inhabit it fully. Rogan is a chemtrail denier, for instance, but also admits that ‘real’ chemtrails are the everyday pollution from burnt jet fuel. He refuses to give any merit to the idea that chemtrails are part of a slow genocide or weather control scheme perpetrated by a secret cabal. Through this myth, and I don’t mean ‘myth’ in the sense of a lie but rather a useful story, chemtrail conspiracists are able to endlessly cultivate an appropriate level of alarm on the topics of pollution and climate change. Just like Joe, one of the most important realizations I’ve had from DMT trips is that symbols should not be interpreted as signs referencing ‘reality’ or God and that ultimately there is no access to ‘reality’ to begin with — there are only symbols which act as an interface between God and the self for the mystic, or God and the community as in organized religion. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong — that kind of language is totally outdated and tells us very little about what it purportedly describes.”

Grieving family members have disbursed Rogan’s estate to fighter Anderson Silva in hopes that Silva’s shin might be repaired so he can return to the octagon. Silva’s gruesome injury has caused mixed martial artists to question the safety of the Muay Thai shin kick just as the “push kick” or “elliptical kick” cribbed from Wing Chun has gained an increased popularity among fighters. Rather than causing career ending injuries to the practitioner, the push kick has hyper-extended the knees of several mixed martial artists unfortunate enough to wind up on the receiving end of the devastating technique.

Snapchat Employee Arrested for Selling User Nude "Selfies" on the "Darknet"

snapchatLOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.

Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.

The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.

Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”

Churches "cave" to safe sex activists

High school kids dry humping
“Dry humping” is a form of safe sex not explicitly prohibited by the Bible, a historical and factual document.

INTERNET — Churches across the nation relented under pressure from safe sex advocacy groups, and will no longer teach abstinence-only sex “education.”

Pastor Freida Phelps said, “There’s nothing in the bible against dryhumping, and as far as I can tell, sex with a condom is just dryhumping with penetration. In God’s eyes, that ain’t even sex.”

This comes on the heels of the “Miley and Jesus” episode of Miley’s Grace, the reality television show featuring pop singer Miley Cyrus.

Miley’s Grace follows the pop singer along her painful spiritual attempt to “get right with my Daddy.” Miley told viewers, in a private confessional, “Y’all, I seen God last night, and he came to me and he said ‘You keep Twerkin’ Miley, there’s no sin at all in it,’ and you know what, He’s right. Just cause it feels good don’t mean it’s a sin.”

Already high schools around the nation have reported a problem with teens wearing 99%-waterproof underwear, dryhumping in lounges and during lunch.

Hidden Valley High School Principal Daniel Levins said, “That underwear keeps the kids and their Hot Topic threads clean, but it makes the stench of the fluids much, much worse. Tepid semen sits in that skin-tight reservoir all tight up against their skin and instead of drying out it goes sour. The stink of seminal and vaginal secretions are in the halls, in the classrooms. You can smell it from the parking lot. It’s even worse at the mall, where no one even attempts to put a stop to all the dryhumping.”

Dan Oglesby of the Virginia branch of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration said the utilisation of Axe body spray has only made conditions worse.

“It chokes you up to go in there,” Oglesby explained. “Now it stinks to high heaven like pussy, ball-sweat and cheap perfume. We didn’t have all this when I was in school. What ever happened to pocket pinball?”

Schools around the nation that have been unable to contain the dryhumping are being put on lockdown, in extreme cases. Some fear the latest proclamation from church leaders and Miley Cyrus will turn the school system into a never ending orgy of what is now being promoted as “safe sex education.”

“The kids these days,” Levins said, “they don’t know what’s best for them as well as we adults do. All a kid wants is to feel pleasure derived sexually from their fathers, and now that Miley’s telling everyone that’s okay, it’s like Daddy’s not enough. They’re looking for it anywhere. We’re just trying to contain this horrible, sexy situation.”

String of heists threatens Marijuana shops in Colorado

marijuana man
Handmade American weed costs four times as much as illegal foreign imports.

DENVER — Marijuana shops opened up across Colorado Wednesday as legalization came into full effect. However, gangs of armed thugs – possibly aligned with Colorado drug cartels – raided the new repositories, stealing billions of dollars’ worth of weed and paraphernalia.

With the sudden scarcity of skull and wizard-shaped bongs, Colorado stoners woke up into what’s been described as “literally, a nightmare.”

Denver marijuana user Dan K. said his “mind” was “blown” on the morning of Jan. 1 when he woke up into the dry nightmare.

“I already told all my illegal, black market dealers to go fuck themselves, because I’m a man of the law,” Dan said. “And now you’re telling me there is no weed to calm my burnout nerves? This is a nightmare. It’s the healthcare website all over again.”

Bands of vigilante stoners have taken to the streets with improvised weapons and firearms, protecting the few remaining marijuana dispensaries as patrons anxiously wait in line.

Colorado Police Chief Neal McIntyre voiced disappointment in legal marijuana, expressing concerns that police work is only becoming more difficult.

McIntyre said, “It’s going to be really hard to persecute the Blacks and the Mexicans, so we’ll have to get a bit more creative, maybe double down on our entrapment operations and flood the streets with crackheads.”

When asked about the rash of robberies at the new marijuana shops, McIntyre laughed, and refused to comment.