Soda Shaq Review Part III – MAN DRINKS WHOLE CAN

INTERNET — Old Brutus from Lebal Drocer, Inc. Hate Radio® brings you the sharpest, most scathing review to date of the “vanilla cream” variant of Soda Shaq. Old Brutus® describes Soda Shaq as “a nutritious, all natural health soda offered exclusively by white-owned 7-Eleven® stores.”

Old Brutus said he would like to remind his viewers that he is in no way affiliated with the Internet at large, and added that he thinks the Web is little more than an instrument of terror used by the United States Government to instill fear into the hearts of dissident authors.

“The Internet, and that whole thing, I don’t know, man,” Old Brutus® explained. “Once you really think about it, it’s all the same, real life and the Internet,  except in real life dissent has far fewer consequences.”

In his third and possibly final review of Soda Shaq, Old Brutus again invoked the spirit of – and infringed upon the copyright to – Joey’s World Tour to bring the sale home to the gang®.

This review is wholeheartedly endorsed by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Go out and getcha sum, gang.

Barrett Brown and "Anonymous"

Do you think that the possibility the NSA could spy on a few hundred AnonOps "members" of Anonymous is crazier than William Blake? These t-shirts will support your cause!
Do you think that the possibility the NSA could spy on a few hundred AnonOps “members” of Anonymous is crazier than William Blake? Buy Barrett “Che” Brown t-shirts and support a hero today.

INTERNET — Behind the thin veneer of Barrett Brown, the heroic poster boy from Anonymous who is facing a century in prison “simply for sharing a link,” there is an untold story of a man broken, in part, by his own treacherous words.

Instances in which Brown acted as a spokesperson for a group of hackers who conducted operations on an IRC site called ‘AnonOps’ exist. Or they at least seem to exist, even after Brown announced his retirement! Brown told Vice, from prison, “Even now, in prison I’m not [spokesperson for Anonymous]. For two years now I’ve denied that publicly. Every time I’m asked, it turns out that I’m not.” Brown’s reporting is so finely attuned to to the truth, even from prison, it seems fit only for the distinguished and infallible Internet Chronicle.

Brown was advocate for a shard of something that called itself Anonymous, and that much can at least be said with certainty. Brown’s corner of Anonymous was a tightly (or loosely) knit group of hackers (and others) on one particular network, which spoke with a voice which was identified as Anonymous. AnonOps IRC was an environment which through its very architecture bore its own particular organization and cultural expectations, as opposed to the extremely libertarian, minimalist restrictions of /b/ (Don’t click)). This distinct difference between core values of /b/ and those in AnonOps certainly find some overlap, especially when stated, but these are two separate worlds in practice (more here).

The cancer that is /b/ emanates through its own hegemonic humor hate machine, but the emphasis on anonymity — this eponymous ideology is one the culture luckily stumbled upon which protects their humor from sinking to the level of guys like me — is such that virtually nobody other than Boxxy uses a pseudonym and gets away with it for very long. The kind of conversation that takes place on /b/ is nearly entirely devoted to generating novel emotional responses through diverse media, despite being unfortunately called an “imageboard.” Scary storytelling traditions (creepypasta), serious texts that seem real but suddenly end with a gag (another kind of copypasta), and greentext (a unique genre of prosey-poetry mishmash) among other more opaque traditions and alternate reality games are just the beginning to the treasure trove of original content which, of course, leaks out from /b/ on a regular basis. The pranks of /b/ were delivered under the auspices of an ever-changing figure which assumed the name of each and every participant. Anonymous was one out of the multitude, an archetypal trickster, a comic book madman a la DeadPool, and a living god (perhaps converting one (more than one) would-be spinoff prophet into a monistic manic arrested for threatening police with the All Life Is One mind virus).

This Anonymous was not the Anonymous of resistance to power and not the Anonymous Barrett Brown defended or represented to the press. His Anonymous was the Guy Fawkes clad multitude, individuals with masks and scary computer skills — almost as scary as the NSA, and eternally at war with it. There’s no telling how deeply unfair this characterization may be, or “who Brown really was,” but he stated these things, seemingly, in his own words. Barrett Brown’s piece, Yes, you should join Anonymous points parties interested in “joining” Anonymous towards AnonOps and makes no mention of /b/ — the plea seems to be a discussion of an Anonymous very far removed from the Anonymous of /b/. Arguably, the Anonymous of /b/ is not even one that can be “joined,” it is many voices in one — massively shared being (it’s naughty stuff).

I was contacted by Brown after a reporter at the Internet Chronicle identified only as “lowercase anonymous” wrote a response to Yes, you should join Anonymous. Brown hotly assumed I’d written the response, which was ominously titled BARRETT BROWN LEADS ANONYMOUS INTO CERTAIN DOOM, but I gave Brown’s number to anonymous so he could fume into the proper receptacle. In the phone call, Brown spewed bigoted slurs with no air of 4chan’s playful bent and told anonymous, “you’re not Anonymous, sweetheart.” Brown mocked the concerns anonymous shared about the NSA’s extensive espionage, calling the concerns “nuts,” and also employed a version of the “nothing to hide” argument that has been framed as a “myth” (lie) and “debunked” at least twenty-seven times since Snowden’s first revelation. How could someone so deep into research of government cyberwar contractors have that kind of an attitude?

AntiSec, a rebranded “serious” version of LulzSec — this transition itself is something like a microcosmic flash of the great divide between /b/ and AnonOps — fell to the lead of hacker Sabu, who very quickly fell into the grateful hands of the FBI. It may be impossible to know the extent to which such outrageous things as the targeting of journalists was influenced by Sabu’s FBI handlers, but there was a marked change in attitude that seemed to agree with Barrett Brown and many others. The choice of government targets was inspiring in its audacity.

On Christmas Eve of 2011, AnonOps dumped a database containing potentially sensitive information on Stratfor subscribers, many of them journalists who subscribed to its popular publication as an important source for their work. This information was then used in a free-for-all by frenzied hackers who gleefully made “donations” to several charities using money stolen from average-joe journalists. Again, there is no telling how much of this was influenced by the FBI. After a widely-circulated Emergency Christmas Press Release pastebin denied that these attacks were the work of Anonymous (and presciently called Sabu out as an agent provocateur), Zoe Fox of CNN wrote, “A press release is circulating, saying that the Stratfor hack is not the work of Anonymous. However, it is difficult to tell who is correct.”

Brown responded to the Emergency Christmas Press Release by editing the original document into a meaningless pastiche of inside jokes cribbed (or co-opted) from /b/ and subtitled this unfunny mess THE PASTEBIN CLAIMING THAT THE STRATFOR HACK IS NOT THE WORK OF ANONYMOUS IS NOT THE WORK OF ANONYMOUS. Brown signed this with his twitter address underneath the Anonymous signoff with the kind of impeccable taste and class that was not thought to exist outside of the Internet Chronicle.

After news broke that Sabu had long been working for the FBI, Brown seemed to enter a painful tailspin in a whirlwind of his own treacherous words and intravenously injected oral heroin substitutes. When the FBI confiscated his laptop, Brown no longer defended the Stratfor Christmas Eve credit card thefts he had earlier backed away from (but not without trumpeting an “amoral dictate”). Even still, Brown weakly dismissed the carding of innocents as “unnecessary,” only hinting at the possibility of a set of scruples which might possibly forbid wanton and arbitrary theft.

Brown wrote of a list of topics of information the FBI sought in his laptop, “I am happy to post this list as it contains the names of two firms – HBGary and Endgame Systems – which I will now have particular opportunity to discuss, in a more public setting, as this matter proceeds.”

Brown’s latest musings on his hatred for reality television and old literature can be found on Vice and other publications, and much like the Internet Chronicle, this type of stuff is best read as incisive and sarcastic commentary from a freedom fighting hero and not the ravings of a bigot with a mouth much larger than his brain.

Local friends enjoy 'talking about war' forever

Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”

American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.

“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’

“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.

I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.Lebal Drocer Seal

Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.

Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”

America – the war about nothing

Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”

“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”

Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.

“I can look at for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”

Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”

Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.

And it does.

The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Woman seeks boyfriend on popular dating website

Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.
Elena Gendsworth is single and looking for a man who will not expect sex too soon.

INTERNET — “I’m not looking for sex,” said Elena Gendsworth, 25. “And I’ve been cheated on before, so don’t message me unless you’re an honest person. Just so you know, I want to be friends first before anything else so please don’t expect anything too soon.”

Elena Gendsworth’s dating profile has attracted attention from hundreds, if not thousands, of local single men. According to her profile, Elena enjoys “the Twilight series, Dr. Who (David Tennant <3) and Mexican food.”

Gendsworth described herself in detail, saying, “I am a free spirit, and I believe life is for living. I am curvy and proud of it so if you don’t like that please don’t message me. I’m a total nerd too. I’m also a hopeless romantic and have had a lot of bad relationships with cheaters. My last three boyfriends cheated on me and I don’t want that to happen again. Every time I go out to a bar men try to hit on me, so that’s why I’ve joined this site.”

Gendsworth is looking for a specific kind of man who she describes as, “tall, handsome, and packing at least thirty five pounds of muscle.” Elena added, “Sorry guys, but that’s just how I am. Size does matter. I’m not racist, but I definitely prefer white men.”

Reporters attempted to contact Elena through the dating site, but she did not respond. An anonymous local man who claims to have dated Elena Gendsworth said, “Don’t be fooled by the way she’s angled her photos to make herself look better. They’re also a few years old, and she’s put on a ton since then.”

YourAnonNews announces YANcoin cryptocurrency

Fans who are still waiting for their YAN merchandise are excited to own a new crypto-currency dedicated to YAN mugs and t-shirts.
Fans who are still waiting for their YAN merchandise are excited to own a new crypto-currency dedicated to YAN mugs and t-shirts.

WASHINGTON — Thursday morning, in a move sure to stun masked Anonymous teens everywhere, YourAnonNews announced that its invisible controllers have created their very own cryptocurrency. On Feruary 1, 2014, Your Anon News will open trading of YANCoins (YANC) to the general public.

According to inside sources, tens of thousands of YANcoins have already been mined and disbursed in secret, but with the launch of YANSoft, these coins will be made available on a market strictly controlled by a small group of Anonymous financial experts. Investors will be able to exchange YANcoins for Bitcoins, but only YAN merchandise can be purchased after this exchange.

YANcoins are mined by an invasive browser add-on known as YANSoft, a controversial application emblazoned with the motto “Nothing For Something.” Critics complained YANSoft installs an “Anonymous toolbar” into the browser which cannot be removed without also uninstalling the proprietary blockchain backbone for YANcoin.

Security expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador warned potential users in strong terms, stating, “YANSoft is riddled with vulnerabilities, spyware, popups, and malware. Under no circumstances should anyone consider its built in ‘onion router’ secure. If anything, YANSoft’s so-called security features will make any browser many orders of magnitude less secure.”

Internet Chronicle reporters reached out to YAN’s anonymous spokesperson, who insulted fans openly, “Our last fundraiser, which promised goods in exchange for donations, was such a success that we decided a dedicated one-way crypto-currency could make us even more dosh. Just think about it! The sheep will give us Bitcoins in return for spyware and more empty promises of merchandise!” The YourAnonNews spokesperson also pledged that proceeds from YANcoins will go to The YANnabis Dispensary & BongMart™, which is set to open in Denver, Colorado, just as soon as OP delivers.

Joe Rogan Dead at 46

Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.
Joe Rogan died from a DMT overdose on Sunday morning.

INTERNET — Joe Rogan, host of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, accomplished mixed martial artist and comedian, died tragically from a DMT overdose on Sunday.

Rogan was an outspoken advocate for the use of psychedelic drugs as entheogens, or substances which are used specifically to trigger mystic or transcendent experiences. However, Wikipedia and the news media incorrectly framed Rogan as promoting “recreational” use of drugs, leading some to draw a connection between this misrepresentation and the overdose which followed.

Rogan described himself as an “open-minded skeptic,” and investigated a wide variety of fringe or “conspiracy” subjects. Critic and conspiracy expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador once pointed out, “Rogan’s investigative purpose, to weigh in on whether a conspiracy theory is ‘real’ or ‘crazy’ relies on the outdated assumption that a human can access a universal truth. Joe has denied holding this belief when speaking of his experiences on DMT, but he doesn’t seem to inhabit it fully. Rogan is a chemtrail denier, for instance, but also admits that ‘real’ chemtrails are the everyday pollution from burnt jet fuel. He refuses to give any merit to the idea that chemtrails are part of a slow genocide or weather control scheme perpetrated by a secret cabal. Through this myth, and I don’t mean ‘myth’ in the sense of a lie but rather a useful story, chemtrail conspiracists are able to endlessly cultivate an appropriate level of alarm on the topics of pollution and climate change. Just like Joe, one of the most important realizations I’ve had from DMT trips is that symbols should not be interpreted as signs referencing ‘reality’ or God and that ultimately there is no access to ‘reality’ to begin with — there are only symbols which act as an interface between God and the self for the mystic, or God and the community as in organized religion. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong — that kind of language is totally outdated and tells us very little about what it purportedly describes.”

Grieving family members have disbursed Rogan’s estate to fighter Anderson Silva in hopes that Silva’s shin might be repaired so he can return to the octagon. Silva’s gruesome injury has caused mixed martial artists to question the safety of the Muay Thai shin kick just as the “push kick” or “elliptical kick” cribbed from Wing Chun has gained an increased popularity among fighters. Rather than causing career ending injuries to the practitioner, the push kick has hyper-extended the knees of several mixed martial artists unfortunate enough to wind up on the receiving end of the devastating technique.

Snapchat Employee Arrested for Selling User Nude "Selfies" on the "Darknet"

snapchatLOS ANGELES, CA – The popular smartphone application “Snapchat” came under siege last week due to a decimating security breach, which allowed Internet hackers to enumerate 4.6 million user names and their corresponding phone numbers, before being halted by the servers API rate limit. Just as the snappy startup fixed its security faults, there came another blow to the reputation of what has become one of the most popular forms of sending sexually provocative, explicit even, pictures to friends, especially amongst teens.

Saturday, January 4th, the home of Snapchat employee and co-founder Dave Davidson was raided by the FBI, along with the Snapchat office in Los Angeles. When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the FBI’s Los Angeles branch had little to offer, but shed some light on the allegations: “The investigation is ongoing, but we can tell you that Davidson is being held under suspicion of distributing child pornography pictures of teens he’d gathered from the Snapchat server and selling them in bulk on what we have dubbed the “darknet,” a haven for pedophiles and Internet hackers, but we got’em this time… We got’em,” he said with a nod.

The “darknet” the agent referred to is a known nickname for the Tor network, which anonymizes Internet traffic and uses its own pseudo-top-level-domains known as “.onions” where anonymous communities are setup to disseminate child porn, atomic bombs and homeopathic cancer cures.

Colleagues of Davidson were shocked to find out what he had done: “He was always staying late, you know, putting in the extra work or so we thought,” said a Snapchat employee, “He always wore a hoodie with “REVENGE PORN” on the back, but we just thought he was being ironic. This is all quite chilling, really.”