Macaulay Culkin’s Pizza Underground shocks desensitized internet masses.
For a piece of art to be popular on the internet today, a spark of novelty injected into the hopelessly derivative and easily recognizable is a prerequisite. The recursive “meta” wink and nudge, an unusual (especially ephemeral) medium, or a clever pun playing on the day’s top story are all bonuses. I was excited to hear Macaulay Culkin’s band, Pizza Underground, playing parodies of the Velvet Underground interlaced with references to Papa John’s and Pizza Hut, but behind the pizza masks and amateur covers, there’s desperation. There is an overabundance of content. From strained Maoist analyses of the Saiyan homeworld in Dragon Ball Z to Our God is an Awesome God (dubstep remix), there has never been quite so much banality.
In Cory Doctorow’s Makers this aesthetic event is played out not on Reddit or Twitter, but in a fictional 3d-printing boom. The short-lived economic surge it triggers, dubbed New Work, causes high levels of employment where the little guys creating this stuff make tons of money. Ultimately, this tide of derivative 3d printed junk recedes into a marginal nostalgia ride curated by users. Then the ride becomes very popular, only to be sabotaged and brutalized by a crazed Disney executive, desperate to keep his job. This is dangerous fiction, a place where friendly corporate entities battle mean old monopolists. Here, the tangible is as easily reproducible as the digital, so it stands in for it. The theme ride that takes users through an ever-changing algorithmic arrangement of 3d printed relics is like the front page of Reddit, or YouTube, but in the book it is a loosely organized not-for-profit collective run by a bunch of lovable guys where the upvoting and downvoting mechanisms bring out subtle narratives instead of sex, lies, and fatal epic fails. At times it is an absurd caricature of the conflict between rising internet entertainment powerhouses and aging entertainment industries given over entirely to depicting the likes of Google as a ragtag band of subversive and incidental freedom fighters. In the real world, it’s hard to see Google’s monopolistic, opaque advertisement partnership scams as a possible career path for millions — they cut this infallible publication off without giving any reason or recourse for appeal. Even the marginal utopia in Makers seems derivative, so full of brand names and buzzwords I wonder if Doctorow is getting product placement checks along with the income he gets for advising cryptography salesman, even as he suggests children aren’t “digital natives” unless they learn to use crypto. I suppose science fiction has never been the most lucrative industry, but one can at least hope for the kind of world depicted in Makers, one where infinitesimally cheap reproduction would benefit the creators of original content rather than those with a monopoly on the means of reproduction.
A photograph of a vacation bungalow in an exotic location showed off its glass floors — pristine windows into a perfectly lit pond full of gorgeous fish. This was one of the most upvoted images of the day, the perfect photography as much as the interesting architecture inspiring tens of thousands of happy clicks. However, in the comment section for this photograph, users upvoted less flattering images of the same ramshackle hut where there were no fish or glowing lights in the water. The artistry of the photographer, in the eyes of many commenters, was not even a possibility — the image was obviously doctored in photoshop (and that’s not an art to appreciate, either).
This is a milieu of snark. Nickelodeon WebHeads has children pressing buzzers in a game show, rewarding the kid who nails the precise moment some poor sap is maimed for life in a hilarious video. Best to be just another mark in the daily parade of glyphs referencing a set of popular characters, arranged in every permutation and medium imaginable. Each novel click is another grain of sand on a pile of ennui too big to fit in the Death Star, the Tardis, King’s Landing, or…
Edward Snowden hasn’t revealed anything at all about 9/11 inside job
INTERNET — It’s been said time and time again that 9/11 inside job is the grandaddy of all conspiracy theories, although that term’s marginal flavor hardly applies when the majority of the world believes in it. If one is to assume that an all-powerful cabal is influencing major trends and beliefs across the globe, then it follows that the predominant 9/11 inside job narratives were a result of subtle manipulations of elite propagandists. Are they the Illuminati? Are they contracted out by the G7, Bohemian Grove, Koch Brothers (who control Alex Jones), or Bilderburgers? Most analysts agree it was likely the Koch Brothers or Bilderburgers who wanted to drive anti-government sentiments in order to cut corporate taxes because Alex Jones, their shill, visibly and actively promoted the inside job story in the earliest days. However, Stealth Propaganda, the atomic bomb of information warfare, exists and is responsible for millions of automated bots around the world which appear to be perfectly human facebookers or tweeters yet serve some other’s shadowy purpose. Recent revolutions in Tunisia, Egypt, and now Ukraine are proof positive that Stealth Propaganda is the most powerful, yet invisible, form of propaganda ever created. There is no way to know which parties are deploying it when, except to connect interests with results, and that can only even then provide guesses.
There are so few answers and these answers only lead to more and more questions. Could it be that Islamic Terrorism is in fact a real thing? Could, in fact, people hate this country from outside enough to want to blow up our precious towers? Why would they hit our businesses hardest, toppling the World Trade Center towers and leaving a much smaller hole in a military — not legislative or even executive — building? Why hasn’t Edward Snowden said anything about 9/11?
Everyone remembers the moments those towers fell, but who remembers the first time they heard the term Ground Zero, or 9/11? Ground Zero was a direct reference to nuclear weapons — weapons which have only been deployed on the Japanese by Americans. 9/11 is a brand name for a line of swag, an entire industry of merchandise, the date on which air travel became a permanently funeral-like experience, and most importantly the numeral encoded into our brains and into our phone system which automatically triggers an immune response from the police. As those towers fell, flags flew off the shelves, patriotism surged to an all-time high, but within a few years most Americans converted to the belief that the attack was a false flag. They had been deceived, and they knew their boys were sent to die for the oil companies and the weapons companies.
It was a win-win for big businesses. Everyone took a ride, most especially the pundits who made money at stoking hate for the government. However, it seems that the military may have shown its hand by hitting itself with a superficial blow while dealing the meaningful blow to the financial sector — which crashed by 2008. The CIA is also known to have strong ties and operatives working inside of Al-Qaeda, and some have even suggested Osama Bin Laden himself was a paid operative, only killed as a part of stagecraft to support Obama’s reelection. Because of the military’s relationship with private contractors and weapons manufacturers, as well as the CIA’s ongoing role in protecting American-owned business interests especially in Central and South America, it can be said that these government entities, on their own, are strongly allied with big business, but not the biggest of business — that is, the finance sector. In fact, those are the very type of banks and financial institutions that were destroyed when the World Trade Center fell. Wall Street, just one block away, was shut down for weeks.
The farther down this rabbit hole one goes, the more questions arise. But the one man who likely knows all the answers, Edward Snowden, has not said a word that could clarify anything. In fact, what he has said about internet surveillance is critical of the NSA, an arm of the government that is now in threat of being taken over by privatized for-profit intelligence contractors, the industry Snowden worked in before working at the NSA. Recent attacks, directed by FBI operative Hector Monsegnur (Sabu), against such private intelligence firms as Stratfor and HBGary show that this conflict between the government and private moneyed interests are anything but imaginary. Snowden, having had free access to the entire internet, must know much more than he is letting on. Many have accepted Snowden as a true hero without criticizing him, so much so that it seems yet another case of propaganda for big businesses. Is he merely a fearmongering crypto-salesman from the tech industry, or does he care about our freedoms and truth? Please Snowden, the people of the world want answers so we can finally write an authoritative history, a truth behind all the madness, propaganda, and robotic stealth shills.
New weather hypermodeling gives meteorologists in the military unbelievable predictive capabilities
INTERNET — A team of meteorologists at DARPA have announced a “near solution” to weather prediction so complex that it not only takes into account the gravitational pull of planets in our solar system but also of nearby stars. These systems are so precise, in fact, that the team’s leader, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “We were able to accurately predict a small thunderstorm, not even a mile wide, a year in advance. And we’re just now getting our systems truly synced with all the satellite data.”
However, this weather prediction system is so powerful the government wants to keep it out of the hands of its enemies. Dr. Troubador said, “On the battlefield, this kind of knowledge will allow our boys the edge in every situation.” Luckily for Americans, DARPA has promised to spill the beans on any tornadoes or hurricanes it predicts might threaten citizens — as long as it does not threaten national security.
One unintended consequence of the new technology has scientists from many fields both concerned and excited. Dr. Troubador raved about the technology’s new possibilities, saying, “Within just a few years, we’ll be able to use this technology to extrapolate backwards in time centuries or even thousands of years. It is that accurate. And then we’ll be able to look at the weather during important historic moments and analyze long-term climate changes that led to population declines or increases in the past. We’ll be able to look at the gusts of wind that the vikings rode to the Americas. Did they really colonize the Mayan civilization? Finally we’ll have an answer.”
A colloquium of concerned scientists, however, at the Conference to Protect the Past, say this technology is just one of many that threatens the privacy of people who are long dead. Dr. Cecilia Darwin spoke out, saying, “We are, ourselves, people of the past, and extrapolative technologies such as Dr. Troubador’s are more threatening to privacy than any surveillance program ever conceived. It is altogether plausible that in just a decade or two similar technologies could open up incomprehensibly accurate windows into the private lives of any person in all of history, including anyone alive today. We need to make sure this power is in the hands of capable and competent scientists with a strong ethical framework, rather than military elites.”
Molly Crabapple’s latest painting, OpPornPixie
INTERENT — Molly Crabapple, artist and blogger known for her commentary about how the world’s messed up, tweeted Friday about her latest painting entitled OpPornPixie. At the center of the operation is a highly stylized and glamorous self-portrait overlaid with a bloodspatter of the kind of abusive comments the artist receives as a consequence of being a hip public figure and advocate for women, sex workers, and justice for the persecuted and powerless.
The cloud of hate is punctuated at her neck with a question mark. The only upside-down words, “Despicable Creature,” (perhaps the work’s true title?) are stylized with the artist’s trademark font rather than the bloodspatter of the hateful comments. Is this text a self-inflicted wound?
Some of the abusive text cuts across her face, adorns her hair, or seems to become a part of her face, lining her eyebrows and even standing in for eyelashes. In one photo, the artist poses for a “selfie” in front of the self portrait, the artist’s vengeful glance at the camera contrasting with the subtly saddened face in the enormous painting behind her.
The social media performance that accompanies the painting, Op[eration]PornPixie, is possibly just beginning, but so far it aligns with the vengeful glance of the artist in the selfie — it has made the abusers mad. Crabapple has retweeted a handful of criticism directed at the work. One critic said, “Very self serving and self indulgent. Its all about you flower,” and another said, “Stop oppressing people by crowdsourcing free insults. Insulters deserve fair wages for their digital labor.”
It is perilous to speak of an artist’s intent, but Crabapple opens this discussion on Twitter, saying, “I’m not making this piece because I feel threatened or scared of internet fuckery. I do think it should be visible, preserved. Some is lulz.” And the painting does provide that kind of reportage, although maybe the lulz are hiding in the words that are not legible. However, it is important to consider the context of Crabapple’s advocacy journalism and the temporary surge of attention violence against women is receiving in the wake of the Isla Vista shootings. Crabapple is, as always, ready with brush in hand to paint the sensational and oh-so-conscious trend of the week. This gigantic self-portrait, spattered with violent words that have wounded the noble advocate for women’s rights depicts (or covers over?) a bloodier, self-inflicted wound instantly recognizable to any popular artist: A “despicable creature” defined by the audience and its expectations, painting what’s trending on Twitter.
Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.
WISCONSIN — Scientist, Polymath, and newly recognized Saint of the Divinity Megachurch Consortium Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proudly announced, “Thanks be to the grace of God and the miracles of modern science, that today a thousand babies, once aborted by mothers, were saved.”
Through an underground network of dissident health industry workers, the DNA of every American child aborted in a licensed facility has been collected, cataloged, and preserved. For decades, the problem of cloning this database of nameless children has been solved, but breakthroughs in rapid prototyping, robotics, chemical synthesis, and virtual reality have allowed for the final steps of the subversive pro-life scientist’s crusade against abortion.
Dr. Troubador said, at a raucous press release, “We’ve been able to clone children since the 90’s, and I predicted it would be only another two decades until we could automate the raising of a child and provide for their material needs entirely in the dumpster biosphere. It wasn’t hard. We took out their DNA – from the trash bins behind Satan’s clinics – and plugged it into a computer,” Troubadour said.
Dr. Troubador has been able to quickly produce thousands of prototype incubators, which auto-install into most standard dumpsters and run entirely off of solar energy. The incubators have a robotic unit that will sort edible materials out of the trash for the babies, as the babies are entertained by a never ending stream of church propaganda, Fox News, and bible study.
Dr. Troubador wrote of some risks while in the early stages of his project and still in the stage of collecting DNA from aborted fetuses back in the 80’s, “There is a small risk that the purifying food re-synthesis unit will fail because of overly toxic trash, robotic failure, or a lack of biomaterials or moisture in the dumpster. However, I’ve calculated that only a handful of these babies will die this way, and that we’ll at the same time successfully bring back potentially millions of aborted babies with this technology. If some die, they can always be cloned again.”
Tammy Faulkland, 34, said she was shocked to discover with her aborted child who had been extracted, as DNA, from a Planned Parenthood dumpster more than five years ago.
“The baby was a-layin’ there in the dumpster watchin’ a screen like that man in A Clockwork Orange, just absorbing all that religious hate,” Faulkland said. “I just about didn’t recognize him, in his little box in there. Son of a bitch looked just like his daddy, but in a clean little box instead of him covered in piss and used condoms.”
Faulkland said she did not ask for her child back, but by miracle of God and science, he appeared.
“It’s a lot like the story of Jesus,” she said. “He was gone one day, and then later on he’s back, like a zombie, except he wants everybody to think and believe just like Him in perfect uniformity.”
Dr. Troubadour’s incubators are indistinguishable from traditional dumpsters. From the outside, they are green, blue, black; some have lids, and some do not; through neoliberal powerhousehouse Lebal Drocer, Inc., they are much more.
“The likelihood of you throwing a baby or fetus into a 3D-printed Lebal Drocer-brand Refuse-Reuse-Reanimation Facility is upwards of 99 percent,” Troubadour said. “If you throw a baby or a fetus, or a dead cat – or anything – into one of our mass-produced facilities, there is a good chance it will come back as a pro-life freedom fighter.”
Already, churches aligned with Dr. Troubador’s project are urging their congregations to “throw away more food” to feed the aborted children being raised in dumpsters. This Sunday, Pastor Mel Frederickson addressed his megachurch congregation, saying, “Today is a day like none other, because today I can announce that every child ever aborted is going to be brought back to life by Saint Troubador! Through God’s Grace the leftovers of society, thrown out because of Satan’s planned parents, are going to eat on our leftovers. But thousands of babies, brought back to life in every county, town, and city means there are going to be a lot of needy, and the church needs to take them under our wing. Give more to the trash. It’s as simple as that.”
Corporate troughs like Burger King, McDonald’s and KFC have instituted strict “pro-waste” policies, insisting on permanent termination of any employee caught using expired food at home, or donating stale bread to soup kitchens. Representatives from Chic-Fil-A said they now throw away half of every food order, to save America’s godless unborn.
At a Chik-Fil-A in the Clarksville Mall, manager Strom Stormerson announced that every Sunday, his Chik-Fil-A franchise will be serving free chicken sandwiches, limit one per customer, but he hopes customers will chip in and buy at least two orders of filling, delicious waffle fries.
“The secular left who thinks the world owes them a hand-out finally has one,” Stormerson said. “Here’s your fuckin’ handout, faggots: How about a free chicken sandwich that some unappreciative high school kids will order – just so they can throw it out – and feed our blessed child army.”
The OsamaCoin is the world’s fastest growing cryptocurrency designed for financing terror operations.
INERNET — The New OsamaCoin cryptocurrency, a digital commodity much like bitcoin, has reached a total market value of $10 trillion overnight as investors in Dubai learned of its existence through a viral buzzfeed blog post entitled OsamaCoins, the new cryptocurrency for funding global Islamic Terror.
Dr. Angmid H. Truhmed, of the Cairo Institute for Technology and also Muslim Brotherhood Computer Terrorist, designed the OsamaCoin, and said of it, “OsamaCoins are the world’s greatest answer to Christian and Jewish hegemony, which has for so long suppressed Sharia law. I have named the coin after the great financier of Jihad, Osama Bin Laden. Allah Akbar!”
OsamaCoin has gained traction in the often misunderstood human trafficking and black markets. The latest of these, Silk Road 4, openly features Islamic iconography on its home page. Khaled Ahmedineshan said he uses the OsamaCoin to convert USD acquired through the CIA into Egyptian fiat. “With just 36 of your dollars, I can purchase many brides,” Khaled said. “I am staging the stoning of my third wife this Sunday, to make room for a fourth.”
The US Government, too, has its hands in OsamaCoins — and for good reason. CIA Director John Brennan said financing secret wars has never been easier. “Before we knew about the OsamaCoin, for example, we had to pay operatives with actual U.S. dollars,” Brennan said. “On the books in the 1980s, that didn’t look so good. But now what we do is convert our plummeting currency into the new gold standard of underground commerce: the OsamaCoin. It’s what operatives expect to be paid in, and we’ve doubled our money on the investment already. That means twice as many secret wars.”
Legal Islamic goods can also be purchased with OsamaCoins on The Oasis, a shopping site where tens of thousands of Burkas, or Islamic veils for women, have already been sold. The Oasis also sells Persian Rugs, Hookahs, and Dokha — a technically legal version of tobacco that is so strong teens use it to get stoned. Iran also transacted its first sale of domestic oil to a foreign party, in violation of sanctions, thanks entirely to the clever use of OsamaCoin – establishing the cryptocurrency as a dual-purpose mission statement of economic freedom and political power.
The CIA has immunized the globe from dangerous terrorist genes “for centuries to come”
INTERNET — The CIA’s secret terror vaccine program, used to preemptively punish foreigners with “terror markers” in their genome, ended today even as it successfully brought peace to areas of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and beyond.
By analyzing the genomes of billions and isolating a few terror markers which predisposed nine out of ten patients in clinical trials to “fundamentalism, violence, and ideological dissatisfaction with arbitrary governance or imperialism,” immunologists at the CIA were able to target and neutralize seemingly innocent children and even potential marriages which, according to science, would have led to millions of terrorism-related deaths.
CIA terror immunologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It’s good that this information is coming out, and we can say openly the United States was not simply dropping bombs on random weddings in Pakistan and Afghanistan. These marriages would have surely lead to dangerous genetic combinations which would, according to sound science, breed killers and terrorists and potentially lead to the death of billions.”
Dr. Troubador, beaming in light of his success, said, “Terror is a global illness, an infection that spreads as a mind-virus to those who are predisposed to it. Through targeting certain genes common in the Middle East and eradicating weddings full of people who carry these terror markers, we’ve essentially immunized the human colony from terrorism for centuries to come.”
This announcement comes just one day before the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum at the site of Ground Zero. The 9/11 Memorial Museum, which houses thousands of unidentified body parts, is sponsored by Citibank and Cisco and its $65 million yearly bill will be paid for, in part, by light-blue 9/11 branded merchandise available to visitors at the 9/11 gift shop.
An emergency escape helicopter approaches the White House Friday morning as militias assemble at the gates
INTERNET — President Obama and staff fled to a secret location Friday afternoon utilizing escape tunnels and helicopters as armed American Spring militia men surrounded the White House.
American Spring militias now Occupy the White House and plan to hold a press conference within the hour, at which point analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador expects documents will be handed over to Congress demanding an end to Obamacare and massive revisions of the constitution.
Troubador speculated on possible outcomes of the new government and which leaders might rise to power, saying, “Jamie Jo Corne will likely worm her way into power, somehow, even if it takes decades of calculation and deception. Sure, she may not be a big name in the American Spring movement at the moment, but that’s to her advantage in the long run. Until then, she’ll continue to suckle at General Lee’s side, exercising her influence through him and swaying him more and more towards her racist agenda of deportation and holocaust.”
A mob of civil rights activists could change the way a bill becomes law Friday by repetitively chanting slogans.
If enough protesters chant “Nobama,” a key piece of legislation is likely to bypass Congressional oversight to become the first law in American history to be introduced by mob rule.
The Washington Bull Party will combine hateful Tea Party slogans with stubborn resolve to collapse the free market and shut down American ports, Bull Party Leader Jamie Jo Corne said in a YouTube video.
“I’m going to Washington, and I’m going to fuckin’ throw my sign in their FACE,” Corne said. “I want them fuckin’ ports closed down. You wanna hurt ‘em? Go for their god damn jugular. Don’t bitch kick ‘em.”
Corne accused viewers of being “pussified non-Americans” and said they are just as bad as those illegal immigrants taking over the United States, raping citizens.
Also called the “American Spring,” event planners said the demonstration is going to be a real barn-burner. If laws change at the whim of mob rule, then America will take one giant leap toward a greater Democracy.
INTERNET — Metamodernism is an ism. Ism’s are important, as they help us define our daily behaviors, creations and artistic expressions. Yep, they’re importante. Why though, you don’t ask? Well, I’ll tell you: we have a need to classify and quantify our emotions and creative endeavors into a ‘sandbox’. This ‘sandbox’ can be escaped, yet we have to forget all notions of ism’s. Lofty feat, most say.
Esteemed colleague and fellow Internet Chronicle writer espouses his theory of ism’s to me via Google Chats. I’m too lazy to post the whole log because I’m prescribing to a certain ism at the moment, but essentially his basic viewpoint was “Make something, call it art, label it a part of an ism, nice shiny business suit” — fuck, sorry Kilgoar, I totally botched that quote, but hey man, great coat-jacket.
If this isn’t a trademarked ideological symbol yet, let’s get ON that shit!
Screen left – Enter psychedelia – Yes hello, psychedelics here, we’ve heard of your oscillations and we’d like to confirm and deny your general thesis. Although, Shia Labeouf is right on the money… fuck I love money… anyway, ONWARD!
We want to know metamoderinism. I need it in my life, much like I need the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. I do believe they are one in the same. The oscillations of metamoderinism are simply vibrations, which is a theory as old as some fucking philosopher. We vibrate at a certain frequency, this is true. Some call it the “Vibration of Life”, those people are faggots and are most definitely Phish fans. This metamodern oscillation theory, however, produces many a stout question we must ask ourselves: “Are we truly this awesome?”
The answer is still yet to be determined, but after consulting Internet experts at the archive.org’s way-back machine pages of the fark message board, we can only begin to grasp the origins of metamodernist culture. Within these hallowed halls of truly lulzy past, reveal a dark underbelly — if not an intentional plot– to thrust the metmodernist meme upon a youth already devoid of post-modernism, a scene without a label… perhaps better left that way.
NAY! There’s no time for pussy-footin’ round these times when it comes to art! Qualify and quantify, stick it in your local sink-hole of a DYI venue and make sure to make fliers — pamphlets even — because that worked before, but this will work better[reasons]. As fledgling psych, philosophy and English makers we had to take it a step further to truly understand the chaos, the oscillations, the correction of errors due.
This time around, we got’em, boss… we got’em.
We took acid that night.
You know what, I have my life and you have yours, don’t fucking tread on me, ok mom?