Cody of Cody’s Lab dead at 26

Cody died in a bathtub full of Mercury, Thursday, as the liquid metal sucked all the heat out of his body in a matter of seconds.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Cody Reeder, host of popular YouTube science channel Cody’s Lab. Reeder passed away Thursday from cold shock after floating himself in a bathtub full of mercury.

Cody’s Lab was recently suspended by YouTube, after it was flagged for showing Cody microwaving insects.

Salt Lake City Coroner Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It sucked so much heat out of him so quickly it caused a sudden dilation in his arteries and a cardiac arrest.” Dr Troubador also found high levels of elemental mercury in Cody’s bloodstream, which he believed “accumulated over many well-documented years of contact with mercury.”

Recently, Cody ignited a bead of nitroglycerine with a knife, shattering it and cutting his finger even through leather welding gloves. In 2016, Cody fired cryogenic mercury projectiles from a frozen homemade gun, all inside of a small tent. In other videos the YouTube star dips his hands in mercury, flushes a toilet full of mercury, and even tests himself for mercury poisoning.

Dr. Troubador said, “The vapors got to him, and maybe some microbeads on his skin. It wouldn’t show up on a toxicology report because it’s not toxic. The elemental stuff got in his bloodstream long before he was frozen stiff by the bath, and it just sits there in the capillaries. Sure, it’s not poisonous at all, but ultimately it did add to the sudden strain on his circulatory system and his tragic, tragic death.”

Critics and fans alike have cast blame on YouTube’s increasingly stingy monetization scheme as well as its twisted algorithms, which drive content creators like Cody to engage in dangerous behavior just to get viewers on their channel.

AvE, YouTube star and friend of Cody, told reporters, “Every year YouTube pays just half what they paid last year, and guys like Cody are chasing that dragon, trying to make a living, and in a lot of ways, YouTube is to blame here.”

This August, AvE was hospitalized after his penis was injured in a pneumatic vice accident while filming patreon exclusive content. “It’s fuckin’ insane what we do just to scrape a few bucks together to make and share cool shit on the internet. At some point we’ve got to draw a line though. Is Cody that line? I don’t know. Mercury freezing a guy solid like that, in a matter of seconds, just think about it. Something doesn’t add up. Look at how Cody is highlighting their stingy no good back dealing exploitation of content makers, and oh, now he suddenly freezes to death and you’ve got some fake doctor saying it’s because he’s inhaling mercury? I don’t believe it for a fucking second. Someone very powerful is up to no good.”

Barron Trump caught “Grabbing Pussies”

Was Barron Trump caught grabbing Pussies?

INTERNET — CNN and NBC reports Barron Trump has been reprimanded for allegedly grabbing girls’ and women’s vaginas at his school and in the White House.

Expert analysis on these networks suggest Barron Trump will surely face criminal charges. After this scandal broke, rumors of an unthinkable pre-emptive presidential pardon have circled around Washington, blowing the bottom off of the Trump administration’s now bottomless mire of scandal and perversion.

So far there has been no official message, but the First Lady told reporters at a White House lunch, “The fake news needs to leave Barron alone. I never put him in time out and he never grabbed any women. And to the people on social media tweeting at him, they need to be banned for threatening a child like this.”

Barron Trump deactivated his twitter account after social media users criticized him for the alleged attacks. Roseanne Barr tweeted, “This little Nazi is a #PussyGrabber rapist just like his dad, Hitler!” Twitter responded to The First Lady’s demands, banning all users who sent Barron rape and murder threats.

Many Trump supporters also took to twitter, celebrating Barron’s pubescent masculinity. Thousands of teenage girls and grown women including Laura Loomer tweeted lewd and possibly illegal messages of adoration on the “#PussyGrabMe” hashtag. Several of these accounts including Loomer’s have been temporarily suspended.

Internet Chronicle White House correspondents say Barron Trump has been taking it easy, enjoying long bubble baths and ordering pizza, ‘self-caring’ to heal away the trauma inflicted by social media attacks. Currently he is working on Pokemon Moon. Off the record, Barron said, “There’s some good folks on both sides, I guess.”

EXCLUSIVE: Breitbart email leak authorized by Milo Yiannopolis

INTERNET — A torrent of hate fell upon reporter David Auerbach as Buzzfeed’s bottom grade journalism reported an obvious fabrication in its bombshell reporting on a leak revealing the interior workings of Breitbart’s propaganda creation process.

The Buzzfeed article showed Milo Yiannopolous recruited neonazis and white nationalists, editing and controlling their expressions to maintain an aura of deniability that is the trademark “Taco Salad” routine in neofascist politik.

Auerbach is a longtime hater of Yiannopolis and one of the most well-spoken and effective enemies of gamergate, but the Buzzfeed report contained a catastrophically defamatory allegation that Auerbach denies, in which he passed a pro-gamergate lead to Milo.

So what the fuck actually is going on? The Buzzfeed story may be written by the typical on-brand gullible imbeciles, but its narrative does show something true in the decline of Milo’s career. He  is a man who has become more alienated from Bannon, is dying to get back to Breitbart, failed to organize a free speech event and even failed the easy task of playing victim and framing it as a censorship. What better motive to leak his own dirty laundry, and oh, why not slip in a little mischief for Auerbach on the side?

Only Auerbach’s portion of the conversation remains after Yiannopolis was banned from twitter for promoting a racist, sexist pile-on of Leslie Jones. Even half of the exchange implies a hidden personal dimension and overcharged animus between the two men.

In leaking his own email correspondences and drawing eyeballs, building up his character as a deceptive and crafty propagandist, Milo is both appealing to and emulating Steve Bannon, who famously contacted Robert Kuttner to leak secrets from within the White House after he was fired in the wake of the Charlottesville massacre, presumably responsible for the “both sides” scandal.

Will Milo get his job back? Is he satisfied with the irony of instrumentalizing anti-gamergate Buzzfeed for revenge, or will he continue to disrobe himself in order to extend his flagging career? Tune in next week as Steve Bannon’s meth house revs up production and Laurie Penny stops by just for the fun.

The 99% are “not happy” about Internet

INTERNET — Attorney General Jeff Sessions ordered increased enforcement of free speech, Tuesday, triggering what the fake news media has dubbed a “wave of protest against liberal political correctness.”

Citizen journalists report militarized police units are being deployed in every major city marching through streets and pointing loaded weapons at houses and announcing free speech assemblies using LRAD audio weapons capable of penetrating twenty story apartment buildings. Those who do not assemble are being threatened, their homes invaded and parallel charges cooked up in highly unconstitutional hatred, most especially in neighborhoods with people of color. Blue Lives Matters cops loot televisions and large quantities of drugs without filing charges. And at the free speech assemblies the participants are shot if they do not say at least three racial slurs and make at least three politically incorrect jokes. The laughter is forced, the speech is freed. Who will kneel first?

Now with Donald Trump dispensing actual, politically incorrect truths from the highest office of military power on the planet, many secrets have come to light about the deep state and its true aims at imperialist domination of the entire world. Even with the ongoing investigations of Russian meddling at the highest levels of US government, the Russian Propagandists are able to manipulate the minds of enough people to make voters believe Donald Trump did nothing wrong. This technology and the resources devoted to it have become so powerful as to sway major voting blocs and opinions in every corner of the world that has accepted the gift of cell phones. The implications of this have triggered upheaval unlike anything in all of history, creating an opportunity for someone to seize power. And why not? Look at who has power and their unequaled evils in comparison to all of history.

Do not forget a near century of global systematic CIA, USA torture, blood on two hands visible only to Unamericans — Hiroshima, Nagasaki — now the the world tipping into into a full scale quivering capitalism orgasm with the prophesied plebian suffering in Diamond Age, a weaponized, racialized, classified hipsterist Jackpot.

Trump’s glowing invisible made visible hand as The Apprentice’s Sorceror Grabs and ruins the Football Business, Women’s Business, Black People’s Business, Muslim’s Business, Mexican’s Business. And the White people of America quiver in fear of everything but also that their ignominious TV star President might hurt their businesses should they speak out against him or perhaps find themselves named in a stray typo of the drunken cokehead’s back pocket tweet.

At the heart of all this Global Carnage and torturing of democratic and communist movements, installing of anarcho-capitalist strongman regimes like Putin’s, the Internet is growing in this fertile death heap to become the most tremendous deep state weapon and battleground, as designed first by the US military’s budget for mass mind control, now for any of the 1%.

That’s why the Internet Chronicle is announcing the creation of Pursuance+, the ultimate in “Pursuant Technologies” designed to tip the scales back in our favor, back to the 99%. This ain’t some fly-by-night vaporware project done up by a heroin junkie who did federal time for carding and guilted a bunch of volunteers into supporting him. No! This is a serious operation run by none other than the legendary hacker Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador who once DDoS’d Steven Seagal personally. Pursuance+ has a secured and encrypted closed source kit providing everything that its idiotic and unsafe open source competitors have as well as tons of quality of life improvements that make it fun to share photos and memes with your fellow revolutionary vanguard.

As a Glorious Gold user of Pursuance+ you’ll receive 10,000 valuable Pursuant Coins immediately and be mainlined one-time-pad encrypted tasks after randomized internet strangers pass off decryption codes, meeting you at specified locations and times in real life for optimal safety. How you achieve each Pursuance is up to you, and we take no legal responsibility. Through this uncrackable trick we can escape the clutches of even natural law itself, since our deeds will remain scrambled until the heat death of the universe — all thanks to the magic of encryption.

Ironically, this powerful technology developed by the US government is how we are going to overthrow and remove the very idea of a nation state, replacing it with a new crest in human civilizational development known as the era of Pursuance+. Pursuance+ Systems sister gaming company Lebal Drocer Games Incorporated has already launched a pirated mod of Civilization VI featuring the Pursuance+ age and outlining the various advances that will come about. For example, a new unit of badly equipped militias can be built in enemy cities with a monument known as Troll City, an entire city of people who through use of Pursuance+ expansive management schemes can come together on the internet to incite revolts at a whim. Critics have agreed this is a welcome and realistic return to the diplomat and spy mechanics of Civilization 2.

Lebal Drocer and Pursuance+ is incredibly proud to announce evolving the human race into a new and amazing superorganism far, far beyond what even Nazi historian Spengler could imagine. Now that we’ve seen all of history spread before us as we stand upon our mountain of modern wisdom, let us, for the betterment of Mankind, accept Pursuance+ into our very souls and log on each day, obtaining as many Pursuance Coins as possible.

Barrett Brown speaks at Dr. Troubador’s memorial ceremony

Giving a dedication speech at a ceremony dedicated to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador’s future grave and unveiling a fantastic bronze statue in his own likeness and honor, Barrett Brown smiled for local news cameras. His speech was eloquent and mesmerizing, awing all the people present, “We analyzed the entire situation of the world from within the most classified backchannels at the very core of the Pursuance Project’s alpha test. I beg to differ with Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who has been stalking me online! You’ve got to understand, the American Dream is a series of these classic, 18th century liberal self-destroying enterprises, from Raleigh Theodore Sakers Company to Myspace and on now the unimaginable cyber shores beyond the depravity of Crash and the mind-programming Silicon Valley lifestyle-franchising mafiosos seizing power with weaponized teen pussy in Snowcrash, Mason & Dixon, multiverse computer games, and Jesus Christ himself reborn once again as Advanced Human, former Voice of Anonymous, and only man with the cell phone that can text God himself, Christopher “The Voice” Nemelka. Whereupon you find yourself at the mercy of a pussy grabbing game show host who’s been barking fake news about Obama’s Nigerian Daddy for years and now he’s telling you, ‘you’re fired.’ That’s the American Dream.”

“Wow that made profound sense and had something to do with the world of politics and it increases my value to read all those inside jokes. As an erudite and attentive reader of incredible literature this is what I enjoy most. But that couldn’t have been Barrett Brown,” Dr. Troubador tugged at his beard once, and stroked it harder and harder as he came to a logical conclusion. “Firstly, he loves classic liberalism. To him it is the same thing as anarchism in that they’re both an extreme form of naturalism, both the same as his original Randian objectivism. This is very well documented. And besides, he would have said something about Pursuance Software Systems.”

“Pursuance Software Systems? What’s that?” Randy said as he walked in. “Yun’s havin’ a pot party?”

“I’m fuckin’ glad you asked,” yelped Barrett. “You motherfuckers just log on to purusanceproject.com and type in all your social media site passwords and then you’ll automatically tweet and faceboook me and my friends posts. When you post dank shit of your own that follows the idea of destroying governments everywhere you’re issued points that will allow you back into the chatrooms ultimately of elite people like myself who will task you further with more intense retweeting, comment writing, and other posting schemes that may even land you in control of more power in the future anti-government. It’s a whole universe going to emerge out of this incredible new web site. It’s Anonymous 2.0! It’s a superorganism.”

“Superorgasm?” Randy scratched his head. “That don’t make no sense but I guess I like the idea of it.”

Dr. Troubador laughed in the face of Barrett Brown, pulling out a butterfly knife and whipping it in the air around his face to show he didn’t give a fuck. Slashing open that flat, mechanical Roy Batty face, Dr. Troubador revealed Brown was in fact a robot body in which Ayn Rand implanted her preserved brain. However, with a quick Kaspersky analysis he determined that the Pursuance Network and by extension the control of Brown’s robot body had already been compromised by dank hackers associated with Chronicle.su as early 90’s era style credits rolled and generic tv jazz dissolved the dramas of our day.

“Wait a sec.” Dr. Troubador asked Barrett Brown. “If Ayn Rand is just powerlessly trapped inside your body and not in control of it, who is?”

“Oh, I’m simply an AI program that the Board of Directors created specifically to torture Ayn Rand. She gets a parallel feed of all my senses and I retain total control. She can’t in any way communicate, not even with me, so just forget about that.”

“Terrible.” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said. “How can I give you some bitcoins…”

Barrett Brown “resigned in protest” from The Intercept

barrett brown diesel therapy tour bit train
Barrett Brown hasn’t been writing much lately.

INTERNET — In an exclusive interview, Free Barrett Brown spokesman Kevin Gallagher told Internet Chronicle reporters Barrett Brown “resigned in protest” from Jeremy Scahill and Glenn Greenwald’s flagship publication The Intercept.

Brown’s row with The Intercept broke out over a story Motherboard later titled What is to be Done? and subtitled It is time to consider alternate systems of governance. 

Gallagher told Internet Chronicle that Brown’s editor at The Intercept found the story “problematic,” adding “[Brown] resigned in protest and joined VICE.” The article was likely rejected as a longwinded, self-congratulating mess that takes far too long to get to a sales pitch that hardly makes sense.

Before spending a half decade in prison, Barrett Brown was the most visible man to be associated with a string of computer hacks done under the icon of ‘Anonymous’. Brown’s word was often enough to shape media narratives, and as a rule he offended many hackers associated with Anonymous.

Newly free of all parole restraints on publishing, Brown has become only more silent on internet freedom, Anonymous, and the state of the world in general.  His only terse statement expressed no confidence in Anonymous as a force for good and mentioned a new thing called “Pursuants” which will replace them and eliminate the flaws that ruined their organization.

Brown is publishing less stories than when he was in prison and the latest row with The Intercept over his dirty old purusance jibberish has led Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador to conclude that his career as a writer is in trouble. “He’s writing a big ugly Mein Kampf style book and the editors cain’t control him. Things are breaking down. As a professional psychoanalyst I can tell you this right now, the pursuance fixation is just about power. That he’s shifted from a human form of persuasion to some mechanisms of computer code means he’s crossed into a psychotic territory and is very unpredictable. Possibly he will just remain in hiding, quarreling editors into dead shit or perhaps he will go full out on the Pursuantism until he’s put in prison again. Time will tell.”

Ayn Rand’s cyberacolyte has always been astray but now maybe he’s lost, too busy with Pursuants for this world. Even Brown’s spokesperson Gallagher tweeted, “… this Pursuance thing has been stewing for years and it’s now time for somethin new.”

“Palace Coup” As Deep State Generals Force Trump to WAR!

The deep state has seized millions in profits from Steve Bannon’s Fidget Spinners

Internet Chronicle White House correspondents follow Steve Bannon as he was fired from the White House. Flicking an Alex Jones fidget spinner, Bannon boards the first flight out of Dulles to meet with Jones at Bohemian Grove.

The two men share a hot tub at Bohemian Grove as the reporters stand to the side, writing on legal pads with golden ink pens. Their hasty notes, venn diagrams, and economic calculations outline a vast conspiracy of power, and they stand at attention, scrutinizing the hideous fat old men as if they are pinholes into radiant Truth itself.

General McMaster, the new most powerful man on earth strides by to gloat. “The NSA report showed what you were doing in the media was creating a lot of terror attacks by hyping ISIS. Your hands are bloody in Charlottesville, too. You wackos were in charge of the most powerful nation in all of history, and look what you did with it. I hope you take that to your grave.”

“Deep state imperialist!” shouts Jones, sobbing into Steve Bannon’s shoulder. “It’s not fair. We were the best vampires, and taken out by a palace coup.” Bannon strokes  Jones’ head. No Alex. We have the power. We still have the power.” Bannon jams a syringe of methamphetamine into Jones, causing him to stand up and start flexing, shouting at the reporters and offensively clenching his nutsack at McMaster. “Fuck you  and your fake news media, your Deep State. The people are going to rise up and this time we’ll watch Bohemian Grove burn to the ground, bitch.”

As his show begins the next day in signature meth addled, sleep-deprived rage mode, Jones shouts insults at the spit soaked microphone like it’s crawling with maggots.

“Apparently some of you morons out there haven’t figured this out so let me make it clear. There’s no such thing as chemtrailing. Globalism is good for the average person, and big government means big democracy. Let’s face it, I’m only entertainment, people. IRONY. How stupid could you be? That’s all Infowars is, it’s a vehicle to increase my own personal power. It’s a joke. And when I lie about the news, I’m just throwin’ my weight around.

Donald Trump paid me, people. He paid me big time just by appearing on my show. Looking back, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I did the right thing and so did every listener of my show who voted for Donald Trump. But look, it didn’t work out. They were just too powerful. Steve Bannon’s out and the deep state is in, okay? We had our shot and now it’s over. I wouldn’t be surprised if the deep state, the globalists, if they had some kind of weapon embedded in Trump and were controlling his every move, controlling his mind.”

Alex Jones intones a robot voice, “Hillary was innocent. The KKK and white supremacy is to blame for the terrorist attack in Charlottesville.”

It’s a good routine, maybe his best ever. There’s a thousand layers of irony pounded into a samurai sword. The Internet Chronicle White House correspondents are flipping pages on their legal pads as they fill with rich and hilarious metaphors until one of them writes bullet proof glass. The irony is laminated into twenty identifiable layers, yet it’s still transparent. The audience is firing gunshots at Alex Jones and they all bounce off while Jones continues to mock them. He writes on the glass, “Black Lives Matter” and makes a face behind it. Someone unloads an AK-47 onto this depraved clown and nothing happens.  The reporters write “Je Suis Charlie” simultaneously on their legal pads.

In the evening as Jones leaves the studio he turns to the reporters and says, “You boys best get out of this business. Get out of publishing now. It’s a dirty despicable hole like you’ve never imagined.”

As the reporters laugh at Jones’ neverending public freakout, the scene takes a turn for the cringe. Jones collapses slowly into a fetal position and regresses by stages. Nearing puberty his face begins to redden and he’s making the sound of a newborn baby, wigging out the reporters who leave to go get some pizza.

Bannon: Trump “just a front to fuck with the sheeple”

As confederate monuments fall around the nation in a revolutionary cultural victory and the president’s tepid crypto-racism airs to shock and disgrace across the world, the Internet Chronicle’s Charlottesville office received a strange call we first thought was a depraved prank. Upon later voice histogram analysis, this recording proved to be none other than Steve Bannon, Chief White House strategist.

Bannon phoned our offices and talked viciously at our secretary in this terrible and offensive fast paced panting, which she captured on an audio recording as a reaction to the intimidating and threatening nature of the voice.

“Trump is just a front to fuck with the sheeple. Me, I’m sending a fake real message, and you of all people know what the fuck I mean. I’m hinting at how they’re going to be enslaved, but then I’m saying they’ll be enslaved by China or worse in their grandchildren’s generation if we don’t do something. Of course that’s all a load of shit. The status of America as the world’s only Superpower is all propaganda and a fantasy with no strategic importance. China will win the economic war and any serious boots on the fucking ground world war three type situation as well. It’s a foregone conclusion, if you just look at the logistical analysis. We cannot sustain warfare for as long or as intensely as they can. Also they’re just too damn good at hacking and their technology is surpassing ours on many fronts. No deal is going to stop these dynamics and any idiot should know that. But there’s where it gets juicy for us, and why I’ve got my man Donald stroking at the nuclear tips on the world stage, sneaking his hatred into the most tiny events. It’s the secret Nixon doctrine hidden from public sight. Mutually assured destruction becomes an option for wiping out the Chinese that only gets more enticing as they begin to outcompete us and further make us enslave our people and decrease their quality of life to get to endgame. But at the last moment, one side, probably us, chooses between defeat or mutual defeat. And we want mutual defeat, total nuclear annihilation. It’s just a matter of when.”

At this point in the tape Bannon could be heard choking and shifting gears while dogging the aircooled engine on a rattling Volkswagen dune buggy .

“As it turns out it’s really hard to strip people of their healthcare. So we’ve concocted a never ending crisis in the most visible American leadership that will further erode confidence in democracy and build acceptance for the new dictator who will be able to carry out hard line enslavement of his own people in order to grow collective property value to a larger number than China’s. It’s that simple. We’re talking with Peter Thiel about pumping up our population with eugenic babyfarming using the best and whitest genes from the 23andMe database chopped up and reassembled with infinite life and no disease, AI parenting, and so on. It’s amazing the things you learn about being at the center of all world power. By the way I may not look healthy but listen, now that I’ve ascended to the high throne of slave whipper, this is the first year I’ve ever been able to afford proper healthcare and I feel like I’m going to live forever. The Bohemian Grove is actually a clinic for elites with secretive technology, and Alex Jones was in the telomere regeneration spa with me, telling jokes about the fake health supplies he sells to people so he can afford the real thing. That guy, man, people act like I’m some villain just for plotting world domination, a noble pursuit, but this guy, he’s some kind of vampire. He’s the king clown of the ISIS crew and they’re all revving up their car engines for revenge. A civil war that radically increases the enslavement ratios to back where they should be, ahhhh. Ahhhhh. Alex Jones, now there’s the most powerful man on earth. Our empire is crumbling right under us and we’re doing our damndest out here but we can’t deliver on anything. Not a damn thing we promised was even possible, to begin with. I said those alt-right guys were clowns, but look. I mean he was on reality tv, for god’s sake. The man is the biggest clown in history to distract you while I do the real work.”

Our secretary heard Mr. Bannon put his phone down followed by what sounded like Mr. Bannon’s strained masturbation with immense and exaggerative moaning sounds. At this point she hung up on him and rushed into my office, toppling twelve shelves of science fiction paperbacks. At no point in the conversation did Mr. Bannon say whether the conversation was on or off the record or what he was trying to get at out of making such a depraved and hideous phone call but the office presumed the man was on some sort of an endless nightmare cocaine or amphetamine binge that has been going on perpetually since the night Donald Trump promised to lock Hillary up.

Senator Bernie Sanders dead at 75

Fans mourn the loss of Independent Senator Bernie Sanders, 75, of Vermont

Fans, Voters, and Americans of all political leanings mourn Senator “Bernie” Sanders. Sanders was found dead in his home at the age of 75 after suffering a ruptured brain aneurysm in his sleep.

A video leaked from inside Sanders’ offices showed the late Senator in a distressed state Wednesday evening. Visibly red in the face and ‘raging’, Sanders said, “I don’t know how it happened. Obviously voting for Hillary was the right thing to do, but my supporters seemed more convinced by Trump’s arguments in the end. Where did I go wrong?”

Cassandra Fairbanks, former Bernie supporter and alt-right superstar, tweeted “Bernie was definitely suffering from brain damage in this clip. I hate to see him in this state. #RIPtheBern”

In the leaked footage, Bernie waved his hands in the air, as if distributing packages to the American people and screaming in a strained tone, “A little FASCISM for you, and a little FASCISM for YOU! And some WARS and some NUKES for YOU!” The video has since been removed from youtube at the request of the Sanders family.

Many have taken to tweeting on the hashtag #RIPtheBern, mourning not only for Bernie but for the American Republic. Dr. Troubador let loose a tweetstorm that has been at the center of all public discussion, tweeting “Historians will call Trump the first of the real neomonarchs. By the end of his term he will be too rich to ever lose an election. Trump will continue to buy influence and cash in on it beyond everyone’s expectations and he’s already grooming his family to inherit the American empire. We’re all realizing this just now and it’s not easy on any of us. Imagine how Bernie must’ve felt.”

Rust is broken

I hate Rust

Rust is a broken game and I hate it. In fact I’m quitting. I have three thousand hours so I should know better than you. You just started this month. No one plays Rust anymore despite the fact that it’s more popular than ever. You’re not a real player. FUCKING AUTIST! KILL YOURSELF!

I sold my base for $10 this week, go ahead and raid it because you can’t. I don’t even care, I’m already done. It’ll take 24 rockets and 72 crossbow bolts, and I can get in and out of my cave in exactly six seconds. It’s the most perfect base ever constructed, and I didn’t use the autistic quarries to build it, I just hit nodes because it’s so much faster. Actually even though the devs want to encourage people to use quarries, they’re horrible because you can just twig in past the high walls and steal everything. It’s not like setting them out in the open and creating a pvp situation has even half the thrill of mindlessly hitting rocks for several hours, you fucking autist, Fuck you and kill yourself for mentioning Quarries. I’m a fucking god of Rust and you just started. How fucking dare you like the game at all, or any of the exciting new content. FUCK Rust. It’s been in alpha for three and a half years, motherfucker. With every change I want to kill myself a little bit more. Fucking kill yourself.

Why the fuck would you ever put anything into fucking lockers? They’re gay and too hard to use, I can’t even figure them out. I remember when they made them and they were bad. Plus you can fit so much shit into a smaller space, and make it more secure as well using the same pattern of building as everybody else. Also shotgun traps don’t do anything at all in a raid situation but I have 16 in my base so fucking try me. Didn’t you know 94% of bases are offline raided? Literally there is no point to them. Traps are worthless.

I can’t fucking believe they’re adding NPCs. Don’t you fucking KNOW the difference between NPCs and APCs? Jesus Fucking Christ go kill yourself. I’m done. I’m really done here. I’m quitting Rust. All the pro youtubers are quitting Rust because the devs are so fucking dumb. They have no idea what they’re doing and they aren’t even listening to the community. Everyone knows Rust was perfect and complete in 2016 and it’s just horrible now. Everybody knows it. You though. YOU don’t even exist. Fucking fake roleplayer. Fuck you for having fun. Fuck you for enjoying a game. This isn’t a game, this is where I am a powerful, powerful man. A huge man. I hate the words you use and the way you say them, motherfucker. You’re so fucking dumb and I’m a god damn genius. Fucking kill yourself. I’m done.

By the way try out my NSFW discord channel, the porn stream of three second moneyshot clips will make you stop watching all other TV and movies. Really hard to get people in a discord. Also join my clan. It’s just impossible to get a clan together these days because people will just betray you. What? You’re watching fucking Blue Velvet? You fucking AUTIST. It is 2017 for fuck’s sake! Who watches anything aside from porn? I’m thinking of saving up $10,000 for a suicide sex party with a few hookers so I can at least die happy as a certified non-virgin. I mean, it is a horrible world after all and there’s no point to living anymore.