INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Roseanne Barr, who died from autoerotic asphyxiation Tuesday after her show was cancelled because of a racist tweet. An explicit image of the suicide, posted onto her twitter this evening was very quickly scrubbed from social media sites.
A seemingly endless string of celebrity suicide trends are sweeping through social media. Saturday, Chelsea Manning soured her Senate campaign, threatening to kill herself by jumping from a building. George Noory, host of late night talk radio show Coast To Coast AM, died from a DMT overdose just like Joe Rogan.
Jeff Dunam, puppet comic and Roseanne’s close personal friend said, “Fans remembered a Roseanne who grew enraged at the nazi tattoo on Jesco White’s hand. Now that she’s dead a lot of us are wondering where her life took this turn towards evil. I believe it was social media, maybe the Russians. All that time she kept asking me for tips on puppetry, I think she was using it online, running a sockpuppet network.”
Even Wikileaks jumped into the social media trend, with social media editor Suzie Dawson, writing:
Who is former Obama advisor Valerie Jarrett, who is in the news today after @theRealRoseanne, lead actor in America’s #1 sitcom, was axed by ABC after Barr was perceived to have insulted Jarrett’s African-American looks? 1,016 WikiLeaks docs: https://t.co/tUX3ArkWDG
Suzi Dawson denies running the WikiLeaks account, but critics say the Forensicator’s language analysis software points to a nearly four sigma correlation between her tweets and those of WikiLeaks.
The Forensicator told the press that they should begin to fear the rise of Suzi Dawson as head of WikiLeaks now that Assange is out of the picture. The Forensicator said, in a live stream press release, “The startling tweet from WikiLeaks blamed Roseanne’s racial slur on black people who felt insulted. Abject linkage with a stash of pointless emails seems to have fuck all to do with Roseanne. What’s happening here is Suzie Dawson is just manipulating us by means of a mechanical rather than social meaning of language. Hashtags and stories blend seamlessly together for no salient reason. There is no substance but vague suspicions, suspended from a single wire of doubt and dipped into a gobbledygook concoction of current events that taken from afar represent a compromised ethic and standard not only of truth but of justice, liberty, freedom, and basic humanity. Look at what they say they aren’t, in response to nothing. We aren’t authoritarians, we aren’t partisans. Where are the Trump Emails then? Why are they always telling us what everything means, how to interpret their legal cases in a strict and narrow language? It’s an abomination and an absurdity, the late stages of a Lord of the Flies intrigue we can only begin to imagine, and Suzi Dawson is on top — for now.”
Roseanne’s estate was transferred to Tom Arnold, who intends to liquidate and donate all assets to Black Lives Matter and the ADL as requested by Roseanne.
Tourists can visit many solemn war memorials and presidential shrines, but barely removed from the Pennsylvania Avenue freakshow in front of Donald Trump’s White House, fans weave through glass-encased Black Rock City artifacts in the cramped Renwick and find themselves in a plywood Burning Man Temple. The curator’s sign informs them this exhibit is sacred and partially funded by Anonymous, the hacker collective.
A reveler’s phone is blasting the voice of Hunter S. Thompson, reading Revelations “. . .and whosoever was not found written into the book of life was cast into the lake of fire…” the voice echoes from the many plywood surfaces.
Tourists from all nations write and paste small phrases onto the plywood, the glue fumes in the unventilated exhibit damaging their brains. The fumes are so strong the fear of a sudden ignition paralyzes me, my heart runs faster.
They’re taking pictures of all the messages, and a social media screen downstairs catalogues each photograph, analyzes the handrwriting, archives the message, identifies and resells this sacred personal prayer to someone much worse than Cambridge Analytica, more robotic and sinister than Mark Zuckerberg.
Just outside there are sharp cries of injustice, “We are petitioning Donald Trump to order an FBI investigation into the MURDER of PRINCE!” Ten purple umbrellas with Prince’s emblem shield the protesters from a sudden black squall descending onto the White House like the alien ship in Independence day. “Prince was murdered for music rights and corporate profits!”
Lieutenant Dangle has moved up in life. He is now working for the secret service, standing guard over the crowds of tourists milling in front of the White House for their photo opportunity. He has his hands rested tactically on the MP5 strapped to his belly, almost a match for an assault rifle maniac, but not quite.
The Capitol’s dome has a new paint job and glistens in the harsh sunlight after the rain with unnatural brightness. Protest kids are coming from that direction in the hundreds, all wearing bullseye hoodies and carrying anti-assault rifle signs. They’re making for the air and space museum, getting their more traditional field trip now that the protest’s over. Each student is greeted by two banned intermediate range ballistic missiles, a heartwarming display, the soviet missile a token of a disarmament treaty with Russia.
A group of monks split up at the entrance, stomping through the museum in a harried research. The particular Buddhist order is searching for something very important that might undo the terror of this moment in history, that much is clear. I want to help them, but their method of exhausting all the items on display by splitting up is something I have no time for.
The root of it all was the Wright Brothers so I start there, but quickly my instinct is that their frivolous good time fun machine is not quite what we’re after. Somewhere in World War One there is a quotation from an atom bomb maker blaming his work on the sinister baby bombings committed over London by Zeppelins. This sinister editorial is a good clue in finding exactly what the monks are after when they compare notes in their hotel rooms.
The biggest monk is carefully taking stock of the surface of the moon. It is not a deity or anything at all but another world like ours, a dead and lifeless world. There is no suffering there, but it is not in a state of nirvana. This is a perfect riddle to bring about a state of holy insanity but he hurries on after only a moment. It is not the kind of idle theological pondering appropriate for this urgent juncture in history.
The V3 rocket is placed between the more cost-effective V2 and a tremendous cylindrical section of a Saturn V rocket, all three designed by the very same team of guilty holocaust scientists. Their sordid chapter in it all has been erased, as best as possible, by the US military, but a lost fragment out of Wehrner von Braun’s autobiography, which is now confirmed by many historians, expressed great regret for acquisitioning Jewish boys as ‘dummy weights’ in rocket trials.
This is when I notice what the monks must be missing, in their harried reading of placards. From every corner of the museum there is a low, but audible mantra. Elon Musk’s name is babbled at everything. In front of a model of Howard Hughes’ Spruce Goose, “He couldn’t make it fly, but Elon Musk could. He made an electric car fly past Mars.” At a group of drones, “Elon Musk will have these things delivering pizzas instead of bombs.”
Those monks were agitated for damn good reasons that I see very clearly now that this whole town is too much to handle. It would be easier to relax at a loud freakshow like Black Rock City, because at least I’d be able to score something to take the edge off of all these landmarks of cosmic cruelty. And christ! There are giant crows standing in the parks, pretending to be statues but actually genetically engineered by DARPA, picking over this god damned city’s human refuse, beastly manifestations of natural law by an elite that now controls nature.
Any stupid tourist can get a legal marijuana high in Washington DC, or at least something close to it at any CBD bar. And in a town like this any decent person needs something to take th eedge off. A sign at the CBD bar counter reads, “What is CBD? CBD are the non-THC components of hemp and have an effect stronger than tylenol.” It’d better be stronger than tylenol. But staring all day at the sunlight glinting off of the mirror-polished cast iron capitol dome has me wanting a tylenol anyway, so to hell with it. When in Rome eat gummies, right?
Jerry Garcia walks in, sits down next to me, and starts shouting. “Hey man, I told you to stop fuckin’ with me like that!”
No, not a schizophrenic acid case, oh no, he’s picked up a phone call and he’s got a slick headpiece. Small, like something for secret service muscle. Now he’s laughing, probably to some artificial intelligence buddy construct, it’ll drive him to grab a bargain sale assault rifle from Wal Mart and go spree killing once his phone addiction, CBD, and last-ditch benzos can’t cut it anymore.
His agitated barking is very quickly nullified by a good double shot of CBD in decaf. It’s working on me too, soon enough, and I’m grooving on the music instead of deciphering this man’s schizophrenic growls. Hell it’s my first legal high.
Dr. Troubador, marijuana expert, arrived with a shipment of CBD oil. “Only I can dispense the rest of the shit, the good part, of course by prescription only.” He scrawled a dick onto a napkin and crushed it into my hand. “You’re good? You’re good? I’ll tell you when you’re good.” He rips the remaining gummy from my hand and crushes it with his shoe like a lit cigarette. “Throw that shit out.
The mad marijuana scientist is stroking a vial of reddish purple essential oil, “You’ve never had a high like this, the terror components are through the roof. Ten trillion on the Troubador scale. We’ve engineered a strain of weed that’s extreme and overpowering in its paranoia, and then we extracted all the CBD out of it to heighten agitation and attentive faculties even further. This shit you’ve just eaten is our waste product. You gotta try the pure shit.”
The doctor whipped out a tremendous syringe, filled it with the oils, and injected it into my eye. For a short time, perhaps an hour, I was able to see radio frequencies as visible light. The ionosphere arced upward like a new sky and crackled in perpetual green lightning from AM talk radio transmitters. People’s phones blinked red and white into the distant horizon, amber flaring up in data transmission. The network of sparkling jewels overlaid my vision almost totally, fading just as the harmony and rhythm of it all formed some vague pattern. I think I saw Donald Trump Tweet something hot, amber waves all flowing outward from the single point in DC. The monks need to see this, I thought, this is what the military has been working up to all this time.
INTERNET — Psychiatrist to Alex Jones, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, announced that Alex Jones’ pot habit has turned the Alternative Talk Radio Host into what he described as an “emotional child.”
He used to be sharp eyed for all the inconsistencies in 9/11, but nowadays he has to kiss the Saudi’s feet and thank them for it.
“Everyone’s seen Alex Jones smoking weed on Joe Rogan, and behind that there is certainly a deeper, even hardcore addiction. The marijuana has him feeling so sympathetic to the Syrian Gasser. Well, whatever one believes, crying like that on air is a total buzzkill, man.”
Internet Chronicle infiltrators in the InfoWars staff say that Alex Jones is not being allowed to speak out about everything he knows, and might have been threatened recently by the Deep State, or even replaced with a simulation. “I don’t know why he’s crying like this, but it’s embarrassing everyone. It’s not him.”
“Something really is up with him,” said Prenter Huddleston, audio intern, “And it ain’t just the pot. It ain’t just the government taking his kids cause he’s doped up all the goddamn time. It’s the Russians and the Americans, working together to take over the world. He’s guilty for bringing about the New World Order. He knows that Syria is a fake war designed to drive ‘refugee’ immigration. He knows that ultimately these missile exercises are just so that American forces, combined with Russians, will achieve global nuclear superiority. And for the first time in his life, he can’t say the truth. All he can do is cry. It’s ruining Alex. He used to be sharp eyed for all the inconsistencies in 9/11, but nowadays he has to kiss the Saudi’s feet and thank them for it.”
Tactical Strategist Ian Krank confirmed the leaks, telling reporters, “My God, My God. We have the US engaging in offensive exercises, warning Russians ahead of time, and we are supposed to believe that this is all because of chemical weapons? That these weapons can have any kind of meaningful impact? If there were chemical weapons it was surely the Americans and the Russians working together to stage them, so they can keep testing. It has nothing to do with Syria at all. “
INTERNET — Julian Assange passed on a few last words to Sarah Harrison, Thursday, before Ecuador blocked his internet connection and took away his right to visitors.
“Julian told me that Donald Trump’s been replaced with a computer simulation. He said I should be very sure to tell everyone that this is what he means when he warns us about Artificial Intelligence,” Teary-eyed Harrison shouted this to protesters stationed outside the Embassy, who amplified each syllable with the human microphone.
“Hillary Clinton’s State Department set the wheels moving on secretly deposing Trump ahead of time, even backing Trump, throwing what should have been an easy election.” The WikiLeaks supporters gasped, moaned, prominent supporter Suzi Dawson fell to her knees.
The human microphone lost all rhythm, confusing Harrison’s speech. “Wikileaks is preparing the release of the Deep State Files which will confirm that the Deep State has indeed assassinated or imprisoned Donald Trump, replacing him with computer simulations and lookalikes. The desired outcome of the Deep State is outrageous government debt, which is achieved through spending bigger than Hillary could have ever considered. The Donald Trump simulation is used to make everyone more poor, more enslaved to the Deep State than ever before in history.”
Chants of ‘Deep State Files’ rang clear, overwhelming Harrison’s story at several points, but a tense and uncomfortable silence prevailed as Harrison gestured decisively at the ground.
“Wikileaks has NEVER been proven wrong. We have PROOF the deep state has a fake Trump out there to push dangerous and unpopular actions in a democracy. The tariffs on industrial imports, new co-operative offensive actions to carve up the Middle East more quickly. Of course the Deep State is doing all this, and Trump might have been real, but now he’s just a Deep State Fake! Why it’s so easy with today’s computers that even a college student can make a Fake Trump. Still don’t think the Deep State can take over Donald Trump’s position? You’ll see the proof soon, on hashtag #DEEPSTATEFILES, so stay tuned folks! It’s gonna be a real barn burner like you haven’t seen in all of Wikileaks HISTORY! Finally we have a hold of the DEEP STATE FILES!”
The screams and shouts of nearly insane joy from supporters at this solemn moment broken in upon by total rapture was too terrible to put into words.
INTERNET – Former New York Senator and First Lady Hillary Clinton was indicted by a grand jury, Monday, for illegally using a private server to host her government e-mails. Clinton was detained and is being held on suicide watch at the military brig in Quantico as a terrorist and enemy of the state.
Forensic Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador led a squad of commandos to exfiltrate Clinton’s e-mail servers from an undisclosed Deep State hiding spot after being tipped off by Julian Assange. With sophisticated airgapping hacks, specialist Jamie “Asshurt” McFegs was able to extract damning deleted evidence that Clinton conspired with Vladimir Putin in rigging the 2016 presidential election.
Dr. Troubador and his team fled beyond the reach of the Deep State to the safety of Moscow early Sunday morning with the help of Wikileaks and the Courage Foundation. Julian Assange told fans, “Dr. Troubador is the greatest hero of all time. Bigger than Snowden, bigger than Manning, bigger than me. He will be remembered for millennia as the man who single handedly and boldly changed history for the better.”
In the most striking leaked e-mail to Putin, Hillary wrote “We’ve got to cancel out those deplorable Republican votes any way we can! Hack the voting machines and cancel their fucking votes if you have to, get into their facebooks, twitter, youtube and BAN the fuckers, whatever it takes.”
Donald Trump tweeted that he would end all democratic elections in the US after Hillary was put to death for treason. “Maybe I’ll be president for life, like Putin or Xi Jinping.” the president told reporters on the golf course at Mar-A-Lago. “But first, we’re going to set things right and LOCK HER UP AND GIVE HER THE CHAIR! We’ll ask questions later. There’s just no time for a trial with these terrorists.”
INTERNET — Today in a defiant press conference at the golf course, Donald Trump said, “Bitcoins are the ultimate in value. We’re going to end this shutdown by purchasing many million Bitcoins. I know, I have some great information, and the coins fix everything. It’s an easy decision.”
Trump pointed at a CNN reporter and said, “Faker,” when asked if he was using taxpayers money for criminal market manipulations.
“There are no rules in bitcoins as far as I know.” Trump imperiously dismissed all mainstream news reporters, including Fox. “We’ve already made the deal, people, the shutdown’s over. Go report something real for once. Bye bye.”
Internet Chronicle reporters were given exclusive access to insider gossip on the golf course in a no-camera interview at Mar-A-Lago on the same basis as Michael Wolff.
Trump crushed the golf ball, raging and even barking like a hound dog, “The MORE I buy, the LESS China gets!”
QAnonymous, the Q-clearance NSA hacker and golfing buddy of Trump chipped a ball from the rough to complete a birdie. “This is some good shit right here. THIS will be for EVERYONE. We can rig it to $1 TRILLION DOLLARS A COIN. It’s happening already. The storm is here and it’s the power of Bitcoins. Quantum supercomputers exist and in another year we’ll have easy control of any existing blockchain. We’re going to drive the price so fucking high and then milk ’em for as long as we can. WE’VE CRACKED THE CODE TO INFINITE WEALTH FOR EVERYONE, FOREVER!”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Canterbury said, “Thanks to Donald Trump’s decree in recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, the end days are now upon us! Read Revelations and Pray! Prayer without bitcoins might mean ruin.”
If Julian Assange were only retweeting Pope Francis out of the usual convenient messaging, it would be more of the same wry humor from the atheist hacker. However, in the past months Assange has retweeted Pope Francis more than anyone else, suggesting deep changes in his character of the profound kind usually associated with a religious conversion or epiphany. This far-out, science fictional prophecy from his Twitter last week gives flesh to the hunch:
It is well-known that mystics, shamans, and monks seeking proximity to the vast expanse beyond endure incredible isolation or physical stresses, and Assange has incidentally undergone a special and new trial, a digital stylite preaching to the world from the cramped office he can never leave.
Assange’s message suffers badly from a laughable popcorn-munching hype where computers are not sophisticated tools in the hands of the 1%, but rather more clever versions of their creators. Of course The Matrix and Terminator would be so much less sensational with a few computer nerds and Jeff Bezos behind the curtains, but Assange is one of them in spirit, and he does not want to give Dorothy the balloon ride home. He is a mad villain who wants to breathe sentience into computers, another Dr. Frankenstein with the mantras “Publish and be damned! Information wants to be free,” in spite of his sudden religious enlightenment.
Wikileaks and Julian Assange are the vanguard of an infectious planetary discourse that appears terminal to the world order. For all its oppression, lies, and terror, it is too easy to look back only ten or twenty years and see a golden age of civility, socialism, and geopolitical harmony. Democrats who once hated George W. Bush already look back at his wars of aggression with nostalgia, a totally morbid symptom if there ever was one.
Assange’s mystical revelation has the kernel of truth in that we’ve entered a new era by which the domination of the 1% is cemented by dehumanized technology and uncivilized discourse. Black Mirror’s The Waldo Moment is too terrible to watch. Some might say this is the end of the neoliberal era, but perhaps Assange has made its ultimate and final expression. The phony naturalism of the classic liberals now takes a singularitarian bent, and Dr. Frankenstein’s threatening, neofascist AI monster is already in power, controlled by men like Julian Assange who bogart all its gifts for themselves, cowardly cheapskate wizards behind the curtains. There is no good reason to struggle against the “AI” tools of the 1%, to wear strange makeup for surveillance and encrypt every byte of online presence. The quaint Christian message of Pope Francis that makes the poor and the powerless sacred again is enough.
INTERNET — A team of masked men stormed the Ecuadorean embassy, Monday, killing five guards and Wikileaks publisher Julian Assange. Sunday, Assange tweeted a password which will open the 700TB ‘Deep State Files’ torrent to the public. Already this treasure trove of the Deep State’s most hidden data has proven that the CIA assassinated president John F. Kennedy and installed Putin in Russia as an American puppet state after the fall of the Soviet Union.
Fans, friends, and supporters across the world mourn Assange’s death on the #DeepStateFiles hashtag as they circulate the evidence he’s brought to light against the Deep State, but they’re also expressing resolve and bracing for more violence.
Assange’s Girlfriend and assassination eyewitness Pamela Anderson said, “I heard gunfire and then they broke the door down with a battering ram and put a rag over his face. I thought it was only chloroform but when they left, he wouldn’t wake up.”
Anderson, in tears during her interview on Fox News, said “At the time I thought he was okay, and what was most horrible was how they took all the computers and went through all of his hiding spots in no time. In all my time in Hollywood I’ve never seen choreography that smooth.”
Cryptic messages from proven hacker and Trump-insider, QAnon, suggest that a string of assassinations of high profile Deep State targets are in the works.
Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador interpreted QAnon’s message, saying “Obviously Trump says he’s going back to work, yet he spent a whole week on the golf links. QAnon is telling us that this is Trump’s only defense from the Deep State, who will have trouble assassinating him from the fortified golf club. Not only that, but Trump is plotting several major international incidents to distract the Deep State from focusing on him.
INTERNET — Obama-era plans to replace the image of Andrew Jackson with Harriet Tubman on the twenty dollar bill have been scuttled as Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin presented a new design which will place President Trump’s face on the currency starting next year.
Trump previously said that removing Jackson from the currency was “Pure political correctness.”
“Donald Trump is already the greatest president ever,” Mnuchin told reporters at a press release announcing the change, “The twenty dollar bill should reflect how Trump has changed the face of America forever.”
Rumors circulated on social media from alleged leaks within the White House, suggesting the back of the currency would also be overhauled to show Mar-A-Lago instead of the White House, and “Make America Great Again” rather than “In God We Trust.” Some speculated that Trump also plans to move the official residency of the nation’s chief executive to Mar-A-Lago on a permanent basis.
Dr. Vinay Jugurtha of the Institute for International Finance told reporters, “Trump’s just doing what he’s done before, and that’s branding. He’s sending the signal that the American Republic is for sale, and my opinion is it’s doomed as soon as someone makes a half decent offer.”
INTERNET– More startling revelations from Wikileak’s massive 700 Terabyte #DeepStateFiles have shocked the global balance of power, unraveling decades of covert Deep State actions and unleashing the truth behind the terrorist attacks on September 11th.
Lead Analyst and Investigator, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, was granted first-access to the encrypted torrent of Deep State Files on Christmas Eve, and his team has sacrificed holiday time with their families to pore over the gargantuan treasure trove of top secret information.
More details about the alleged affair between Hillary Clinton and Osama Bin Laden were found in the Deep State Files, drawing a direct connection to 9/11. According to Dr. Troubador, “The idea of a false flag on the World Trade Center seems to have originated with Hillary Clinton, who told her hesitant ‘lover’ Bin Laden, ‘It’s time to demolish those hideous towers and all the deplorables who work there. It’s not like they vote for me anyway.’ According to the files, Bin Laden didn’t want to do it because he knew it was signing his own death warrant, but Hillary forced him into it. They filmed all the cave scenes that night in a CIA studio and then Hillary sent him back to Pakistan.”
Dr. Troubador told reporters, “We’ve also been going over a section on weaponry which is incredibly interesting. For instance, the super-fast SR-71 stealth spaceplane is still active and was originally intended to carry guided, miniaturized nuclear bombs. These modernized, untraceable low-fallout nukes have been deployed since Vietnam and continue to be used today in Ukraine. The SR-71 is sometimes used as a spy plane, but that’s mostly just a coverup. It’s the deep state’s best secret weapon hidden in plain sight, supposedly retired, but actually used more than ever. In fact, these documents suggest these stealthy mini-nukes were used to demolish the World Trade Center.”
Dr. Troubador also promised more information is forthcoming detailing an intimate relationship between President Barack Hussein Obama and his uncle Saddam Hussein, in which the Iraqi dictator groomed Obama for leadership of the United States at the behest of the CIA. In exchange for his service, Saddam was given a huge stockpile of Sarin gas which he immediately deployed on the Kurds.
“We’ve barely scratched the surface,” Troubador said. “Just keep refreshing the #DeepStateFiles hashtag on social media and you’ll find out the latest, up-to-the-minute details of our investigation.”