EXCLUSIVE! Chronicle.su is the only publication cleared to run this cartoon in the entire Soviet Union!
CYBERWAR — Anonymous claimed a tremendous victory in its #OpCharlieHebdo campaign by downing all Internet in areas controlled by da3sh, the terrorist “cancer” growing in the heart of the middle east, also known as ISIS or the Islamic State.
The Hacker known as Weev AKA 4chan, acting as temporary official spokesperson for Anonymous (while Barrett Brown is in Jail), told reporters, “The brave white men at Charlie Hebdo are surely the truest practitioners of satire on the whole Earth. They have been avenged, for Thor’s lulz. The Internet at da3sh will be down until those goatfuckers send themselves up to their baby-rape heaven.”
Weev is not a Christian, but a folkish, or militant right-wing practitioner of a vague Norse polytheistic reconstructionist faith, emphasizing the God of Power and Violence, Odin. Weev gained notoriety in America and Northern Europe for popularizing a pornographic image of a depraved man with the biggest gaping asshole in the world, as stretched to its absolute limit.
The Arab world has long accused Anonymous of acting as an instigator and meddler in their local affairs after Anonymous operations added chaos to an already destabilized situation in Tunisia and Egypt at critical moments while CIA agents installed regimes more friendly to the West during the so-called “Arab Spring.”
Iran’s Press TV even accused Anonymous of being a false flag operation of the United States, citing the well-known false flag crimes committed by Islamist Hector Xavier Monsegur, AKA Sabu, who led thousands of attacks on police departments and innocent news organizations in the US after being co-opted by the “FBI.” Press TV cited New Homeland security laws introduced secretly in FISA courts that call for “aggressive and pro-active networking in all branches and twigs in all federal, state, provincial, and local governments.”
Commander X, veteran lieutenant in the Anonymous hacker collective, explained, “Lots of trolls think that Anonymous convinced allies of the pro-US rebellion to shelter themselves in the US-backed Tor Internet cloaking device. That’s bullshit. We fight for freedom. They also say we defaced the government websites, a feat that surely enabled us to leak something that we never leaked. Trolls. They say that LOIC is just a trap for noobs. TROLLS. Don’t listen to the haters and the bullshit. We hate America just as much as any jihadist, but Free Speech is even more important. Je Suis Charlie!”
Narendra Modi, president of India, was implicated by Wikileaks as backing ISIS and Al-Qaeda
INTERNET — WikiLeaks spokesperson Jolene Assange shocked the world, announcing, “Both Al-Qaeda and ISIS have their highest leadership positions infiltrated by Hindus who want to sow discord among monotheistic religions. It was not the United States government that engineered 9/11. It was India.”
A leaker shared documents with WikiLeaks which confirmed beyond a doubt that the attack on Charlie Hebdon in France was carried out by a special Muslim-to-Hindu convert militia known as the PakiHindus. The PakiHindu commando squad has framed Muslim terrorists for heinous acts both in India and abroad since their creation in the late 70s.
Angstrom H. Troubador, Wikileaks volunteer analyst, said, “Christian missionaries won over millions of Hindus in the past century and the Muslims are across their border with a finger on a nuclear trigger. You don’t think ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or the shooting at Charlie Hebdon would take the pressure off of them in a cost-effective manner?”
Troubador elaborated, “A moderately powerful nation such as India could easily afford a double false flag, leaving evidence that the CIA had perpetrated the 9/11 attacks while carrying them out with their already established commando squad. They see Islam, Christianity, and Judaism as a single entity — Devil Abraham — which must be provoked to self-immolate and usher in the maximum proliferation of polytheistic belief. I think it’s working incredibly well, it should have been obvious. But even though the monotheistic world finally has proof, I don’t think it will Matter. There won’t ever be an end to petty bickering over cartoons. Monotheistic religions won’t stick together, instead there will be a gradual erosion of faith through fear and competition. The Hindus will inherit the Earth.”
Kanye West: “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when that needle lands on them.”
Copyright law faces a new challenge after rap artist Kanye West™ announced his intentions Wednesday to open up a “reverse” class action lawsuit against SIRS Navigation, and other companies for illegally using his name without permission.
“I didn’t ask to be born with this name,” West said. “But I won’t be bullied around by these faceless instrument manufacturers anymore.”
West said he is not the only person whose rights were infringed upon.
“Anyone bearing the surname of a cardinal direction is invited to follow suit,” he said. “I’m looking at you, Peter North.”
If the West court battle goes as planned, experts confirmed it will be the first time an individual has simultaneously squared off against the veteran legal teams of three corporations, all leaders in their fields.
“It’s a reverse class action,” West said. “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when the needle lands on them. That is why I’m suing literally everybody who ever slapped my name on a product.”
West and his attorney Jeremy Matthews said the lawsuit is also aimed at Global Sources and Kasper and Richter, as well as several small Swiss instrument makers.
West said he would like to see SIRS Navigation go in the ‘right direction’ by adding a small trademark symbol (™) or the letters TM after each iteration of his name, as in the case of the large capital W appearing on most compasses.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Professor of Law at MIT, called the charges “unprecedented,” adding that he has never seen anything like it in the 45 years he has studied and practiced law.
“When something like this crosses my desk, I just shake my head in wonder,” Troubadour said. “I’m consistently amazed at my country’s capacity for justice. Kanye will have his day, yet. Just wait.”
Matthews said charges will be formally filed by the end of the end of the week, at which time a press conference will be organized in front of his Hidden Hills mansion, which he shares with his Kim Kardashian in California.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.
HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.
Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”
Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.
In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”
What a prick.
1. The Computer Virus was Programmed in ‘Oriental’ – OK, I’m no expert in Chinese, Japanese, Cantenese or English, but I know what North Korean programming looks like when I see it. After reviewing the source code and reading the emails, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a purely North Korean mission. Now’s the time to ask yourself, do you know what North Korean programming looks like? Doubt it.
2. “The Assassination” wasn’t even that good – I know what you’re all thinking: “Alright, now she’s gone too far.” Well, I haven’t. It’s Canadian and therefore, by virtue, completely UnAmerican. Sony owed Joe Frasier a favor for helping them cover up the creation of the greatest game of all time.
3. Paul “isn’t” dead – Do you remember the first The Beatles song you ever heard? Do you remember it backwards? Experts say you are 10 times more likely to believe DPRK did Sony if you remember your first The Beatles song backwards than you do forwards. Keep that in mind next time you put on the “Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs” album.
5. Chandler Bing was only speaking in metaphors – Throughout the entirety of S02E07 and S04E03. If taken Literally, one may believe that Chandler really wanted to have sex with Monica, however he instead spun us through a North Korean ‘Virtual’ Mind Maze of Ruby version management. He foresaw the future, which is a lot less than we can say for Yukihiro Matsumoto, who chose to betray Rachel(Perl) and buddy up with Joey(stupid fucking spec folders in Ruby, who cares), the fallout being catastrophic, resulting in the whole gang going to prison for violating the Good Samaritan Law.
All five points lead directly to eternal hell and damnation. No… there mustn’t be any melancholy. This is America. This is Christmas.
This is War.
Jack Black is Dead
HOLLYWOOD — Jack Black, comedic actor, died Monday evening after suffering a severe stroke at the age of 45. Fans mourn the loss of Jack Black and suspect his death was related to overindulgence in candy over several decades.
Black was rumored to have rented out a candy store where he was granted 24-hour permission to do anything he wanted inside. Fans said Black drew the shades, and emerged in the middle of the night, unable to speak or see. He died shortly thereafter.
Black’s estate will be disbursed and charitably donated to SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.
Sony source says US Government financed Hollywood flop film ‘The Interview’
In a sudden and perfunctory turn of events, information obtained from a high-ranking source inside Sony appears to corroborate allegations made by North Korean leadership, saying that the US Government may have played a “large role” in financing the James Franco-Seth Rogen Hollywood shovel-film “The Interview.”
The source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the government knew North Korea’s plans for a free, public internet were underway before production of the film began. The film’s release would have coincided with the completion of a North Korean internet infrastructure, he said, threatening Kim Jong Un’s nationwide reputation of benevolence and invincibility.
Our source said invoices paid out to Sony were repeatedly stamped with a signature Department of Defense seal and label. The sources said one document was even notarized by a certified California notary.
In the wake of the scandal, the Supreme Leader of North Korea has once again threatened to go to war on the United States after publishing their own official accusations that the government singlehandedly created the film. Un said the US Government created “The Interview” to discredit his benevolent regime, and build public support around a DDoS attack on the free, public internet infrastructure he graciously provided to his people.
The official website of the DPRK published a second denial of their involvement in the attack on Sony’s hilariously underprotected servers. However, in a separate interview, a source inside Sony said the nature of the attack suggests the breach must have come “from within,” adding that the attack would have to be an inside job because of the security system’s reliance on biometrics before access to any information would be made available – even to a hacker – encrypted or otherwise.
The Sony hack very likely was an inside job.
“The DPRK has already launched the toughest counteraction. Nothing is more serious miscalculation than guessing that just a single movie production company is the target of this counteraction. Our target is all the citadels of the US imperialists who earned the bitterest grudge of all Koreans.
Kim Jong Un said his “robust” army of 1.2 million “bloodthirsty” warriors is chomping at the bit to attack the monolithic institutions dictating American hegemony, but Sony is fortunately not on that list.
China, an all-too-poignant mediator in the dispute, described the hacking as “unfortunate,” adding that a digital security breach is a serious issue (they should know), but later said “The Interview” was “tasteless” and “nothing to be proud of.” Considering the movie is a late-2014 rushed-to-Christmas meme-generator acted out by an aging, same-character-in-every-movie Seth Rogen, China is probably not far off the mark. Sony now seems to acknowledge the film is so unwatchable they are refusing to even sully their own Crackle video streaming site with it.
Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un’s internet throughout North Korea is in disarray, and a radical activist group is threatening to airdrop DVDs of “The Interview” on the hungry, destitute and impoverished people of Pyongyang. Perhaps they could drop some food and water, too – and while they’re at it – a DVD player.
Anonymous, led from a federal prison by Barrett Brown, are also threatening to release the film by Christmas if Sony does not.
Visualization of ObamaSec’s cyberwar on North Korea
INTERNET — A previously unknown hacker group, ObamaSec (short for Obama Security), posted a press release Monday taking credit for downing North Korea’s internet infrastructure in retaliation for their hack of Sony pictures. The release stated, “Proud American citizens were denied their right to a comedic and economy stimulating movie, and this is an intolerable act of aggression.” ObamaSec added, “At least 9,000 jobs have been lost as a result of North Korea’s all-out offensive on Sony Pictures,” and ObamaSec promised to keep North Korea offline until they released South Korean Starcraft star Taeja. EDIT: Taeja has confirmed he is not, in fact, in North Korean Custody.
In the release entitled, “North Korea Gets Barekt,” patriotic American hackers led by the notorious computer savant, th3j35t3r, also gloated over their defeat of North Korean “savages.” Using a sophisticated tool known only as XerXes, ObamaSec was able to overload the memory circuits of computers responsible for controlling the data flow in and out of the pariah nation.
ObamaSec hacker th3j35t3r has a history of right wing ideology and may be using the president’s name as an ironic jab at Obama’s intransigence to the North Korean attack on America. As is common in press releases from hackers, ObamaSec’s statements cannot be taken at face value as they are generally loaded with a hefty dose of trolling. Hacker expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “It is quite likely that ObamaSec is a front organization for the US government or one of its allies, so that no one has to take credit for the attack.”
This young woman’s gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.
INTERNET — At The Strand book store in New York, artist Molly Crabapple asked questions of Biella Coleman, author of Hacker, Hoaxer, Whistleblower, Spy: The Story of Anonymous, but when she was done asking questions a haughty and verbose man from Saint Francis College stood up to ask the question of a lifetime, exaggeratedly mocking the know-it-all modality employed by academia: “You showed a forum post on 4chan . . . that featured you being banned over exposing your studies on the organization. And they gave you titles . . . [which] seemed very androgynous . . . Do you think it’s in that androgynous point of view where men have always been on the internet whereas women are coming into the fold and so on and so forth — addressing that trope, that sort of taboo?” The word androgynous rolled off his tongue gleefully and he snarled while emphasizing the word taboo, and the friction in the room at the moment of impact could’ve burnt down at least ten barns full of priceless antiques.
“Oh, you mean sexist?” Biella Coleman neutered the Reptilian GamerGator on the spot, and a moment of raucous laughter somehow occurred at the tense interview. Even Molly Crabapple, gripping her gigantic leather chair and rigidly extending her spine emitted a small, tender sound of joy.
Dearborn, MI — In a Post-Sony-9/11 world, sometimes Great Leaders have to take drastic measures in order to save our freedom. The once glorious and proud industrial nation of Detroit, home to Ford Motor Company, is nothing more than a large “Urban Garden” and collection of “Urban Decay” Flickr photo albums. Until now.
In what some are saying is simply an “effort to save face,” Kim Jong Un has purchased Ford Motor Company to hopefully bolster the United States’ torn and frayed economy. Considering the United States already owes China trillions of rubles in back taxes, Un was happy to pony up the funds necessary to keep Detroit afloat. Are there big collaborative plans for a prosperous partnership on the horizon or is this all just a smoke screen, a mind-trap for the upcoming memetic Cyber War?
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, a finance minor at Ball State and the Internet Chronicle’s Own Boy, believes Un was simply exercising his financial strength as a show of force. “Kim Jong Un is just buying low and selling high, baby,” Troubador says, referring to the timeless Wall Street idiom. He added, “it’s the American way, and I support that.”
President Obama was too preoccupied with hysterical vine clips to comment.