Month: December 2015

No thought or effort, whatsoever, was put into this.

INTERNET — Julian Assange, speaking by teleconference at a press release detaling WikiLeak’s newest hacked documents, said “ISIS, Russia, and China will be reduced to a sea of glass by Christmas.”

Assange spoke before a map of the world with small nuclear detonations placed over potential target zones, “Our source in the Pentagon has provided proof that the US contravened nuclear non-proliferation treaties for decades in the development of so-called ‘clean’ nuclear weapons that minimize fallout and will not cause a nuclear winter.”

With a single tear streaming down his left cheek, the usually emotionless Assange’s voice wavered, “The US generals are very sure of their missile defense systems and hope to strike a final blow to secure total and perpetual geopolitical domination.”

Referring to the map like a forecaster of nuclear apocalypse, Assange pointed out the regions that would be hit by nuclear weapons, “The exact locations of the detonations can be found on the WikiLeaks website but there is no hope in protesting. If you’re in an area where the bombs will fall, seek shelter or flee immediately.”

Molly Crabapple’s new book “Drawing Blood” sat on the furniture in front of Assange, glowing, and he read several fateful lines from its pages, “The final moment, when one single man attains permanent power over the entire planet falls upon this one huddled, drone-swarmed Syrian woman sheltering infinite children, mere futility in the face of the radiation dawn of the Pax Americana.”