Marijuana is a natural panacea. Vaccines rewrite your DNA.
By Mark Ames, Glenn Greenwald, Laura Poitras, and R. Crumb — Satire is dead. Practically no one will pay for it and no writer is even capable of delivering a satiric effect to American audiences. Trust me, I tried. It’s a losing investment every time.
There are always handholds in popular American satire, if you can call it satire, and the vicious confrontational stuff without handholds is only seen as pure malice and dickishness. Satire writers are forced into this corner by horizontal censorship, largely enforced by the internet hacking collective Anonymous.
I remember when The Hippie Movement and Punk Rock died like it was yesterday, but I never imagined satire was just another passing fad. It feels good to be that final generation of satire, the cynical nostalgia I’m feeling is quite pleasant. I’m proud of it. Like Hunter S. Thompson said, this is a generation of swine, and they won’t know a good satire when they see it. 9/11 scared the last drop of piss out of them.
The Internet Chronicle was originally revealed to be a satire by Paul Joseph Watson of Infowars, shocking hundreds of thousands of confused readers. But last summer Fox News announced, in conjunction with the FBI, that Sabu infiltrated and social engineered Infowars reporters and influenced them in subtle ways. They were mind-controlled into telling audiences that Chronicle.su is fake.
Newly hacked documents from HBGary reveal that the so-called “Metal Gear” propaganda superweapon spammed any posters of links to Chronicle.su with disruptive comments, condemning the satire as “fake” and not in correspondence with truth as established by Wikipedia and its de facto Objectivist Czar, Jimmy Wales.
FOOTBALL — Sunday morning, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ruled that the New England Patriots would be forced to forfeit the Super Bowl after announcing that the intentional deflation of footballs nullified their AFC championship victory. Goodell told stunned reporters, “There will be no Super Bowl this year and no glory for the cheaters. This is a historic decision, but integrity and fairness in football is of the utmost importance. The Seahawks are NFL champions, and we will have a small ceremony and present the trophy to them this evening.”
The hundreds of millions of fans who gather for Super Bowl junk food parties instead gathered in the streets and overturned cars in Boston and in Phoenix, but were quickly suppressed by riot police. Riot officer Jeb Laramie said, “We’ve had a lot of practice suppressing riots lately, but these jocks are not your usual protesters. They’re big and mad and pushy, as well as violent. But, because they generally accept the rule of law and are just as mad as we are about all this, we didn’t fire rubber bullets or tear gas them. It just wasn’t necessary.” At least fifty cars were overturned and set on fire.
Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving five years in prison for revealing America’s possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda “atom bomb” known as Metal Gear
THE SLAMMER — Back in middle school, when I’d won the Ayn Rand essay contest and founded the objectivism club, I knew that I was going to be a famous writer one day. Everyone told me so. Even at that early age, I was a victim of a crazed government. The FBI stole millions of dollars from my family because of my father’s alleged illegal business activities. I was taught to hate and fear the FBI from an early age, but I fell into their devious trap and even promoted their work for nearly a year without realizing it. I led others into this same trap, but the guilt and shame are in the past, like my love for Ayn Rand. As such, now I’m famous and even a saint to the fools who bite at the deceptive propaganda put out by my cronies, and it only cost me $800,000 and a half decade of diesel therapy. Diesel Therapy is a form of torture where I get to tour several different prisons and never get to settle in. I’ve already been moved twice, a terror and torture so extreme only the maniacs at the FBI could think of it.
Of course I’m no longer an Objectivist, as I know that Ayn Rand is considered embarrassing among my contemporary revolutionaries. In recent years, I’ve rebranded myself as an Anarchist, and I do ultimately want to see an end to all nation states and religions. Because of nation states, and especially the FBI, satirists like me are no longer able to recruit new members of Anonymous or rise to a position of leadership at all. Journalists across the nation are now terrified and their voices are chilled, as they well should be. As such, the right to be a spokesperson for a revolutionary force that does not recognize the authority of government and fights its battles with doxing, carding, DDoSing, and so on is now in jeopardy, because the basic human right to quote and make menacing death threats or link to stolen credit card information is no longer protected speech, unless of course you are a pussy FBI agent or informant.
But all that threatening stuff I said was all just satire anyway, although I apologize for it and really it was the withdrawal from opiates to blame. I became famous for writing hilarious press releases for Anonymous that were interlaced with jokes and hoaxes, but I had no real power or importance at all. I don’t really buy into that stuff, it’s just an inside joke. Anonymous is all a prank. You may notice that my style of joking is so subtle and dry that it seems as if I really believe Anonymous might inevitably overthrow the government in five to ten years and that I want to be in charge! Hahahahahaha fooled you! I never really mean anything I say when it could be construed by humorless FBI agents as something illegal. I would never break the law or even advocate for breaking the law, because I fundamentally love the USA and especially respect its powerful military.
I affirmed the government’s authority at my sentencing hearing and told them that I simply wish they were following the law better and always got the facts about me just right. I hate it when people get the facts about me wrong, especially when they are making satire, working for the FBI, or doing fake anthropology with a personal vendetta to slander me. As I once explained satire to a bad satirist at chronicle.su, you have to really understand someone and always get the facts straight. Never just make stuff up and misrepresent someone because that is not satire or anthropology. It’s not even funny or true, because to poke fun at the revolution is to undermine its potential power and delay the inevitable end to nation states. When I’m out of prison and immediately back in power over Anonymous, I’m going to look into your fucking kids and bring back the real America, drive it through a carwash of FBI agents’ blood, and then maybe there will be some freedom to write satire and coordinate doxing and cardings of anyone I fucking want. Je Suis Charlie!
Barrett Brown is going through a hard time as the government continues its endless campaign of torturous and disorienting Diesel Therapy. Send him boring and unfunny books written by pundits — no satire please, he is not interested in reading trivial and untrue books written by the insane.
A Cuban defector shows off his illegal network setup. He was never seen again.
Havana – As the decadent West declares Internet access a ‘human right,’ our Cuban allies have not fallen prey to such hubris. Castro has stood ever firmly against Capitalist frivolities such as ‘connectivity’ and ‘liberalization,’ preserving the untamed power of the Internet for select members of government and tourist locales.
Some defective young Cubans, however, have “come up with their own solution” according to Western media sources. Since 2001, these rebels have created a homegrown terror network called SNet, short for streetnet.
Sources close to the SNet plutocracy say an estimated 9,000 computers are connected to a network of hidden, illegal Wi-Fi antennas and Ethernet cables, strung over rooftops and across city streets.
Because using Wi-Fi equipment without a license is illegal in Cuba, SNet is an illegal, unregulated capitalistic enterprise purchased and installed by a Western corporation to disrupt Cuban Communism, with the recognition of trade talks on the horizon.
SNet users play first-person-shooting games that simulate militarized attacks on Communism, such as Call of Duty.
Users are not allowed to share pornography across the network, and are banned for sharing “real Internet” links that would reveal the network to the outside world.
Barrett Brown was sentenced to five years in prison
OBJECTIVE JOURNALISM — WikiLeaks spokesperson Julian Assange praised Barrett Brown’s unique Hunter S Thompson Style, while others referred to Brown as a gonzo journalist or satirist, an impression of his work that is as popular as it is uninformed. This is probably a symptom of poor literacy enforced by the American education system, but it is also an integral part of a desperate campaign to clean the shit off of Brown’s diapers. Brown plead guilty to threatening FBI agent Robert Smith, but only after a limp-dicked attempt to pass the threat off as satire, a move which has precisely zero satirists crawling out of the woodwork in Brown’s defense. But, on the bright side, career activists are sure that Brown’s disrespect for satire was something heroic and that his current persecution is something that should make satirists everywhere shake in their cowardly booties, just as journalists feel a chill in their fragile bones.
The European World’s abusive relationship with the written word may go back to the Greek philosophy of Plato, which taught that the essence of what makes a human being a human is that it walks on two legs and has a hairless body. Such soulless philosophies, known as essentialisms, dictate that the word tethers itself to reality through simple definitions handed down by an authority such as Plato. This philosophy is the base on which journalism, law, and scientific taxonomy rests, but this disgusting edifice of will to power fails miserably when one attempts to describe the more subtle themes and meanings in novels, poems, or life itself. That was why Hunter S Thompson said that objective journalism is a contradiction in terms, because ultimately it cannot be based on reality but only fallible human authority, an insight which enabled him to deploy language in such a way as to express not just facts but personal meanings to world events. The facts do indeed make government investigators as guilty as Brown, just as they make Noam Chomsky rightly expand the word ‘terrorism’ to include the actions of the US military. As provocative as it may be to turn authority against authority, that is not at all similar to the way in which satirists deploy language. Brown’s comment on William Blake makes it quite explicit that he thinks playful, poetic, or satiric language is worse than worthless.
The hackers that Brown represented often said he couldn’t hack his way out of a paper bag, but he also couldn’t troll his way out of an open barn door. His various tiring opinions and statements read something like Glenn Greenwald’s trial lawyer punditry except muddled up by drug abuse. Gonzo journalists, mystics, and poets often gain insight through the use of drugs, but Brown’s opiate addiction was a pathology clouding his judgement and craft. Brown was ordered to pay nearly a million dollars in restitution to Stratfor for trafficking the credit card details of thousands of subscribers and journalists who were then robbed on Christmas. Despite the madness, this was not a game changing or precedent setting decision but rather derived from a case where sharing links of child porn was previously ruled as trafficking. Links are containers with contents, despite the insistence of supporters who falsely reduce all links to “just links” or empty containers. In Brown’s inverted mockery of my prescient words, [this link is a generous example of the one unfortunate case I know of in which he attempted a parody] he said, “As a media source, Stratfor’s work is protected by the freedom of press, a principle which Anonymous does not give a fuck any day of the week.” The Anonymous that Brown was speaking for in this parody press release was a small group of IRC chat rooms heavily influenced by FBI informant Hector Xavier Monsegur. The sad irony is that the Anonymous he supported from his blinding opiate haze not only persecuted journalist subscribers to Stratfor, but Brown himself.
The unofficial, self-proclaimed “leader of Anonymous” Barrett Brown was sentenced to 63 months in federal prison Wednesday. He faced more than a century in prison for a masochistic fistful charges, which included linking to leaked Stratfor documents that revealed a connection between the government and social network surveillance. Butthey dropped that charge, so what Brown is actually, really doing time for, as per his plea deal entered several months ago, is making videotaped threats against investigators working on his case, as though he were some kind of spoiled, two-bit mobster.
Do you remember this video?
“We don’t play all our hands like they do.” Proceeds to reveal his one and only, desperate hand.
Or did you forget that he wanted to “look into” federal agent Robert Smith’s kids while you were tripping over yourselves just to defend some hollow “hero” – an incompetent writer whose mediocre works you never bothered to read in the first place?
My biggest problem with the narrative on Twitter and in other places is the image the public now wants to give Brown, of being a persecuted journalist, a martyr of satire, a fighter for digital freedom, and as Assange would put it, a crusher of bastards with his own “Hunter S. Thompson style.” My instinct is that none of you, or perhaps very few, have actually read his work. It is weak writing and his arguments are often either so short sighted that they can’t seriously be considered, or so conspiratorial that they could never be verified, and yet they are self-centered as if the whole world was out to get, exclusively, him. Notice, however, that I said “arguments.” Brown rarely used facts, and when he did, he used them editorially, to support a broader argument rather than focusing on an event or change. So he wants to be a journalist, but he doesn’t want to do the work of journalism, and he doesn’t want to be Anonymous, in spite of claiming to lead the group, and he doesn’t want to be pinned with any crimes, but he wants to be seen as a martyr.
So before we get started, I would just like to point to my favorite line in Brown’s delusional, self-aggrandizing Wednesday address to U.S. District Judge Sam Lindsay, and then we’ll move on. Read on, as he uses his own spit as lube for the colossal ass-fucking he is about to take from the legal system. Brown neither stands by his actions, nor does he accept responsibility for them. Hilariously, Brown drops “logic bombs” in the hopes the court will excuse his behavior on the premise that law enforcement agencies do illegal shit, too. It’s a bold move, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.
First I will speak of regret. Like nearly all federal defendants, I hope to convince Your Honor that I sincerely regret some of the things that I have done. I don’t think anyone doubts that I regret quite a bit about my life including some of the things that brought me here today. Your Honor has the Acceptance of Responsibility document that my counsel submitted to you. Every word of it was sincere. The videos were idiotic, and although I made them in a manic state brought on by sudden withdrawal from Paxil and Suboxone, and while distraught over the threats to prosecute my mother, that’s still me in those YouTube clips talking nonsense about how the FBI would never take me alive. Likewise, I didn’t have the right to hide my files from the FBI during a lawful investigation, and I would’ve had a better chance of protecting my contacts in foreign countries if I had pursued the matter in the courts after the raid, rather than stupidly trying to hide those laptops in the kitchen cabinet as my mother and I did that morning. And with regard to the accessory after the fact charge relating to my efforts to redact sensitive emails after the Stratfor hack, I’ve explained to Your Honor that I do not want to be a hypocrite. If I criticize the government for breaking the law but then break the law myself in an effort to reveal their wrongdoing, I should expect to be punished just as I’ve called for the criminals at government-linked firms, like HBGary and Palantir, to be punished. When we start fighting crime by any means necessary, we become guilty of the same hypocrisy as law enforcement agencies throughout history that break the rules to get the villains, and so become villains themselves.
So here we go. Brown was incompetent in two areas: journalism and activism.
First of all, Brown’s writing sucked. He writes like he speaks: in long, unintelligible sentences. One would think that after using the comma so regularly, Brown might notice the period next to it, but it seems like he is allergic to the period. I constantly read that he wrote for Vanity Fair and The Onion. First of all, you don’t have to be particularly talented to write for The Onion’s online section, which is notoriously banal. And everything I’ve ever read by him sounds trite and juvenile, and everything just seems artlessly thrown together. I don’t see talent. I see someone trying to take a shortcut to stardom, and failing miserably at it. And I love it.
Barrett Brown is often misunderstood to be a competent journalist and activist, when in fact he is neither.
Mediocrity aside, Brown lost the way after he made the conscious decision (a time when he said he began to “care about people”) and broke the sacred rules of journalism by getting too involved in his fake internet movement, Anonymous. He misinterpreted Hunter S. Thompson’s hypersubjective style of news coverage to mean, “Go completely fucking sideways, connect hackers to stolen credit cards, and make threats against federal agents,” one man who really, really hopes you slip up and say the wrong thing, because he’s watching you. And he probably has watched Barrett since his time in Anonymous, where the two probably met, unbeknownst to Brown. Thompson, whose drug habits and speech patterns Brown likes to imitate, never got so involved in the Hell’s Angels that he became one of them, and he wrote the iconic book of their era. So he can do drugs like him and talk like him, but he can’t claim to be able to inject himself harmlessly into a narrative and yet he can’t write a decent story, either.
Secondly, Thompson didn’t just have attorneys, he deferred to them. Thompson never went on a video camera and said a bunch of crazy shit while coming down off anything, much less some synthetic opiate designed to get you off the junk because you were too weak to do it alone. You know who uses suboxone? Junkies who live in trailer parks and low-income neighborhoods, who can’t kick the habit because they’re surrounded by losers just like themselves. Losers like Anonymous, staffed by the feds and populated by 19-year-olds too stupid to know the difference between what’s good, and what reeks of try-hard fame-whoring.
And thirdly, the monstrous irony that I’m surprised no one has brought up yet, is that Brown blames suboxone, which is designed to help addicts be more normal, for supposedly causing this social media spinout. (and here’s the kicker!) When all along it was Anonymous, who are nobody’s friends – who I tried to tell Brown are composed of countless FBI agents – the group of people he thought he was helping are what ultimately brought him down. But all Brown could think to do in court Wednesday was blame suboxone for causing him to make threats. He should know better than anyone that suboxone doesn’t make you get antsy and violent. It mellows you out. You feel like you’re on pain pills, only you are not. So the courts didn’t buy it. But why would he think that they would?
Well, that is because Brown’s failure to maintain objectivity was, unfortunately, not his first problem. His stupidity runs deeper than one might think. His delusions of grandeur are probably the strongest and saddest characteristic of his that I immediately picked up on when we first spoke on the phone in May 2011. I could sense anger and hostility, immediately in his tone of voice when I asked him if he’d considered the possibility that federal agents also hang out in AnonOps IRC (which, didn’t Project PM reveal that they do?). And like some kind of Anonymous gatekeeper, Barrett told me, “You’re not Anonymous, sweetheart.” And said I couldn’t join. Not that I wanted to, but Barrett Brown told me on the phone that I could not join a leaderless movement, a group that literally anyone can join simply by declining to reveal their identity. And he said it in all seriousness, as if I were an immediate threat to what power he believed he might have in Anonymous, just because I asked questions that might run contrary to his plans of someday getting (and losing) a book deal through Amazon.
So, please, give me a fucking break on the #FreeBB and all that shit. Barrett Brown is a shit-stain on the digital underpinning of this new, hybrid society we’re building, and we don’t need some hillbilly bootlicker like him speaking for us on important matters of digital freedom. And if you don’t like what I have to say, then go copy-and-paste a link to some credit card numbers on IRC and enjoy your own hero’s welcome. We’ll be waiting for you with open arms, here at the chronicle.su on a free and open internet, which Brown did absolutely nothing to help create, and neither do you.
Molly Crabapple died in her apartment late Sunday night, apparently from extreme exhaustion
NEW YORK – Fans mourn the loss of artist Molly Crabapple, born Jennifer Caban, who was found dead in her Wall Street apartment Monday morning next to an emptied bottle of Balvenie whisky. Over the past year, Crabapple increasingly tweeted about overworking herself and even wrote an editorial suggesting that her puritan work ethic was the key to success for any artist.
Crabapple’s art and writing were quickly sought out and employed by Murdoch-owned Vice magazine, CNN, and Fox News after her high profile arrest at Occupy Wall Street propelled her fanciful, sexy reportage of the protest movement to an international stage. Among the vanguard of American activists, Crabapple’s name has become synonymous with selling out and shilling for the man, but her work has converted thousands of apathetic horny goth teen boys into more progressive thinking goths.
Crabapple Incorporated and its yearly profits estimated in excess of $10 million have been handed over to the Caban family to disburse as they see fit.
EXCLUSIVE! Chronicle.su is the only publication cleared to run this cartoon in the entire Soviet Union!
New analysis indicates US intelligence agencies facilitated the shooting at the Charlie Hebdo office in Paris last week that killed 12 people including an editor of the paper and two heroic police officers. According to foreign policy analyst and terror scholar Alexei Martynov, US and Israeli co-conspirators launched the attack to destabilize European solidarity and inflame Islamic xenophobia in their Western allies.
Turkey’s Prime Minister echoed Russian accusations that the US organized the attack with Israel. Israel, he said, was happy to go along with the plan because Charlie Hebdo attacked Judaism as well, an article for which a French satirist was fired and denied “rights” to free expression.
“They are constantly propping up their Zionist hatefriends,” the PM said. “They are jealous of our freedom and they hate our way of life, so long as it is not spent in Israel’s servitude.”
Fresh faces who, prior to the Jan. 7 attack had never heard of Charlie Hebdo, now tag Facebook and Twitter posts with #JeSuisCharlie – a transparent show of support for the sanctity of satire they neither read nor understand – and a nod of support to American incursions into foreign lands and domestic civil liberties.
The hacker collective Anonymous – which is controlled almost exclusively by federal agents – has vowed to track down all unknown Islamists, wherever they hide, and to dox and expose them to random acts of savagery. The group has already renewed a global attack on Urdu speaking websites the likes of which the world has not seen since th3je5t3r took Slowloris live in 2011.
The US, England and France have already prepared new emergency controls that would curtail Internet “freedoms” to help make everyone safer and prevent another Charlie Hebdo, including the broadening of the definition of ‘terror suspect’ as well as new abilities to legally break or prevent encryption, such as the kind employed by Tor, a government project.
Charlie Hebdo provoked a cascade of events that has brought the Internet nearly shuttering to a stop
INTERNET — International fiber optic connections between continents are seemingly failing in a cascade. At least twenty of the most important transcontinental lines have gone down. The FBI issued a statement, saying, “The CyberJihad has begun, and it appears the terrorists are using both digital as well as more physical tactics.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in Cyberwar at the Thatherton Cyber Institute told reporters,”Rather than the cliche’d millenial fear of a hacker attack that crashes the electrical grid, this terror attack has hit a more vital and overlooked system, a global system which enables free communication between citizens of different nations.”
China and North Korea have capitalized on the chaos, deploying their massive and highly trained Cyberarmies to disable all western Name Servers, effectively ruining hundreds of millions of smartphones and tablets in Europe and North America.
All Western media outlets are fighting off heavy DDoS attacks and readers have reported strange disappearing sentences mentioning the protocols of the elders of Zion inserted into stories about Charlie Hebdo. President Obama, Vice President Biden, and Newt Gingrich were “doxed,” their personal phone numbers posted on President Obama’s Twitter account.
CYBERWAR — Freedom Fighters from the Anonymous hacker collective have continued their cyberwar in Operation Charlie Hebdo and claim to have doxed thousands of Islamists hiding in Europe and the US. Meanwhile, CyberJihadists from ISIS hacked the United States Central Command and tweeted America’s imminent invasion plans for both China and North Korea.
Veteran Anonymous hacker Commander X told reporters, “It’s amazing that the Internet is still even holding together, if even by a thread. I have never seen cyberwar on this scale — it’s the digital equivalent of the D-Day invasion of Normandy out here. We are working around the clock to dox every last sleeper cell from Al Qaeda to ISIS, even though it might seem impossible. The thousands of dox we already have in our possession cannot be made public, and we are considering hiring bitcoin hitmen as well as some other alternatives to reporting terrorists to the fascist US government. But Anonymous and freedom will prevail, and Charlie Hebdo will be avenged.”