Hackers broadcast satanic YouTube cult leader on Las Vegas Dome

LAS VEGAS — Citizens were shocked and alarmed at the sight of YouTuber KingCobraJFS eating pizza-like food on the Las Vegas Dome, Sunday afternoon, in what many thought at first to be an ill-advised Little Caesar’s ad campaign.
Sphere Entertainment confirmed that the footage was unauthorized and an internal cybersecurity investigation is ongoing in cooperation with local and federal authorities.
Little Caesar’s issued an official statement to the press saying, “Little Caesar’s condemns the actions of any satanic hackers who may have breached the secure systems. Little Caesar’s pizza is not a sponsor or an affiliate of the KingCobraJFS YouTube channel and can be equally enjoyed by members of all faiths.”
Hacking Group SpitterSec took to twitter, claiming credit for the breach. “King Cobra for President,” the group tweeted, adding, “Long Live Ozzy, f-ck the trolls!
Video footage care of r/kingcobrajfs

Which one of you did this?
byu/kiltrout inkingcobrajfs

This claim was substantiated by cybersecurity expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “Attribution is always a dicey business but I checked their pastebin and it looked pretty legit. Great ASCII art, too.”
Internet Chronicle reporters were unable to contact Joshua Fay Saunders, the mastermind behind the King Cobra character and leader of the Cobra Cult.
Las Vegas police chief Danny Larsen told reporters, “There is no indication at this time that Mr. Saunders had anything to do with the attack, and we are already aware of those involved due to similar previous pranks in several local casinos.”
King Cobra is the center of an extremist Satanic cult known as the Cobra Cult, an up-and-coming faith that preaches excessive drinking, smoking, and the occasional use of inhalants as part of a mystical journey towards “belief in oneself.” Members of the transphobic cult are taught, even from a young age, to create unholy “food hacks” and other cooking abominations.
Former Cobra Cult member Benny Johnson reached out to the Internet Chronicle, giving a dire warning that the cult is far more sinister than its fun-loving appearance on YouTube, “I was desperate for anything, anything at all to take away the pain of my involuntary celibacy. One day I was browsing YouTube and it was like Cobes was talking to me, personally, and he understood all the suffering I’d been through. I bought the pheromone soap and started dressing just like Cobra. And you know what? It worked perfectly. I was getting laid ten, sometimes twenty times a week. I realized his channel had turned me into a sicko, a sex junkie, and I got out. Some weren’t so lucky, and they’re in jail now, or they will be soon. To anyone who is still in the Cobra Cult or thinking about joining, I just want you to know, there are better ways. It’s never too late to leave. And if you do decide to stay, take it easy on the duster.”

Experts warn that hopes for a better year in 2024 are misplaced

dr troubadour
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

Folks across the nation are breathing in the clean, natural air of hopeful optimism with the COVID-19 pandemic now reduced to the status of the flu or the common cold. Herd immunity has finally kicked in, and Americans are again feeling cautiously safe and optimistic about the future.

“I’m optimistic that 2024 will be better than the past few years,” Benny Johnson told reporters. “It just has to be, right? It can’t get worse than this.”

However, most analysts strongly disagree with this new positive attitude. The consensus among trendcasters is that centuries of decline for human civilization are ahead, with no possible course correction.

“The conflict in Ukraine is continuing and even showing signs of intensifying. Meanwhile, the violent expulsion of Palestinians from Gaza by the Israeli military has widened into a conflict that has costly implications for global shipping routes,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Future Institute told reporters. “The desperate financial optimism for computing businesses represents a dire overvaluation of an industry which is beginning to show signs of strain, with record layoffs for software companies in 2023. It’s only a matter of time before we see some major players go under. Another dotcom bust is on the bingo card for next year, and the second great depression to follow will ignite powder kegs on every continent.”

Dr. Troubador growled, like an animal, inspiring pangs of fear in the terrorized press corp assembled outside Lebal Drocer, Inc. “Among the most over-optimistic of all people are climate protestors who believe that there is any possible way to slow or undo changing weather patterns that are increasingly deadly to human life. The truth is that without the ever growing emissions there’s just no way to currently support the ever increasing population. By 2070, I predict there will be mosquitoes the size of pickup trucks, capable of sucking people dry through the spacesuits they’ll need to survive outdoors.” Troubador twisted the rhetorical knife with a grim half smile, adding, “Snake oil sales, however, are through the roof. Remember folks, TerrorMax is the one and only FDA-free drug manufactured, packaged, and shipped by drone from international waters that also fully treats the terror of historic forces beyond your control. Take TerrorMax now. Don’t settle for that ol’ wives’ tale that booze and dope is enough when you have thousands of dial-a-yield doomsday weapons in the death grips of absolute madmen. Take matters into your own hands.”


YouTube Minecraft legend Dream dead at 24

ORLANDO — Fans mourn the loss of Clayton Huff, better known as the Minecraft YouTuber Dream, after friends found him dead in his apartment from an apparent overdose.

Orlando police chief Clint Saunders told reporters, “Mr. Huff died suddenly and tragically. Our investigation revealed a toxic concentration of fentanyl in his bloodstream and we have not yet ruled out foul play. However, we are also investigating Mr. Huff over sexual complaints from many young women and girls in the area.”

Dream’s death was immediately sullied by fellow content creators, looking to cash in on the millions of potential views in rushing to be the first to deliver the grim news.

“Dream still had his mask on, slouched over his keyboard with several instances of Minecraft running. He passes out like this all the time, but when he didn’t move for a while I tried to help him and he was colder than a crisp, energizing bottle of G-Fuel,” Sapnap told his fans, taking a long swig of the cool drink just moments before calling in the YouTuber’s death to emergency services.

Police are looking into the possibility of foul play, after a fury of questions raised by fans who were suspicious of the live-streamed death announcement.

“I mean I get it, anything can be content. When Dream cheated a little bit in Minecraft, well at least he was making money. But starting up a stream before calling the cops? It’s either suspicious or depraved, I’m not sure which,” said Nancy Howard, mother of little Jeremy Howard, who only calms down when she puts on YouTube. “I don’t like the example they’re setting for my boy.”

Sapnap further angered friends and family of Dream by reading out an alleged suicide note, directed at haters. This video went viral when xQc, known for his famous worm-like reactions, live streamed himself crawling around on the carpet of his apartment and moaning triumphantly as Sapnap read out the suicide note, “Soon, everyone on Earth will know who I am and my death will be BURNED into their memories. Finally my album will get the radio play it deserves, and none of the trolls can send me to prison with their false accusations. I WIN. THE END.”