There’s never been a better time to invest. 4chan is rapidly cornering the market on Guy Fieri memes, and Guy rarity is spiking hard.
Investors don’t know whether to shit or go blind, but drug abuse is on the rise in the face of Fieri ferocity on the meme market as brokers struggle to meet Fieri demand.
“I literally can’t drink enough beer,” says meme creator Johandes Malihandro. “I don’t know where the ceiling is, but the market is watching for it. Today I lost control of my vehicle and ran over a pedestrian. These are indeed desperate times.”
I see the way you look at our website. The gluttonous envy with which you feast your dumb eyes upon the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle would disgust even a thief. You are nothing. And that is our fault?
Continue denying yourself the life you want – the life you feel you deserve – so we might continue to consume the dead, mulching the fallen leaves and rotting fruits from the tree of the Internet. We reprocess the overripe Barrett Browns and Rachel Haywires into a digestible paste for mass consumption. You come to us to learn who to despise not only for their actions but their ideology, without an original thought in your head, when really we should be shifting our focus onto you, the readers, the botnets, the consumers, the Google algorithm, and our advertisers who continue to sap away not only our profits but, like you, our spirit. Internet Chronicle readers are energy vampires. With each pageview, you steal some piece of us, calling it your own.
YOU ARE NOTHING
When the TPP passes and our intellectual properties are better protected, rest assured not an utterance will escape your mouth that doesn’t belong to Lebal Drocer, Incorporated: Your owner; your master; your only purpose in this world. You are the consumer of ideas we plant in your head that don’t become yours just because you can verbally copy and paste. Whether genetically modified, or temporally modified, your worldview is a product of chronicle.su and you owe us money. Why should you profit using tools we sharpen?
[EDITOR’S NOTE: This ain’t no fuckin’ blog, son. This is The Internet Chronicle, a legitimate news site exclusively for all the illuminated souls of the 21st Century. You are a pageview. We are the page.]
The Coca-Cola corporation has spent hundreds of millions of valuable US dollars on “independent” research firms who cast doubt on the faulty link between sugar-water and obesity.
Coca-Cola boasts power over more than a dozen British scientists, among them government health advisers, all of whom resist propaganda connecting obesity to the delicious taste of Coca-Cola.
The revelation of Coca-Cola’s science contributions follows a government refusal to tax the company, suggesting there could be some corruption in play. The leaker, who news outlets are calling “the Snowjob of Coke,” came forward on terrorist news network Al Jazeera to declare his jihad on dank American neoliberalism. A former contractor for Lebal Drocer Laboratories, the scientist doubts the benevolence of the Coke Original Formula™. He was all,
Doesn’t it seem like Barack Obama’s career was designed for two terms, though? The guy wasn’t exactly ‘going for Roosevelt.'”
The media are practically sucking this cock without paying tribute to the delicious good time of an ice cold Coca-Cola product. Nor do they acknowledge the frosty sheen of a 12-ounce can on a hot day in the sun. Fuck CNN, and fuck the police.
Share a Coke with your dialysis technician, and enjoy the refreshing breeze as your feet shrivel up like in the Wizard of Oz.
Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to introduce the brand new Bit Train, which carries the Anonymous spokesperson long distances in a reformative practice called diesel chamber therapy. Adoring crowds welcome the train’s arrival with a warm chant of the enterprise:
What, did they get ya Barry?
Years in the slammer, for sharing a link!
What did you think?
Oh won’t you car-ry my Bit-coins a-way
Barrett “Good Guy” Brown is slated for new rounds of essential diesel therapy in the coming weeks. For good measure, he is not allowed to go near books, pens or paper. He gets leaflets of Fountainhead by carrier pigeon, a mysterious one-way line of communication from a sender unknown… Maybe just somebody watching out for him.
Check Ticketmaster for tour dates to see Barrett live in a town near you. That’s right, for one time only Barrett Brown will go on display LIVE (a spectacle of the mind and eye!) before adoring fans starting as early as next week. It is reported Rachel Haywire will attend a not-yet-released stop, as long as her okcupid date does not mind waiting outside with the engine running.
The Bit Train, powered by Brown’s denial, carries data – or “shares links” – in the form of national security cables, serving a dual purpose of imprisoning Brown and furthering surveillance.