Brian Williams died under mysterious circumstances police are calling a “probable suicide”
CONNECTICUT — Tuesday evening, Brian Williams was found dead in his New Canaan mansion from what police said was most likely a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The NBC News Anchor was caught lying about facing RPG fire in Iraq and once said he saw dead bodies floating in a part of New Orleans that was not flooded by hurricane Katrina.
Monday, Williams announced he would “take a few days off,” but his suicide Tuesday evening has left fans and critics shocked. Friends and family told reporters Williams was, “not happy” and suggested that his career was built on far worse lies that he promised to soon reveal.
Police are investigating the tragic circumstances as there seems to be strong evidence for the possibility of foul play. Police Chief Gerald Hartford told reporters, “Now, there are lots of people with motives to take out Williams, especially military men who have had their valor stolen. That’s why we’re investigating foul play, but it appears to be a suicide. We’re not 100 percent, but that’s what it looks like at first glance.”
Others speculated that Williams exaggerated and sensationalized his stories as a result of brutal editorial control that the CIA exerts over him and NBC News. As the theory goes, the CIA feared he might reveal too much and had to “suicide” him to keep the wraps on their cloak-and-dagger propaganda operations.
Vladimir Putin unleashed final proof of 9/11 inside job
MOSCOW — Vladimir Putin shared top secret Russian satellite photographs showing 9/11 was in fact an inside job. The startling photographs show explosives being loaded into passenger planes at Langley Field and tracks them as they travel to Pennsylvania, New York City, and Washington DC.
Traces of nano-thermite, which is capable of melting the tremendous steel beams of the World Trade Center, were sampled and confirmed by Russian intelligence through moles working at Ground Zero.
Putin clutched at photographs in one hand and positive samples of nano-thermite traces in the other, and said, “We do not want a nuclear war in Ukraine, but the United States does! A small tactical nuke was used on the chemical plant in Donetsk, but not by the Russian Federation. We will fight back with aggressive diplomacy, leaking the worst secrets of the United States. Our nuclear arsenal is a last resort.” On a final note, Putin added, “I am not autistic.”
The 9/11 Memorial Museum at Ground Zero opened for tourists in May last year and features the official narrative of the terror attack. Thousands of children are indoctrinated by the museum each day, taught a version of events that conflict with the best available evidence and the proof leaked by Vladimir Putin.
RAQQA, SYRIA — Vice News traveled to Raqqa, the ISIL stronghold where fighters for the Islamic State are under heavy fire not only from the Jordanian air force, but from hackers at Anonymous. Tarik Shabab, lieutenant commander of an elite video crew that staged several of the most viral beheading videos, says he is the target of a coordinated harassment campaign from Anonymous. We met him in the audio visual barracks buried in the heart of a secret reinforced concrete bunker on the outskirts of Raqqa.
Tarik Shabab barked at his white, middle class American helpers in English as we entered his chamber from the dusty tunnel. “No, there is still blood on the green screen for Christ’s sake. We have another beheading to do.” Tarik, as we came to know him, claimed he shot hundreds of beheading videos, although only two or three were, in his words, “Some real barnburners, the very lifeblood of the Jihad.”
In 2014, Tarik’s best work went viral when ISIS beheaded an American hero, inflaming a new round of American patriotism. That patriotism, as we came to find out, inspired an Anonymous operation known as #OpISIS.
#OpISIS issued a warning to the terrorists, saying, “ISIS, we will hunt you, take down your sites, accounts, emails and expose you… You will be treated like a virus, and we are the cure. We own the internet.”
Anonymous is a hacker collective that came to prominence in 2011 after satirist Barrett Brown led the group to initiate operation Arab Spring, triggering the fall of Tunisia. For several years now, Anonymous has been a source of instability in the region, generating massive symbiotic profits for US defense contractors and ISIL warlords.
Brown, a strict atheist, still leads the collective from his mobile prison cell in Texas, releasing tasks and commands for his Anonymous sub-group, Project PM, through hidden messages buried in weekly editorials published at the Daily Beast, Internet Chronicle, and DMagazine. Because of Brown’s previous manipulations in the middle east, as well as his distaste for the Islamic faith, Anonymous expert Biella Coleman speculated that the abuse campaign directed at ISIL was carried out at Brown’s direct command.
Brown has made himself a thorn in the Islamic State’s side, but the human toll has gone unreported. Tarik explained his creative process as “exhausting, thankless work,” and complained that Barrett Brown’s hacker crusade has made it nearly impossible for women and children at his studio to continue their work.
“It takes about a hundred shoots before you just nail it and get the right mix of gore, terror, and spectacle,” he said. “Our subjects often will flinch or make stupid faces to screw up the scene, and oftentimes artful editing is necessary to keep the right tone. We use the green screen and big studio lights so that we can film any time we want as if it were a sunny day in the desert. That’s essential to inspire optimal fear. We’ve moved the studio four times in the last few months and narrowly missed a few commando raids, so we are always working in a rush because every shoot could be the last.”
Recently, Tarik’s work has slowed to a crawl due to sustained harassment from Anonymous and #OpISIS.
“Allah help me, but #OpISIS is ruining my life. They’re constantly on my twitter mentions, threatening my life. Every day I have to deal with the threat of death from commandos in reality, but I expected things to be more civil on the internet. More controlled. But twitter won’t block the racists for me, and it takes so much effort to keep up with our fans while blocking out the trolls.”
Over tea, Tarik offered Vice News an opportunity to witness the creation of a viral terror video from start to finish. He took us down into a cold, dark dungeon where torturers were prepping prisoners for beheading. In one small, well-lit corner of the dungeon an Indonesian woman applied makeup to one rigid, fully-prepped prisoner.
“You wouldn’t believe the sexist things the trolls send to Mae Lee’s facebook page,” Tarik explained, gesturing at the makeup artist, “She is a strong woman though, and it all seems to roll right off her back. But she’s lost her business because of it, and now no one will hire her to do makeup for their sex slaves because they think she is a slut. It is simply barbaric what they’ve done to her.”
Tarik pointed at the prisoner, “Now, notice how his jaw is locked in place. That is what our torturers look for before moving the infidel to makeup. In this state he is not likely to resist or make funny faces. Brutality and terror of the beheading is not enough. The infidel must be more beautiful to give contrast to the terror of our warriors. His chiseled features and striking eyes must say, ‘Help me, I’m too precious to Die!’ and Mae Lee is the best in the business. The very best.”
Tarik guided us up a narrow flight of stairs into a tunnel where his crew and a garrison of fighters slept. In a far corner, there was a ragged niche in the concrete where weapons, torture implements, and various beheading tools were kept. A small Nigerian boy sat at a grinding wheel, sharpening a tremendous scimitar.
“This is Mombata,” Tarik said. “He keeps our weapons in top shape. Show them what you do, Mombata.”
Grinning, Mombata set the scimitar aside and wielded an AK-47, rapidly cycling the chamber while Tarik clapped. “Very good! See? He is just a small boy but he fixed that gun and look how it works now. Mombata is vital to our operation. The worst thing that can happen in a beheading is when we don’t cut clean through the head in one go, and for that the blade must be sharpened before each beheading. Mombata takes care of that.”
Tarik shed a tear and gripped Mombata’s shoulder. “Unfortunately, Anonymous hackers called Mombata autistic the other day and he’s been terribly butthurt. Such a small child, targeted by mean people on the internet. He is not the most social boy, but he is very good with his hands. Plus, he’s never been vaccinated so there’s not even a chance he’s autistic. But this is the kind of trolling we deal with every day.”
By the time we returned to Tarik’s studio, the prisoner was tied in place before the green screen on a foam sacrifice rock and ready for his beheading. The grim beheaders wrapped themselves in black linen costumes for the shoot, and one checked his iPhone. His body seemed to lose all strength and crumble as he fell to his knees.
“Why!?” He screamed, “WHY!?? They hacked my gmail and I’ve lost all my accounts. Everything is gone. My life is over. Over.” The beheader threw his black wrappings to the ground and fled the room, sobbing.
Tarik turned red and began to shout. “I can do nothing! Nothing! They target me, my actors, my editors. Allah Damn Anonymous! Every time we are ready it goes wrong because of those hacker meddlers. This infidel will probably wake from his catatonic state any minute, before I can calm my beheader.”
Tarik turned to us, his eyes wide, and he pointed to Vice reporter Andrew Blake, “You! You must fill in. Do it now or Mombata shoots you.” Standing behind Tarik, the Nigerian boy squinted down the barrel of the AK-47 just as if he were a veteran child-soldier fresh out of Kony’s army.
Blake picked up the wrappings and donned the black cloth, ready to execute the infidel.
Coaching Andrew’s posture aggressively, Tarik barked directions as the camera crew began recording. The beheading unfolded smoothly over the next five minutes and the cameramen caught it all in stunning high def. Although Andrew didn’t swing the scimitar, when he uncovered his face he looked dry and pale as if his soul had left his body. Mombata escorted Vice out of the bunker, and we left Raqqa traumatized, although we didn’t know whether to blame Anonymous or ISIL for the terror we just witnessed.
Jesus Christ Megastar has been called the Anti-Christ by Pope Francis
INTERNET — The Internet’s 13 most talented and Christlike figures, as selected from billions of Twitter users through an algorithm cribbed straight out of the bible, will appear Friday on NBC’s Jesus Christ Megastar to compete for status as the icon and messiah of the world’s first algorithmically-derived branch of Christianity, Christ’s Children’s Church (CCC). By hoovering up social media data, digital sociologists at CCC have engineered what they believe will be the most robust marketing campaign of all time. Thousands of used supercomputers from the 90’s have been trained to optimize a belief structure so appealing they hope it will gain converts at a record breaking rate. Interestingly, the interpretation of the bible the algorithm has developed requires their church to be the fulfillment of the second coming of Christ.
Many Christians have derided CCC for its heretical doctrine, and Pope Francis told reporters, “It’s a sleek marketing campaign and a gimmick, not any form of Christianity recognized by any other branch of Christianity as remotely Christian in its teachings. I know it to be the Anti-Christ, the development of all the world’s evil into a single power, a great deceiver.”
At the end of each episode of Jesus Christ Megastar, the contestants will kneel before a tremendous stack of outdated supercomputers and the Judas-like figure that hosts and narrates the show will “betray” one of the disciples. Disciples who show unconscious malice in their behavior on screen will be eliminated one by one until the most benevolent Christ is chosen.
Ukraine – Ukrainian government officials confirmed a nuclear blast was detected in Ukraine Sunday. No other news is coming out of the area.
Three videos just uploaded show the small nuclear blast below. Nothing more is known at this time, including who launched the weapon or against which target.
The materials appear to have originated from the war-torn region of Ukraine, where separatists are attempting to return control of the former Soviet nation to Russia.
The attack comes after Britain’s defense minister voiced concerns Russia may have “lowered the threshold” for using nuclear weapons.
In their criticisms, Britain warned Russia’s nuclear strategy was being integrated with conventional forces in “a rather threatening way.”
Russia’s new military doctrine reserves the right to use nuclear weapons in a conventional attack that endangers the state’s existence, but some in the military were reportedly calling for a “first strike option.”
Fans mourn the loss of Jenny McCarthy, who died suddenly of Measles
VACCINATION — Pro-freedom activist and parenting expert Jenny McCarthy fell sick Friday from an acute infection of Measles and died suddenly in her Hollywood apartment at age 42, refusing all medical care. McCarthy told family members, “I’d rather die than be jabbed with that autism juice,” just hours before the Measles infection spread to her brain and caused fatal encephalitis.
McCarthy and other “Anti-vaxxers” blame the heavy metals used in vaccinations for autism, a disease which affects billions around the globe, including Vladimir Putin, who suffers from a mild form of autism known as Asperger’s that was brought on by a Measles vaccination. The few non-autistic families who choose to avoid vaccinations are some of the very last humans to maintain a natural relationship with their bodies and the earth, and see the disease as a rite of passage to a life of freedom and struggle towards glory. Hacker and actual neo-Nazi Andrew Aurnheimer, also known as weev, told reporters, “Almost nobody dies from measles, but when you survive you’re increasing your capability to survive and accelerating evolution. Vaccines and other unnatural meddling with freedom is part of the Jewish agenda to degenerate The West and undo evolution so that communist China will become supreme ruler of the world.”
Marijuana is a natural panacea. Vaccines rewrite your DNA.
By Mark Ames, Glenn Greenwald, Laura Poitras, and R. Crumb — Satire is dead. Practically no one will pay for it and no writer is even capable of delivering a satiric effect to American audiences. Trust me, I tried. It’s a losing investment every time.
There are always handholds in popular American satire, if you can call it satire, and the vicious confrontational stuff without handholds is only seen as pure malice and dickishness. Satire writers are forced into this corner by horizontal censorship, largely enforced by the internet hacking collective Anonymous.
I remember when The Hippie Movement and Punk Rock died like it was yesterday, but I never imagined satire was just another passing fad. It feels good to be that final generation of satire, the cynical nostalgia I’m feeling is quite pleasant. I’m proud of it. Like Hunter S. Thompson said, this is a generation of swine, and they won’t know a good satire when they see it. 9/11 scared the last drop of piss out of them.
The Internet Chronicle was originally revealed to be a satire by Paul Joseph Watson of Infowars, shocking hundreds of thousands of confused readers. But last summer Fox News announced, in conjunction with the FBI, that Sabu infiltrated and social engineered Infowars reporters and influenced them in subtle ways. They were mind-controlled into telling audiences that Chronicle.su is fake.
Newly hacked documents from HBGary reveal that the so-called “Metal Gear” propaganda superweapon spammed any posters of links to Chronicle.su with disruptive comments, condemning the satire as “fake” and not in correspondence with truth as established by Wikipedia and its de facto Objectivist Czar, Jimmy Wales.
FOOTBALL — Sunday morning, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ruled that the New England Patriots would be forced to forfeit the Super Bowl after announcing that the intentional deflation of footballs nullified their AFC championship victory. Goodell told stunned reporters, “There will be no Super Bowl this year and no glory for the cheaters. This is a historic decision, but integrity and fairness in football is of the utmost importance. The Seahawks are NFL champions, and we will have a small ceremony and present the trophy to them this evening.”
The hundreds of millions of fans who gather for Super Bowl junk food parties instead gathered in the streets and overturned cars in Boston and in Phoenix, but were quickly suppressed by riot police. Riot officer Jeb Laramie said, “We’ve had a lot of practice suppressing riots lately, but these jocks are not your usual protesters. They’re big and mad and pushy, as well as violent. But, because they generally accept the rule of law and are just as mad as we are about all this, we didn’t fire rubber bullets or tear gas them. It just wasn’t necessary.” At least fifty cars were overturned and set on fire.
Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving five years in prison for revealing America’s possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda “atom bomb” known as Metal Gear
THE SLAMMER — Back in middle school, when I’d won the Ayn Rand essay contest and founded the objectivism club, I knew that I was going to be a famous writer one day. Everyone told me so. Even at that early age, I was a victim of a crazed government. The FBI stole millions of dollars from my family because of my father’s alleged illegal business activities. I was taught to hate and fear the FBI from an early age, but I fell into their devious trap and even promoted their work for nearly a year without realizing it. I led others into this same trap, but the guilt and shame are in the past, like my love for Ayn Rand. As such, now I’m famous and even a saint to the fools who bite at the deceptive propaganda put out by my cronies, and it only cost me $800,000 and a half decade of diesel therapy. Diesel Therapy is a form of torture where I get to tour several different prisons and never get to settle in. I’ve already been moved twice, a terror and torture so extreme only the maniacs at the FBI could think of it.
Of course I’m no longer an Objectivist, as I know that Ayn Rand is considered embarrassing among my contemporary revolutionaries. In recent years, I’ve rebranded myself as an Anarchist, and I do ultimately want to see an end to all nation states and religions. Because of nation states, and especially the FBI, satirists like me are no longer able to recruit new members of Anonymous or rise to a position of leadership at all. Journalists across the nation are now terrified and their voices are chilled, as they well should be. As such, the right to be a spokesperson for a revolutionary force that does not recognize the authority of government and fights its battles with doxing, carding, DDoSing, and so on is now in jeopardy, because the basic human right to quote and make menacing death threats or link to stolen credit card information is no longer protected speech, unless of course you are a pussy FBI agent or informant.
But all that threatening stuff I said was all just satire anyway, although I apologize for it and really it was the withdrawal from opiates to blame. I became famous for writing hilarious press releases for Anonymous that were interlaced with jokes and hoaxes, but I had no real power or importance at all. I don’t really buy into that stuff, it’s just an inside joke. Anonymous is all a prank. You may notice that my style of joking is so subtle and dry that it seems as if I really believe Anonymous might inevitably overthrow the government in five to ten years and that I want to be in charge! Hahahahahaha fooled you! I never really mean anything I say when it could be construed by humorless FBI agents as something illegal. I would never break the law or even advocate for breaking the law, because I fundamentally love the USA and especially respect its powerful military.
I affirmed the government’s authority at my sentencing hearing and told them that I simply wish they were following the law better and always got the facts about me just right. I hate it when people get the facts about me wrong, especially when they are making satire, working for the FBI, or doing fake anthropology with a personal vendetta to slander me. As I once explained satire to a bad satirist at chronicle.su, you have to really understand someone and always get the facts straight. Never just make stuff up and misrepresent someone because that is not satire or anthropology. It’s not even funny or true, because to poke fun at the revolution is to undermine its potential power and delay the inevitable end to nation states. When I’m out of prison and immediately back in power over Anonymous, I’m going to look into your fucking kids and bring back the real America, drive it through a carwash of FBI agents’ blood, and then maybe there will be some freedom to write satire and coordinate doxing and cardings of anyone I fucking want. Je Suis Charlie!
Barrett Brown is going through a hard time as the government continues its endless campaign of torturous and disorienting Diesel Therapy. Send him boring and unfunny books written by pundits — no satire please, he is not interested in reading trivial and untrue books written by the insane.
A Cuban defector shows off his illegal network setup. He was never seen again.
Havana – As the decadent West declares Internet access a ‘human right,’ our Cuban allies have not fallen prey to such hubris. Castro has stood ever firmly against Capitalist frivolities such as ‘connectivity’ and ‘liberalization,’ preserving the untamed power of the Internet for select members of government and tourist locales.
Some defective young Cubans, however, have “come up with their own solution” according to Western media sources. Since 2001, these rebels have created a homegrown terror network called SNet, short for streetnet.
Sources close to the SNet plutocracy say an estimated 9,000 computers are connected to a network of hidden, illegal Wi-Fi antennas and Ethernet cables, strung over rooftops and across city streets.
Because using Wi-Fi equipment without a license is illegal in Cuba, SNet is an illegal, unregulated capitalistic enterprise purchased and installed by a Western corporation to disrupt Cuban Communism, with the recognition of trade talks on the horizon.
SNet users play first-person-shooting games that simulate militarized attacks on Communism, such as Call of Duty.
Users are not allowed to share pornography across the network, and are banned for sharing “real Internet” links that would reveal the network to the outside world.