Oprah’s new slogan, “Join or Die,” has some supporters scratching their heads.
DAMASCUS, Syria — Philosopher and television star Oprah Winfrey converted every member of her studio audience to Islam Monday during a new show on the O. Network in which she discusses existence and the metaphysical.
Stagehands appeared behind her, burning an American flag and stomping it out on live TV.
“She’s achieved so much in her life,” special guest Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said on the program. “It’s now time for her to become enlightened and share it with the world.”
Each member of Oprah’s studio audience received complimentary mandatory piqabs.
Oprah quietly converted to the “religion of peace,” following the beheadings of several Christians in a Syrian village northeast of Damascus.
The prominence of US-backed al-Qaeda freedom fighters in the region factored into Oprah’s decision to see Allah to victory. As America prepares to launch hellfire missiles into the Godless heart of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s regime, Oprah encouraged Americans to join the one true God, Allah.
Infidels regarded the program with skepticism as Oprah pointed out each lucky audience member, shouting, “AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC, AND YOU’RE ISLAMIC! YOU’RE ALL ISLAMIC!”
On the fifth night of my prison’s existence, during the third riot in 24 hours, one exceptionally frustrated prisoner used a knife he smuggled in to stab an already-unconscious guard. He stabbed him to death. The prisoner then got hold of that guard’s keys and, with two fellow prisoners – one maximum security prisoner and another on normal security (both of whom were already known to cause damage and harm to my guards) – bypassed the main riot and walked straight to the Psychologist’s office. The Psychologist who, all along, has been profiling the increasingly unsanitary mob – cataloging their needs, displaying to me how hungry they are, how unhappy – how apt to violence they have quickly become. They walked into his office and stabbed him like it was nothing out of the ordinary, but also like it was something they’d been planning for a long time.
So far mine is a small enough prison to where no riots have yet reached Attica status, but I’m man enough to admit my prison is totally broken. Daily income can’t keep up with the constant repairs needed by rioting prisoners. Guards can’t stay alive long enough to keep a paycheck and I couldn’t afford to pay them if they did. My prison, filename good.prison, once had rigid regime. It followed a daily routine! It had working showers! That was yesterday. Today, good.prison has degenerated into fenced pandemonium. I think I wasn’t feeding them enough. But I guess I still don’t really know exactly what went wrong. After all, nobody was willing to go into the showers after the first “incident.” Shower time came. Nobody went. I’ll never know why. I don’t even want to know. Watching the quiet, peaceful family visit of a guy named Pennock – who got sent to solitary for shanking a guard – just felt perverse. You rapidly grow desensitized to prison violence to the point where you’d rather watch one of your contractors install electrical cable than take the time to witness a series of shower-stabbings out of Oz. Or maybe you wouldn’t. This game gives you that choice.
The winner of a knife fight lies unconscious in the floor, dying.
The only direct control you have over your guards is to click on a prisoner and have him searched, so I probably should have searched all my prisoners for contraband upon arrival. However, just like authentic American prisons, the intake rate is so high in Prison Architect that you can only give each individual so much attention while tending to the whole horrendously overcrowded system at one time. But after enough armed convicts break the line, surrounding inmates gain confidence and join the fight. Before you know it, 18 inmates are tearing down every gate you thought was secure, and then going straight for the psychologist whose job is to warp their minds and break their psyche down into the well behaved license plate stampers God wants them to be.
While Prison Architect is a well-polished Alpha, there are still a few game-breaking bugs; namely, what’s done with all the dead people lying around. After the mayhem of the game-finishing Third Riot, I noticed four hearses lined up outside my prison. My morgue was packed full of dead bodies, all of them guards, and so were the infirmary beds. Because the AI does not dispose of the dead yet, gamers complain on forums about their sprawling, growing morgues. Dead guards, prisoners and staff now litter the main drag of my prison as a reminder of the terrible situation all around them, permanent monuments to chaos.
But don’t take my word for it. Witness these horrors for yourself. The earlier you register this game, the cheaper it will be. That said, $30 is still pretty high for a broken game only in Alpha. On that note, Prison Architect has surpassed the $4 million mark. That’s how much Mojang made with Minecraft prior to MineCon in 2011, which celebrated the official release of the game.
The Prison Architect development team, Introversion Software, has crowd-sourced prisoner diversity by allowing their premium player base to write in the names and biographies of at least one prisoner per player. They suggested players use their own names but I created a fictitious prisoner named Frank “The Free” Mason, named after The Internet Chronicle‘s shittiest dead writer. Approving the massive swarm of incoming biographies sounds like a difficult task but the developers say just about anything goes and, considering how much money they’re making from the Alpha release alone, it’s safe to assume they will hire an editorial team to clean everything up closer to Beta.
Try not to let anyone die until the next Alpha update (current version is a-11).
Slowly accept the inevitable in a plush Lebal Drocer suite.
You are God.
You control the world, the grass, dirt and the Heavens. You spin the galaxies, and drive them apart with an as-yet-unexplained force known only to men as “dark matter.”
Managing creation can tucker out even the most vengeful of Gods, so spend your 7th day at Hong Kong’s famous Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway – a modern-day hacker’s paradise complete with VPNs and a direct line to Xi Jinping for disclosing national secrets as soon as they’re discovered.
The NSA knows where you stay. Do you think you can get out in time?
This message has been brought to you generously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway Hotel Resorts & Casinos, and have used our monetary power to gain access to private information, your most sacred data, things you thought we would never know about, and we did it all – thanks to our friends at the NSA – just for you. Because we care. That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise™.
McDonald’s has a new machine which can flip burgers faster than John Henry can drive steel.
This weekend, McDonald’s unveiled a new device which CEO Donald Thompson promised will revolutionize the fast food industry. Taking its cue from Redbox, the vending machine for movies and video game rentals, McDonald’s developed a vending machine which cooks and serves food to order. According to CEO Donald Thompson, “The McBox not only equals or betters the quality and consistency McDonald’s customers have come to expect, but it is faster and cheaper than visiting a McDonald’s staffed by humans.”
The McBox unit is about twice the size of a RedBox, but features a similar touch screen for easy ordering. Like the RedBox, the McBox will only require minimal supply and maintenance, slashing overhead for McDonald’s.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, economic theorist and famed philosopher, spoke out with stern words of warning. “Brick-and-mortar retail sales are failing because of online shopping, nearly all video rental stores have shut down in just a few years, and it now seems inevitable that the same thing will happen to fast food. The pace at which jobs are being replaced by automation has hit a critical juncture where we’re going to have to reassess not only the work ethic of our great nation, but also ideas once thought of as fundamentals to all economic theories. Perhaps we may find new value in leisure, and maybe it’s time to repay the taxpayers for their continued investment in computing technology which has allowed such leisure time. When these technologies were introduced in manufacturing, few benefited and many lost jobs. As a result, a majority of citizens now live below the poverty line working in retail and service industries, and it will not be long before those jobs go the same way as manufacturing. It will happen nearly overnight, like the closing of video rental stores, and we will be left with fewer and fewer options which are tasteful to our aging ethical sensibilities. We must remember the story of John Henry, but give up the notion that he could even compete with technology by sacrificing his life. He can’t flip burgers fast enough. Given the chance to compete with today’s technology, I believe John Henry would rather sit by and eat fish ‘o fillet sandwiches, despite his legendary work ethic.”
Dr. Phil opposite former sexpot murderslut Jodi Arias
Television therapist and fake doctor, Phil McGraw denied Tuesday real allegations he offered the Arias family money for sex with their daughter in exchange for TV coverage once a verdict is reached.
The despicable television star has committed higher atrocities in the past, such as inviting Bumfights producers onto his show only to throw them off in a public display of power.
Is there no end to media abuse at the hands of “Dr” Phil McGraw? Will the family seek reparations from the television station? Will this balding pariah ever admit to the allegations that he paid for sex he never received? Furthermore, at what point in time is he expected to shed his outer husk to reveal a final, mucus-enveloped form?
Dead comedy legend George Carlin has been commissioned to sell data-center solutions at several low-end corporate conferences in the area. Are the rumors true, or is this the work of a dangerous impostor?
He’s like an off-brand Ninja Turtle you just want to punch in the face.
Impressionist Joe Beddia stripped all the “bad words” from Carlin’s famous act, “Stuff,” making it ironically more profane – while otherwise plagiarizing it verbatim with the obvious exception of replacing the word “stuff” with “data” in order to sell NetBackup, Backup Exec and Enterprise Vault to the fat white assholes running corporate America. The whole act demands of its audience more than six excruciating minutes of assumed disbelief: “Gosh, doesn’t he just seem like George Carlin!”
Chronicle.su theoretical physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadauer said, “Joe ‘Beddia’ watch the fuck out, because he is treading sacred ground for cheap laughs. Personally, I would like to rape Mr. Beddia, cut off his head, and shit down his neck.” Whoa. Easy there, guy.
Beddia has been called “The Godfather of cringe.”
Dr. Troubadauer has called Beddia’s Carlin act “unoriginal and uninspired,” and said the performance “comes off as an offensive mockery” of one of America’s most legendary comedians.
“Not only that,” Troubadauer said, “it is like driving your own personal nail into the man’s coffin if you just take the time to consider the fact that his uncanny likeness is being used to sell fucking data-center solutions to the very same corporations he satirized for belonging to an industry built around fucking the consumer. This man is clearly a danger to himself – as deranged as he is sad.”
What is perhaps most off-putting about the video, Troubadauer said, is Beddia’s impersonation of Carlin’s mannerisms and gestures is so impeccable that he has created an unfortunate uncanny valley – a shroud of realism that makes Beddia’s performance all the more disturbing where it lacks all the coherence, rhythm – and most importantly – humor of an authentic George Carlin performance.
Seriously, what an unfunny piece of shit.
chronicle.su is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. & Bulletball
Police say his limousine driver was high from an immense, billowing cloud of secondhand marijuana smoke.
LAS VEGAS — Austin “Chumlee” Rustle, known widely for his employment at the famed Gold and Silver Pawn Shop featured on “History” Channel’s “Pawn Stars” Reality Television Show, was arrested Friday for possession of over seven pounds of marijuana after police pulled his limo over for erratic driving. Chumlee’s lawyer, Jay Leiderman, said, “Chum had no intent to distribute this marijuana; all seven pounds were clearly for personal use.”
Richard “Old Man” Harisson and his son Corey “Big Hoss” Harisson reportedly paid Chum’s two million dollar bail, but Chumlee still faces up to 100 years in prison. History Channel did not comment on the incident, but Chumlee’s agent, Jorge Luis Peron, said Chum already checked into rehab, “Chumlee’s life has been a nightmare of drugs and video games, and this has hindered his performance at Gold and Silver. He’s gettin’ the help he needs! Chum will be back and better than ever in no time, don’t worry folks.”
INTERNET, TWITTER–Today fans of Anti-trolling blogging group the GNAA(Gay Nigger Association of America) were appalled to see their micro-blogging heroes troll unsuspecting victims with satirical rhetoric and what some would call the “weird twitter” phenomenon.
The tweets came from GNAA members @DUTCHMINATI and @methadonna, both well known anti-trolling bloggers were caught multiple times today trolling twitter users with satirical tweets that can only be construed as trolling.
Blogger DUTCHMINATI trolls twitter with banal tweets about life.
Throughout their long, rich history of being the foremost leaders in blogging, blogging technology and anti-trolling tactics, none of the GNAA have ever publicly trolled until now. This marks a milestone in the history of the internet and is a disgrace to all anti-trolls everywhere.
@methadonna trolls with his over enthusiastic excitement for a shit album,
ATLANTA — Rapper Tauheed Eppz, known to fans as “2 Chainz,” and “Tity Boi,” died Sunday from heart complications related to crack smoking. In his recent single, “Crack,” 2 Chainz said, “Everywhere I go I got crack, I got that crinack.”
2 Chainz came under fire from hip hop enthusiasts who did not believe the rapper, in fact, smoked crack. Hardcore fans of the hip-hop subgenre “Crackcore” spoke to the Internet Chronicle and are even less sure of 2 Chainz authenticity after his death from smoking too much crack. “Us real crackheads, we been at this shit for decades. We know how to handle our crack, and we ain’t out tryin’ to prove nothin’ cause everyone knows we real. 2 Chainz ain’t a crack smoker. That motherfucker is a poser bitch.”
Chronicle.su field correspondents spotted PyCon drama queen and feminist partying down with hackers and felons alike at a loft in Newark, New Jersey Sunday night, when supposedly at PyCon.
Richards, supposedly took out her feminist ire out on a poor python programming man at PyCon last weekend, getting him fired in the process. He had 3 kids, one is now dead.
She has been the subject of extreme scrutiny since the child’s death and some speculate she may have possibly been committed via 5150 to a mental institution. However, after field reports spotted her at Newark, New Jersey doing pot and swinging from swings, little to no truth is known to be truer than the truth itself, which can only be the truth.
A wave of paranoia swept through the Anonymous consortium late Monday night when #TeamSabu was introduced by Aaron Bale who claims is a group of Sabu sympathizers and synthesizers, led by the OWS and Wikileaks activist shm00p of UGNazi and Rustle League fame, who is actually Sabu himself.
#TeamSabu is lead not only by shm00p, but has close ties to Adria Richards, who sold exploit code to Matthew Keys in an effort to gain the good graces of LulzSec so she could eventually land a job at the DailyDot. Little did she know that among a group of thugs, hackers and drunks, people would be snapping photos.
So who was at PyCon and why the drama surrounding Adria Richards? Simply to distract us from #OpBlackout and Aaron Bales efforts to thwart Jen Emick with Ron Brynaert in tow.
No one knows for certain, but after reading some threads on abovetopsecret.com, we believe this is Illuminati related, considering Luke Rudkowski was at weev’s sentencing.