NORTH KOREA, Korea — Game theorist and Glorious Leader Kim Jung Un announced via a series of Vine videos today that North Korea was not involved with the Sony hack and provided an alibi that will shock the world far more than Joe Rogan and James Flaccos film “The Assassination.” An obviously pumped up Un appeared on his 3MP webcam to proclaim he has been spending the past 3 months on his human futon reading the well documented Sega Genesis’ version of the Game Genie in an effort to find the fabled “Master Code.” In the second vine he proclaims he found the code and is reverse engineering the “Sonic and Knuckles” cheat code known as the “orbital jump for knuckles,” as it holds the keys to bypassing every checksum in every game, even games with PunkBuster.
In a haze of artificial smoke and pyrotechnics, Un appeared for a third vine to say he had obtained the knowledge to bypass every checksum there is. The short clip ended with Un saying that the FBI should “quit givin’ me the business,” and focus on Rogan and Flaccos egregiously terrible films. The supreme leader appeared in a final vine wearing only a spaghetti stained tracksuit and Google Glass, shouting maniacally that “EURO TRUCK SIMULATOR 2 WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!”
Edit: Tor has just been stolen by the FBI as an Act of War, according to our source at the library who really likes Sun Tzu.