According to bombshell documents leaked by Snowden, the government has long known UFOs to be a species more advanced than mankind.
CARACAS — Edward Snowden, the leaker of NSA surveillance documents, was granted asylum in Venezuela on Friday. With safe harbors in sight, Snowden was willing to share shocking and world-shattering exclusive secret government documents with the Internet Chronicle. Snowden’s testimony was as follows:
“The highest levels of government don’t know what to do about UFOs, and the official story that they are all merely weather balloons or natural phenomena have been clearly dismissed. If anything, these documents speak about UFOs as if they are surely guided by an intelligence beyond our own. As it turns out, the most credible and inexplicable sightings are of vehicles which have been spotted leaving the sea floor at hydrothermal vents and directly entering solar orbit. Because ballistic missile tracking systems and deep sea sonar are kept as state secrets, scientists don’t have access to data about these objects. However, most of the contractors at DARPA are sure that there is a species more intelligent than homo sapiens living in the mantle of the Earth . . . It makes sense, if you think about it, because that is the only place where conditions have been more or less stable for billions of years. Extremophiles may live at different temperatures than us, but they have been able to thrive and develop intelligence at a seemingly accelerated rate. That’s not true, because they’ve simply evolved at the same rate, but without many of the vicissitudes which set back surface life . . . The president receives daily briefings about their activities, but analysts believe their technology is so far advanced that we stand little chance of survival in any potential war. The general sentiment is that we are but ants from their perspective, so there is little chance they would empathize or attempt to communicate with us, and the current contingency plan is to detonate nuclear weapons in deep caverns to ‘sting’ the foe we have no hope of destroying in hopes it would discourage further attacks.”
Edward Snowden unveiled SAURON, a network of satellites capable of spying on the entire planet’s surface and indefinitely retaining the images.
MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, the whistleblower who recently unveiled the NSA’s ubiquitous PRISM wiretapping program, unveiled yet another insidious, citizen-targeting surveillance system Friday afternoon, in a chat with Internet Chronicle reporters.
SAURON, or the Semi-Autonomous Ultra-high-Resolution Orbital Network, is comprised of a series of hundreds of low-orbiting cameras that can make out objects on the ground as small as 1 centimeter in size.
There are so many satellites in this network that they are able to effectively monitor the entire planet’s populated surface without interruption. According to slides Snowden shared, taken from the NSA presentation on SAURON, each spy satellite feeds directly into a data bank so large that it is able to retain the captured imagery indefinitely.
SAURON is also a reference to a villain in J.R.R. Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, an evil god of discord who appears in the material world as an ever-searching eye.
Snowden, looking as if he hadn’t slept in weeks, spoke with Internet Chronicle reporters in the transit corridor of Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport. In a near whisper Snowden said, “It is shocking that the U.S. government would appropriate such evil imagery for a so-called security system like this. There is little doubt that this program – I won’t utter the name here – is not concerned with the security of citizens, but rather, it is a bald grab at power for power’s sake.”
Snowden has proved the insidious discount card programs at Supermarkets track your every move.
MOSCOW, Russia – New leaks by Edward Snowden, the whistleblower responsible for unveiling NSA surveillance programs, show that all “discount cards” offered by supermarkets are in fact used as part of a ubiquitous data collection and surveillance program.
“Every time you swipe that card to save a few measly cents,” said Snowden, via collect call, “they collect information on everything you purchase. They know what you eat and drink, and they know how you pay for it.”
Supermarkets fired back at Snowden, claiming that the data isn’t identified with individuals unless it poses a clear and present danger.
But Snowden provided evidence to The Internet Chronicle showing that that was clearly not the case. In documents obtained during his tenure as elite hacker for the NSA, Snowden uncovered a program to profile every individual, including images taken from supermarket video surveillance, which has been in place for decades.
“They watch you pick up every item and can compare it with metadata,” warned Snowden. “Everyone has a file, and I wouldn’t be surprised if shoplifters were prosecuted 10, 20 years down the line when it’s possible to analyze this data in more detail.”
Hackers around the world have been searching for a home for their wayward comrade, Edward Snowden. Finally, it seems, they have settled on North Korea.
SEOUL, Republic of Korea – In response to a formal application for asylum on behalf of Edward Snowden, Kim Jong-un issued a statement offering the whistleblower not just asylum, but full North Korean citizenship. Snowden and his entourage, staffed mostly by WikiLeaks employees, were ecstatic at the news of a safe haven after 14 other countries had denied their applications.
“The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea promises to allow Edward Snowden to continue to leak anything he wants. We will provide him with many of the best top-secret hacking tools available in North Korea,” said a representative from the North Korean military.
“We are just so relieved that Snowden has finally found friendly shores,” said Glen Greenwild, the reporter who famously interviewed Edward Snowden in a Hong Kong hotel.
Snowden issued a statement written in Spanish, thanking North Korea for their commitment to freedom.
Emotional moments before Senator Davis’ untimely demise.
WASHINGTON, DC — Fans mourn the loss of Texas senator Wendy Davis as the news reels trickled in this morning. After amassing support from not only Texas democrats throughout her years as a politician, she managed to garner a hefty klout score last night as her awe inspiring anti-abortion bill filibuster ran for 11 hours straight.
While the Texas senator was in good shape, dawning pink Nike crossfit training shoes to keep her buoyant on her final dance floor, she could not outrun the angry mob of rubes awaiting her outside the senate floor who tweeted furiously #StandWithWendy, collapsing Davis under the weight of her own eFame.
“She was a total fighter,” said Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Fund and champion kick-boxer. “She’ll be missed around the gym, that much is certain.”
Edward Snowden: Guccifer?
INTERNET – The world was stunned last week with the news of an NSA leak that could cripple the infrastructure of the entire world, possibly killing millions of white people. The perpetrator? None other than a mild mannered systems administrator at Booz Allen Hamilton, Edward Snowden. Little is known about the man, but much has come to light, such as his lack of formal education, which is often a symptom of being a hacker, because everyone knows real hackers are auto-didacts.
Snowden is also very much a loner, which could be said for most hackers/computer enthusiasts. He kept to himself, except for his girlfriend, Lindsay. She has been found to have direct ties with the hacker collective Anonymous, after being spotted wearing a Guy Fawkes mask in the nude.
A string of attacks from the seemingly ‘lone gunman’ hacker known as “Guccifer” have been perpetrated since early this year. The hacker has taken a liking to reprimanding High Value Targets(HVT’s) such as a relative of the Koch brothers whose name I forgot, George Bush’s AOL account, and his father, George Bush’s account, Obama’s intelligence agent’s email account. Along with a slew of other superfluous hacks that garnered media attention for some reason, but there hasn’t been anything completely damning or anything that would compromise Guccifer’s identification…
President Obama appointed Neile Miller, to head the National Nuclear Security Administration(NNSA), who was just hacked today by the notorious Guccifer. It is only logical that Guccifer targeted Miller because of the similarity between the NNSA and NSA acronyms, linking Guccifer directly with Snowden.
So, was Greenwald’s claims of Snowden’s death-by-drone simply a false flag psy-op to cover up for Guccifer’s latest hacking spree? What was INSIDE the building attacked by the drones in China? Can we expect more hacks from Guccifer soon?
All signs point to yes.
CHRONICLE.SU– NSA whisteblower Edward Snowden betrayed fellow Americans by revealing critical national secrets to our fascist enemies.
HONG KONG– You may already know the dubious tale of 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the anti-American ex-NSA contractor-turned-defector who recently leaked valuable national secrets to our enemies.
But what you don’t know about Snowden involves his diabolical scheme to escape into the lawless hands of Hong Kong, landlocked by the irrevocable sin of mainland Communist China.
Although Hong Kong is part of a “one country, two systems” situation, China can veto extradition requests, contradicting the extradition treaty the weak government of Hong Kong has held – since 1997 – after the city was returned to the totalitarian regime with which Snowden is now aligned.
From behind the Great Firewall of China, Snowden hopes to be whisked away by Chinese authorities who may “press” him for precious national security tips, but not before growing famous enough to garner public support for his supposedly “heroic” acts of anti-American aggression against innocent Americans.
A toxic ideology of reverse “patriotism” is now spreading which led Private Bradley Manning, whom Snowden called a “whistleblower . . . inspired by the public good,” to publicly reveal military secrets to our enemies.
Snowden, a master of exploiting legal loopholes, roots around in a broken Communist system of asylum-seeking perpetuity.
He buys time for himself, moving between hotels, racking up exorbitant room service bills with total disregard for the Americans whose national security he’s thrown to the wind.
CIA agents voraciously track Snowden through back alleys of Hong Kong. May God be with our brave soldiers, and may He have mercy on our souls.
Plato said that a city driven by luxuries was fevered, and in a state of Eternal War the entire planet is overrun by Jungles as Carbon Dioxide and Global Warming alter the climate and lead to mass-famines in every city except on small islands. Repeated Nuclear Detonations release just enough ash to partially cancel the global warming, ironically becoming the only reason life on Earth can possibly survive.
FROM WITHIN PRISM’S PANOTPIC GAZE — The Empire Has No Clothes, and the Revolution draws ever nearer, just as me and all my friends on Twitter have always agreed. It’s so close I can taste it.
As the Panopticon’s Black Iron Prison encloses the planet Earth from a panoply of hateful Imperial powers — America, China, and every tinpot dictator in each patsy state on the planet, We, The People of the Internet have been busy plotting the perfect and most intellectual plans for the New World Order, which also happens to be the thing conspiracy theorists like me fear most. I’ve done tremendous research on this problem, and have logged untold thousands of hours on many different versions of Sid Meyer’s Civilization series.
The New World Order is a horror, of course, unless you happen to believe in Reparations for all Blacks in America, Gay Marriage, Legal Marijuana, Maximum Salaries, and Maximum Work Weeks. You want some hope? I’ll throw that in, but you’ve got to send me bitcoins.
That’s right! No one in America (Or our patsy semi-colonies!) will EVER work more than 20 hours a week. It’s a bitch when all these RedBoxes, McBoxes, and Combine Harvesters take the jobs of all our illegal immigrants and we have to start paying for their healthcare. But not anymore! No, No! We will have enough jobs even for the freeloaders and the tramps, and people will still be able to become unbelievably filthy fucking rich with a maximum yearly income of 5 million dollars. Sure, some people might say I want to unfairly tax the everliving shit out of those who bring in billions, but I don’t see it that way. They made it all on your dime! Think about it, we’ve been investing tax money into computers and robots for a hundred years in order to fight for freedom and defeat the Nazi Scum. We SHOULD be living in a Techno Utopia with Robots doing Everything! To HELL with Nazi-sympathizing billionaires who think that THEY should get ALL profit off of The Only God Damned GOOD war we’ve fought in a long time. We’re gonna invest it in robots, motherfucker! If you Vote for ME as president of the New World Order, which will surely follow the oncoming Revolution (I believe it was instigated by the Chinese! They’ve taken Snowden into their grips, and I’m afraid it’s too late for Obama. (We can’t fall into the grips of China. Trust me, I would prefer Prism to the Great FireWall ANY DAY.))
Armed militia groups have assembled in public spaces around the nation in response to totalitarian government surveillance.
WASHINGTON – Floods of concerned citizens around the nation are reporting the same chilling story: Convoys of military and paramilitary forces are arriving at Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) camps, which are capable of indefinitely interning a large proportion of American citizens. Militia groups have reportedly assembled in downtown Grand Rapids, N.D., at the Citadel patriot community in Benewah County, Idaho, and at least a hundred public spaces across the nation. Hundreds of protesters have gathered outside of the entrance to the access road leading to the deep-underground FEMA Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center. It is unclear whether this is a response to activation of FEMA camps, or if the FEMA camps activated in response to the assembly of these militias, who are likening themselves to an armed Occupy movement.
A spokesperson for the OccupyMilitia, as the spontaneous militarized protest movement has been dubbed, said, “We don’t want death or violence. We just want an end to totalitarian Internet surveillance, and we know from watching the Occupy protests that we need to be armed if we want to be heard.”
Citizens around the nation wait with bated breath as the inevitable conflict approaches, and for some the story has become too much to handle.
“We’ve had several suicides related to this NSA wiretap story,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of Mercy Hospital in Cuthbert, Ga. “More are coming in by the hour as these FEMA stories spread. People are certain they will soon be sent to their death in these camps, especially those who already believe Obama is the Antichrist.”
An Anonymous spokesperson claimed to have hacked Obama’s Skype by gaining access to PRISM
INTERNET — Anonymous hackers claimed to have infiltrated PRISM’s network infrastructure after gaining access to the graphical user interface which was intended only for use by federal agents in cases of terrorism. Because the PRISM system has access to a log of all Internet phone calls (voIP via Skype, Google, etc.) and video chats, Anonymous vigilante intelligence researchers quickly unearthed evidence of high-level collusion between corporate executives and government officials. “We have access to President Obama’s Skype,” said a spokesperson for Anonymous, “and we’re only afraid it’s too absurd to be true.”
Anonymous will not comment on details of the leak until the information has been confirmed and verified. This time, Anonymous is seeking input from government sources so that their final release will be seen by the public as an even-handed nonpartisan attempt at uncovering the truth. “We want to know the government’s point of view simply because it will help us build a more complete view of what’s really going on. Even clever lies, denials, and evasion help us in our pursuit of truth. We won’t release the information until we’ve run it all over with several officials and received a frank appraisal of its context.”
President Obama has scheduled a press conference for Monday, and the White House has already released a statement condemning Anonymous. “The sad irony is that PRISM doesn’t even exist, but because of hacks like these we need something like it,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “We will not cooperate with terrorists on any level, and we refuse to comment on illegally obtained confidential information.”
Despite such polemic rhetoric, the general consensus of Anonymous is that truth is still of the utmost importance. “The White House can’t order all 20 million of its employees around. Someone will always talk to us, and help us understand the truth behind these troubling but somewhat ambiguous conversations and other communications. All your PRISM are belong to us, and it’s going to be this way for as long as something like PRISM exists.”