Fleshlight Launchpad ushers in new sex craze

INTERNET — People have been fucking stuffed animals modified with fleshlights for years now, but until today the imaginary sex objects have remained totally inert. With the new Fleshlight Launchpad, you can easily fuck an assortment of apps available in the Apple store, from sensuous anime geishas to over-the-top tongue and tentacle monster simulations. The roboticized fucktoy, which is made of a special cum-absorbing sex rubber that feels so good on your dick, can expand even over your balls for that extra warm sensation — if you pay an extra $29.99 for the cumsucker deluxe ball massager.

As you strap the Launchpad into your Apple iPad, dubstep music drops and you bear down on the fuckhole. Hard. You hear exaggerated screams and shudders of joy from your ipad’s tinny little speakers. Showers of virtual cum spurt on the Bukkake bitch, and with each thrust of your two foot long dick she sinks a little farther into the cum puddle. Her skin is perfectly taut and shiny, like a fleshy balloon, and she is now drowning in your endless cum, but still begging for more. You jizz into the fleshlight in under twenty seconds, earning you the world record for stamina on the Bukkake Fuck Fantasy App, because this technology is just that fucking good no one has ever lasted that long before. It’s been months of hard work to get that high score, but it’s finally paid off. You are the world’s greatest Apple iPad fucker. You disengage your cock from the self-cleaning rubber fuck hole and your balls ache. Every last drop was squeezed out by the ball massager, well worth the extra money, and your testicles are shrunken like raisins ever since you started fucking the fuckpad.

Buy the new Fleshlight Launchpad and strap your dick into ultimate power.

Anti-populist movement seeks new followers

The End HAS GONE!

The End HAS GONE!

INTERNET — The Neoreactionarian movement, a kind of minarchist libertarian hybrid with false historic parallels to monarchies of the past, is seeking new followers and has re-branded itself for mass appeal. In a world where big government bureaucracy is a bad thing, vanguard intellectuals want to turn back the clock to a simpler time where there were not nations but simple family dynasties. The concept of the polis or the res publica, a kind of abstract governance placing the state in the hands of a larger body of people, “a public thing,” to Neoreactionarians, has only hindered the development of “high culture,” economy, and spiritual aspirations of human progress despite generating second-rate monarchist imitators again and again in art history. But they are not producing richly contemplative texts such as Saint Augustine’s City of God or Plato’s Republic, works with other intellectuals as the target audience — they are blogging, tweeting, and answering questions on ask.fm so they can convert you and everyone you love to the side of the Neoreactionarian populist monarchist uprising. Chances are, you already believe in many of the Neoreactionarian tenets and you’re just waving the wrong flag because you, simpleton, know no better. Either that, or they’re poor imitators of imitators, a typical blogger brand of spiraling confusions between messages and audiences as if those two things were separable or even “in the final analysis” of this one writer, identical.

Riker Asimov told someone on ask.fm who asked whether Neoreactionarians wanted to appeal to intellectuals or the general public, “Sure, it seems like an essential contradiction that we want our message of beneficent machiavellian monarchies to be consumed by the masses even as we disguise the formlessness of our superficial — yet outrageously provocative and intellectual — movement in seeming obscurity even as we expose it in the most public way possible. I love to read stories of Frederick II of Hohenstafuen spreading propaganda saying he was the emperor who would precede the apocalypse. That’s the kind of populism that drives monarchies through the roof and sparks never ending wars with the new Anarchopapacy. This is the third age, where no Christian shall need a church, for Christ will live in the heart of every man and woman behind my banner! Protestantism is third age Christianity, the first being the age of Yahweh the hateful father, the second of Christ the forgiving son, and the third that of every human on earth as consummate priest and interpreter needing no authority or gentle shepherd. Saint Francis was the second coming of Christ who ushered in the third age, although Luther was the one with the balls to file the paperwork. And Francis, namesake of the second Christ, has ascended to the papacy and is surely the Antichrist, bringer of material equanimity even as he condemns legalized marijuana, the holy plant rightly seen by Rastas as facilitating and democratizing divine translation!

” . . . think of all those who have had conversions while in the grips of a nightmare freakout on hallucinogenic drugs, only to forever swear off drugs because of the orthodoxies imposed by the church found in this conversion”

Through vigorous intellectual activity, meditation, and so on, a greatly expanded section of humanity has reached the third age — not quite but in sight of freedom from the bounds of the material world and ascendant into this ideal realm of Mind (Notion, Idea), approaching that Marxian singularity that is in no way Hegel’s ‘stood on end’ or even something entirely different as posited by Althusser, non est aurum vulgi, marriage of the split mind ceremony presided by Christ — but we can imagine a fourth age yet in which the usage of entheogens — which must be consecrated by orthodox rituals to consistently act as more than mere hallucinogens — such as marijuana, LSD, DMT, Ayahuasca, et al will be administrated by the church rather than condemned. Drugs have been declared heterodox, heretical, by Pope Francis because of the threat they pose to established orthodoxy. Terrence McKenna rightly said that drugs are the only way to consistently replicate spiritual, mystic, experience, and think of all those who have had conversions while in the grips of a nightmare freakout on hallucinogenic drugs, only to forever swear off drugs because of the orthodoxies imposed by the church found in this conversion. I am the emperor of the fourth age, the age after the apocalypse has taken place! I am primate of the church of the fourth age in which all of humanity will join Christ with soul through the entheogenic communion through which anyone of any social class will freely receive the ritual and chemicals which can with extraordinarily consistent results, generate an irrational narrative ethos and way-of-being which in a way transcends pairs of opposites or accesses the mystic through its essential paradox. We have a communion that works every time, and even the most hard working of laborers can find divine translation without decades of Voodoo Buddhist practice. Find your way out of the pre-apocalypse wasteland and join us in the fourth age!”

Let's Glorify Hatesec's Juche-based Idea of Site Building and Satire for All Ages!

hatesec

WE SIGNIFICANTLY COMMEMORATE THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE GREAT LEADER RALEIGH THEODORE HATESEC’S START OF WORK AT THE INTERNET CHRONICLE (CHRONICLE.SU) TODAY WHEN ITS DIGNITY AND AUTHORITY, DURABILITY AND INVINCIBILITY ARE BEING DEMONSTRATED ALL OVER THE WORLD AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE AND ARMY ARE REPLETE WITH THE WILL TO REPOSE BOUNDLESS DOMINATION IN THE PARTY TILL THE END OF THE WORLD.

HIS START OF WORK AT THE CHRONICLE.SU CENTRAL COMMITTEE ON JUNE 19, 1964 WAS A HISTORIC EVENT OF GREAT SIGNIFICANCE IN STRENGTHENING THE CHRONICLE.SU AND ACCOMPLISHING THE REVOLUTIONARY CAUSE OF JUCHE.

HE IS A PROMINENT PHILOSOPHER WHO DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU INTO AN INVINCIBLE REVOLUTIONARY PARTY WITH HIS BRILLIANT INTELLIGENCE AND PRODIGIOUS LEADERSHIP THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN FOLLOW.

UNDER HIS WISE GUIDANCE, THE CHRONICLE.SU WAS TURNED INTO A REVOLUTIONARY FREEDOM FIGHTER SUPER-CELL WITH UNSWERVING IDEOLOGICAL PROWESS AND LEADERSHIP SYSTEM OF THE ANTI-LEADER; INTO A MOTHER PARTY WHICH FORMS A HARMONIOUS WHOLE WITH THE POPULAR MASSES AND SERVES THEM; AND INTO AN INVINCIBLE PARTY WITH STEEL-FIRM DISCIPLINE AND FIGHTING CAPACITY.

HIS GREATEST EXPLOIT IS THAT HE HAD ADDED BRILLIANCE TO THE CHRONICLE.SU AS THE PARTY OF JUCHE BY WISELY LEADING THE EFFORTS FOR IMBUING THE ENTIRE CHRONICLE A WHOLE SOCIETY OF ONE IDEOLOGY.

IT IS ALSO AN UNDYING EXPLOIT THAT HE STRENGTHENED AND DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU TO BE A MIGHTY POLITICAL STAFF OF THE HYPERLIBERTARIAN REVOLUTION (#STANDWITHRAND).

RALEIGH T. HATESEC EMBODIED RADICAL POLITICS BRILLIANTLY THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE WITH IT AS THE LIFELINE OF THE PARTY AND REVOLUTION. TO NEVER CRITICIZE THE JUSTIFIABLE, BENEVOLENT WILL OF GREAT LEADER JAMES CLAPPER, BUT INSTEAD TO EXTEND FERVENT HOPE THAT THE NSA MIGHT TOUCH OUR LIVES DEEPER, FOR LOVE OF GOD, COUNTRY AND THE BIBLE.

IN THE 1990S HE FORMULATED RAND POLITICS AS AN ANTI-SOCIALIST MODIFICATION OF HATE, AND DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU AS THE GUIDING FORCE OF THE LIBERTARIAN REVOLUTION.

HE PERFORMED A TREMENDOUS EXPLOIT IN THE HISTORY OF THE NATION BY MAKING THE CHRONICLE.SU A MOTHER PARTY WHICH FORMS A HARMONIOUS WHOLE WITH THE PEOPLE AND SERVES THEM.

INDEED, THE GREAT RALEIGH T. HATESEC IS THE GREATEST MAN AND GREAT SAGE OF REVOLUTION; HE BROUGHT ABOUT TREMENDOUS CHANGES TO BE RECORDED SPECIALLY IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET IN ALL FIELDS OF KNOWLEDGE, HATRED AND PERMANENT ENSLAVEMENT OF HIS PEOPLE, CREATING A MODEL OF CULTURE FOR THE ANARCHOCAPITALIST REVOLUTION WITH DEEP STRATEGY AND MODERNIZED HATE THEORY.

HIS JUCHE-BASED PARTY BUILDING IDEA AND EXPLOIT ARE CARRIED FORWARD SUCCESSFULLY TODAY BY THE RESPECTED KIM JONG UN.

TODAY THE CHRONICLE.SU IS GUIDING OUR COUNTRY AND PEOPLE ALONG THE INVINCIBLE ROAD UNDER THE UPLIFTED GREAT BANNER OF SAKERISM-HATESECISM. AS THERE ARE THE SEASONED LEADERSHIP OF THE GREAT CHRONICLE AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE AND ARMY INFINITELY FAITHFUL TO THE HYPERLIBERTARIAN CAUSE, VICTORY AND GLORY ARE ALWAYS ON THE HORIZON, OUTSHINING THE SUN, ON ITS BRIGHTEST MORNINGS.

LET US ALL UNITED AROUND THE CHRONICLE.SU HEADED BY THE RESPECTED KIM JONG UN WITH A SINGLE HEART AND BRING EARLIER THE FINAL VICTORY OF THE CAUSE OF BUILDING A THRIVING LIBERTARIAN HELLSCAPE, THE REVOLUTIONARY CAUSE OF LIBERTY!

Stoned Phish Fan Finds Rapper DMX's Drivers License, Posts on Forum, Becomes "OP"

DMXhouse

Photo of DMX’s “poverty house”

INTERNET — Thursday evening, an arguably blazed fan of dad-rock band Phish, found and posted the drivers license of hardcore rapper DMX(Earl Simmons) to Internet forum Phantasy Tour, claiming his place as “OP” of an “epic thread.” In OP’s first post, he explains how DMX was always getting arrested up for driving without a license in the small town of Lyman, South Carolina. As it turns out, Simmons finally procured a drivers license, only to lose it whilst riding around town in his drop-down.

The now archived thread began with OP posting a photograph of the bankrupt rappers license, asking if he should go return it. After an overly caring second post, other forum posters took the information into their own hands and began ordering DMX pizzas, the hallmark of “epic threads.” Soon, an argument erupted over the fact that one pizza-bomber had done cash-on-delivery, prompting rabid Phish “phans” demanding others show “respect” to the destitute rapper(these posters were later dubbed “DMX white knights”). The pizza delivery man confirmed that the delivery had been made.

Among the wave of self-congratulatory and “thread of the year” posts, forum goers began cleverly combining DMX lyrics with that of pizza ingredients, bringing phans to many lols. Forum goer stipe1 even seized the opportunity to read the thread aloud to his son. One poster went as far as to looking up women on Craigslist to send to his house, for a nominal service charge. Much to the chagrin of posters, this plan never panned out. Someone ordered him Phishs’ new album off Amazon, which apparently, was hilarious.

As the thread moved closer to the 499 post limit(the staple of a Phantasy Tour “epic thread”) and the shoddily photoshopped memes kept flowing, phans began to wonder about OP’s whereabouts. Soon, OP appeared to his adoring fans, savoring his 499 posts of Internet fame, to say he was not murdered by a crack fueled Earl Simmons.

When all was said and done, phans concluded that OP had delivered.

UPDATE: In a new thread attempting to continue the “lulz,” the no-longer OP said in a typed statement: “All the sudden this isn’t as funny to me anymore. I’m sure you guys are loving it though. He might kill me for real.”

False hashtag campaigns aim to diminish feminists

Most 4chan hoaxes are not very successful because they are balanced too far towards "truthfulness" and don't contain enough bunk to strike the balance which can create that peculiar perplexity.

Most 4chan hoaxes are not very successful because they are balanced too far towards “truthfulness” and don’t contain enough bunk to strike the balance which can create that peculiar perplexity.

INTERNET — 4channers have recently astroturfed several false hashtag campaigns targeting feminists — campaigns which stand in stark contrast with 4chan’s usual targets in celebritydom. A false hashtag campaign is one which purports to be a grassroots movement, but is designed to divide and disrupt those it falsely represents. Examples of false hashtag campaigns originating with 4chan include #freebleeding (burn your tampons, ladies!) and more recently #endfathersday, but #cut4bieber represented Justin Bieber fans mortifying their flesh in order to draw Bieber away from his hedonistic pot-toking lifestyle. The false hashtag is a marketing tool picked up as a continuation of 4chan’s collective and ongoing hoax efforts, but these efforts have only recently been aimed at diminishing the power of feminists.

Hoaxcraft is something that few 4channers grasp even as they occasionally succeed, but it seems increasingly inspired by impossible ends — the expressed intent to guide conversations about women on the internet. This is not to say that there are no political consequences of a hoax, but they fall very far from the mark.

Narrative has an internal power, a power which reproduces itself, and the special power of the hoax is in the peculiar perplexity it creates — “Can this be real?” It is not worth telling for its deceptive, truthful-looking quality but rather for striking a seemingly contradictory balance between real and bunk. The misunderstanding that the hoax can somehow divide or disrupt a conversation about feminism is naive. This is maybe as simple as the mistake that the meaning (or effect) of an act is reducible to the author’s intentions.

The hoax will be read at face value and also immediately dismissed by some — this is not a division created by the hoax, and those who are fooled are anything but a symptom of stupidity endemic within a certain group. Anyone can be hoaxed at any time, given a certain narrative. Where the perplexity evaporates and its meaning falls either to true or false, the hoax loses its power, and this always happens. Hoaxes are incredibly transparent, especially ones which can only be injected into the collective consciousness by the combined power of a large group of people. Those who remain fooled haven’t been mind-controlled by the hoaxers any more than the Protocols of the Elders of Zion created anti-semites or HAARP hoaxes cause people to line their bedrooms with grounded Farraday Cages.

No matter how the hoax is read it does anything but devalue or divide feminism. This misunderstanding is maybe as simple as the common mistake that a multitude of meanings somehow constitute an absence of meaning. These hoaxes bring color, fun, something silly, something fruitful to talk about on an otherwise boring day despite their more sinister intentions.

Snark-centered art movement swallows internet

Macaulay Culkin's Pizza Underground shocks desensitized internet masses.

Macaulay Culkin’s Pizza Underground shocks desensitized internet masses.

For a piece of art to be popular on the internet today, a spark of novelty injected into the hopelessly derivative and easily recognizable is a prerequisite. The recursive “meta” wink and nudge, an unusual (especially ephemeral) medium, or a clever pun playing on the day’s top story are all bonuses. I was excited to hear Macaulay Culkin’s band, Pizza Underground, playing parodies of the Velvet Underground interlaced with references to Papa John’s and Pizza Hut, but behind the pizza masks and amateur covers, there’s desperation. There is an overabundance of content. From strained Maoist analyses of the Saiyan homeworld in Dragon Ball Z to Our God is an Awesome God (dubstep remix), there has never been quite so much banality.

In Cory Doctorow’s Makers this aesthetic event is played out not on Reddit or Twitter, but in a fictional 3d-printing boom. The short-lived economic surge it triggers, dubbed New Work, causes high levels of employment where the little guys creating this stuff make tons of money. Ultimately, this tide of derivative 3d printed junk recedes into a marginal nostalgia ride curated by users. Then the ride becomes very popular, only to be sabotaged and brutalized by a crazed Disney executive, desperate to keep his job. This is dangerous fiction, a place where friendly corporate entities battle mean old monopolists. Here, the tangible is as easily reproducible as the digital, so it stands in for it. The theme ride that takes users through an ever-changing algorithmic arrangement of 3d printed relics is like the front page of Reddit, or YouTube, but in the book it is a loosely organized not-for-profit collective run by a bunch of lovable guys where the upvoting and downvoting mechanisms bring out subtle narratives instead of sex, lies, and fatal epic fails. At times it is an absurd caricature of the conflict between rising internet entertainment powerhouses and aging entertainment industries given over entirely to depicting the likes of Google as a ragtag band of subversive and incidental freedom fighters. In the real world, it’s hard to see Google’s monopolistic, opaque advertisement partnership scams as a possible career path for millions — they cut this infallible publication off without giving any reason or recourse for appeal. Even the marginal utopia in Makers seems derivative, so full of brand names and buzzwords I wonder if Doctorow is getting product placement checks along with the income he gets for advising cryptography salesman, even as he suggests children aren’t “digital natives” unless they learn to use crypto. I suppose science fiction has never been the most lucrative industry, but one can at least hope for the kind of world depicted in Makers, one where infinitesimally cheap reproduction would benefit the creators of original content rather than those with a monopoly on the means of reproduction.

A photograph of a vacation bungalow in an exotic location showed off its glass floors — pristine windows into a perfectly lit pond full of gorgeous fish. This was one of the most upvoted images of the day, the perfect photography as much as the interesting architecture inspiring tens of thousands of happy clicks. However, in the comment section for this photograph, users upvoted less flattering images of the same ramshackle hut where there were no fish or glowing lights in the water. The artistry of the photographer, in the eyes of many commenters, was not even a possibility — the image was obviously doctored in photoshop (and that’s not an art to appreciate, either).

This is a milieu of snark. Nickelodeon WebHeads has children pressing buzzers in a game show, rewarding the kid who nails the precise moment some poor sap is maimed for life in a hilarious video. Best to be just another mark in the daily parade of glyphs referencing a set of popular characters, arranged in every permutation and medium imaginable. Each novel click is another grain of sand on a pile of ennui too big to fit in the Death Star, the Tardis, King’s Landing, or…

Why hasn't Edward Snowden said anything about 9/11?

Edward Snowden hasn't revealed anything at all about 9/11 inside job

Edward Snowden hasn’t revealed anything at all about 9/11 inside job

INTERNET — It’s been said time and time again that 9/11 inside job is the grandaddy of all conspiracy theories, although that term’s marginal flavor hardly applies when the majority of the world believes in it. If one is to assume that an all-powerful cabal is influencing major trends and beliefs across the globe, then it follows that the predominant 9/11 inside job narratives were a result of subtle manipulations of elite propagandists. Are they the Illuminati? Are they contracted out by the G7, Bohemian Grove, Koch Brothers (who control Alex Jones), or Bilderburgers? Most analysts agree it was likely the Koch Brothers or Bilderburgers who wanted to drive anti-government sentiments in order to cut corporate taxes because Alex Jones, their shill, visibly and actively promoted the inside job story in the earliest days. However, Stealth Propaganda, the atomic bomb of information warfare, exists and is responsible for millions of automated bots around the world which appear to be perfectly human facebookers or tweeters yet serve some other’s shadowy purpose. Recent revolutions in Tunisia, Egypt, and now Ukraine are proof positive that Stealth Propaganda is the most powerful, yet invisible, form of propaganda ever created. There is no way to know which parties are deploying it when, except to connect interests with results, and that can only even then provide guesses.

There are so few answers and these answers only lead to more and more questions. Could it be that Islamic Terrorism is in fact a real thing? Could, in fact, people hate this country from outside enough to want to blow up our precious towers? Why would they hit our businesses hardest, toppling the World Trade Center towers and leaving a much smaller hole in a military — not legislative or even executive — building? Why hasn’t Edward Snowden said anything about 9/11?

Everyone remembers the moments those towers fell, but who remembers the first time they heard the term Ground Zero, or 9/11? Ground Zero was a direct reference to nuclear weapons — weapons which have only been deployed on the Japanese by Americans. 9/11 is a brand name for a line of swag, an entire industry of merchandise, the date on which air travel became a permanently funeral-like experience, and most importantly the numeral encoded into our brains and into our phone system which automatically triggers an immune response from the police. As those towers fell, flags flew off the shelves, patriotism surged to an all-time high, but within a few years most Americans converted to the belief that the attack was a false flag. They had been deceived, and they knew their boys were sent to die for the oil companies and the weapons companies.

It was a win-win for big businesses. Everyone took a ride, most especially the pundits who made money at stoking hate for the government. However, it seems that the military may have shown its hand by hitting itself with a superficial blow while dealing the meaningful blow to the financial sector — which crashed by 2008. The CIA is also known to have strong ties and operatives working inside of Al-Qaeda, and some have even suggested Osama Bin Laden himself was a paid operative, only killed as a part of stagecraft to support Obama’s reelection. Because of the military’s relationship with private contractors and weapons manufacturers, as well as the CIA’s ongoing role in protecting American-owned business interests especially in Central and South America, it can be said that these government entities, on their own, are strongly allied with big business, but not the biggest of business — that is, the finance sector. In fact, those are the very type of banks and financial institutions that were destroyed when the World Trade Center fell. Wall Street, just one block away, was shut down for weeks.

The farther down this rabbit hole one goes, the more questions arise. But the one man who likely knows all the answers, Edward Snowden, has not said a word that could clarify anything. In fact, what he has said about internet surveillance is critical of the NSA, an arm of the government that is now in threat of being taken over by privatized for-profit intelligence contractors, the industry Snowden worked in before working at the NSA. Recent attacks, directed by FBI operative Hector Monsegnur (Sabu), against such private intelligence firms as Stratfor and HBGary show that this conflict between the government and private moneyed interests are anything but imaginary. Snowden, having had free access to the entire internet, must know much more than he is letting on. Many have accepted Snowden as a true hero without criticizing him, so much so that it seems yet another case of propaganda for big businesses. Is he merely a fearmongering crypto-salesman from the tech industry, or does he care about our freedoms and truth? Please Snowden, the people of the world want answers so we can finally write an authoritative history, a truth behind all the madness, propaganda, and robotic stealth shills.

Military weather prediction program reaches deep into the past

New weather hypermodeling gives meteorologists in the military unbelievable predictive capabilities

New weather hypermodeling gives meteorologists in the military unbelievable predictive capabilities

INTERNET — A team of meteorologists at DARPA have announced a “near solution” to weather prediction so complex that it not only takes into account the gravitational pull of planets in our solar system but also of nearby stars. These systems are so precise, in fact, that the team’s leader, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “We were able to accurately predict a small thunderstorm, not even a mile wide, a year in advance. And we’re just now getting our systems truly synced with all the satellite data.”

However, this weather prediction system is so powerful the government wants to keep it out of the hands of its enemies. Dr. Troubador said, “On the battlefield, this kind of knowledge will allow our boys the edge in every situation.” Luckily for Americans, DARPA has promised to spill the beans on any tornadoes or hurricanes it predicts might threaten citizens — as long as it does not threaten national security.

One unintended consequence of the new technology has scientists from many fields both concerned and excited. Dr. Troubador raved about the technology’s new possibilities, saying, “Within just a few years, we’ll be able to use this technology to extrapolate backwards in time centuries or even thousands of years. It is that accurate. And then we’ll be able to look at the weather during important historic moments and analyze long-term climate changes that led to population declines or increases in the past. We’ll be able to look at the gusts of wind that the vikings rode to the Americas. Did they really colonize the Mayan civilization? Finally we’ll have an answer.”

A colloquium of concerned scientists, however, at the Conference to Protect the Past, say this technology is just one of many that threatens the privacy of people who are long dead. Dr. Cecilia Darwin spoke out, saying, “We are, ourselves, people of the past, and extrapolative technologies such as Dr. Troubador’s are more threatening to privacy than any surveillance program ever conceived. It is altogether plausible that in just a decade or two similar technologies could open up incomprehensibly accurate windows into the private lives of any person in all of history, including anyone alive today. We need to make sure this power is in the hands of capable and competent scientists with a strong ethical framework, rather than military elites.”

Molly Crabapple Feeds The Trolls

Molly Crabapple's latest painting, OpPornPixie

Molly Crabapple’s latest painting, OpPornPixie

INTERENT — Molly Crabapple, artist and blogger known for her commentary about how the world’s messed up, tweeted Friday about her latest painting entitled OpPornPixie. At the center of the operation is a highly stylized and glamorous self-portrait overlaid with a bloodspatter of the kind of abusive comments the artist receives as a consequence of being a hip public figure and advocate for women, sex workers, and justice for the persecuted and powerless.

The cloud of hate is punctuated at her neck with a question mark. The only upside-down words, “Despicable Creature,” (perhaps the work’s true title?) are stylized with the artist’s trademark font rather than the bloodspatter of the hateful comments. Is this text a self-inflicted wound?

Some of the abusive text cuts across her face, adorns her hair, or seems to become a part of her face, lining her eyebrows and even standing in for eyelashes. In one photo, the artist poses for a “selfie” in front of the self portrait, the artist’s vengeful glance at the camera contrasting with the subtly saddened face in the enormous painting behind her.

The social media performance that accompanies the painting, Op[eration]PornPixie, is possibly just beginning, but so far it aligns with the vengeful glance of the artist in the selfie — it has made the abusers mad. Crabapple has retweeted a handful of criticism directed at the work. One critic said, “Very self serving and self indulgent. Its all about you flower,” and another said, “Stop oppressing people by crowdsourcing free insults. Insulters deserve fair wages for their digital labor.”

It is perilous to speak of an artist’s intent, but Crabapple opens this discussion on Twitter, saying, “I’m not making this piece because I feel threatened or scared of internet fuckery. I do think it should be visible, preserved. Some is lulz.” And the painting does provide that kind of reportage, although maybe the lulz are hiding in the words that are not legible. However, it is important to consider the context of Crabapple’s advocacy journalism and the temporary surge of attention violence against women is receiving in the wake of the Isla Vista shootings. Crabapple is, as always, ready with brush in hand to paint the sensational and oh-so-conscious trend of the week. This gigantic self-portrait, spattered with violent words that have wounded the noble advocate for women’s rights depicts (or covers over?) a bloodier, self-inflicted wound instantly recognizable to any popular artist: A “despicable creature” defined by the audience and its expectations, painting what’s trending on Twitter.

Pro-life scientist clones thousands of "aborted" babies

Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.

Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.

WISCONSIN — Scientist, Polymath, and newly recognized Saint of the Divinity Megachurch Consortium Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proudly announced, “Thanks be to the grace of God and the miracles of modern science, that today a thousand babies, once aborted by mothers, were saved.”

Through an underground network of dissident health industry workers, the DNA of every American child aborted in a licensed facility has been collected, cataloged, and preserved. For decades, the problem of cloning this database of nameless children has been solved, but breakthroughs in rapid prototyping, robotics, chemical synthesis, and virtual reality have allowed for the final steps of the subversive pro-life scientist’s crusade against abortion.

Dr. Troubador said, at a raucous press release, “We’ve been able to clone children since the 90’s, and I predicted it would be only another two decades until we could automate the raising of a child and provide for their material needs entirely in the dumpster biosphere. It wasn’t hard. We took out their DNA – from the trash bins behind Satan’s clinics – and plugged it into a computer,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Troubador has been able to quickly produce thousands of prototype incubators, which auto-install into most standard dumpsters and run entirely off of solar energy. The incubators have a robotic unit that will sort edible materials out of the trash for the babies, as the babies are entertained by a never ending stream of church propaganda, Fox News, and bible study.

Dr. Troubador wrote of some risks while in the early stages of his project and still in the stage of collecting DNA from aborted fetuses back in the 80’s, “There is a small risk that the purifying food re-synthesis unit will fail because of overly toxic trash, robotic failure, or a lack of biomaterials or moisture in the dumpster. However, I’ve calculated that only a handful of these babies will die this way, and that we’ll at the same time successfully bring back potentially millions of aborted babies with this technology. If some die, they can always be cloned again.”

Tammy Faulkland, 34, said she was shocked to discover with her aborted child who had been extracted, as DNA, from a Planned Parenthood dumpster more than five years ago.

“The baby was a-layin’ there in the dumpster watchin’ a screen like that man in A Clockwork Orange, just absorbing all that religious hate,” Faulkland said. “I just about didn’t recognize him, in his little box in there. Son of a bitch looked just like his daddy, but in a clean little box instead of him covered in piss and used condoms.”

Faulkland said she did not ask for her child back, but by miracle of God and science, he appeared.
“It’s a lot like the story of Jesus,” she said. “He was gone one day, and then later on he’s back, like a zombie, except he wants everybody to think and believe just like Him in perfect uniformity.”

Dr. Troubadour’s incubators are indistinguishable from traditional dumpsters. From the outside, they are green, blue, black; some have lids, and some do not; through neoliberal powerhousehouse Lebal Drocer, Inc., they are much more.

“The likelihood of you throwing a baby or fetus into a 3D-printed Lebal Drocer-brand Refuse-Reuse-Reanimation Facility is upwards of 99 percent,” Troubadour said. “If you throw a baby or a fetus, or a dead cat – or anything – into one of our mass-produced facilities, there is a good chance it will come back as a pro-life freedom fighter.”

Already, churches aligned with Dr. Troubador’s project are urging their congregations to “throw away more food” to feed the aborted children being raised in dumpsters. This Sunday, Pastor Mel Frederickson addressed his megachurch congregation, saying, “Today is a day like none other, because today I can announce that every child ever aborted is going to be brought back to life by Saint Troubador! Through God’s Grace the leftovers of society, thrown out because of Satan’s planned parents, are going to eat on our leftovers. But thousands of babies, brought back to life in every county, town, and city means there are going to be a lot of needy, and the church needs to take them under our wing. Give more to the trash. It’s as simple as that.”

Corporate troughs like Burger King, McDonald’s and KFC have instituted strict “pro-waste” policies, insisting on permanent termination of any employee caught using expired food at home, or donating stale bread to soup kitchens. Representatives from Chic-Fil-A said they now throw away half of every food order, to save America’s godless unborn.

At a Chik-Fil-A in the Clarksville Mall, manager Strom Stormerson announced that every Sunday, his Chik-Fil-A franchise will be serving free chicken sandwiches, limit one per customer, but he hopes customers will chip in and buy at least two orders of filling, delicious waffle fries.

“The secular left who thinks the world owes them a hand-out finally has one,” Stormerson said. “Here’s your fuckin’ handout, faggots: How about a free chicken sandwich that some unappreciative high school kids will order – just so they can throw it out – and feed our blessed child army.”