Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Fans expressed both glee and dismay as Elon Musk announced the formation of a new American political party, Friday, in celebration of Independence Day.

Floating the names “X-ist,” and “America Party” Musk promised full adherence to all non-viral ideologies and accession of the manifest destiny of the United States government to full control over the solar system and ultimately the galaxy.

Perennial critics at YourAnonNews asked, “Why does America need another billionaire’s party?”

Musk fired back, limiting the visibility not only of the account but of the entire line of critical thought, identifying even its sarcastic expressions utilizing sophisticated AI.

In a scene reminiscent of Waco, ICE agents laid siege to Musk’s compound in Texas at dawn this morning, with denaturalization proceedings for the South African billionaire expected to revoke his citizenship by this afternoon.

Festooned with the latest military technology, ICE Command Trooper first class Henrique Von Braun of Pennsylvania projected his voice directly into Musk’s office with the LRAD’s laser-like intensity, “We’ve got ten semi trucks with scores of fiber optic FPV drones ready to deploy at a moments notice, and a dozen toxic gamers with itchy trigger fingers, Mr. Musk. Just come out peacefully, while you still have a chance at due process.”

“That’s a lie,” Von Braun winked at reporters, who watched on in astonishment as he wielded limitless paramilitary style power. “Hit him with the microwave beam, let’s see how that apartheid bastard likes a little Havana Syndrome.”

An ICE trooper shouldered a large weapon, resembling a large film camera. In the oversized monitor, reporters could make out the infrared light signature of an oddly barrel-chested man holding a child up as a human shield. “That ain’t gonna stop this weapon,” the trooper laughed with a cruel smirk. A humming and then the smell of burnt electronics was observed as both figures fell to the ground in anguished paroxysms.

Fans mourn the loss of Aella, prominent sex influencer, writer, and pornstar. Aella was found dead in her San Francisco penthouse Monday morning by police investigating a noise complaint. Deputy Frankie Hardswallow said the adult film star “died in unspeakable pleasure.”

Detective Chris Mooney has not yet ruled out foul play, saying, “It sure looks like a suicide to me, but she was mixed up with some really messed up people, said and did many things most normal people might find despicable.”

Aella was a member of a Neo-Randist cult called “The Rationalists,” a nascent organization loosely bound together by the perceived threat of AI undermining the human drive towards excellence. Like Rand’s so-called Objectivism, its founder Eliezer Yudkowsky charts out a path to Truth, his so called Sequences. Yudkowsky’s tedious intuition pump essays appeal most of all to unwary young engineers and software developers who hope to optimize the logic of their brain. However, the violent past of Yudkowsky’s radicalized followers has necessarily caused concern for local police investigating the still-unexplained death of Aella.

Public opinion of Aella’s “Rationalism” as applied to intimate human relations turned her into a grotesque lolcow on social media, trolling abuse culminating in her reaction, “…I’m a meme…I feel kind of broken…I’m so sad the world is shaped this way.” Social media user Sarah Norman responded, “I don’t even follow her and yet she is on my timeline talking taboo this, sex that, children this, and so what? No one cares. I don’t care. Fix the algorithm, Elon.”

Internet Chronicle was able to reach Grimes, pop star and sole defender of Aella’s philosophy. Grimes told reporters, “I want this like, off the record, okay? Quote the other stuff I said. It’s like, she’s a philosopher. Hello? You’re supposed to be making people angry and provoking their reaction big time. Flat out, they just don’t get it. Like a play party is where adults have sex, not kids. It wasn’t really like that at all, not like they say at least.”

Porn fanatic Jeb Garvin wrote on Aella’s memorial Facebook page, “I never got the philosophy thing from her, I always thought she was more about gangbangs. Always felt like I could talk books with Charlotte Sartre or even Sasha Grey, but I never got the feeling like Aella reads too much. To each their own.”

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Justin Bieber, who was found dead in his Beverly Park mansion Sunday afternoon. Bieber sold over a trillion records and held the world record for securing the Teen Choice Awards 18 years in a row. Bieber was 31 years old.

Los Angeles Police Chief Jeff Sable told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Our mortician says he ain’t seen a body this pickled since Michael Jackson. We found enough Fentanyl in his fingernail to wipe out an elementary school.”

A gaggle of screaming Bieber fans wailed and gnashed their teeth upon the pavement, with over a dozen arrested for slashing their wrists open at the announcement of his death.

“Foul play is never out of the question!” Chief Sable smiled as unruly fans were carted off to prison, “And I’m sure we’ll be looking into this one for the next fifty years, a tragedy even greater than Elvis.”

Staring into the camera and entirely breaking the fourth wall, the career law enforcement man’s eyes widened, “There’s a lot more going on here than we’re ever going to know. I’ll tell you what, he looked like a porcupine when we pulled him outta that bed of heroin needles.”

Meandering off topic, Sheriff Sable put out a stark warning to the public that law enforcement was looking to pad out its prison populations. Peering over his lectern, eying the people like sheep in need of shearing, the words smacked his salivating lips, “Y’all teenagers out here today, if you think you can get away with throwin’ popcorn at the movie theaters, think again. My men are at the ready at every movie theater within fifty miles of here, and I locked up twenty of you yesterday. We will put vandals away and make money doing it.” He sighed, speaking to himself, “Our prisoners all got sent off to El Salvador and the prisons are in the red, we’re just looking for anything, any crime anywhere, just so we can keep the doors open.”

The sheriff snapped out of his dissociative murmring and brandished his sidearm, reassuring the crowd of his authority. “You ain’t got nothin’ to fear if ye just do as I say. Now get on out of here!”