Controversial PS4 game ‘will raise a new generation of terrorists’

An all-new flight simulator game from award-winning studio Naughty Dog puts gamers  in the blood-stained cockpit of a freshly hijacked Boeing 747, and teaches them how to efficiently pilot the passenger plane into symbols of Western imperialism like the Twin Towers.

The game reportedly simulates the same terrorist act, again and again. According to testers, players will try for the highest death count by selecting their own date and time of attack, and strategically target the weakest points in the towers’ structures to maximize terror.

“Unbelievable,” raves The New York Times.

“Unthinkable … recklessly irresponsible.” — LA Times.

“You can literally keep doing 9/11.” — Internet Chronicle.

Developers at Naughty Dog have high hopes the game’s controversy could boost sales. An emailed early-access invitation advertises a few of the game’s key features: “Raise the alert level to ‘Threat level Orange’ to unlock the game-changing Inside Job power-up and impress your friends by permanently shifting world politics in … somebody’s favor!”

Another line from the email states players gain score multipliers by issuing high profile threats leading up to the attack: “You’re nobody’s fool! The decadent West who gave you so much money before has turned its back on you! Show them you mean Busine$$ by issuing pre-taped taunts and threats on VHS.”

Reaction to the negative press is only in its earliest infancy, as not even Tipper Gore is prepared to manufacture the amount of outrage it is going to take to demonstrate the undoubtedly negative reaction the game is expected to face from teachers, soccer moms, concerned citizens and the CIA.

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”

Hillary's 'Hardest' Choice: To Spit or Swallow MIC Payload

Hillary Clinton steps down from her taxpayer-funded Learjet during campaign of Hate.
Hillary Clinton steps down from her taxpayer-funded Learjet during campaign of Hate.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton has been a busy woman since exiting public office. She can be found, these days, shuttling around the country in limousines and Learjets on a promotional tour for her new magnum opus, Hard Choices. The book chronicles her time served as Secretary of State under Ayatollah B. Hussein Obama’s glorious administration.

ussa

Released to rave reviews, the book has been called “a modern-day woman’s meditation on Freedom, reminiscent of Rand, Woolf, and Morrison,” by the Wall Street Journal.

Noted feminist Judith Miller, the woman whose broad shoulders bear the brunt of the blame for the liberation of Iraq, wrote in an Op-Ed for the New York Times, “Mrs. Clinton weaves a narrative so imagined, so inspired, you would think she is making it up!”

However, the book is not without its detractors.

Dr. Angstrom H. Treub’adore, the Internet Chronicle’s resident Cisgender Theorist, said in an interview today from his Paris apartment, “The only Hard Choice the former secretary faced while serving was whether to shoot, shock, hang or bang, preferably with an exceptionally dirty hypodermic needle, the ‘whistle-blower’, more like ‘wiener-blower’, Chelsea Manning for his crimes against the Gov, aided by the conard, the file de pute, the noted surprise sex enthusiast, Yulian Mossad,” referring to the Wikileaks scandal that erupted during Clinton’s tenure as secretary. Just one of the multitude of Hard Choices described in the book.

But Mrs. Clinton has found favor within the artistic community, which has embraced her latest collection of stories.

Katy Perry, the eleven-time Grammy nominee songstress responsible for such national anthems as: “Waking Up in Vegas”, “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”, “Ur So Gay”, and “By The Grace of God”, tweeted at the potential 2016 Democratic nominee that she is ready to shed the last trace of whatever artistic integrity may still reside within her. The pop singer suggested that “she would write [Clinton’s] theme song.”

Katy Perry tempts Hillary Clinton with prideful load
Cum Swapping (#HardChoices)

The two were seen exiting a Brooklyn recording studio late Monday night with producer Puff Daddy and  former Attorney General Janet Reno, who is rumored to have a featured verse on the song, tentatively titled “Hard Choicez (Ode to Elian)”.

Clinton’s ascension to the Presidency seems all but uncertain. She is treading an unprecedented path, paved with the ignored plea’s of the poor and lined with the Hard Choices of which lobbying agencies to publicly allow into her pocket book, and which to keep private.

With her book tour, an arousing success, and the media’s resistance to meaningful questions about her past, the only choice left for Mrs. Clinton to make—perhaps the Hardest Choice of all the Hard Choices she has had to make—is when to actually announce her intention to run for president of our permanent dynasty. God bless this neoliberal paradise, the greatest God damn nation on Earth, The United States of America.

Soda Shaq Review Part III – MAN DRINKS WHOLE CAN

INTERNET — Old Brutus from chronicle.su Lebal Drocer, Inc. Hate Radio® brings you the sharpest, most scathing review to date of the “vanilla cream” variant of Soda Shaq. Old Brutus® describes Soda Shaq as “a nutritious, all natural health soda offered exclusively by white-owned 7-Eleven® stores.”

Old Brutus said he would like to remind his viewers that he is in no way affiliated with the Internet at large, and added that he thinks the Web is little more than an instrument of terror used by the United States Government to instill fear into the hearts of dissident authors.

“The Internet, and that whole thing, I don’t know, man,” Old Brutus® explained. “Once you really think about it, it’s all the same, real life and the Internet,  except in real life dissent has far fewer consequences.”

In his third and possibly final review of Soda Shaq, Old Brutus again invoked the spirit of – and infringed upon the copyright to – Joey’s World Tour to bring the sale home to the gang®.

This review is wholeheartedly endorsed by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Go out and getcha sum, gang.

“Exponential Growth” of Joey’s World Tour does not concern qualified health care professionals

Joey
“Gang”-related activity

HOLLYWOOD — Joey’s World Tour is BYAAAAAACK! — To be featured in a Disney Channel Mockumentary entitled Joey Outside the Car. However, the famous Youtube fast food reviewer has been met with stark criticism as his star has risen to new heights, triggering a savage cascade of imitators who are now suffering acute medical conditions stemming from multiple daily fast food reviews.

Joey’s strongest allies, including pundits with the Internet Chronicle, contend that Joey’s genius can not be duplicated.

“There’s just nobody like him,” said columnist Frank Mason. “Nobody can describe a sub-par breakfast burrito quite like Joey can. He’s a genius.”

Angered citizens outraged at the rash of casualties lobbied congress for laws to ban overly sugary drinks. In response to the vocal minority, Rhode Island Del. Tom Sutherland challenged Joey’s allegiance to this great nation (America), and even wrote a bill making sugary drinks completely illegal.

“We’re banning all soft drinks – delicious, swinging, or otherwise – immediately as a matter of public safety and to combat the Socialist homosexual agenda,” Sutherland said. “Joey is a mutant with unnatural eating powers who has been able to heavily influence millions of eaters. Anyway, Joey’s been cheating on his diet. Why’s he always talking about a diet when he’s in a car scarfing down fast food novelty items?”

The corporatist agenda of Joey’s World Tour International is as beneficial to public health as it is overt, according to leading fast food industry experts, most of whom have no official monetary connections to the “food” reviewer, although many – among them, Ted Nugent, Jacob Applebaum and Colonel Sanders – outwardly defend Joey’s patriotism, praising his work.

Dietary-supplement expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador dismissed Sutherland’s claims in the strongest of terms, saying, “There is no unpatriotic genius. Joey is a force of nature, a phenomenon. Joey is a Real American, a God damn genius and a patriot,” Troubador said. “I’ve never witnessed anything like it. But I also never questioned Joey’s Patriotism. Now Shoenice, he wants to love everybody and feed the starving children in every corner of the planet. That’s Marxism. The continued exponential growth of Joey’s World Tour is nothing to be concerned about, although it is true that we see hearts are stopping left and right. But who would blame Joey? Who could? Come on, people. Get your fucking stories straight.”

Mason added, “I give that a solid 10/10 advice from Dr. Troubadaeur. Joey’s World Tour has it all, humor, satire, self-deprecation; it just swings, gang. Go out and watch him on Youtube right now.”

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Soda Shaq Drink Review Draws Praise From Dishonored Glenn Beck Camp and FOX News

Fox and Friends just about shit bricks.
Fox and Friends just about shit bricks.

INTERNET – The Associated Press is in a buzz over a controversial new review of Soda Shaq, the popular beverage that took the sugary drink market by storm over the summer. CNN called the video “reprehensible” while FOX News ran various clips from the 17 minute video on their morning show Fox And Friends, who praised the closing five minute reading of Glenn Beck’s bestselling classic The Overton Window.

Joey’s World Tour has yet to come forward with their promised shout out, but the undeniable fame of the second installment of The Internet Chronicle drink review of Vanilla Cream Soda Shaq is widely expected by critics to produce unique and satisfying results, including the possibility of a shout-out and Type II diabetes.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recommends a tall can of Soda Shaq to assist in extended play throughs of the popular new murder simulator Grand Theft Auto V. “I’d even say that if you’re going to stay up all night checking in-game stocks, that you just have yourself a mini-fridge full of the shit,” Troubadour said. “It’s all natural, which, that’s just everything nowadays.”

SODA SHAQ VANILLA CREAM SODA REVIEWED

“I’m Dr. Troubadour, and I approve this website.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

Dr. Troubadour is a real doctor committed to improving well-being and sense of self. Dr. Troubadour, who has your best interests in mind, does not want you to worry about the small stuff. He does not want your money. He just wants you to drink Soda Shaq and chill out, dude.

Dr. Troubadour has helped out on a lot of abortions and is usually pretty cool about it. He does not look his customers in the eye during the process, but sometimes it can’t be helped. He won’t tell your friends or family what you did, and he tries to keep it to himself.