BAGHDAD – While your television was busy comparing the return of US Army Sergeant Bowe Robert Bergdahl to the Benghazi suicide bombing, an actual political toy unwound in this little spot on the desert you might remember from 2003.
Motherfucking Iraq. The country is falling to a group of desert criminals so bad Al Qaeda threw them out. Obama pulled out 5,000 contractors (not our profits!) and the place is going to hell faster than you can vote for Hillary Clinton.
We let Iraq go because it was no longer profitable to keep it. What good is a broken nation without oil? We need a power player, Iraq. Sorry. ISIS, she’s all yours. Take her for a spin. Don’t worry about coming home on time. Glenn Beck has his own channel and he’s on all night. We are in good hands. I love you, precious TV. My beautiful rectangle angel. My opium. My fixation.
Here’s the fun part: Syria – whose attempted overthrow was funded by the United States – is working with Iraq, whose government was installed by the US, to fight Jihadist militants supported by the United States in Syria (but not in Iraq).
Iran – America’s opponent on the world stage – has offered to help Iraq (a historical enemy) and the US (also an enemy) combat the insurgency opposed by the US in Iraq but supported by the US in Syria, Iran’s ally.
So, there you go, TV. Have fun with that shit.
Anybody watching Louie? The last two episodes of Season 4 come on tomorrow night. You’d better set your hoppers to record, so you can watch your edgy hate-man while the kids are out of the room. We fucking hate you, America. Goodnight.
Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?
‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”
I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.
For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.
As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?
Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.
“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”
You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’
Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.
“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”
Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.
“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”
Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.
His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”
Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.
Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014
Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.
Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.
Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.
Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.
Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.
Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.
With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.
Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.
VENICE, LOS ANGELES — A Venice man is in critical condition after an unlikely Sunday driver ran him down at a crosswalk. The 34-year-old YouTube celebrity Shay Butler was observed “vlogging” while driving his Toyota Tundra along Washington Boulevard, when he ran over a man who has not yet been identified.
Sources close to “youtube’s family” confirmed the celebrity patriarch was out getting ice cream for the ‘Tards and vlogging while driving when he struck a middle-aged man with his truck.
“Vlogging” is the practice of blogging through live or recorded video.
“He almost didn’t stop,” said Marina Del Ray patron Thomas Bandy. Bandy said he was nearby when the accident occurred.
“He had one of those flip cameras and the flip panel was turned out, pointed at him and you could see he was just staring at himself, going down the road. I don’t think he knew he hit somebody. We was all yelling, ‘stop, stop’.”
The victim’s family has asked the media to respect his privacy. Shay Carl, who is known for putting every inconsequential moment of his family’s lives on display for the Internet, still has not released a video explanation for why he left the scene before officers could respond.
Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor.
The Shaytards, who still have not let go of their derogatory self-title, refuse to give in to the growing number of requests to change their name on the grounds that it is not what it looks like. “Shay Carl” loves retards, and viewers say the name comes from an early viral video in which the patriarch chases one of his children around in a leotard.
“Shay Carl was always trying to prove Mormonism did not affect his demeanor, but he came off too happy – too approachable,” said longtime acquaintance Jeremy Hoffstetter, 32.
“It was off-putting. Whenever he came around and was being overly nice, I got worried he was gonna try to push his freaky cult religion on me. You know, Mitt Romney’s a Mormon, too. Think about that.”
The following video demonstrates Shay Carl’s blatant disregard for public safety, as he records himself driving his pregnant wife around in the middle of the night
Fans describe the Shaytards’ YouTube show as being “more real than reality TV,” because of its lack of direct conflict. Some say the Shaytards are the YouTube family they never had.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubladauer, Resident physician for the Internet Chronicle, said celebrity worship is an old social disease.
“People are going to be really upset about their Internet folk hero running someone over,” Troubladauer said. “But what you’re going to have to realize is that while you might love and adore this Tard family – and even consider yourselves to be a ‘Tard – the ‘Tards don’t even know you.”
Troubladauer said society’s distorted view of love and the human condition presents new problems as our heroes, by virtue of the Internet, look more and more like us.
“They appreciate you in the sense that because you watch them, they don’t have to work. But I’m going to be real interested to see how the mom-Tard handles this. I always got the sense she doesn’t want to be on camera, anyway. Women can’t stand anything that even remotely resembles work.”
Lebal Drocer, Inc Security Advisory-0001:
Multiple Cosmic Vulnerabilities in the Universe
Vendor: Gene Ray (http://timecube.com/)
Product: Cubic Time
Versions affected: ALL
Threat Level: Mauve
Cubic Time is a Reality that posits:
"EARTH HAS 4 CORNER
WITHIN SINGLE ROTATION.
1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God."
Finding 1: Gene Ray’s Cubic Time Reality is Truth, but suffers from a Remote Logic Collision(RLC). This new class of bugs has been pioneered by Lebal Drocer, Inc,’s Chief Security Researcher, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. “From the outsiders perspective, Ray’s Time Cube Reality is the only absolute truth, but after years of analysis of his cryptic, peer-reviewed text and implementing a small simulation of the Time Cube in a isolated setting– I was able to remotely identify a logic collision which could cause catastrophic events.” he says, “I won’t go into how to crash the universe though,” Troubador said with a crooked smile.
“There are, however ways to use RLC vulnerabilities for the good of the universe and, in turn, mankind. One being, if you applied Hawking’s black hole “Apparent Horizon” theory, using it against a rotating XOR cipher with the gravitational constant, the Time Cube would result in a logic collision, leaking “unmangled” data from the black hole. Essentially, the Apparent Horizon/Time Cube RLC attack can be used to “decrypt” lost data from black holes, which Hawking has said was previously retrievable, yet mangled.”
Patch: Vendor contacted, no reply. Go wild, everyone!
Americans are actually RETARDED from
Religious Academia taughtONEism
The ONEist educated with their flawed 1 eye
perspective (opposite eyes overlay) Cyclops
mentality, inflicts static nonpulsatinglogos
as a fictitious queer same sex transformation.
Finding 2: Severe logic flaw in the Time Cube Reality causes cosmic confusion, resulting in Truth segmentation faults to the unaware. Dr. Troubador elaborates, “While Ray’s Time Cube is logically sound at this point, it suffers from a few misconfigurations in its base system of implementation, which can be leveraged to cause a “neuro-modulating Reality slow-torture cluster” to infuse itself into unwitting victims. The logic flaw above shows that Religious Academia teaches oneness, leading to “queer same sex transformations,” which is preposterous, considering God hates fags.”
Patch: Vendor alerted. No response.
Temporary fix/mitigation: Keep reading www.timecube.com for further englightenment.
This advisory has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc., your very own safe, secure blanket of protection from all dangerous things known and unknown. Purchase our products and pay for our security update subscriptions now, today!
INTERNET —Old Brutus from chronicle.su Lebal Drocer, Inc. Hate Radio® brings you the sharpest, most scathing review to date of the “vanilla cream” variant of Soda Shaq™. Old Brutus® describes Soda Shaq™ as “a nutritious, all natural health soda offered exclusively by white-owned 7-Eleven® stores.”
Old Brutus said he would like to remind his viewers that he is in no way affiliated with the Internet at large, and added that he thinks the Web is little more than an instrument of terror used by the United States™ Government to instill fear into the hearts of dissident authors.
“The Internet, and that whole thing, I don’t know, man,” Old Brutus® explained. “Once you really think about it, it’s all the same, real life and the Internet, except in real life dissent has far fewer consequences.”
In his third and possibly final review of Soda Shaq, Old Brutus again invoked the spirit of – and infringed upon the copyright to – Joey’s World Tour™ to bring the sale home to the gang®.
This review is wholeheartedly endorsed by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.
To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).
“He’s a Jesuit,” bloggers say. “They do crazy things like publicly disavowing wealth.”
Catholicism enthusiasts have come forward with original, anonymous, leaked source material to suggest Pope Francis learned to embrace his growing public image.
“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”
Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”
As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”
Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.
“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”
Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”
Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”
Thou Shalt Not.
Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”
HOLLYWOOD — Joey’s World Tour is BYAAAAAACK! — To be featured in a Disney Channel Mockumentary entitled Joey Outside the Car. However, the famous Youtube fast food reviewer has been met with stark criticism as his star has risen to new heights, triggering a savage cascade of imitators who are now suffering acute medical conditions stemming from multiple daily fast food reviews.
Joey’s strongest allies, including pundits with the Internet Chronicle, contend that Joey’s genius can not be duplicated.
“There’s just nobody like him,” said columnist Frank Mason. “Nobody can describe a sub-par breakfast burrito quite like Joey can. He’s a genius.”
Angered citizens outraged at the rash of casualties lobbied congress for laws to ban overly sugary drinks. In response to the vocal minority, Rhode Island Del. Tom Sutherland challenged Joey’s allegiance to this great nation (America), and even wrote a bill making sugary drinks completely illegal.
“We’re banning all soft drinks – delicious, swinging, or otherwise – immediately as a matter of public safety and to combat the Socialist homosexual agenda,” Sutherland said. “Joey is a mutant with unnatural eating powers who has been able to heavily influence millions of eaters. Anyway, Joey’s been cheating on his diet. Why’s he always talking about a diet when he’s in a car scarfing down fast food novelty items?”
The corporatist agenda of Joey’s World Tour International is as beneficial to public health as it is overt, according to leading fast food industry experts, most of whom have no official monetary connections to the “food” reviewer, although many – among them, Ted Nugent, Jacob Applebaum and Colonel Sanders – outwardly defend Joey’s patriotism, praising his work.
Dietary-supplement expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador dismissed Sutherland’s claims in the strongest of terms, saying, “There is no unpatriotic genius. Joey is a force of nature, a phenomenon. Joey is a Real American, a God damn genius and a patriot,” Troubador said. “I’ve never witnessed anything like it. But I also never questioned Joey’s Patriotism. Now Shoenice, he wants to love everybody and feed the starving children in every corner of the planet. That’s Marxism. The continued exponential growth of Joey’s World Tour is nothing to be concerned about, although it is true that we see hearts are stopping left and right. But who would blame Joey? Who could? Come on, people. Get your fucking stories straight.”
Mason added, “I give that a solid 10/10 advice from Dr. Troubadaeur. Joey’s World Tour has it all, humor, satire, self-deprecation; it just swings, gang. Go out and watch him on Youtube right now.”
INTERNET – In 1994, critics led by Tipper Gore called for the rare Adults Only ESRB rating of a controversial videogame that encouraged gamers to hack fictional government mainframes and turn over data for points.
Gore’s fears were not misplaced. New evidence suggests Snowden grew up playing certain games against all caution, such as Dissent, for Playstation 1, and Bureau Kombat.
With technological advances vastly exceeding the predictions of Murphy’s Law, gaming has evolved. Whistleblow Auto V gives players realtime access to actual top-tier government agencies using Antisocial Club, the in-game hacker interface connecting gamers to stocks, politicians’ emails and realtime Skype conversations to destroy political enemies before they can react.
As a result of exposure to the influence of violently helpful videogames, Snowden later downloaded what he could en masse, and hand picked the journalists he wanted disseminating it. He chose Laura Poitras because of her hyper-violent access to the mainstream press.
Poitras profited heavily from the Snowden leaks he stole while working as a contractor for the CIA. And as far as Poitras goes, the US Government doesn’t know whether to prosecute her for publishing leaks, or to turn her into the poster child for American capitalism.
As long as The Truth sells, people will buy it. What would we do without access to absolute reality the mainstream press is selling? What would you do without an imagined baseline of morality? What would we do with the truth?
These are all questions Whistleblow Auto V purports to address under the guise of “entertainment.”
New fears of youth organizing have arisen of EA’s proposal to develop Sim Militia, which EA said will be released in a painful series of full-priced DLC that slowly opens new territory and an innovative hate tree similar to the tech trees of Starcraft and Civilization.
INTERNET – The Associated Press is in a buzz over a controversial new review of Soda Shaq, the popular beverage that took the sugary drink market by storm over the summer. CNN called the video “reprehensible” while FOX News ran various clips from the 17 minute video on their morning show Fox And Friends, who praised the closing five minute reading of Glenn Beck’s bestselling classic The Overton Window.
Joey’s World Tour has yet to come forward with their promised shout out, but the undeniable fame of the second installment of The Internet Chronicle drink review of Vanilla Cream Soda Shaq is widely expected by critics to produce unique and satisfying results, including the possibility of a shout-out and Type II diabetes.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recommends a tall can of Soda Shaq to assist in extended play throughs of the popular new murder simulator Grand Theft Auto V. “I’d even say that if you’re going to stay up all night checking in-game stocks, that you just have yourself a mini-fridge full of the shit,” Troubadour said. “It’s all natural, which, that’s just everything nowadays.”
SODA SHAQ VANILLA CREAM SODA REVIEWED
“I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I approve this website.”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour
Dr. Troubadour is a real doctor committed to improving well-being and sense of self. Dr. Troubadour, who has your best interests in mind, does not want you to worry about the small stuff. He does not want your money. He just wants you to drink Soda Shaq and chill out, dude.
Dr. Troubadour has helped out on a lot of abortions and is usually pretty cool about it. He does not look his customers in the eye during the process, but sometimes it can’t be helped. He won’t tell your friends or family what you did, and he tries to keep it to himself.